What the hell happened?

love will hurt

There is only one possible outcome of love. That's pain. No matter what, you are gonna get hurt. What's worse is the more love you have the more you will get hurt.
But, if you shy away from it you will miss all the good things, the things that make the pain worth it.
I have loved so well that the hurt feels like it will never leave me. It's stained me to the core. And let me tell you, it was worth it. I don't know if it could happen again, maybe. What I can say is if I was given the choice to do it again, knowing the outcome, I would, I would do it once more.
I would not walk away from the deepest of love.

Her birthday

Don’t be sad. This is not a sad post.

Today would have been my wife’s birthday. I would have had a day out planned, we would have done her favorite things, gone to favorite places. Or done something new, there would have been cake, with candles.

And I don’t want you to be sad that it’s gone.

I want you to know that I had that. I was the lucky one who had someone that let me dote on her on those special days. I got her a small bunch of flowers on valentines day, I made her breakfast in bed and took her out on mothers day. I don’t care that it was commercial crap. I did it and I loved doing it. Sure, I cared for her on all the other days too. But an excuse to go all out was great.

Nothing lasts forever. I will never have that again. Maybe one day I will have something else. Maybe there will be similar things. Who knows, que sera sera, what will be will be.

But don’t be sad that I lost it. Be happy for me, because I had it.

my blood pressure pills

Tonight dear reader I had to make a difficult choice. My health is never good and one of my problems is high blood pressure. I have pills but there are side effects. I'm on my 3rd type and this one causes extreme fatigue, weight gain and depression. I stopped taking them and my mood is better, the fatigue was starting to improve and I started losing weight.

My blood pressure is hitting dangerous levels. Tonight I made the difficult decision to take the pills again. I have an urgent GP booking that was made last year which in New Zealand means mid January. Regular bookings were not until March at the earliest.

I'm sitting here tonight a few hours after taking that pill and I can feel the depression seeping in already. I'll try to post good stuff but if I'm shitposting a bit, I apologize now. I'm heading for a dark place. The choice is go there or possibly have a stroke. Sometimes we have little choice. I'm not going to make my daughter an orphan. She's the only reason I stay in this world.

I can hear Polli in my mind saying "ya gotta do what ya gotta do." Haven't heard her in my mind in a long time.

We never want to be depressed but sometimes it cannot be avoided.

Balanced new years wishes

Well, the new year has arrived here in New Zealand. I tried to write something deep, some nights it just isn’t there.

Be good to one another ok? Simple as that. We are all going through shit and a little kindness goes a long way. I’m not saying become a doormat for the ungrateful though. Know that there are limits to giving. And, Importantly, don’t forget yourself. Give to yourself too.
Love, give to those closest to you with zero expectations but also remember that too is a two way street.
Balance in all things I guess.
Don’t forget to enjoy the moments in life. And take photos because sometimes the photos are all that will remain, but don’t forget to live in the moments too, I see people missing amazing moments because they are too busy recording it.
Balance again.
You know, there it is.
I wish you all a well balanced 2023. May you give and receive all that you need.

One day at a time

One day at a time.

It’s all we can really do isn’t it?

I was going to write about loving those closest to us because you never know when they suddenly won’t be there anymore. I was going to write it because a mom just lost her young daughter yesterday.

We all know someone or are that someone who lost someone close suddenly.

20 years ago, I still remember going from sitting at work to sitting in an office while a police officer says “there has been an accident” to helping pick my mothers coffin.

Really, what is there to say, all we can do is take one day at a time, (not that we have any choice)

And love those closest to us as best we can.

The only sure thing in life is death and sometimes hell is right here on earth.

Sometimes less effort is better.

I used to loathe Christmas. Hated it with a passion.

For a number of years I worked in retail. From the start of December we weren’t given a single day off. We would work 24 days straight. The last 3 nights before xmas eve was midnight opening. So it was 8am until we finished cashing up about 30mins past midnight. Christmas in New Zealand is in summer, it is hot, so shopping consisted of women dragging around overtired, overheated screaming toddlers. I always felt so sorry for them, both mum and kid. I would also see people going into debt for years to buy presents for kids.

When Christmas day rolled around I spent most of it sleeping from sheer exhaustion.

Well, I got out of retail and then got a wife and a child. Then came a new hell. We wound up with 5 places to visit in one day. Of course everyone wanted us there for either lunch or dinner so we would switch who we visited at what time each year. That used to piss them off. Then we would say, we have so many people to visit we can only stay for 1 hour and then we HAVE to go. We would arrive for the meal and it was never ready on time. Packing a screaming hungry kid into the car just as the food was due to be dished up sucked. One Christmas we ended up eating lunch at a gas station.

Then one year I got a kidney infection, it struck first thing in the morning. It was bad, I spent the day in bed vomiting and in severe pain. But, you know what? It was so peaceful. I realized it was one of the best Christmas days I had in years.

That’s when I said no more. All I can ever do is upset people at Christmas so I’m not participating. I refuse to go out. Were people annoyed? Yup, did they try to pressure me into going out? You bet. But no matter what I did they were going to be upset so it no longer mattered.

Christmas day is now spent at home, we have some good food, pre purchased, I do minimal cooking though. My daughter gets a few presents and it’s so relaxed. Some people visit, others don’t. I tell people if they are feeling stressed about visiting everyone they are free to give us a miss, we won’t be upset, we understand.

And you know? I’m starting to enjoy Christmas again. I talk to my daughter, tell her if she want’s we will go out. She tells me she used to hate Christmas too. But now, she likes it as well and loves staying home.

As I said, sometimes less is better.

I'm Tired

I’m tired.

It’s been years of nothing but fighting.

Trying to keep my damaged body working

Trying to keep by broken family going

Trying to earn enough money

I’m tired of horrible people

I’m tired of being poor

I’m tired of being tired

I’m tired of being alone

I’m tired of people

I’m tired of the wrong people winning

I’m so damn tired of trying to survive

Some days are difficult

Some days are difficult, in those days we survive, live to see another day.

And that’s ok. I guess the good thing about the hard days is the ability to know it’s shit. Because at least we know we deserve more, we deserve better.

Today was simply a difficult day. I was not ok, but I will be ok and that’s ok.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, maybe it won’t but at least there is still hope for better times.

I know I haven’t written this well. Some days are simply off days.

Why The Modern Gentleman and not simply The Gentleman?

Let me give you an example. It was the done thing where the man would sleep closest to the door, as the protector from anyone who may enter. What I have found though, is she has problems feeling trapped. So, I changed, I sleep furthest from the door. Even when she feels completely safe, let her feel better knowing theres always a way out.

I’m lucky enough to be able to put it up another notch, I sleep under the window and my dog sleeps closest to the door, no one can enter that room while she sleeps without either of us knowing.

A big deal.

I'm watching two people have an argument about a post on facebook.

One is saying how he's so much bigger on there so clearly he's a big deal. He has 2,000 followers.

I have 200,000 followers. Why don't I feel like a big deal?

Sometimes I get frustrated with my mind. I know things are in there that just won’t come out.

I guess a lifetime spent being told I was too stupid to write. It ingrains into you. Be careful what you project onto kids, it gets stuck in their minds, can’t get out. Sometimes I used to sit, willing words to come out, there was nothing. Sometimes theres blocks, even now.

I’m sitting here talking shit, trying to get things to flow. Not working.

Brené Browns Listening to shame TED talk

This morning I was sent a link to a TED talk, I was listening to it, not that closely until it got to one piece, I stopped it, went back and listened to it intently, then one more time. I’m sitting here going yes, yes, this, but wondering how I explain it. The harshest criticism in my life has come from women, I am the protector, I know this and would always step up when the time comes. But men get tired too, and when we falter, it’s not so easy. I have been yelled at for being sick. I have been laughed at for being depressed. Men are expected to be unwavering and we are pushed into never faltering. Go, go, go. Be everything, never be weak. Push ourselves until there is nothing left, then get up and push some more. Until we can’t. And then we die, because we can’t take the shame of failing.

Brené Browns Listening to shame TED talk:

For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."

And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Triggers

It’s been a hard few days dear reader. My health has taken a bit of a nose dive and it’s proving difficult to get it sorted. Theres a number of stressors that aren’t helping either. Yesterday I had to head for the hospital for a blood test. There is only one in the area, the one where they killed my wife. Sometimes I’m fine going in there. Other times, not so fine. Its difficult because sometimes I have to walk past the people who killed my wife. They don’t even know who I am.

The wait was an hour in a packed room. I had to sit there sucking it up, the only unmasked person in amongst 20 masked, I could feel the glares, saw the stares.
I don’t know, it just got to me yesterday.

Then I had to act normal for the rest of the day when all I wanted to do was hide. Work had to be done, messages answered. But I’m a man, I have to suck it up. Pretend I was ok when I wasn’t. Almost posted twice on Modern Gentleman but deleted it soon afterward.

I’ll probably delete this soon too.

I survived another day

I survived another day.

Maybe one day I will live another day.

But today I survived.

I sat in a hospital waiting room, the same hospital with the Drs who killed my wife.

Hoping I wouldn’t have to see or walk past one of the Drs who killed her.

I sat in that room with about 20 others all wearing masks, I wasn’t, I had my exemption at the ready, no one asked, but I felt their glares.

And I sat, for almost an hour until they called my name.

By then I was dehydrated. They put the needle in and fished around, no blood.

Thankfully I had a vein in the other arm that was still good.

Sometimes I’m ok in that place, other times. Not so.

Of course no one knew, I’ll stand in the face of adversity and smile, never show weakness to them.

Was a difficult day to be alive after that. Triggers are hard to shake off. Moreso when I am sick.

But here I am.

I survived another day.

Maybe one day I will live another day.

How long before you move forward

I think I should attempt to answer an unanswerable question. Partly because I'm having a PTSD induced time right now and I'm having a work avoidance moment because of it.

I have seen the question before, people who have been in shitty relationships for 20 or more years saying its been over a year, when will I move past it.

OK, first, some parts of trauma stay with us for the rest of our lives but the question I think that is really being asked is what is the average time before you lift your head up, and really start to move forward. It's sure different for everyone but I would say, a lot of the time its 5 years. I'm not saying you will be feeling great in 5 years, this is a point where the healing has got to a stage where you feel like you can step back into the world.

So if it's been a year or 2 years and you are still feeling like shit, thats ok, it's normal.

Fuck, why am I even posting this? Reality is I'm in a PTSD meltdown over something minor and its been 6 years.

I'm a big fucking mess some days.

Safewords

I'm seeing negative talk about safewords. Thing is, there is an important need for communication and a woman must feel free to be able to say this is too intense, dial it back, or something is wrong and we need to stop completely. If she wants to use safewords then she should feel free to use them. If she simply says stop then that should also be enough.

Early in a relationship things will be explored and she will need to say hey, this was good or this wasn't.

Women have told me plenty of times to dial back, because something was too intense or didn't feel right, and seriously, they are all different. I'm no Dom so it's nothing to do with that. It's about exploring and finding what works and what doesn't.

This has nothing to do with ego and everything to do with communication. Not just in bed but with everything. So, yeah, women have asked me to stop, and I think it's a good thing.

women are nurturers looking for a protector

Women are nurturers looking for a protector.

I know, I've said that before.

Let's look at that part more closely on what they are looking for. While every woman has different levels of what protector means to them, at a base level that's what so many want. I'll slip in here that sometimes if she's had a broken childhood she's moved from looking for a protector to trying to fix that broken person because she couldn't do it as a child. That's a topic for another day.

The main person who made minecraft said what he hated about being rich is he didn't know if they loved him or loved his money. Thing is, having money means he's a better protector, he is more desirable.

Why do women like manly, rugged men? Again, protector, strong enough to get things done and protect her if needed.

Get it? She wants to feel safe.

A group of researchers wanted to know why women are less likely than men to be homeless. After the earthquakes in Christchurch New Zealand they spent some time checking in homeless levels as that was a portion of the population who were displaced due to a sudden lack of shelter. Again they found less homeless women than men. They found that women would basically adjust their standards and find a male who would normally be less desirable.

Desire in protection.

A heritage weekend and permissions

We hadn’t been together long. It was a big weekend in our city, people from all over the place were there for a huge heritage festival. We had just finished looking at the classic cars and had stopped to grab some food for the evening, her phone dinged, she looked down and exclaimed excitedly “my friends bought their car to town and want to meet up with me, do you have anything planned?”
“Nope,” I said, “nothing interesting, where are they? I can drop you off. “ she told me where they were and I took her to them. I said, “do you need a ride home later or will you be dropped off?” Her friend looked at me and she said “we can take her for a drive and drop her home later, that’s if you give your permission of course”

She said later she loved my response, which was to get confused and switch into aspie mode for a moment. “Why would she need my permission? She does whatever she wants, so long as I can understand what’s happening so I can have it in my mind I’m good.”

I forgot about her ex, being controlling. Narcs are like that. Give her freedom, another gift.

Loving a shattered woman is not hard

“Loving a shattered woman is hard, so much baggage”

I call bullshit. Loving her takes a bit of time. Time is one of the best, free gifts you can give her. Simply sit and listen. Never push, just listen, Pretty soon she’s going to tell you all sorts of things. How she was hurt, what triggers her and why.

Now, your man systems will want to kick in, you want to do things, things that will fix her. That’s what we do, we fix things. You need to understand, you are fixing things, you are making her feel heard, you are giving her the space to let things out she had bottled up.

Another thing, after a string of assholes, she’s going to be so awesomely appreciative of little things. Ask how her day went, cook her dinner, buy her that favorite wine she told you about a week ago, she’s going to melt.

Get her to talk about “the ex” sometimes, find out the things “he” never did and do them. If she says “he never once got me flowers” then go buy flowers, but don’t just buy them, have them sent to her at work so all the other women can see them and be jealous, she’s gonna carry those out at the end of the day like it was the biggest trophy ever.

Listen to stories of her childhood, maybe there was some toy she always wanted. Indulge her, find that toy on ebay and buy her one, the original.

I guess what I am saying is small gestures go a long way when they have never had them before.

1,000 cuts can kill.

I can’t tell you what’s worse. Sitting in an office while a police officer tells you there’s been an accident, jump to the next day and you are helping to pick your mothers coffin.

Or sitting beside your wife, exhausted, after the two of you battled her cancer. Holding her hand as she slips away, unable to do anything but watch.

Maybe it’s the what ifs, what if my mother had been even 30 seconds later and that car wouldn’t have hit her. What if my wife hadn’t trusted the dr who starved and dehydrated her for 2 days before declaring her too far gone to help now.

Maybe it was driving her to the hospice knowing it was a one way trip.

Maybe it was that time I held my cat down as the vet injected him, damn he fought, but part of his face was gone, there was no saving him. Got him when I was around 3, killing him at 14 was hard.

Maybe it was a teacher as a child who stood me up in front of his class and screamed at me while 30 kids laughed, who finally broke me when he hit me in the head with my books.

Maybe it was a childhood lived in fear, walking on eggshells because I knew what that sadistic teacher was like.

Maybe it’s all the people who told me over and over how stupid I was until I believed them.

Maybe it was all of the above combined.

Be kind to the quiet, awkward guy in the corner. He’s been through more than you know, a lot more.

A single cut hurts but it won’t kill you, but 1,000 small cuts might.

Goals?

I'm lost, a rudderless ship.

Goals? I survive. Not live, survive.

I see no outcome, no achievement.

Just survive, another day, another week, another month.

I see no way out of this.

The world turns, it goes to shit and I'm going down, holding on for all I can

Today I survived.

I want to live.

I'm too broken for that.

What the hell is living anyways?

Fuck knows anymore.

Seems pointless.

Movies

Movies are such a big thing in society. It fascinates me how people often get annoyed that I haven't seen a lot of "classic" movies.

A few of the movies I have never seen.

Die hard

Terminator

Gremlins

The new Spiderman movies

I think I haven't seen all the star wars movies either

I have only seen the first 2 harry potter movies (maybe 3)

Hocus Pocus 1 or 2

Have fun going WHAAAAT!?!?!?!

A New Job

I just applied for a new job.

I am freaking the hell out and feel a little sick.

Que Sera Sera

What do I want to do?

I’m 48 and I don’t know what I want to do in this world.
I thought it was operating heavy machinery. I got all the licences, I can drive the biggest trucks allowed on the road. But my body decided otherwise.

I thought retail, I can sell things and I love electronics. So I sold tvs and stereos. I hated it, flogging electronics to people who couldn’t really afford them. Dealing with pissed off asses, it was not something I could do, it burned me out.

So, I thought it was being an IT specialist. I learned all I could, won nationwide awards, got on the cover of a magazine. After 22 years I think I’m running a losing race, my clients are cutting my budgets more and more, I’m losing out to nationwide chain stores. I can’t survive much longer.

So, I thought an author, for 3 years I have poured everything into it. It has a lot of ups, some real downs. But it doesn’t pay my bills.

So, here I am. I’m 48 and I don’t know what to do with my life.

Ramblings of a mad man

That dam cursor on a blank page, flashing at me. Blink, blink.

.
I learned something a few years ago. I found an anchor. Something to hold me in this world, because, honestly, checking out would have been a preferred option. I consider my daughter each time and what it would do to her. And so long as she’s here, so am I. Find your anchor and hold tight during the storms that threaten to rip you to pieces. Storms pass and they turn into waves instead.
.
Humans are such adaptable creatures. I saw a woman once with no arms changing her baby’s nappy, her feet had adjusted and she was doing so well, probably better than a lot of people with hands. Our minds adapt too. After Polli died I wanted company so badly. It hurt being alone. 6 years later I have found I have adapted. Happy to be alone now. In fact I prefer it. The more time alone the more I find I can simply be me. Now the idea of someone else, it seems like something difficult to cope with. Not that I have much choice LOL.
.
My thoughts are so scattered tonight, It’s hard to grasp them.
.
Alan Parsons playing right now, when I’m old and wise. Being young, we had so much enthusiasm, but we were also a touch stupid. Now, the enthusiasm has waned but replaced with experience. Gotta live to know things. I guess even the stupid things were needed. So long as you learn from them right? Done with the crazy though. Ready for peace now. One day. One day I’ll have it.
.
Maybe I’m still just a silly old fool. Then again, they say if you sit and listen to the rantings of a mad man eventually you will hear an extraordinary truth. Maybe one day I’ll tell that truth too.

6 years ago today I took this photo, I walked into the building behind me in the morning a married man, I stepped out of hospice a widow. It’s been a hell of a time dear reader. Quite an adjustment, I have changed, changed a lot. I have grown, I think I am more than who I was. Change and growth I never wanted but sometimes we have no choice.

I don’t consider myself the greatest dad, but I know my daughter won’t be in therapy in 10 years complaining about me, I think that’s a win. She’s grown up knowing she matters, I have given her what I can.

I have met some awesome people on the way, some… not so awesome. Good and bad, that’s life though isn’t it.

To you out there. I hope life treats you well, I hope there is more good than bad. And if that’s not the case remember life is always changing, the bad will not last forever. If you still have someone you love, go give them a hug, you never know when it’s going to be the last time. We are all a moment away from our final day.

Love, love so well that when you get hurt, and you will, there’s no escaping it. Make sure that you loved so well the pain was worth it.

Step up

Women are the carers , the nurturers.

Men are the creators, the protectors.

Together they make a whole.

So many men have stepped back from this, creating an imbalance.

Step up, be who you should be,

Make the world whole again.

Television and trauma

It’s a strange thing, the small traumas we have. For years I had trouble watching TV because it was always something I did with someone. My daughter in the main doesn’t like what I like so we rarely watch things together (apart from cartoon movies). It felt so lonely, so I simply didn’t.

Recently I was given some parts to upgrade my media system. So, I sat down to test it and found I’m quite liking watching a bit of TV again. I guess it’s another step of healing.

Single

This month marks 6 years since she died. I spent so much time looking for someone new with a few disasters along the way. Hoping, dreaming of finding someone again. Thing is, humans have a knack for adapting to their environment. It’s been so long now that I have adjusted to being alone. The prospect of someone coming into my life, it’s, daunting, and I’m not sure I want it anymore. Sure, I get lonely at times. But alone is starting to feel better.

I have noticed autistic me is kicking in. I avoid social situations now, I catch myself stimming (just fingers) when I am alone, I’m not hating it, it feels freeing, I’m allowing myself to be me. I’m also free to say and be me. All over the place and it’s not an issue.

Hi, I’m Edward, I’m an autistic 48 year old widow. I’m a bit of a mess but I’m ok with that.

I am me.

Goodnight Mr hedgehog

I'm a sucker for the down and out. I try to help when the odds are stacked against me. Maybe it's because I wanted so many times for it to happen to me. Some hard lessons learned there, I no longer ask for help.

Anyways, 2 days ago while walking Mr Barkington I spied a hedgehog in the gutter. It happens, they get hit by cars at night. But, me being me went to check on it. It was still breathing. So I carefully picked it up (I happen to know how to handle hedgehogs) and took it home. It was good timing because a few mins later the street sweeping truck came past.

So I got it home, checked for wounds etc and found none. It's very early spring here so maybe it had just come out of hibernation and was a bit disoriented.

I put it in a nice box with some bedding and let it sleep for the day (hedgehogs are nocturnal). In the evening I pulled it out, gave it a better check over and a small bath. It was not in the best condition. And put it back into the box. I tried giving it food and water, it had a teeny bit of water but no food. Anyways, as I said, odds stacked against me, to cut a long story short, it died tonight. At least it was warm, safe and comfortable I could do that at least for it.

Maybe when my time comes someone will do that for me too.

Moments

Moments. So many moments in our lives.

We greet our new pet, who becomes our lifelong companion

We hold them as we say goodbye

Sometimes we do the same with friends and lovers.

We watch a butterfly on a summer afternoon.

Someone abuses us when we know it should not happen.

We taste a new food for the first time, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

We watch the rain on a lazy afternoon with a cup of something in our hands.

We experience pain so harsh we think we may die, or we wish we could.

All moments. Those moments become a part of us, a part of who we are.

Those moments, they really do define us. Let me tell you something though, we get to choose something. We get to choose what we do with those moments. It’s the greatest gift we have, the choice on what we make of those moments.

Life is an easier path for some it’s true. Sometimes I wish mine was. But I know I still have a choice. I can choose to be who I have become. I have some regrets in my life, I’m sure we all do. But I still think at the end of it all. I can look back on my life and say that overall, I took all of those moments and I did the best I could with them.

I am me.

pleasant moments.

The most pleasant moments of my life are going to sleep beside a woman. The most frustrating is being unable to find that again.

Treasure the fact you still have someone. Not all of us are fortunate like that.

Done

I don't want to be here. In this world. It's full of mean people. Wish there was a good exit. Guess I'll be dead soon enough. An end to the pain and confusion.

Sigh

Another client preparing to dump me.

They are wanting changes made to their system, it will potentially put a lot of children at risk, I'm trying to explain it to them but they are wanting it to happen anyways. They probably think I am being difficult.

I hate innocent people getting hurt. This city is dangerous. Theres more than 200 registered sex offenders living here and no one is allowed to know who they are.

Strong? Brave?

Someone once said to me "I don't know how you did it, staying with your wife the whole way through." To this day I'm stunned over that. There was no way I would have done anything else. I never considered myself strong or brave, most things in life scare the shit out of me, but I will always protect those closest to me because doing the right thing, it's just what you should do you know. Never stay in an abusive relationship but also remember in a normal relationship not every day will be kittens and rainbows. Sometimes one or the other of you will be off your game.

Remain steadfast in your love. Storms in life will always come and go but its sure easier to weather them when two people believe in each other.

Maybe I am strong. I don't know. I just know what's right and I do that.

Fuck the world

Fuck the world and everything in it

Live for the moments my friends

You cannot find salvation at the bottom of a bottle or in the smoke of a bong, but its sure nice to be numb for a little

Try to treat your body with kindness it’s the only one you will ever have, but make sure you get some use out of it too.

You can never agree with anyone all of the time but if theres more tears than laughter you are in the wrong place.

Do not marry your job, you can be replaced on a whim, loyalty is just a word with little meaning to your employer.

Settling is dangerous, you may miss something better. But then again, it beats lonely right?

Be good in this world, you never know, maybe some of that kindness will come back one day

Take the ramblings of silly old fools with a grain of salt. But maybe there is something in my words right? If you stop and listen to the rantings of a madman you just may find some truth amongst the insanity.

shattered woman unlovable

We get things programmed into us. Even when it seems obvious it’s wrong, your programming tells you it’s not.

I spent 40 years being told I was stupid, that my ability to write was nothing more than basic. That I would never amount to anything much because I was too dumb. When I won an award for my work in IT, with my face on the cover of a magazine I put it down to being a sales gimmick, even with 187,000 followers on my page I feel like a fraud. No matter what people say, I sometimes feel fake. When you think you are unlovable because you were told that for years, I understand why you think that and no matter what I say will change it. Not at first anyway. But you see, this is why I have patience with a shattered woman. I understand, what has happened has been set in to you so deeply it stays. Maybe after years of being loved every day, maybe we can change that a little for you.

That time I got engaged

Story time with old MG.

This is the time I lied to my wife and why you will all forgive me for doing so.

She knew we were going to get engaged, it was a given but I was determined to make it a surprise. Trying to get around an empath who knew the moment anything was a twinkle off was not easy. I told her “maybe January February area we should get engaged” (that was the lie). Now, I thought hard about how I was going to do this. The initial thought was take her to the local cinema and have a message up on screen before the movie started, I knew the owner and he would have done it, but she would have picked up on the staff acting funny and as I said, I was determined to surprise her.

I made a plan, we occasionally went for picnics and had our favorite place. She loved it and I could arrange it without arousing her suspicions. Ok, plan, now the ring, my sister used to be a jeweler, I had the ring but it needed to be resized. We visited my sister who used a great line, “Hey, I got this ring, I wonder what it would look like on you.” Using that she was able to get the size, perfect, I dropped the ring in to a jeweler to have it resized and then, intentionally, I put it out of my mind.

It was around 4pm in December (summer in New Zealand) when they called to tell me it was done. Plan ready for action, I called my soon to be Fiancée and calmly said “hey, can you get the picnic basket and make yourself ready?” Let’s have a picnic after work, I’ll stop off at the supermarket and grab food, you don’t need to do anything. I race off, get the ring, do 2 loops of the supermarket making sure I had everything, nothing left out (ok, I got way too much). I get home, ring very safely stowed in a box in my pocket.

I collect her and we go out to our place. We find an area in some trees, no one around. Perfect, we set everything out.

“OK,” I say, “I have a wee surprise, close your eyes” she told me later she thought I had bought some chocolate or something.
“Open your eyes now” I was kneeling in front of her, ring box opened and ring facing her.
“Will you marry me?” She burst into tears and managed a “yes!”

This was in the pre cellphones having cameras days, no pics I’m afraid. Then was the next thing for her. Sitting and having an amazing picnic dinner wearing her ring while wanting to go and tell all her friends. She managed it quite well. We got home, I looked at her, smiled and said “you need to phone your friends huh?” She nodded. “Go for it, I’ll get the picnic stuff in and put the leftovers in the fridge.” She almost ran to the phone.

So there we have it. I lied, and I’m not sorry.

A funny thing happened on the way to 48

I’m 48??? How the hell did that happen? Wait, I’m saying something else here, it was important.

So, I am Asperger’s which tends to come with a side order of ADHD. A number of you will know aspies will get hyper fixated on a subject and learn everything they can on it. I love going to the fair when it comes to town, not to go on the rides but to watch how they work, the brilliance of often simple engineering. I could go on for ages about the unique qualities of my cars gearbox and engine (don’t worry I know how boring that is and I won’t).

Somewhere along the way, I have no idea exactly why, I became fascinated with the subject of sex. I think part of it was guys saying how good they were and I wanted to be as good (was years later I found out a lot of them were lying) but even beyond what others said it was a fascinating subject. So, I did what I do, I spent years studying it. I looked at everything I could, from women’s magazines to porn to studying human anatomy to psychologists discussing the topic of how men and women think. I was also so lucky to find a few women who were ok for me to ask some rather explicit questions and get honest answers (did you know around half of women prefer one breast over the other). I haven’t had many girlfriends but I have loved every one of them, still talk to a number of them, they were all special women and I treasure being able to partake in their bodies.

It has only been in the past few years, after starting Modern Gentleman that I took the time to understand the Dom/sub dynamic. I think that’s why I have difficulty with any label like that, because I simply didn’t know or feel it. Even after spending some time talking to people (a number of subs mainly) I still don’t feel I am one despite explanations that are pretty damn close to me. Rather than a label I simply like to say I am me, uniquely me. My style is me.

I love to pleasure a woman to her limits, I find it fascinating to watch, learn, study what gets her going, how far we can go, it’s fascinating. I find she is more than willing to see where she can go too.

Random fact, I have never read or watched 50 shades of grey, just seen a few snippets.

I never really fit into this world. I always felt like an outside observer. Modern gentleman is a mix of my life and observations I have made while watching humans with all their quirks.

I love bringing pleasure to a woman, not just sex. Everything. I love the delight they take in food too. The sassy ones are awesome because they seem to be the ones who take such delight in all sorts of things. I love the ones who’s eyes light up as they go into a random junk store full of “treasures” waiting to be discovered, the smile as they emerge from a yard sale with some random item. The way they leave a great movie talking almost non stop from excitement of what they just saw. Damn I miss that.

Why am I single? Because to see this side of me you have to get to know me. In person I am the quiet one. I am hypersensitive, I see and take in everything around me and it’s not easy, crowds are a horror to me. So much at once, and the noise. It’s a personal hell. I’m totally understanding that a lot aren’t like that. I’m happy to stay home while she goes out, no jealousy because I understand how others need that social contact (very human). I also have limits on time I can spend interacting although with practice I think I can be better at that again.

Hypersensitive. I hate wool, how can people wear it? It’s like sandpaper. And denim, rigid. Nope. A woman’s skin though, its so soft and smooth. Running my hands over her body is so dreamy, I never get sick of it.

So, this is a part of who I am. The Modern Gentleman. I am me.

Modern Dating

A number of years ago (20 if I were to guess how long) a man around 50 became single, I was able to watch from a distance as word got around town that an eligible man was single and women started showing up at his work as customers, it became very apparent some of them were not looking at purchasing anything, some would return a few times dropping hints. The poor chap was oblivious to it all.

Forward to 2 years ago

My female friend and I joined tinder at the same time. I setup my profile with a number of pictures and a well thought out piece on who I was.

She put up one blurry photo of her that didn’t even really look like her. She stated in her profile she didn’t really look like that.

2 weeks later I had 2 likes, no matches.

I happened to be visiting her and she showed me her profile. 99+ likes (tinder stops counting at 100). She said she had given up. Almost any male who she did like with she matched. She had a few conversations and most times they were not really looking for her type and half were assholes.

And here is where we seem to have struck a problem. Most men now seem to have this, “I want to go for anything with a vagina” attitude and it’s turning off all the women. I’m not sure how or why it’s gone this way, is it the proliferation of dating sites and pages? Or something more?

It’s created a change in women, they stay away from singles anything because they feel mobbed but it’s also created a world where the quiet men, who a lot of women are looking for just never get a look in. They are unseen so the women wind up with assholes looking for their next conquest and the good ones are hidden in the back.

Sex with a shattered woman

Do you know what I think one of the bravest things is?

A shattered woman having sex again with someone else. Truly, she’s been abused terribly and here she is, willing to be naked in front of a man body and soul and try again.

It’s taken a lot for me to say that, because this is a subject that we all find uncomfortable, but as a Modern Gentleman it is a part of who I am to have the uncomfortable conversations. I have taken a couple of shattered women through that stage of their journey. They have been terrified at first. But with kindness and being ever so gentle, they have been able to open up, lay back and allow me to take them places they have never experienced before. Once they start seeing what they have been missing all that time, they become willing participants in exploration of their bodies.

Dear shattered woman. I see you. I hear you. This Modern Gentleman has pride in you wanting to move forward. You got this, you really do. Feel the fear, it’s ok to do so, and move forward.

-The Modern Gentleman

-How to love a shattered woman.

Shaking my head.

Car broke down today $1,000 to fix. It's Thursday, they are talking Monday at the earliest before I get it back.

I talk Modern Gentleman and relationships. Haven't even had a date in years.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Walks, dinner and a movie

My friend came to visit for a couple hours, we walked our dogs, I put on a movie and cooked dinner. She went back to her sons place afterwards, I looked at Modern Gentleman and the page seemed so pointless. I talk relationships but can't manage one myself.

Sometimes I feel like simply deleting it and finding something more constructive to do with my life.

Boundaries

Look, I have very few boundaries, I would rather you were simply you.

Here's mine. If I piss you off, please be gentle about telling me, but I do want to know. Yelling at me is a trigger.

Ask away about my late wife but only in small portions, theres still pockets of pain there.

If you want to tell me about how you like barbie dolls still, cool, if you want to tell me you haven't pooped in 3 days and its getting to be a worry, cool. If you tell me that your favorite pastime is painting yourself blue and jumping naked out of birthday cakes then go you!

Dancers

Round and round the dance hall they weave, spinning in their dance. I stand in the middle, watching as they go. One spins in close as another spins away. Always moving in their dance. In and out they whirl in a never ending circle. Some get so close before spinning away again.

Never close enough to reach out, and hold on to.

I am me

You shouldn't say that.
You should be more like this.
Look that way.
Act like this.

But make sure you are authentic.

I am me. I will not be anything else, not anymore.

Alone

I'm tired, in a crapload of pain (despite visiting a sports therapist to get my back sorted) I'm worried about my future and money. Most of all, I'm lonely.

Who am I?

I spend a lot of my time feeling like an alien scientist who has studied humans for years and learned a lot, but never enough to fit in with them. Forever the outsider.