On a roll.

Everyone thinks I am doing so well, creating content and posting it on my page. Almost 2,000 followers now.

I'm going through a partial mental breakdown which is how I'm writing so much.

Still out of place

It's not right. Somethings out of whack.

Now electronics keep pausing on me in weird ways, phones, computers, cash machines and cash registers. All of them are locking up for a few seconds when I use them.

I feel out of place too.

Lost

The past 3 days I have felt... Lost? Out of place? Can't put my finger on it. I had to remove myself from the world for a few hours on Sunday. The world got too much. I fell apart again.
Somethings not right. I don't know. Maybe its just stress.

single

Maybe this is it, maybe I should just be single. Maybe I'm just not capable of maintaining or having a relationship that one chance is gone, she's gone and that's it. 

I need to find a way to rewire my mind to accept this. 

xmas presents

My daughter is showing me pictures of what she wants for Xmas. It's not that extravagant really. But it's still more than I can afford. 

.

I feel like an utter failure today. 

.

My eyes are leaking. 

dinner with Rich relatives

So, my cousin tried to set me up with one of her friends. Did not work out. Was an awkward 3 hrs sitting there while I was largely ignored.

I particularly hated when they were talking about all the trips they had done and were doing. I'm here wondering how much longer my credit cards will hold out.

.

I'm useless. The most I can achieve is a few likes on Facebook. Doesn't pay the bills though does it. 

Xmas stress

Here it comes. The time where I don't get paid for months and where I have to take a month off unpaid. 

I have no savings and the credit cards are almost maxed out. 

I'm pretty fucked. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm stuck, not able to move forward. 

Feeling pretty fucked right now. 

Frustrated

Frustrated with my life. Feels like things need to happen but just aren't happening at the moment.

The modern gentleman

Loved by many. But not in a how about I show him real love, deep love, show him some kindness kind of way.

Many acquaintances, few friends.

Someone elses issues

I'm getting drawn into someone else's mess. I don't want to. My own messes are bad enough. But they have helped me. I should help them. I also know what its like when things get bad and everyone runs for it.

Do I have the strength?

Clearing her out.

Someone pointed out to me yesterday that if I wanted another woman in my life I had to clear my wife out. I never really thought about it until then. So the clear out happened. My daughter now has her stuff in her bedroom, ashes, photos jewelry. I felt some guilt and sadness but it wasn't as bad as I thought. Now there's some of her art in the lounge but that's pretty much it. Not even a photo of her. I purged my bedroom too. Bruised, not broken, choosing to move forward one step at a time.

Heart Ablaze

what is it about today

I need to stop trying to interact with humans. Fark me, this is getting crazy. 

Every one is feeling hurt or out hurting me. 

Can't take it. Gonna shower and go to bed. 

anyone?

When you need to reach out for a hand, and there's no one there. 

trying to be happy

Spent the weekend purposely working to stay happy. It's amazing when you do how many people are there trying to drag you back down. 

I don't like humans. 

My greatest fight

I fought so hard to keep my wife in this world.
Went without sleep, trashed the savings and the credit cards.
Sanity? That went somewhere along the way.
I pushed my own body until it was breaking. Literally. I was losing blood because my body was opening up. I once went blind for 30 mins. I refused to stop.
I spent all my spare time helping her or researching and learning.

Sometimes you do everything you can. Everything. But its not good enough. Then you are left wondering if there was more.

I hope, I truly hope I can find someone to love again. Someone I can love and who will love me in return. Someone with that little bit of crazy.

Makes me feel guilty wanting it though.

One day.

Until then I have to try to keep going. More fights. Can I prevail?

I know it feels like you are but you aren't actually broken. You went through some hard shit, I know it hurts, hurts real bad and it's going to hurt for a while yet.
When we pull a muscle it hurts, even when we stop doing the thing that hurt it. We know it takes time and rest for it to come right and to heal.
You need to treat your self the same. Give yourself time and rest to heal.

oops

We had gotten Chinese for dinner. Coming back home she had the food on her lap and playing with her phone. Went round a corner and it slipped off. Mine came open and all of it went on the floor. I didn't react. It happens. I simply got the dog out to clean it up (hes one hell of a high speed eater) and grabbed a pie, 60 seconds in the microwave and there was dinner. No biggie.

Poor thing. She was so upset she got mad and stormed off to her room. She came out later. Said she wasn't used to not being screamed at. She said the mother would have beaten her for it.

Shes not around anymore. I hope she finds the right person. I worry about her.

Hurts

So my best friend who is technically my ex has a new man.

She's telling me about him. I'm acting like I'm ok.

I'm hurting.

Wish I was good enough for someone.

Why do men have to be like that?

Walking the dog this morning. Met a lovely woman, so easy to talk to (rare) . Husband seemed reasonable but felt something underlying. Then she said something funny and he pretend to slap her. I saw her flinch for a second. He's done that before, without pretending.
Nothing I can do.
Why do men have to be like that? This shouldn't be who we are. There is no place for it.
But who am I? Just the odd ball, the lonely weird autistic guy who avoids people a lot.

Crazy Train

Be Happy

Just be happy they say. Like its that simple. You decide to be happy and you are.

No, it's not like that. Not when you are pushed and shoved by the world, not when the loneliness is crippling you. Not when you are trying so hard to pay the bills to support your little broken family... and not keeping up.

I don't want this depression, I don't revel in it. I know I need to be happy, ok? I know that. And I am trying. trying to recognize the bad times and working, trying to cope with it an stop it from happening.

This is a deep dark hole I'm in and its taking work, and I'm tired, tired of flailing around alone in the darkness. But there's only me, and its a long way out of this hole, and sometimes I slip.

I'll keep trying though. Keep trying to climb out.

Just taking a while. I hope I can make it.

Lows

Major depression last night. Hit me hard.
Anxiety attack all day today.
No reason for either.
Now its anxiety and depression tonight. Fun.
Come join my fucked up bandwagon of mental disorders.

PTSD trigger tonight. People are mean, judgmental when they have no facts.
I'm worn out. Too tired.

Lonely. Need hugs that aren't there.

Hate my empty life.

My closest friend.

Why do you put up with me she asks? Even when I'm mean or nasty or having a bad time? Why do you keep coming back? You are always here when I need it the most. She says. 

It's because I understand what you did. When my life fell to pieces you were the one who was there for me. You gave of yourself when I had nothing. When all the others got bored of the spectical of me drowning you held out your hand. 

I may not have been myself but I still saw what you were doing. You stood with me when I could not myself stand. 

I will not forget that. 

Push, push, keep going.

Push, push, keep going, that's what I hear, that's what I keep saying to myself. Better times are coming. Hold on.
But the better times don't come. It's one dreary shit lonely day after another.

How long do I have to hold out. How long do I delude myself for?

I don't want to be like this. It's pointless this life I have right now. There's nothing for me. 

No more. Please?

Deluded? I don't know

Still feel like somethings coming. Getting told somethings coming. Saying its close, real close.

Or is it just delusion?

Trying to talk to a woman in a dating site. But shes so normal. I don't think I can do it. I need a chunk of crazy. Can't handle neurotypicals.

Removed a bad crutch

Today I did something. It may seem insignificant. I gave away the pipes sitting outside my house.

Just some junk to the observer. Those pipes represented my ultimate way out. If life ever got me to the point where I was going to suicide those pipes were how I was going to do it.
I was going to take a section, attach it to my car exhaust and run it into the car.

I am purging this house of negativity. They had to go.

I feel weird. Like this secret thing I had to prop me up has gone.