I don't know what they have against me. They haven't even met me in person. But every time they get together they niggle and needle till she comes out wondering if I am a terrible thing to be around.
Maybe I am. :( Maybe I deserve nothing more than to be alone. Couldn't even save my wife when it came down to the wire.
Stupid, I'm stupid, and ugly and a dick.
Maybe I should be alone.
Overloaded
Its the busiest time of year for me, 2 weeks of insanity while a lot of people clamour for my time all expecting their thing to be more important than everyone else.
It shows me I can't work full time. I wonder if they new it wipes me out if they would have more sympaty. Probably not, they would still want their stuff done first.
It shows me I can't work full time. I wonder if they new it wipes me out if they would have more sympaty. Probably not, they would still want their stuff done first.
Birthdays
Well, here it is. My birthday. Might try and drag my daughter off her pc and go to lunch.
My not girlfriend contacted me last night to remind me I should be finding someone else.
Lifes a bunch of suck sometimes.
Happy Birthday
Happy birthday my wife.
You are free now, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurt.
I'm jealous. I don't want to be here.
I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression. I don't want any of it. A promise is a promise. I'm here to look after my daughter.
I wish I could go somewhere and hide for the day. But I have to work. Somehow.
You are free now, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurt.
I'm jealous. I don't want to be here.
I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression. I don't want any of it. A promise is a promise. I'm here to look after my daughter.
I wish I could go somewhere and hide for the day. But I have to work. Somehow.
Down
My body hates me. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I live in pain and slowly it's getting worse. I have other medical issues that causes more pain.
I can't work full time. I'm not bringing in enough money.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely so much.
I'm a nice person. I'm one of the good guys. So why do so many shitty things happen to me?
Can I leave now? I want to. But I have to look after my daughter.
2am. I better sleep.
PTSD triggers
Was reminded of a terrible medical oncologist today. Instant trigger into depression. I was already bordering there but keeping on the upside mainly.
Will I ever get to the point where those memories won't send me spiraling.
Heat, fatigue and depression
Its summer, Its hot, real hot. I'm not getting a lot of sleep.
I have been down for so many days on end. Normally with depression you can manage to pop your head up and take a breath. This time I can't shake it. Not reaching out this time. No point, asking for help just gets me shot down and people distance themselves from me even further.
I have been down for so many days on end. Normally with depression you can manage to pop your head up and take a breath. This time I can't shake it. Not reaching out this time. No point, asking for help just gets me shot down and people distance themselves from me even further.
Rules when you are a guy
1. No one wants to know when you are in pain.
2. No one wants to know when you are depressed
3. If anyone tells you they care then re read rules 1 and 2.
Xmas - new year holiday
It's been lonely. I can see why suicide stats go up this time of year.
I don't want to be here.
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