The urge to end it is growing stronger. I hope something good happens before it consumes me.
I am a fool
Why? Why did I think that despite everything I could help her and in turn she would help me?
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
I am a fool
Why? Why am I trying to experience love from the wrong place? It's a stupid delusion.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Fucking hurts.
Cancer is not trendy
Cancer is not trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Hypocrite
The modern gentleman is a hypocrite.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
Alone
Sick of being alone, sick of using alcohol as a crutch to get me through the night.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
Creative writing
I randomly decided to try and write the most messed up thing I could manage. This is it.
Nightmares
Had a horrific nightmare last night.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
Another tale
Sat down with a woman today. I like her. Shes so neat.
She told me of her ex husband. She said she could take the punches. She said she could take him smashing all of her precious things, her crockery. She said it was his tongue that hurt the most.
Why? Why do people have to be that way? Why?
I weep for society. I can see all of it's ills. I see all that is wrong. Yet I am the odd ball.
I am sorry any of you had to be treated that way. I'm sorry, I cant fix it. I have to play the stupid game too. Shuffle along like the good working class hero.
She told me of her ex husband. She said she could take the punches. She said she could take him smashing all of her precious things, her crockery. She said it was his tongue that hurt the most.
Why? Why do people have to be that way? Why?
I weep for society. I can see all of it's ills. I see all that is wrong. Yet I am the odd ball.
I am sorry any of you had to be treated that way. I'm sorry, I cant fix it. I have to play the stupid game too. Shuffle along like the good working class hero.
Blocks and a table.
I pass this place most days when I walk the dog, sometimes I sit at that table when I am low and watch the ocean for a while. Spray painted on one of the concrete blocks is RIP Kelly, I'm guessing it's the teen who killed herself. I have no idea who you are Kelly. I am sorry life was cruel to the point you were unable to live anymore.
Be Honest and open
Be honest and open they say. Fucking don't!!!!!! Its a trap. You relax and some ass will take it the wrong way and fucking crucify you. Then they get their friends on board to keep it going.
I caught some bullies doing it to my daughter once. They stood around her in a circle yelling at her while she crouched in the middle. Still happens as an adult. Pick on the autistic one.
Pack mentality of humans. Guess once upon a time it helped for survival. Still seems to be present.
Anyway, I opened up too much. Thought it would be a safe place. Stupid! Stupid! stupid!. Dear me. Do NOT air your personal life to anyone. Never, never, never. Just don't. Keep it in. keep it down.
Don't let it show.
I caught some bullies doing it to my daughter once. They stood around her in a circle yelling at her while she crouched in the middle. Still happens as an adult. Pick on the autistic one.
Pack mentality of humans. Guess once upon a time it helped for survival. Still seems to be present.
Anyway, I opened up too much. Thought it would be a safe place. Stupid! Stupid! stupid!. Dear me. Do NOT air your personal life to anyone. Never, never, never. Just don't. Keep it in. keep it down.
Don't let it show.
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