Watching the world go by

 

Today it was a Saturday. The weather was awesome. I should have worked outside. Did more of my gardens. The weeds are growing fast.

I went up there and sat on the old seat I made for Polli so many years ago. It’s falling apart but still ok to sit on if I’m careful. I felt a bit of guilt sitting there. So many things need doing. But it’s the first time in 3 days where I simply took time out for me. It felt good to simply sit for a bit, for no other reason than to sit and do nothing. We live in a world where it’s all do ,do ,do. Work, answer people, be available get distracted.

When was the last time you simply sat for a time and let the world go by?

What did I do?

 What did I ever do to deserve this life?

Ramblings of a madman

 

Words, screaming around in my head. No way to slow them down.

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Around they go.

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Nightbirde dying of cancer. Reminded me of my wife dying of cancer too.

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We squander our lives sometimes. Blink and it’s over while it’s been 48 long years.

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Could you love me if you knew the real me? Or are you in love with the idea of what you think I am?

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9:10am 21^st September. We all have a date burned into our soul.

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On the balance of things, I do more good than bad. My heart is not heavy.

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The most common time for a heart attack is getting out of bed in the morning. Can’t live in fear of getting out of bed. Gotta keep living.

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Around they go.

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Did I lock my car?

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Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Talking relationships when I can’t even get one.

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Simple rantings of a madman tonight.

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I am me.

Pain

 

“Well, just take a painkiller”

You don’t understand, I’m always in pain, if I just took a painkiller I would always be taking painkillers and that leads to unfortunate consequences.

“It can’t be that bad then”

I can’t simply stop because of it, I can’t spend my life laying on the floor writhing in pain. I simply keep going, sure, some days are worse than others.

Sometimes I get pig headed and pull out a chainsaw and start working, sometimes I simply have to. Things don’t happen if I don’t do them. Pay that price later.

You do what you have to do to survive. Simple as that really, same for all of us.

Live to see another day.

 

 

I don't want your pity

 

Hi, I’m Edward and I don’t want your pity.

I have C-PTSD it sneaks in on you that one because it happens over the course of years.

I have a degenerative upper back condition, I am in constant pain from it, eventually my spine will snap.

I have damage from an accident in my lower spine, also leaving me in constant pain.

I have rheumatoid arthritis causing frequent pain.

My liver and kidneys are not working properly.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

My wife was killed by 2 doctors.

My mother was killed 21 years ago.

My business has been destroyed by government mandates. I now make less than minimum wage.

I still don’t want your pity.

I could take that and harden my heart.

I could be a mean person.

Or I could drop down and give up.

But I don’t. I get up every day and carry on.

I choose a life of love and compassion.

So my cards dealt weren’t the best, I’ll play them anyways.

Don’t pity me, watch me get up, over and over.

I WILL rise, you cannot stop me!

 

Women are adorable.

 

My close friend has been in town for a few days. Before you try to read more into this, she is and will be no more than a very good friend. It’s been quite a week dear reader, I forgot all those little things. I smiled a little as I walked past my laundry basket to see some of the towels folded.
She bought some sheets and she was having to make the difficult decision between high threadcounts and microfiber.
Women and that foot stomp when they are a bit miffed. I will admit to winding her up a bit.
I cooked her dinner and did it all from scratch, making my own sauce with herbs etc, Seeing her love it.
Those little things. Women are so damn adorable. I miss those things. If you are lucky enough to have someone. Please, cherish all those little things.