So I see we have a world cancer day.
Random memory.
I wished I would get terminal cancer when I was a young teen. Yes, it was death. But at lest I would be noticed and cared about for a bit.
I always felt so alone.
Falling apart.
I have been falling apart. No one has noticed. Am I that good at hiding it? Or does no one care?
I get it
I get it. Really, I get it.
Sometimes this world gets to be too much.
It wears you down.
It breaks you.
It just becomes too much.
You want the pain to go.
You want it to go away. All of it.
There isn't much I can say.
Except.... I'm glad you are still here.
Sometimes this world gets to be too much.
It wears you down.
It breaks you.
It just becomes too much.
You want the pain to go.
You want it to go away. All of it.
There isn't much I can say.
Except.... I'm glad you are still here.
A birthday that isn't
She would have been 53 today. There would have been cake, a road trip to some new destination. Favorite foods, a nice time. By now we would be sitting at home enjoying a movie after a big day.
They say all good things must come to an end. You never know how much that can ring true until it happens. Happy birthday to my late wife. I raise a beer in your name. I trust you are flying proud still, causing havoc somewhere.
I miss your laugh right now.
They say all good things must come to an end. You never know how much that can ring true until it happens. Happy birthday to my late wife. I raise a beer in your name. I trust you are flying proud still, causing havoc somewhere.
I miss your laugh right now.
what did I do?
What have I done to deserve this? This empty life of mine. The physical and emotional pain. Please, enough. Make it stop.
I see it
I see all the people playing their stupid games. I see the patterns, how they move and dance their dances. Sometimes I wish to join them, dance alongside them. But I just can't quite match their rhythm. I don't like it anyway. So I say against the wall.
Alone.
Alone.
Weird times
Sometimes I get this odd feeling. Like reality isn't quite real. Like I am on the verge of popping out of this into something else.
It's rather disconcerting when it happens.
It's rather disconcerting when it happens.
last night
Last night was bad. I was so down. Tried reaching out for help.
2 went to bed.
1 told me to get therapy.
I gave up after that.
Good reminder, when it comes down to it I am alone.
feeling deeply
It costs me so much to feel like this. Every little thing from touch to sound to emotion is amplified. I cannot wear certain types of clothing because I cannot tolerate it's feel. I cannot go to a rock concert, the sound would push me to breaking point. Some foods are too much.
When I love, I love too hard. I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel loved. Because when I get that back. I feel that too. So much I feel it, it's the best thing in the world. But when I get hurt. There is too much pain.
One day I hope to find a gentle person one who will enjoy my kindness and caring. And simply be kind back.
still trying and failing
Took my daughter on a day trip today.
Told the I would be happy to take her and her kids. But I knew she wasn't going to be up for it and that was ok.
Wrong thing to say apparently.
Now I am a terrible person who puts too much pressure on.
Asked my female friend. She said she's probably not going to want to talk to me again.
I don't understand humans. I feel so out of place.
I don't want to be on this planet any more. I don't think I belong here.
School
School. The place where so many of my issues came from.
People say you look back on your school days as the best days of your life. Fucking bullshit. Those were the worst days. I have been through some shit storms in my life but school was 11 years of continuous terror. I relate to women who have been in narcissistic relationships, not because I have been in one but because I was trapped in a hell called school. And there was no way out of the daily terror.
I remember my first day at school. 41 years ago was my first day, aged 5. My mother taking me there and leaving me alone. In a room full of strangers. I remember the abject fear. The teacher was kind to me on that day. That was at least something. I did not know a single person in that entire school.
That was my introduction to feeling alone.
Corporal punishment was in. There was no permission required from parents and no need to notify them either. They could assault and humiliate you in any way they wanted and it was ok. They had one teacher who dealt out all the punishment. He was a brutal, sadistic fuck who reveled in his job. He had 2 favorites. A leather strap. He named it herbie. It was not a belt. This thing was custom built to inflict maximum pain upon its victim. His second one was a small wooden bat. He would put a massive x on it with chalk and belt you with it. On your ass. He would check you throughout the day and if the chalk came off he would do it again.
That was my introduction to making myself invisible.
I managed to avoid both of those punishments. It was years of walking on eggshells, never stepping out of line.
I only encountered him once on the wrong side of things. I had failed to complete some work. Just couldn't do it. I was sent off to see him. Knew I couldn't disobey, I couldn't run. That was a hard walk to his room with my books. He stood me up in front of his class of 30 kids and proceeded to scream at me while the kids laughed at me. I held myself together throughout the barrage. It wasn't until he suddenly smacked me on the head with my book that I broke.
That was my introduction to public humiliation.
Autistic and Asperger's didn't exist back then. You were just a weird misfit and there was no help class sizes were around 30 kids I think. I don't remember the exact number. It was loud. So loud every day, it was intolerable and excruciating and it didn't let up.
That's where I learned about inescapable psychological torture while not being able to articulate what was wrong.
I could read. I was reading full length novels at age 6, famous 5 was a favorite series, an escape from reality. The thing was, I didn't read fast. I took in and read every single word. It was a slow process but I still read and devoured these novels. But because I lacked speed I was put in with the slow readers. Forced to drudge my way through books for babies. They held no interest for me so I had trouble with them.
That was when I first learned that I was stupid.
I remember waiting as the bell rang in the morning and the teacher coming to class. Wondering what their mood was going to be like that day. Were they going to be happy and it would be less terror or were they in a bad mood. Were we about to wear what ever had happened to them the night before
That was when I learned I was controlled by the random moods of others.
People say you look back on your school days as the best days of your life. Fucking bullshit. Those were the worst days. I have been through some shit storms in my life but school was 11 years of continuous terror. I relate to women who have been in narcissistic relationships, not because I have been in one but because I was trapped in a hell called school. And there was no way out of the daily terror.
I remember my first day at school. 41 years ago was my first day, aged 5. My mother taking me there and leaving me alone. In a room full of strangers. I remember the abject fear. The teacher was kind to me on that day. That was at least something. I did not know a single person in that entire school.
That was my introduction to feeling alone.
Corporal punishment was in. There was no permission required from parents and no need to notify them either. They could assault and humiliate you in any way they wanted and it was ok. They had one teacher who dealt out all the punishment. He was a brutal, sadistic fuck who reveled in his job. He had 2 favorites. A leather strap. He named it herbie. It was not a belt. This thing was custom built to inflict maximum pain upon its victim. His second one was a small wooden bat. He would put a massive x on it with chalk and belt you with it. On your ass. He would check you throughout the day and if the chalk came off he would do it again.
That was my introduction to making myself invisible.
I managed to avoid both of those punishments. It was years of walking on eggshells, never stepping out of line.
I only encountered him once on the wrong side of things. I had failed to complete some work. Just couldn't do it. I was sent off to see him. Knew I couldn't disobey, I couldn't run. That was a hard walk to his room with my books. He stood me up in front of his class of 30 kids and proceeded to scream at me while the kids laughed at me. I held myself together throughout the barrage. It wasn't until he suddenly smacked me on the head with my book that I broke.
That was my introduction to public humiliation.
Autistic and Asperger's didn't exist back then. You were just a weird misfit and there was no help class sizes were around 30 kids I think. I don't remember the exact number. It was loud. So loud every day, it was intolerable and excruciating and it didn't let up.
That's where I learned about inescapable psychological torture while not being able to articulate what was wrong.
I could read. I was reading full length novels at age 6, famous 5 was a favorite series, an escape from reality. The thing was, I didn't read fast. I took in and read every single word. It was a slow process but I still read and devoured these novels. But because I lacked speed I was put in with the slow readers. Forced to drudge my way through books for babies. They held no interest for me so I had trouble with them.
That was when I first learned that I was stupid.
I remember waiting as the bell rang in the morning and the teacher coming to class. Wondering what their mood was going to be like that day. Were they going to be happy and it would be less terror or were they in a bad mood. Were we about to wear what ever had happened to them the night before
That was when I learned I was controlled by the random moods of others.
update
So, we met. Spent a night together.
My daughter came too, instant friends with her daughter.
I have to do my best not to be clingy but I want to spend time with her. Hang out or do stuff. Whatever. But I know I can't push too much. The more I hold on the more it will push her away. It happened like that before.
And the biggest of them all. Do I dare hope? Because when I hope and it gets crushed it hurts. Really, really hurts.
My daughter came too, instant friends with her daughter.
I have to do my best not to be clingy but I want to spend time with her. Hang out or do stuff. Whatever. But I know I can't push too much. The more I hold on the more it will push her away. It happened like that before.
And the biggest of them all. Do I dare hope? Because when I hope and it gets crushed it hurts. Really, really hurts.
dreams
I dreamed I had found a new job that would have perfectly suited my wife and I, my wife was still alive and her cancer was almost completely healed.
Then I realized she wasn't. She had died and it was little more than my imagination.
Those dreams suck.
Then another dream, another job offer from friends of the family who would treat me kindly and it would be a nice stress free job. I needed to pick my daughter up from school before rushing to meet them, the job was mine all I had to do is get there with my daughter on time. I rush to the school and the teacher has decided to hold the entire class in. I can't wait so I go into the class ant explain I need my daughter now. Teacher refuses to let her go. I'm not wearing it. I start recording with my phone and then state collective punishment of a group for the actions of an individual is illegal under UN mandate,. Also because my daughter is being held against her will outside of school ours it's now amounting to kidnapping on top. Teacher is getting mad, I'm stating it's my first warning.
I'm feeling sorry for the teacher but I need my daughter. So I'm stating that this is my second warning and I will be removing my daughter.
I'm feeling totally calm as I state for the 3rd and final time I will now be removing my daughter and reminding the teacher that I now have the right under new Zealand law to use any reasonable force to do so.
Dream suddenly stopped there.
Very odd considering my daughter is homeschooled.
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