I know we are supposed to amplify the hurrahs until they drown out the boos.
Sometimes the criticisms get to me. I try not to.
But, sometimes they do.
Then I start to wonder, is it all my fault?
I know I'm not a great person. Maybe I'm even worse than I think.
Maybe, maybe this is my fault.
Maybe, just maybe, I deserve this.
The more tired I get the harder I have to fight the depression.
It's always a battle, gnawing at me all the time.
Eventually as I get tired it gets a stronger grip.
Until it feels like I can no longer keep it at bay.
Then I shower, make my way to bed
and endure the nightmares that so often fill my dreams.
Monachopsis is the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Felt out of sorts the past few days. Like I'm out of place, or the world is.
I don't know. Can't put my finger on it.
Somethings out. Probably just me running on too much anxiety.
16 years I spent with a fireball of a woman. Her wrath was immense when people got her going, but in all those years, she never turned it on me. Sure she got mad with me, we talked it out. Sometimes I would tease her a bit, get her fired up but she quickly realized I was being an ass.
Yesterday I accidentally got someone mad and they got angry with me. No ones fault really. She apologized several times later. But I had to walk away from her at the time. Felt out of sorts all day after that. I found I have PTSD triggers in me still.
Reminded me of why I am a mess and not relationship material. Those times are passed.
When someone triggers your PTSD, and you need to spend the day acting like you are ok.
But you aren't.