the modern gentleman

She told me she cut her hair short to stop her ex grabbing her.

.

She said her smile was almost right now, after he broke her jaw.

.

She told me how she hated her selfie because she could see her nose. The one he broke 4 times.

.

She showed me proudly how well she had done patching the holes in the wall. Where her husband had pushed her through. 

.

It makes me sad to hear these stories but I'm glad they tell me. 

.

It gives me purpose. It gives the modern gentleman purpose. 

.

Tomorrow I release a book on sex. In it I show how women should be treated right. That's my purpose right now. 

.

I can't fix the world. I'm no saviour. I'm no hero. But I can start something. Cause ripples. Show women how to be treated right. Once they see that they don't have to put up with it. When enough do. Maybe men will change. 

.

Will someone save me?

My anxiety

My anxiety is high. I'm freaking out over everything.
People keep asking me questions, I used to be able to answer them. Now it's like I am suddenly dumb.
I don't know, I just don't know any more.
Some of them I am having to apologize and say I just don't know.
I feel useless.

And alone.

Lockdown

It's just hitting me now. Tomorrow we effectively become prisoners in our own homes for a month.
We are still free to do what we want in our homes, I am still allowed to walk my dog. But there are so many things we can't do. No more road trips, no visits to parks. I am relishing the time off. But the other stuff......
It kind of feels surreal. I'm a little nervous.

dream

Cat (Ronald) comes home, something has attacked him. He's in a bad way. Half his lower jaw is busted and part of his head is torn away. 

He's loving me, trusting me. And I'm going to have to drive him to the vet to be euthanized. 

Woke up having a coughing fit. 

It's 2am. Don't want to go back to sleep. 

Hate my mind. 

outdated

I remember one day finding a pair of cufflinks in a case. They looked neat. You could almost feel the important occasions they had attended. 

But of course the way modern clothes are, they are no longer relevant, there is no way to use them. 

And today, I realized, the role of the gentleman has gone the same way. A piece of nostalgia, everyone loves the idea, they sure think it's neat. But there is no longer a place for them in this world. 

.

Women are no longer looking for a quality relationship, they want some guy who turns up once every one to two weeks, fucks their brains out and pisses off. 

.

They like the ideal of the modern gentleman. But he no longer fits into this world. Nothing more than a relic, stuck in a drawer to be looked at sometimes. Nothing more. 

Take me back

I want to go back 5 years.

Before all this shit. I want that ignorance of all this shit that's happened in that time.

Take me back.

Take this hurt away.

Take away the pain.

Please?

Karma and past lives

If Karma exists then I want to know what the fuck I did in my last life to deserve this shit.
If karma exists in that form then its an abuser because I am paying the price for someone else's mistakes. I am not that person.

Little girl

I see her you know.
I see that little girl,
crouched in the corner of your soul.
Hiding from the world.
They were so cruel.
They broke her.
Snapped her innocence.
Left her there as they walked away.
I see her.
Hiding in the corner of your soul.
You may think of her as discarded, or dead.
Maybe a stain.
Shes still there.
Maybe one day things won't be so cruel
Maybe one day people won't be so harsh.
Maybe one day....
She can come out,
and play with me

Kirsti :(

I see they deleted your facebook page today Kirsti.

You were a good friend. Messed up, but good.

I'll miss our 2am screams and rants about life.

I hope you are in a better place.

I'll be there mental health posts

I fucking hate it when people post those bullshit fucking I'll be there if you need me mental health posts.

I want to respond and say you fucking piece of shit liar. When I was there on facebook asking for help and melting down. Where the fuck were you? I know where the fuck you weren't.