Facebook and Censorship

Nearly two years I have spent working on the modern gentleman. It looks like it's in it's final days. I have fallen on the wrong side of the giant corporate juggernaut known as facebook. More and more they censor me. Trying to turn me into their biased bullshit version of a good citizen. One who never questions, but blindly follows. Time after time I wind up facing these bullshit giants. Universities, Hospitals, Government and now Facebook. I hate backing down from what's right. It's not me. But I never win. 

I'm tired dear reader. Tired of this world. Tired of standing alone. 

Hello Darkness

Some days the world gets too much. Tonight is one of those nights. Just gone 19 years since my mother was killed. Almost 4 years since my wife was killed. My life feels like a never ending shit show. So many bills today. Running out of money fast again. Outgoing higher than incoming. 

 And that piece in my head. I don't want to be here. 

I want a hug. Once again. Not gonna happen. 

Fuck. My. Life. 

FB jail and dishwashers

I'm in facebook jail again. Bad me. Womens bodies are unacceptable in modern society. Fuck you facebook. 

Dishwasher is faulty. I hope somehow I can fix it. Fuck knows. 

My only physical friend is again growing more and more distant. Hurts. 

I want a hug. Dumb. Not gonna happen. 

My corona money is almost all gone. My income is not matching my outgoings. Fuck knows. 

That feeling is back. I really don't want to be alive anymore. I'll remain, for my daughter, even though she makes my life hard. I'll remain. For now. 

Dear God. I have some questions.

Dear God, I have some questions.

Why did you take my wife before she even made it to 50? The one good thing in my life? 

Why did you take my mother before she made it to 60?

Why is there a mass in my sisters brain?

Why does my father have cancer?

Why am I autistic? Why is my daughter also autistic?

Why do I have chronic fatigue syndrome?

Why do I have rheumatoid arthritis?

Why do I have osteocondritis?

Why do I have to live every waking moment in pain?

Why do I have to live knowing that some time soon my spine will give out and I will be in a wheelchair?

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Why do you supposedly only give people as much as they can take? Do you say that to the people hanging from trees with a rope around their neck?

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Tell me about childhood cancers?

And plagues? 

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Why did you not want man to have knowledge?

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Why do you allow such atrocities to be committed in your name?

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"When I come before you I will not be begging for forgiveness, but demanding an apology" -A rough translation of words found scratched onto a wall at Auschwitz. Why did you leave so many to die so terribly?

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murder and exhaustion

The world is protesting, people are marching in the streets, there is rioting and looting because a black man was killed by police officers. I get the outrage. But when my wife was killed by those charged to protect her there was barely a murmur. Months of ripping myself to pieces for justice ended in a tiny 2 page letter of apology. 

That's it. I'm left to try and carry on. No help. I'm so exhausted. People don't get it. My daughter is autistic. She may seem almost normal but she isn't The one that hurts the most is her lack of empathy. She doesn't care about me. I have been asking her for days for help. She won't. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to use the last of my energy to clean a bit. It's going to push my body over the edge. But it has to be done. 

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Please, whatever is supposed to be there watching over us. I can't do this anymore. Please, help me. 

Please. Not people looking on going awwww. I need actual help. 

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Or just fucking kill me. Seriously, I don't give a fuck either way. My life is shit. I don't want to be here anymore.