Am I becoming irredeemably single?

I'm slowly changing. I realized I'm sometimes flicking my fingers (autistic stimming). I'm having more and more trouble spending time with people. I'm withdrawing. Is this who I will become? An autistic recluse? 

Is that such a bad thing?

The Greatest Story I Ever Wrote

The greatest piece I ever wrote will hardly be seen by any one. I'm pretty sure it's saved lives though. It hurt me writing it. It hurt me researching it too. I was forced to go through ptsd trauma over and over. There was no help, there couldn't be. So I faced it alone.

It was called Pollis story. It detailed over 6 pages how my wife was killed. 

I hope I never have to read it again. 

Dream

I had this weird dream last night that a woman let me put my arm around her while we were having a conversation. There was zero anything sexual about it. I enjoyed it and she did too. I think we were discussing computer networks. 

;

I see people post those statuses on facebook saying I would rather listen to you than sit at your funeral. 

Liar!!! I want to yell at them. Where were you that time 5 years ago when I fell apart? When I was begging for help, from anyone, just to talk to me. I sure as hell know where everyone wasn't. 

Let me tell you something none of you know. I had my suicide planned. I knew how, I knew where. I had the equipment. "Call the suicide lines I hear." You aren't thinking about that at the time. All you want is the pain, the grief screaming in your mind to go away. And you hope, hope that someone will simply reach out and say, "I'm here, let's talk." But of course, we are men, the tough ones, we are expected to stand strong, to sand through it all, alone. Until we don't, and then we die. 

I learned something that time 5 years ago. The only person who is going to drag myself through this shit is me. I will not make the mistake of asking for help again. 

For the ones wondering what kept me here. I found my anchor in a storm. I kept it firmly in my mind, my daughter has already lost one parent, how terrible would I be to take her other parent. Dying doesn't just take away your pain, it hands it to someone else. Shitty answer? Maybe, but it kept me alive when all I wanted was to die. It's what keeps me going now too. 

; I'm still standing. 

You need to go and see what that noise was but she will make you a sandwich.

 

You need to go and see what that noise was but she will make you a sandwich.

My dog is half huntaway, his breeding is such that he has to be walked regularly or he gets pent up energy and he does naughty things. It’s simply who he is. I’m sure some huntaways would like nothing more than to sit around but the majority need exercise. The point of what I am saying is humans have traits too.

A woman is a nurturer who wants a protector.

She’s looking for the rugged, strong man with confidence. No, you don’t have to be all of those things all the time. If you are off your game a little her nurturing side will kick in, but when needed, be a man and step up, always.

She’s still the nurturer, that’s why she wants you to be open and real with her. Why she gets frustrated if you are a closed book.

Shelter is everyone’s basic need for protection. You don’t have to be able to build a house on your own (although she will be impressed if you can) but some knowledge of power tools, DIY and being the one who mows the lawns goes a long way.

My friend was staying next door. She would come over, have dinner, watch an episode of something on my TV. Afterwards I would walk her home. I would take my dog too, he would race down her dark driveway as I held a torch (the one on my phone) for her to see. I would open her gate “check around the back Jack” the dog would race around the back. Once he flushed out a dog from around there, he chased it right off the property. We would wait while she unlocked her door and went in, then we would walk home. Simple things like this is what a woman wants, be her protector. The simple act of walking closest to the road, being her protector is what she’s looking for.

So, why does she go for the asshole? That’s a bit of an evolutionary mix up. She sees a man with confidence, a strong personality, capability in the face of danger and her innate desire to be protected kicks in.

So, be strong, protect her and she will take care of you. It’s hardwired into us.

 

jealous of depressed people

You know what bugs me? People who say they were so depressed they couldn't even go to work for 6 months. I want to say "how fortunate  of you" if I don't work my daughter and I starve. Simple as that. I have no choice but to drag myself out and work, to at least try to keep myself afloat. 

Being that depressed is a luxury. 

niggles

Some days life gets to you. The constant niggling wears you down.

Today was one of those days. Nothing overly bad. Just all those little things got to me. 

Still. It won't be today for much longer. 11:27pm..

meaning

I know my life has meaning to others. 

I wish it had meaning to me as well. 

I am me

Hi, I am me. 

I have always felt like a bit of an alien in this world. An outsider looking in. 

Sometimes I say too much. Go too far. Zero filters. You see, sometimes I get excited and I freely speak. Then I remember that people don't like that and I go the other way. The book of me slams shut. A lifetime of being silenced and ridiculed comes back in.

Being normal isn't normal to me. Trying to carry a regular face to face conversation, it's so hard, all those things to remember, body language, tone, inflections, and subject matter. All while trying to stay on the one topic. And then suddenly there's 2 people and I have to double my efforts. 

Sometimes I go to get lunch, but my brain is suddenly distracted, repeatedly. Then it's 3 hours later and I'm going hypoglycemic because I didn't eat properly 

But, I'm me. I'm kind, I care deeply, I think. And with all my faults, I feel overall I am a good person. Maybe, just maybe I will find the right people who will come into my life and accept me for who I am.

Hi, I am me.