Ramblings of a mad man

 That dam cursor on a blank page, flashing at me. Blink, blink.

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I learned something a few years ago. I found an anchor. Something to hold me in this world, because, honestly, checking out would have been a preferred option. I consider my daughter each time and what it would do to her. And so long as she’s here, so am I. Find your anchor and hold tight during the storms that threaten to rip you to pieces. Storms pass and they turn into waves instead.
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Humans are such adaptable creatures. I saw a woman once with no arms changing her baby’s nappy, her feet had adjusted and she was doing so well, probably better than a lot of people with hands. Our minds adapt too. After Polli died I wanted company so badly. It hurt being alone. 6 years later I have found I have adapted. Happy to be alone now. In fact I prefer it. The more time alone the more I find I can simply be me. Now the idea of someone else, it seems like something difficult to cope with. Not that I have much choice LOL.
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My thoughts are so scattered tonight, It’s hard to grasp them.
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Alan Parsons playing right now, when I’m old and wise. Being young, we had so much enthusiasm, but we were also a touch stupid. Now, the enthusiasm has waned but replaced with experience. Gotta live to know things. I guess even the stupid things were needed. So long as you learn from them right? Done with the crazy though. Ready for peace now. One day. One day I’ll have it.
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Maybe I’m still just a silly old fool. Then again, they say if you sit and listen to the rantings of a mad man eventually you will hear an extraordinary truth. Maybe one day I’ll tell that truth too. 

 

6 years ago today I took this photo, I walked into the building behind me in the morning a married man, I stepped out of hospice a widow. It’s been a hell of a time dear reader. Quite an adjustment, I have changed, changed a lot. I have grown, I think I am more than who I was. Change and growth I never wanted but sometimes we have no choice.

I don’t consider myself the greatest dad, but I know my daughter won’t be in therapy in 10 years complaining about me, I think that’s a win. She’s grown up knowing she matters, I have given her what I can.

I have met some awesome people on the way, some… not so awesome. Good and bad, that’s life though isn’t it.

To you out there. I hope life treats you well, I hope there is more good than bad. And if that’s not the case remember life is always changing, the bad will not last forever. If you still have someone you love, go give them a hug, you never know when it’s going to be the last time. We are all a moment away from our final day.

Love, love so well that when you get hurt, and you will, there’s no escaping it. Make sure that you loved so well the pain was worth it.

Step up

Women are the carers , the nurturers. 

Men are the creators, the protectors. 

Together they make a whole. 

So many men have stepped back from this, creating an imbalance. 

Step up, be who you should be, 

Make the world whole again.

Television and trauma

 

It’s a strange thing, the small traumas we have. For years I had trouble watching TV because it was always something I did with someone. My daughter in the main doesn’t like what I like so we rarely watch things together (apart from cartoon movies). It felt so lonely, so I simply didn’t.

Recently I was given some parts to upgrade my media system. So, I sat down to test it and found I’m quite liking watching a bit of TV again. I guess it’s another step of healing.

Single

This month marks 6 years since she died. I spent so much time looking for someone new with a few disasters along the way. Hoping, dreaming of finding someone again. Thing is, humans have a knack for adapting to their environment. It’s been so long now that I have adjusted to being alone. The prospect of someone coming into my life, it’s, daunting, and I’m not sure I want it anymore. Sure, I get lonely at times. But alone is starting to feel better. 

I have noticed autistic me is kicking in. I avoid social situations now, I catch myself stimming (just fingers) when I am alone, I’m not hating it, it feels freeing, I’m allowing myself to be me. I’m also free to say and be me. All over the place and it’s not an issue. 

Hi, I’m Edward, I’m an autistic 48 year old widow. I’m a bit of a mess but I’m ok with that. 

I am me.

Goodnight Mr hedgehog

I'm a sucker for the down and out. I try to help when the odds are stacked against me. Maybe it's because I wanted so many times for it to happen to me. Some hard lessons learned there, I no longer ask for help.

Anyways, 2 days ago while walking Mr Barkington I spied a hedgehog in the gutter. It happens, they get hit by cars at night. But, me being me went to check on it. It was still breathing. So I carefully picked it up (I happen to know how to handle hedgehogs) and took it home. It was good timing because a few mins later the street sweeping truck came past. 

So I got it home, checked for wounds etc and found none. It's very early spring here so maybe it had just come out of hibernation and was a bit disoriented. 

I put it in a nice box with some bedding and let it sleep for the day (hedgehogs are nocturnal). In the evening I pulled it out, gave it a better check over and a small bath. It was not in the best condition. And put it back into the box. I tried giving it food and water, it had a teeny bit of water but no food. Anyways, as I said, odds stacked against me, to cut a long story short, it died tonight. At least it was warm, safe and comfortable I could do that at least for it. 

Maybe when my time comes someone will do that for me too.