My last physical friend.
I have friends on facebook. But I only had one close physical friend. I don't get to see her much. Technically you could call her an ex girlfriend. It didn't work out so we just stayed as friends. It hurts a bit sometimes. But at least she talks to me.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
living with myself
They say you need to learn to live with yourself. You need to learn to love yourself. Then you can love others.
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
Goals
It's difficult to have goals when your ambition right now is to die.
A pathetic little blip in history. Nothing more than a side note on some geneologists database.
Please universe. Either bring some happiness to my pathetic life or kill me.
Don't leave me in this middle. Alive but not living.
Tired
My soul is weary, my heart hurts and I have so little purpose.
Please. Let me go. I don't want to be here anymore.
Strength from odd places
I used to think I was weak. So many battles so many terrible things. The depression cuts me so deep so much of the time. Recently my family got screwed over. My sister was so upset. I said to her do you want me to cause havoc? I can. Done it so many times I know how to do it. At first she said no. A week later she said do it. I said, last chance. I can do it. She said go for it.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
Done
Me: Please universe. Please, it's too much. Please, I just want some kindness.
Universe: buckle up bitch, I got plenty more shit to throw at you. You might be wishing you are dead, wait till you are down on your knees begging me to end it. And then I'll find new ways to torment you.
Free will
How much of our lives are free will and how much is external forces manipulating until they get their way?
Madness
I have lost a bit of my sanity along the way.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
Am I wrong?
I was so careful. I checked, double checked. Over and over I checked.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
I'm bullshitting myself
Today I am lying to myself. Saying its always darkest before the dawn.
I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.
Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.
I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.
Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.
My Daughter
Get in the car today, discover my daughter has carved I'm sad into the dashboard.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
A last hug
Just sitting reading about hugging and I remembered the last hug I got from my wife. She was dying in a hospice bed. I broke down and told her I was going to miss her and I didn't know how I was going to cope. She came around for a moment, murmured oh sweetie and hugged me before going back under. I miss her so much right now. My life is so fucked up without her.
Heart
Heart has been giving me a hard time.
Gave in and went to hospital. The one where they killed my wife. Figured it wasn't enough to kill me but potentially enough to fuck me up even more.
I fucking hate hospitals. Held it together while I was in there but now I'm falling apart. In my bed. Alone.
I want someone to hug so badly right now.
Potential new girlfriend is telling me to suck it up. Makes me want to die even more.
I want compassionate. I wish there was someone out there with kindness. I just want someone I can hold when things get too dark.
Please. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sick of living in the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of the stress from not making enough money, I'm sick of life.
Forced to go on because I have a daughter I must care for.
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