I dont want to be here anymore

If I didn't have a daughter to look after I would be free of this world.

Free from the pain.
Free from the fatigue
Free from the loneliness
Free from the stress

Eternal sleep.

But tomorrow I shall drag myself out of bed and go to my drugery of work and life.

Not working today

I give. I'm not working today. Stress and overdoing it has all come to a head.

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I just can't do it.

But I need to. I'm so short of money.

I don't know. I just don't know.

Need to win the lottery.

Update:

I didn't win the lottery.

I dragged myself into the world and did a couple of hrs work.

The muscle in my calf tore. I'm in more pain now.

It's making me even more depressed and lonely.

Too much today.

I've been working myself too hard helping my not girlfriend with a big project. I have been in pain for 3 days straight. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis.

That and a reminder that it's been 1year and 8 weeks since I lost my wife.

My daughter is refusing to help around the house and I'm too tired to fight.

A day at the pool. It's so loud and hot in there.

Stress about money

It's too much. I'm feeling down. And alone.

I miss her so much right now.

I asked for help. The opposite happened

So last night I asked the universe if I could have some good come my way.

I had a terrible nightmare.

My wife was in the hospital but I couldn't find her. Everything was changed around.

I managed to find a nurse who was one of the ones looking after her. She said they we're operating on her. I said they weren't. And they weren't going to. A part of me was reminding myself she was already dead.

I knew she was in distress and I wanted to get to her. Help her, but I couldn't.

I woke up with my body in shock. It was shaking.

Then this morning I backed into another car. The other car is ok. Mine is damaged. Probably hundreds. And my money is so low.

If you won't help me universe can I have a quick painless but dignified end instead?

I'm so low. I'm so alone. I don't want to do life anymore.

PTSD Inducing dreams

Spent the night trying to find my wife in the hospital, but I was lost. It had changed. Then spotted her nurses. They were telling me she had been operated on. I was trying to say she hadn't and she was going to die because they didn't and they wouldn't and it was going to kill her.

They had her in the wrong area, and I couldn't get to her. I knew she would be stressing but I couldn't be there for her.

I woke up shaking. Upset.


FML.

So low today

I'm feeling so down today.

I drove past the turn off to go to the place I will suicide if I ever go through with it. The temptation was stronger than it should have been. Luckily I don't have the hoses in my car to do it.

I haven't felt this low in months. I'm sitting here in a carpark. I want to cry for no reason.

Life is shit. I feel alone and stressed over money. I don't want to live anymore. There's no one to reach out to. Just gotta bottle it up and pretend it's fine.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.

I had the shits a few nights ago and I stopped it with a single codiene. I wonder if that's causing the depression.

Who knows.

Not the worst day ever. Just a plain bad day

So things went wrong all day.

The server I was trying to repair after 10hrs I had to give in. It's not worth repairing.

My not girlfriend who was coming for the afternoon and night had to make it the afternoon and evening. Then just the evening and in the end she had to give it a miss. Maybe tomorrow.

Then I ate dinner. My IBS is giving me a hard time and I spent over an hour in the toilet. I had a shower, got half way and had to get out and go back to the toilet.

I took codiene in the hope it will block me up. It's helping but I still feel uncomfortable.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Next day update. She ate food she knew didn't agree with her so she's not coming again. And she's tied up all weekend.

I'm feeling a bit low right now.

Lessons and learning

Most of the time learning things is good. We learn to walk. We learn the feel of sunlight. We learn to play. We learn to drive.

Then there are other lessons. Sitting in Subway on Sunday my daughter  learned what a seizure looked like when someone collapsed. She learned how long it feels waiting the agonizing few minutes for an ambulance to arrive.

Life is full of lessons we don't want to learn. What it's like to watch helplessly as your partner slips away. What's a sentinal event is. Just how much blood pumps out of the body after a head is ripped off. How trust can be broken by those you should be able to trust.

I guess we must learn the good lessons and the bad ones. But there are some lessons I sure would rather have never learned.

I hope life has more nice lessons than bad ones for you all. I guess that's the most any of us can hope for.

Some days are just hard.

Had someone ask how I lost my wife, so I told them.

Bumped into the midwife who was there at the birth of my daughter. She wanted to know how I was doing without my wife.

At the pool with the homeschoolers. people asking how I was getting on without my wife.

Sometimes it wears me down.

I'm at home alone with my daughter having a sleep over.


I feel so alone tonight. I need to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I don't want to. Theres nothing there but emptiness.

Just have to. Shower and bed. I hate being alone in that bed.


Gotta do it.