It's dumb.
I so badly want a woman to lay on my bed and let me hug her close to me. Just for a bit. Let me touch her. Hold her.
Meh, reality. Not happening anytime soon.
Old wounds
So, there is a conference this weekend on cancer strategies. Government, Universities, Cancer Society.
I contacted some officials. Offered to send them the complaint I did when the hospital killed my wife. They accepted and now its going to be read out at the conference.
Had to open files I didn't want to see. But I did, and I will. I'll keep opening them and I'll keep going there. They need to see what they are doing to people. They need to fix it.
It felt like I was ripping open old wounds and bleeding again. There's no one to help ease the pain. Doing this alone once more. I'll keep doing it. Fuck my psyche. Minds pretty messed up already. Whats a few more cracks.
Wish they would help me cope. Guess they can't.
What becomes of the lonely warrior?
I contacted some officials. Offered to send them the complaint I did when the hospital killed my wife. They accepted and now its going to be read out at the conference.
Had to open files I didn't want to see. But I did, and I will. I'll keep opening them and I'll keep going there. They need to see what they are doing to people. They need to fix it.
It felt like I was ripping open old wounds and bleeding again. There's no one to help ease the pain. Doing this alone once more. I'll keep doing it. Fuck my psyche. Minds pretty messed up already. Whats a few more cracks.
Wish they would help me cope. Guess they can't.
What becomes of the lonely warrior?
Nice people get nothing.
Karma like most religious dribble is a fucking lie. Put there in an attempt to stop assholes from fucking up other people.
I am a good person. I have devoted so much of my life to helping others.
I bring technology to the poor so they have an opportunity to use it too.
I write to help people in or getting out of abusive relationships.
I even carry jumper cables in my car for when others need a start.
I have taken bags of groceries to people at midnight because they have no money and haven't eaten.
If someone needs me to stay up talking or needs to talk in the wee hours I am there.
.
Feeling suicidal? Talked a few people down from that place.
.
Feeling suicidal? Talked a few people down from that place.
I have snuck around to people's places and put cash in their letterbox just to help them have a nice day.
I do so much for so many people.
What do I get? To be alone.
Fuck the world.
Oh yeah. Happy birthday to me.
Work
I can't get my business back on its feet.
Last year I spent $4,000 more than I earned
The year before it was about the same.
One of my clients I have had for 19 years. It's a long time.
Tomorrow I go in to give my systems to another company.
The client has been cutting my budget year after year because they are losing money too.
They are going for a cheaper solution.
I'm kind of hoping it will bite them in the ass.
Last year I spent $4,000 more than I earned
The year before it was about the same.
One of my clients I have had for 19 years. It's a long time.
Tomorrow I go in to give my systems to another company.
The client has been cutting my budget year after year because they are losing money too.
They are going for a cheaper solution.
I'm kind of hoping it will bite them in the ass.
That's what she said
Everything here has been said to me. By women.
Shes too old.
Shes too young.
Shes too messed up.
You are too messed up.
You are too selfish.
You spend too much time thinking of others, its smothering
Shes a bit out of your league.
You are being a honey trap.
You need to harden up.
Stop wanting someone for the sake of wanting them.
You are manipulative
I cannot support or agree to you having a relationship
Shes too old.
Shes too young.
Shes too messed up.
You are too messed up.
You are too selfish.
You spend too much time thinking of others, its smothering
Shes a bit out of your league.
You are being a honey trap.
You need to harden up.
Stop wanting someone for the sake of wanting them.
You are manipulative
I cannot support or agree to you having a relationship
Virtues of the unwinnable fight
There were two of us. Now there is one.
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.
Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?
Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.
The battles have cut you so deep.
My scars tell a journey of where I have been.
You are broken, you are weary.
My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.
It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.
Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.
Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.
I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.
I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.
Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?
Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.
The battles have cut you so deep.
My scars tell a journey of where I have been.
You are broken, you are weary.
My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.
It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.
Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.
Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.
I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.
I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?
Dating site fail realizations
OMG, talking with a friend and realize why I fail on dating sites on the rare occasion when I am contacted. I hate that crap small talk. I get bored with it and fail on the conversation.
Crap. I'm stuffed there.
Friday night. Alone again, naturally.
I spend so much time being everything for everyone. Tonight I don't need to be there for anyone. And then I realize how few are there for me. Everyone is busy.
I asked a friend to look at my profile on a dating site today. I have been active for months. 3 people have spoken to me and stopped talking to me pretty quickly. She goes on for 20 mins before shutting her account off. Gets 3 responses and a date. She didn't even mean to.
I am a piece of shit.
So far tonight I am a "fucking asshole", I am inconvenient, and I need to make my daughters fucking dinner (3 separate things).
I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.
Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.
I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.
Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.
Whats wrong with me?
Something is out of wack. I don't know. The depression is back. I can't shake it. I crave touch. All I want is to hold a loving woman. That is not to be. The few close to me are distant. They are going through their own issues.
Tonight loneliness is is my only friend.
I tried talking. It was wrong
I spent 2 years trying to open up. Trying to grow, be independent. I'm told I now talk too much. I need to learn how to stop after an appropriate amount of time. Oh and I am too negative and share too much.
I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.
I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.
I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.
I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.
Holiday Blues and random ramblings.
I feel so messed up. It's all just fucked up. Everything is just. I really really hate fucking life right now.
I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.
I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.
Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.
You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!
Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!
Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.
Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.
PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.
They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.
Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.
Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.
I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.
I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.
Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.
You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!
Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!
Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.
Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.
PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.
They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.
Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.
Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.
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