xmas 2023

 Well, here it is, Christmas once again. I decided to cook a good meal. My daughter sat in front of her computer to eat. She has Aspergers and that's where she eats. I usually do as well but I didn't want to be in front of my PC tonight so I sat in the lounge and ate alone. It's a double edged sword. I can't deal with people and the more time I spend alone the less I can cope. But I also feel so lonely sometimes. 

Some things have no answer do they. 

Single is easier

3 years ago I wrote this. It still has meaning but after the years have gone by (I have been a widower for 7 years now), I don't know anymore. The idea of a relationship seems.... daunting. Maybe it's time to accept my lot. Single is simpler. Even if it's lonely, so lonely.  

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I was walking through the new entranceway to the house and thought, “I bet she would have loved the change.” 

I was playing a new videogame thinking, “she would have liked this too.”

I watched a movie thinking, “wow! She would have been talking about this for days and watched it a few more times while loving it” 

I got worried about Christmas and she wasn’t there to say “it’s ok, we will get through this together” 

It was Friday night and there was no one who wanted to watch TV with me.

I saw something funny and a bit adulty on the net but I couldn’t show it to her. 

I saw a toadstool growing right out of the sand while walking the dog and there was no one with me to show. 

I don't need to be saved or fixed. I can do that myself.

What I miss is having someone to share my life with. The fun things, my deepest thoughts, her deep thoughts and secrets too.

Our wedding

 

I missed most of my wedding.

Right before the ceremony Polli tripped and sprained her ankle. 2 nurses who happened to be there checked her over and they suspected a fracture. She stuck out the ceremony, meal and speeches. By then things were swelling and we had to ditch the rest and head for the hospital, the nearest one was over an hour away. No priority is given at the hospital, even when it’s your wedding you are missing. They had us wait 3hrs for xrays. It was a sprain. We headed back but most guests had left by then.

I mentioned that because it was 20 years today we got married.

Last nights dream

 It was a weird one. 

My wife turned up. She wasn't dead, she faked her death so she could run off with another guy. Then she was back after 7 years and insisting she comes back into my life. I'm upset that she had put me through everything and was now just wandering back. I was also confused as I saw everything she went through and was there when she died. 

Been a odd feeling day after that. Can't shake it.