Caring women
The women
in my life would rather see me die on my horse than drop off.
-Some random
guy in a book store
I wish I
could find someone with that nurturing, caring side. A lifetime of battles has
taken its toll. My mind and body are not doing well. C-PTSD combined with a
liver and kidneys permanently on the brink of failure. Doesn’t make me much of
a catch. Maybe one day someone will see beyond the broken man. Someone looking
for kindness instead.
One day.
Maybe.
Experience
Years ago I
played a video game. I can’t even remember it’s name.
In the game
you built a shelter and after a random amount of time a storm would come
through and wipe out the shelter and you had to start again from nothing. Over
and over I rebuilt and refined the shelter until it could withstand the storms.
I just want
to remind you, if you lose everything and have to start over you aren’t doing
it from nothing because this time you have experience and no matter how many times
you get knocked down, each time you have more experience.
Chess and the importance of losing.
My
grandfather loved chess, he played it every day and had 3 chess computers (he
said each one had a different play style). Sometimes I would visit and we would
have a game or two. He never held back and trashed me every single time. Game
after game, he was unbeatable. No, I never got good enough to beat him, he went
to his grave unbeaten. But I’m glad he never held back, because with every
defeat I learned, and when I played others I improved more and more and so I
was difficult to beat too.
Not all
losses are bad, get the lesson from them, learn, and use your knowledge to
become better.
Annoyed
Ever get
mad with yourself for not being over things you should be over?
I just sat down
with one of the hospice nurses who was there when my wife died. No, I’m not
sitting in a corner rocking. I’m about to carry on with work. But I still feel
a sadness there. And I’m annoyed, because it was over 6 years ago.
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