Today

I feel like a fucking door mat.

Go ahead, just fucking use me.

Guess it's all I deserve. I'm just a piece of shit.

Not so awesome pic

So, this came up on facebook today, in the memories. I had posted it a year ago. Who knows why.

It was a photo I took on the day Polli was diagnosed officially with terminal stage 4 cancer.

I felt so alone looking at it today. Alone and so sad. I cannot find the thing I want. To love and be loved back. I'm there for everyone. I know giving is good. But please. please. Can I have my turn of receiving? Please? I don't want much. Forget fame and wealth. I just want to be loved and be comfortable. Is that really so much to ask?

Their Stories

I sit. I listen. I read.

I read of their heart break,
I read of their betrayal.
I read of the violence.
I read of the hurt.

I want to help.
I want to take all their pain away.
I want to show them love, and compassion.

But I can't.
All I can do is sit here and listen.
It hurts. I feel their pain.
But I will listen.
It's the least I can do.
I will sit here, and I will listen to each of them.
I will show them that someone cares.
That someone is willing to sit and listen.
Someone is there who will not judge them.

Because at least that's something.

Jealousy

I remember talking to her one day. We hadn't been together long. She was talking about a male friend who would be visiting the gathering she was at. How they had talked a few times. Suddenly she stopped. "I- I never slept with him she stammered, looking worried". For a moment I was confused. Then my mind caught up. Her narc husband. I said to her, "look, I don't care if you did. You are 53 with 2 children. I'm pretty sure you aren't a virgin anymore. It's ok if you had past boyfriends, I don't care if you see them still. More importantly I don't give a rats of some of your friends are male. "
"Thank you" she said.  "I have trouble, my husband used to get mad if I spoke to another male and he wasn't with me. It's going to take some getting used to".
The conversation drifted off. For a moment, deep in our thoughts.

I said to her, "If you ever slept with another man I would apologize". "why would you do that" she answered with a quizzical look. I said, "if you felt I wasn't the right person then I would feel I had a part to play in it, that I hadn't been what you needed, I wouldn't get angry, I would simply say sorry".

18 years

18 Years since my mother was killed. I still miss her every day. Life has been weird since then. It's had some good times and some bad times.

I'm so sad she missed seeing my daughter grow up. That hurts. And I really wanted her to be at my wedding too.

Just how it is huh? Life can change in an instant.

Erattic

Looking at my posts. They are.... erratic.

Shit going on. Stuff I don't even feel safe talking about on here.

Life is confusing right now. Can't talk about it to anyone. I'm sober more often than I like. But I'm so depressed at the moment. All it seems to do is make the depression worse.

Now I'm sick. Wish there was someone to help. There isn't never was. Even my wife used to yell at me when I was sick. Asked my daughter to help. Just a bit because I was having trouble cooking dinner. She got mad. Wish there was more empathy from her.

More nightmares

Every night. Nightmares. I don't sleep until I am so exhausted I have no choice.
Then the nightmares happen.

Make them stop. Please.

Her wrist

I saw the scar on her wrist today. I don't shy away from her scars. I don't want her to ever feel shame about herself.
So I pointed it out to her. Told her it was a page in her story, and that I hoped the next chapter was going to be a lot kinder.