Bottle it up

Bottle up the pain. Push it in, lock it away. No one wants to know about it.

And repeat....

The cancer ambassador

Someone from the pagan festival days and who I have known off and on for years, her partner has got cancer. I have sent her a ton of info on facebook and today I visited them, they have moved close by to be with his family. I went through the info I have.

It hurts, deeply hurts, because I have to drag up the memories of what I went through with my wife. The pain and PTSD triggers are still there. Not that I let it show. They need help and I will tear myself to pieces to ensure they have it. I hope to all hope that it will be enough, that they do not have to endure what I had to go through. 

If they manage it, the victory will be bittersweet. Knowing I was right, that I can reverse cancer, even when its deep, and the elation of knowing they don't have to go through the pain. But knowing that I could have saved my wife and failed.
If I fail, then I am left to wonder about the trust they have put in me. But I must, and will try. They know there is a chance of losing, I spoke about wills and burial etc, they have been thinking about it. 

She called me a cancer ambassador.

I need to sleep, I hope I can. 

Introvert bliss

Today a woman came around with her laptop for me to fix. She sat beside me on the sofa and I gave her a book to read while I repaired her laptop. It was my kind of company. Together with someone each doing our thing. Although some hugs would have made it awesomely ultimate.

Is there something wrong with me?

Probably.

Alone again

Little catch up. Last week my not girlfriend left me again. 1 year after she did the same thing. Apparently it was my fault. I didn't communicate properly and my negativity drags her down.

Shes right of course. I never want her to feel trapped, so I let her go. We still talk, although I am careful to keep my low thoughts to myself now.

It can no longer be a relationship. Because it's false. I am not able to be me.

This.

Searching

Tonight I am searching in the wrong place for something I cannot find.
I am doing so because I do not know what I am looking for, so how can I look in the right place?
So I search. Knowing I cannot find what I am looking for. I'm sure I need to find it. How do I find something when I don't know what it is let alone where it is.
Truly lost in a land of confusion.

How do I accept being alone

There has to be a way. I see all these people revelling in being alone. Why do I have so much trouble? It's happened a few times, fleeting moments where I have felt ok with it, but it doesn't last.
I've tried all sorts of things from drugs to affirmations. Nothing works.

MSM supplement

So, in my quest to find a way to deal with my rheumatoid arthritis I took MSM supplement. I have to admit, my joints have improved. But after almost a week a massive headache has set in. I looked online and there are so many people with headaches from it. And now it looks like I have a few days off it before it passes.

Sigh.

I'm trying

Look. I'm trying, ok? I know depressed is not good. I know 2 years of depression is bad. Very, very bad.
I don't want to be like this, I'm trying to climb out of the black hole..... Just can't seem to shake it off.
Still the thoughts remain. I don't want to be here.