Moments

 

Moments. So many moments in our lives.

We greet our new pet, who becomes our lifelong companion

We hold them as we say goodbye

Sometimes we do the same with friends and lovers.

We watch a butterfly on a summer afternoon.

Someone abuses us when we know it should not happen.

We taste a new food for the first time, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

We watch the rain on a lazy afternoon with a cup of something in our hands.

We experience pain so harsh we think we may die, or we wish we could.

All moments. Those moments become a part of us, a part of who we are.  

Those moments, they really do define us. Let me tell you something though, we get to choose something. We get to choose what we do with those moments. It’s the greatest gift we have, the choice on what we make of those moments.

Life is an easier path for some it’s true. Sometimes I wish mine was. But I know I still have a choice. I can choose to be who I have become. I have some regrets in my life, I’m sure we all do. But I still think at the end of it all. I can look back on my life and say that overall, I took all of those moments and I did the best I could with them.

I am me.

 

pleasant moments.

The most pleasant moments of my life are going to sleep beside a woman. The most frustrating is being unable to find that again. 

Treasure the fact you still have someone. Not all of us are fortunate like that. 

Done

 I don't want to be here. In this world. It's full of mean people. Wish there was a good exit. Guess I'll be dead soon enough. An end to the pain and confusion. 

Sigh

 Another client preparing to dump me. 

They are wanting changes made to their system, it will potentially put a lot of children at risk, I'm trying to explain it to them but they are wanting it to happen anyways. They probably think I am being difficult. 

I hate innocent people getting hurt. This city is dangerous. Theres more than 200 registered sex offenders living here and no one is allowed to know who they are. 

Strong? Brave?

Someone once said to me "I don't know how you did it, staying with your wife the whole way through." To this day I'm stunned over that. There was no way I would have done anything else. I never considered myself strong or brave, most things in life scare the shit out of me, but I will always protect those closest to me because doing the right thing, it's just what you should do you know. Never stay in an abusive relationship but also remember in a normal relationship not every day will be kittens and rainbows. Sometimes one or the other of you will be off your game. 

Remain steadfast in your love. Storms in life will always come and go but its sure easier to weather them when two people believe in each other.

Maybe I am strong. I don't know. I just know what's right and I do that. 

Fuck the world

Fuck the world and everything in it

Live for the moments my friends

You cannot find salvation at the bottom of a bottle or in the smoke of a bong, but its sure nice to be numb for a little

Try to treat your body with kindness it’s the only one you will ever have, but make sure you get some use out of it too. 

You can never agree with anyone all of the time but if theres more tears than laughter you are in the wrong place. 

Do not marry your job, you can be replaced on a whim, loyalty is just a word with little meaning to your employer. 

 Settling is dangerous, you may miss something better. But then again, it beats lonely right?

Be good in this world, you never know, maybe some of that kindness will come back one day

Take the ramblings of silly old fools with a grain of salt. But maybe there is something in my words right? If you stop and listen to the rantings of a madman you just may find some truth amongst the insanity.

shattered woman unlovable

 

We get things programmed into us. Even when it seems obvious it’s wrong, your programming tells you it’s not.

I spent 40 years being told I was stupid, that my ability to write was nothing more than basic. That I would never amount to anything much because I was too dumb. When I won an award for my work in IT, with my face on the cover of a magazine I put it down to being a sales gimmick, even with 187,000 followers on my page I feel like a fraud. No matter what people say, I sometimes feel fake. When you think you are unlovable because you were told that for years, I understand why you think that and no matter what I say will change it. Not at first anyway. But you see, this is why I have patience with a shattered woman. I understand, what has happened has been set in to you so deeply it stays. Maybe after years of being loved every day, maybe we can change that a little for you.

That time I got engaged

 

Story time with old MG.

This is the time I lied to my wife and why you will all forgive me for doing so.

She knew we were going to get engaged, it was a given but I was determined to make it a surprise. Trying to get around an empath who knew the moment anything was a twinkle off was not easy. I told her “maybe January February area we should get engaged” (that was the lie). Now, I thought hard about how I was going to do this. The initial thought was take her to the local cinema and have a message up on screen before the movie started, I knew the owner and he would have done it, but she would have picked up on the staff acting funny and as I said, I was determined to surprise her.

I made a plan, we occasionally went for picnics and had our favorite place. She loved it and I could arrange it without arousing her suspicions.  Ok, plan, now the ring, my sister used to be a jeweler, I had the ring but it needed to be resized. We visited my sister who used a great line, “Hey, I got this ring, I wonder what it would look like on you.” Using that she was able to get the size, perfect, I dropped the ring in to a jeweler to have it resized and then, intentionally, I put it out of my mind.

It was around 4pm in December (summer in New Zealand) when they called to tell me it was done. Plan ready for action, I called my soon to be Fiancée and calmly said “hey, can you get the picnic basket and make yourself ready?” Let’s have a picnic after work, I’ll stop off at the supermarket and grab food, you don’t need to do anything. I race off, get the ring, do 2 loops of the supermarket making sure I had everything, nothing left out (ok, I got way too much). I get home, ring very safely stowed in a box in my pocket.

I collect her and we go out to our place. We find an area in some trees, no one around. Perfect, we set everything out.

“OK,” I say, “I have a wee surprise, close your eyes” she told me later she thought I had bought some chocolate or something.
“Open your eyes now” I was kneeling in front of her, ring box opened and ring facing her.
“Will you marry me?” She burst into tears and managed a “yes!”  

This was in the pre cellphones having cameras days, no pics I’m afraid. Then was the next thing for her. Sitting and having an amazing picnic dinner wearing her ring while wanting to go and tell all her friends. She managed it quite well. We got home, I looked at her, smiled and said “you need to phone your friends huh?” She nodded. “Go for it, I’ll get the picnic stuff in and put the leftovers in the fridge.” She almost ran to the phone.

So there we have it. I lied, and I’m not sorry.

 

A funny thing happened on the way to 48

 

A funny thing happened on the way to 48

I’m 48??? How the hell did that happen? Wait, I’m saying something else here, it was important.

So, I am Asperger’s which tends to come with a side order of ADHD. A number of you will know aspies will get hyper fixated on a subject and learn everything they can on it. I love going to the fair when it comes to town, not to go on the rides but to watch how they work, the brilliance of often simple engineering. I could go on for ages about the unique qualities of my cars gearbox and engine (don’t worry I know how boring that is and I won’t).

Somewhere along the way, I have no idea exactly why, I became fascinated with the subject of sex. I think part of it was guys saying how good they were and I wanted to be as good (was years later I found out a lot of them were lying) but even beyond what others said it was a fascinating subject. So, I did what I do, I spent years studying it. I looked at everything I could, from women’s magazines to porn to studying human anatomy to psychologists discussing the topic of how men and women think. I was also so lucky to find a few women who were ok for me to ask some rather explicit questions and get honest answers (did you know around half of women prefer one breast over the other). I haven’t had many girlfriends but I have loved every one of them, still talk to a number of them, they were all special women and I treasure being able to partake in their bodies.

It has only been in the past few years, after starting Modern Gentleman that I took the time to understand the Dom/sub dynamic. I think that’s why I have difficulty with any label like that, because I simply didn’t know or feel it. Even after spending some time talking to people (a number of subs mainly) I still don’t feel I am one despite explanations that are pretty damn close to me. Rather than a label I simply like to say I am me, uniquely me. My style is me.

I love to pleasure a woman to her limits, I find it fascinating to watch, learn, study what gets her going, how far we can go, it’s fascinating. I find she is more than willing to see where she can go too.

Random fact, I have never read or watched 50 shades of grey, just seen a few snippets.

I never really fit into this world. I always felt like an outside observer. Modern gentleman is a mix of my life and observations I have made while watching humans with all their quirks.

I love bringing pleasure to a woman, not just sex. Everything. I love the delight they take in food too. The sassy ones are awesome because they seem to be the ones who take such delight in all sorts of things. I love the ones who’s eyes light up as they go into a random junk store full of “treasures” waiting to be discovered, the smile as they emerge from a yard sale with some random item. The way they leave a great movie talking almost non stop from excitement of what they just saw. Damn I miss that.

Why am I single? Because to see this side of me you have to get to know me. In person I am the quiet one. I am hypersensitive, I see and take in everything around me and it’s not easy, crowds are a horror to me. So much at once, and the noise. It’s a personal hell. I’m totally understanding that a lot aren’t like that. I’m happy to stay home while she goes out, no jealousy because I understand how others need that social contact (very human). I also have limits on time I can spend interacting although with practice I think I can be better at that again.

Hypersensitive. I hate wool, how can people wear it? It’s like sandpaper. And denim, rigid. Nope. A woman’s skin though, its so soft and smooth. Running my hands over her body is so dreamy, I never get sick of it.

So, this is a part of who I am. The Modern Gentleman. I am me.

Modern Dating

Modern Dating

A number of years ago (20 if I were to guess how long) a man around 50 became single, I was able to watch from a distance as word got around town that an eligible man was single and women started showing up at his work as customers, it became very apparent some of them were not looking at purchasing anything, some would return a few times dropping hints. The poor chap was oblivious to it all.

Forward to 2 years ago

My female friend and I joined tinder at the same time. I setup my profile with a number of pictures and a well thought out piece on who I was.

She put up one blurry photo of her that didn’t even really look like her. She stated in her profile she didn’t really look like that.

2 weeks later I had 2 likes, no matches.

I happened to be visiting her and she showed me her profile. 99+ likes (tinder stops counting at 100). She said she had given up. Almost any male who she did like with she matched. She had a few conversations and most times they were not really looking for her type and half were assholes.

And here is where we seem to have struck a problem. Most men now seem to have this, “I want to go for anything with a vagina” attitude and it’s turning off all the women. I’m not sure how or why it’s gone this way, is it the proliferation of dating sites and pages? Or something more?

It’s created a change in women, they stay away from singles anything because they feel mobbed but it’s also created a world where the quiet men, who a lot of women are looking for just never get a look in. They are unseen so the women wind up with assholes looking for their next conquest and the good ones are hidden in the back.