There for so many

I'm looking at the people I'm talking to this morning. One I helped out of an abusive relationship and I to a kind loving one. 

Another got out of the abuse when her partner killed himself. 

Another I'm helping to show kindness to after she spent 27 years with a narcissist husband after a rough childhood.

Then I'm reading a piece about people with BPD who push away those close to them, they break relationships if they go too well. I think of the girl I was looking out for who got mad and stormed off cutting all ties and blocking me. I still like her and worry about her. 

I think about the people who I help through my Facebook page. 2,900 followers and counting.

.

But who is there to give me what I need? Who is there to hug me in the morning, to be there when the nightmares are too mean? And they are often too mean. 

.

It's a lonely life even when it's full of people. 

A response to not being able to trust

I am sitting here musing on what you have said.
I want to say you can trust me, but that's just words.
I think of the book Polli wrote on toxic relationships and the kind things she said about me.
I think of introducing you to exes who will tell you I am an idiot, but a good person.
I think of introducing you to a woman who I helped extract from an abusive relationship and watched as she bloomed into a new relationship, (come to think of it more than one).
But I know your hurt runs deep. And all they can give you also are just words.
So I won't do any of that. Maybe something will happen one day. Maybe it won't.
So here is the best I can offer right now. I accept you for who you are. I accept that I am not and cannot be who you want or need me to be. I am me, full of flaws and my own set of issues, I will not hide that fact.  If friends are all we can be then I will accept that.
You are a neat person. And will be a good friend I hope. I WILL mess up. I WILL get things wrong. When I do, please tell me so (preferably gently) so that I may learn. It's ok to say "you are being a dick".
Oh, and thank you for being you. :)

Low self esteem

There is an advantage to low self esteem.

When you get rejected you were kind of ready for it. You felt like you wouldn't be good enough from the outset.
What you do lose is that hope. The hope that maybe you wouldn't be alone. That hope that you would get to wake up beside a special person one day. The road trips, the shopping together, the meals, yes, the sex too. Just all those together things.
Gone.

Dumped

She dumped me. Before we even met. She said problems at her end, she wasn't ready.
Lies, but kind of her to do so.

Alone again. Naturally.

I'm too much

Today

Today I reconnected with a woman who disappeared a couple months ago, shes resurfaced and is homeless, in the middle of winter. She couldn't say much, shes going to contact me again tomorrow. I worry about her.

Talked 2 women through anxiety meltdowns.

Quietly accepted a womans drunk text messages with humor, she just needs to blow off some steam.
I wonder what she will say in the morning when she looks.

All while feeling alone.

Merry Christmas everyone.

2 world's

I see 2 world's. I live in a mortal realm. Where I live in pain, and hurt. Where it's inhabitants are filled with fear and anger. Where they will imprison you for growing a plant that can cure people.

Yet sometimes I see small pockets of light, compassion and love. It's often born from within hatred.

I see a second realm. Bordering the first. Where they look on with hope. Hope that those who are hurt can be changed into the ones who love. Is that our purpose? To get hurt until we come out with empathy? 

No more begging

I told her today I didn't want to beg her to let me visit. So I would wait for her to ask me if she wanted.

Shes stopped talking to me now.

Alone again.... Naturally.

Fuck I hate christmas

Xmas Tree

A friend showed me a photo of her tree. Looks amazing and so many presents underneath.

Our tree has one present underneath. Now I feel like a useless father. :(

Questions for santa

There was a Santa where we were visiting but the line was quite large. I told my daughter she could tell me what she wanted.

She asked for a new mom.

If anyone knows Santa, can you pass the message along? I wouldn't mind her having a new mom too. 

Patience

She's still talking, up and down, round and round. I have no idea any more.

Meh, what will be will be.

I give

She cancelled afternoon tea, 3 days out from it.

Bad timing apparently.

I guess I'm inconvenient.

Why do I bother? I'm just not the right person in this world. I don't fit.

The return of hope

More talking, afternoon tea at her place in a few days, a chance for her to heal.

Do I hope? Do I dare? Shes beautiful.

Can it work?

Always looking for that catch.

The folly of hope.

6 days since I last wrote in here.

So someone found me. A train wreck I could roll with. Shes pretty. And Kind. And caring. And funny. I don't get why she likes me but she does. Bit by bit she broke down these walls.
I started to hope. Maybe things were going to work out. Maybe, just maybe. An opportunity happened, no daughter on Wednesday, the only time over the next 4 weeks. Lunch? She said yes.
Hopes were raising. She wouldn't be perfect but close enough to it. Some logistics with pets n kids. I'm overthinking already.
Then she cancels, sore throat, strep throat. I know dear reader, it's not her fault. But it knocked me. Life, life was falling into place, I could see it clicking. You know, maybe I could spend some of my xmas holiday with someone instead of feeling terribly alone.
I can see it starting to unravel.

Why, why do I think life will not be an endless piece of shit. How can it go right? That is a luxury for others. Not for this broken old man. Maybe I'm being saved from some embarrassment. Maybe she will take one look at me and run for it. I wouldn't blame her. I don't know why she hasn't already.

Why we rewrote christmas.

Christmas had not been good for many years. I used to work in retail. Christmas in retail was a horror. If you thought shopping was bad. We had to work 7 days a week from the start of December, there was no time off. Then the last days we had to work 8am until midnight. It was hectic and breaks were often missed. By the time christmas day rolled around I just wanted to sleep. That one day off before going in early to reprice the store for the boxing day sales. And of course everyone was angry and we as the frontline staff wore it. I did that for a number of years. So I already have a bit of an issue.

I managed to get out of retail before my daughter was born thankfully. Once I had a wife and daughter Christmas turned into a new hell. 2 families and friends to get around to. We wound up having to try to get to 6 places in one day.

all of them of course wanted us to be there for either lunch or dinner. So the arguments would start before Christmas because we could not do 6 meals in a day. People got angry. Then the ones we did see for the main meal we had to say, your allocated time is one hour, we will be here for that time please make sure the food is ready on time. It never was. It was almost always just being dished up when we had to leave. Packing a hungry screaming toddler into a car just as the food was about to come out was shit. That was the other thing every time my daughter was settled it was time to move again. She started to hate Christmas too.

So we tried alternating years between people. The pissed off people when we tried to do that. Sheesh. And those meals when we did go there. People who have been cooking for 2 days and were up at dawn to cook are often quite angry. And then it spreads to the others. The words from a Shrek Christmas thing "Christmas isn't Christmas until somebody cries", that rang true. My wife and I used to try and predict who would cry and who would make them cry, not the kids, but the adults.

One day I got a kidney infection and was too sick to go anywhere, I spent the day in intense pain and vomiting for hours. Afterwards I realised that was the best Christmas I had experienced in years. Wrong but true.

So I put my foot down. There was no pleasing everyone anyway. I was going to make them angry no matter what I did. So I simply said "I will not be going anywhere for Christmas" I refused to go out. We had food at home. Nothing extravagant, bread, some supermarket salads, supermarket ham etc. We said to people you are welcome to visit, stay if you want. It will be a relaxed day.

Yeah, lots of people got mad. But they were mad anyway. Shit happens. And now every Christmas we stay at home, we do not go out. It's a nice relaxed day. Some people visit and some don't and that's ok.

So there is our Christmas. Oh, and my daughter is happy with the day being like that too.

Cancer and the PTSD associated

Spent a few hours talking to a couple. He has cancer. Drs have said time to give up. Go home and die.

I know where they are at. Know how his wife feels.

They want to battle. Good on them. I'll help. Bunch of triggers facing having to give them the info they needed. Not as bad as I thought it would be. Not crippled by it. Maybe its because I'm already in a terrible place mentally. Already at rock bottom.

There is no light.

Home is where your heart is.

So far today

This morning
I have created a post that has been seen by over a thousand people in less than 2 hrs.
I have helped someone in a domestic violence situation get help. Also helped her to feel less alone.
I have helped 2 people make a connection, maybe something will come of it.
I have inspired and helped hundreds of people.
I have connected directly with a few as well.
I have offered words of encouragement and help to thousands.
All this morning.

Now I will leave and go to my job where they keep cutting my budget. I don't think I even make minimum wage anymore.

Another friend lost.

Oh Kirsti, I knew you were drinking a bit, I just didn't know how much.

Those 2 am nights when we would message each other to scream about the world.  I will miss them. The world was too much for you. I understand. You had to drink until your brain stopped. Now its gone and not coming back. They say one day you may walk again, but your mind. Your mind is gone and will never return. You are an empty shell. I hope wherever your mind has gone its able to rest now.

Thank you for being crazy and screaming with me. I will miss you.

Lonely Warrior

Lonely Warrior

He's weary, beaten down from years of hurt.
He never asked for this, never wanted it to be this way.
This is not how it was supposed to be, he had plans, ideas, hopes, dreams.... A life.
Then in a short time it was ripped away from him.
He lost the greatest battle. It bites and gnaws at him every day.
They call him brave this lonely warrior, they don't see the hurt, the pain dripping from his soul. He doesn't want this, never wanted it. He has no choice. He stands, grips his sword and moves forward. Not because he wants to, he does it because it's the right thing to do.
Time to move out. Friends are gone, all fallen by the wayside. He's one of the last.
One day, one day he will find that shield-maiden crazy enough to fight by his side once more, not yet. It's not his time for such bliss. He steps out once more into the darkness, carrying a small lantern to show others the way. Such is the lot, of the lonely warrior.

Highlight of the week

Highlight of the week.

I hugged a woman. Felt nice. Don't think she was happy about it. Shes still talking to me so meh.

Lame huh?  A hug was my highlight.

Unwanted

My not girlfriend/ ex/ best friend is off looking for a boyfriend. Sounds like shes found one. Tomorrow shes spending the whole day with him to see how well they get on.

Fucking hurts. But I have no right to hold her back. Gotta let her go. Gotta cheer her on. I'll wave and encourage her. Through my tears.

Knowing I wasn't good enough for her.

I am a loser.

2 days of depression

2 Days of depression. Couldn't even make it into work today.
Too much shit on top of shit.
I'm feeling very, very done.

My Karma

I have 2 real friends. Soon one will have a boyfriend and very little time for me. 

The other has some serious health issues. I don't know if she's going to last. 

Why does the universe seem to push so hard into making me be alone? Why do I have to be punished? What did I do so wrong that I have to have the one thing I truly want in life always taken from me?

Am I really such a terrible person? I try to be good. To do good. This is my lot. To always lose those close to me. 

Maybe I didn't try hard enough to save my wife. This is my karma.

Random acts of depression

Why does it happen?

I'm just sitting there and suddenly from out of nowhere a sudden wave of depression and then closely followed with anxiety just to add to it.

Will this stop?

Or is this the rest of my life?