New Years eve

 

So, the earth revolves around the sun once again.

Been a hell of a year. Been saying that every year for some time. Holding on. Still, harsh times bring good lessons. Just a pity about the delivery of those lessons right?

We all have goals, so many are different. Some it’s a better job, some it’s a new car, or a home. Maybe you want a quality relationship. All are fine goals. None are wrong. Please don’t belittle people just because their priorities are different. Mine was for that last relationship. The one that would take me to my end. Now, I don’t know, the longer I spend alone, the more I become used to it. I seem to swing back and forward. Wanting it and then thinking maybe I can’t do it anymore.

Who knows. I get told stop looking and the right one comes along. Then I get told that not looking and I miss opportunities. That’s the world all over isn’t it? One side or another, black or white. Night or day.

Balance, that’s what we need to try for. Care for her, hold her close but make sure she has freedom too. Balance.
Balance while I am a man of conflicts.
I have been called a Pleasure Dom. Label is ill fitting. I will not inflict pain on a woman.
Been called Strong yet tender
Brave but I have anxiety
A deep thinker. I cannot tell you what color underwear I am wearing.
An open book, but only if you can figure out the right things to ask. Otherwise this book slams shut.

Pink Floyd playing “all in all it was all just bricks in the wall” I guess that’s all of us isn’t it? Created by our experiences. Just have to decide what you will build from those bricks. I hope next year your bricks are light, that you can build beauty from them. That at the end of next year you can look back and see how far you have come.

I remain,

The Modern Gentleman.

societal expectations

 

Sometimes societal expectations suck but it’s a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

Nice guys deserve to finish last.

 A woman is in a bar, 3 men are surrounding her vying for her attention, buying her drinks.

Another man comes in, walks to the bar close to where she’s sitting and orders a drink, he looks her way, smiles, nods and then goes to join his mates.

The woman is no longer interested in any of the 3 men, she keeps looking to the man with his friends. Sometimes he looks over and gives her a nod or flashes her a smile.

The next time he comes up to the bar she ditches the 3 guys and goes over to talk to him. The 3 guys are mad. “All the things we did for her, ugh, us nice guys finish last”

A bunch of women are reading this, sighing, and going yeah. And a bunch of guys are reading this and being mad.

Let me just let you know, if you are mad, you are a part of the problem. If me saying that makes you madder you really are the problem.

Let’s switch to the woman’s viewpoint.

Ugh, I was sitting at the bar and 3 guys were totally in my face, just pushing themselves on me, It was creepy, it felt… slimy the way they were all over me.

Then this guy walks in, he seemed so confident. He walked up to the bar and when he finally turned to smile at me he really got my attention, he got his drinks and walked to his friends. He got my curiosity. I don’t know. Something about him. I kept looking over to him and on occasion he would see me and smile. He finally came back to the bar, I got my chance to ditch those 3 and talk to him. He gave the right vibes, confident and no pressure. I knew I had to get to know him better.

Even in a relationship, there’s a balance. Understand this, overly nice guys finish last and it’s your fault, not hers. Do things for her, love and cherish her. Go out of your way. But make sure you don’t make her feel trapped as you create what’s called covert contracts at her. That’s where you shower her with so much she feels like there is a debt she can never repay. This is the reason for the term “give with no expectation of receiving”. It’s not that you should never want anything but if you are creating these covert contracts you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Getting mad? Triggered? Ready to write a shitty comment? Then just know you are the problem here.

You need to strike that balance. Self absorbed narcissists are assholes, but the overly nice guy isn’t great either. 

Fear

 I walked around town this morning. Looking at the plant's the trees and the artwork. I also took the time to look at all the signs in the stores, broadcasting fear at so many different levels. Some require vax passports, all requiring masks. There were a few signs of protest at the mandates, not many though. 

The people too though, so many living in abject fear.. A woman I knew stopped to talk, she stopped suddenly and apologized for not wearing a mask to speak to me. Another, a youngish woman walked past with a hoodie emblazoned with virginity rocks across the front. She scuttled past me like I was a horror. On a quieter street a woman was walking towards me wearing her mask, out of curiosity I cleared my throat, not a full cough. She crossed the street. 

Can't really blame them though, its been over a year now of inescapable fear pushing. Television, radio, newspapers, billboards, stickers on the footpaths. Fear, be afraid, get injected. The times they isolate us and so many stopping every day to listen as they sternly roll out the new numbers. 

The trauma of christmas

 

“Make sure you don’t push your trauma onto your daughter. “

Polli was right. She was always right damn it. After many years of crap I hated Christmas, it had become a shit day that I didn’t want to deal with, but I had no right to push any of my problems onto our daughter. I had a think. Sometimes those wheels in my brain need to turn over a few times. I knew she wasn’t liking the day much either, it was overloading her and so I turned it into a time for her, while making it a day I can cope with too. It works now. For both of us. My daughter loves Christmas because I remain mindful not to push my trauma onto her.

You know what? I think I am enjoying it a little more too.

Run!

 Walk away, or better yet, RUN! 

Nothing good can come from being close to me. 

I am chaos

I am destruction. 

Even though all I want to be is love. 

legs

 

Tonight I was walking the dog, the weather is a bit crazy right now and it’s making my arthritis act up. I was walking along cursing my legs and particularly my ankles when a thought popped into my head.
Someone in a wheelchair would give anything to walk the dog like this, the pain would be worth it.
I need to remember to take less for granted.

A simple reminder

 

I woke up this morning to a reminder on my phone.

It told me of a lifetime ago

It told me of a good meal

It told me of watching a movie together

It even told me of passionate love making.

It told me of holding hands.

It told me of secrets

It told me of inside jokes

It told me of appreciative looks.

It told me 2 words

“wedding anniversary”

hopes and dreams

When my daughter had her birthday last week she had a cake and made a wish. She wished for a new momma and that we had financial stability. Too many times I have had to tell her we can't do things because we simply don't have the money anymore.

She well knows wishes don't tend to happen like that, she's been asking for a new momma for some time. 

A few times a year I buy a lottery ticket and spend a couple of days dreaming about financial stability too. 

I know how unlikely I am to win. But I still dream of it. 

You see, we need dreams and hopes. Like wishes and lottery tickets, or even watching movies where the good people win. We need these things to make life more bearable, because without hope. What else is there?

.

 Dear reader. I hope one day your dreams come true too. Until then, watch the movies, make wishes on dandelions and birthday cakes. Have hope and maybe, just maybe, you will get your wish too. 

Torn

Yesterday my friend visited for the day. It was great, we had a neat time. 

I found myself wishing I could do that more often. Loved it. 

But.... there is always a but. 

I hit a limit. I needed some time to myself. 

Luckily I think she did too. 

How can I manage a relationship if I cannot manage an entire day with someone?

I'm getting worse with that. More and more the hermit. 

.

Can I manage a relationship? Or am I too far gone?

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

 

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

I used to drive Santa’s sleigh for a few years in a Christmas parade. There was 20 – 30 thousand people lining the streets and every year there was always that one kid, they tended to be around 4 years old and they were hell bent on getting to santa. I had to lug this huge sleigh down a tight street with a quad bike. Watching to make sure I hit no curbs and always watching for that kid. I always spotted them. Their mother would be holding on for everything she had while her child was trying to break free. They often managed it too. Thankfully that sleigh was going at walking speed because it didn’t stop too well. In all those years I never ran over a kid.
Do we blame the kid? No, they were just over excited.
Do we blame the parent? No, they were helping their child to see someone special.
Do we stop having santa? Hell no.
So I drove that bike with one foot on the brake, ready for that kid.
There were hundreds of cameras on me, one mistake and I would be a social media hit for all the wrong reasons.
Did things go wrong? Sure did, both tyres went flat one year. No one saw but I dragged that bastard right down mainstreet on its rims.
One foot on the brake but no stopping.
Sometimes life gets scary but others rely on us.
So we keep one foot on the brake but we don’t stop.

Don’t stop ok?

 

 

I think I have PTSD

I think I have PTSD but when did it happen?

Was it sitting in an office as the voice of a police officer said there was an accident? Was it the next day as I helped pick my mother's coffin?

Was it sitting in an office with 2 Dr's and 2 nurses as they explained how my wife will not survive?

Was it sitting beside her as she turned towards me as she took her last breath.

Was it the alcohol I drank trying to numb my brain? I just wanted it to slow down.

Was it the teachers in school telling me over and over in subtle was how stupid I was.

Was it the report cards that were not so subtle 

Was it the bullying? The teachers were worse than the students.

Maybe the nightmares that plague me most nights. The reason I am up in the middle of the night writing shit like this even though I'm so tired I can barely see? I don't want to sleep.

Is it when I found myself utterly alone and finally had to look at myself and dig myself out of my own shit and try to figure out who I was?

Maybe it's having to say thank you to people who say they love what I say while my mind screams at me THEY ARE LYING, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

Is it the fear of the future? I can't see a way out of this hole. Not one that doesn't end with people standing over my coffin at my funeral saying generalized platitudes. 

My soul is weary. 

I think I have PTSD.

Warrior

 

Fatigue hidden behind a gentle smile. The lonely warrior grips his sword. It’s been relentless for so long. Sadness drips from his arms. Maybe some rest soon, respite. Not yet. Not today. He moves forward once more. Fight the unwinnable fight. We all perish in the end.

Outcast

Today I am an outcast of society. 

I cannot enter the places I work during normal hours. 

If I go to a GP they now have a portable cabin outside to be seen in if necessary, but I am not even allowed in their waiting rooms. 

Soon I will not be allowed a haircut. 

I will not be allowed into Gyms

I will not be allowed to eat at a cafe. 

I'm not allowed to go to any festivals this summer, even outdoor ones. 

I look on facebook. The hatred of us unvaxxed is growing. 

I hate "society"

Humans are still horrid. 

Day 1 of being ostracized.

 Day 1. I'm tired. I checked the news to see if there were reports of havoc. Why did I bother? Of course not they have been paid off by the government not to report that. 

The warned about division is happening of course. I am not surprised. I have seen it before. Makes me sad though. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day of normality (if you can call it that) 

After tomorrow I am no longer allowed in my workplace

I am not allowed to participate in my way of life because I refuse to participate in a medical experiment. 

The world is falling to tyranny. 

Some can see it. 

So many cannot. 

If I am wrong I might catch something that gives me a survival chance well over 99.7%

If I am right 90% of the world is going to die. 

A mass extinction event. 

I hold the line. 

I will stand. 

Not for myself, but for my daughter. 

I shall hold on for her. 

Declined

 I thought I was going to manage a medical exemption for the covid vaxx. It seemed promising. 

After making me wait for almost a week the GP changed her mind and said no. 

I will not be coerced into a medical experiment. 

So in 10 days my company will effectively be shut down. 

Fuck the assholes who are forcing this. 

I live and I die on MY terms. Not yours. 

Tired

I look at the news on my phone, it's all covid, covid covid. 

I look at facebook, covid, covid, more covid. 

I stop at the supermarket. Scan codes, wear a mask, plexi sheilds at the counters. 

I go in to see a client, move past the counter setup just in the door and work out mask etiquette before repairing their equipment. 

Friends talking, it's all covid. 

We are being placed in a culture of abject fear. It's psychological warfare. Its been well over a year of it. 

My company is being decimated. Not that it was going all that well. 

I'm cracking under the pressure. Good thing I'm used to living like this. 

Will the terrors of being alive ever end?

Just want a hug

I woke up this morning and just wanted to hug someone. But of course there wasn't anyone. 

My eyes wanted to leak, I was so desperate for someone to be there. 

No one there for me of course. 

Felt down all day. 

Living alone.

I never wanted this. 

My mind

 My mind is everywhere at once. Some is dark, some is light. Some is sex. Some is the deepest sadness you ever knew. Fear, anxiety, strength

Tyranny

So many of the sheep still cannot see it. 

We are now in a tyranny

Participate in our medical experiment or face the consequences. You will lose your job, your freedom to enter most places will be limited. We will make sure the populace shuns you. 

Outcast. 

Show your papers or your freedom of movement will be stopped. 

2am

My waking life is bad enough. 

The nightmares are harsh again. 

2am. I am exhausted but I don't want the nightmares. 

But I must succumb.

Time to slip into the fetid depths of my mind. 

do you ever

Ever wake up in the morning  and wish you could just end it?

Here for my daughter.

My body is wrecked.

The endless physical pain. It won't go away.

My job is toast.

Running out of money and credit cards

Alone.

I keep holding on. 

But I don't want to.

4 directions of a mind

Bending my mind in different directions simultaneously. 

Talking to a woman whose going through an abortion, on her birthday. She's feeling alone. 

Talking to a woman who is afraid of government over reach

Talking to a woman who is alone and needs to feel sexy. 

Talking to a woman who overworked herself today, she's on the verge of vomiting from pushing too hard and needs to keep going tomorrow

Pushing my mind in 4 directions simultaneously. All while exhausted. 

Bed, sleep. I'm going to help a friend tomorrow with hard physical work. I'm going to pay for it the next day. But that's what we do. Such is the lot of a modern gentleman.

Tales of a Modern Gentleman

Tales of a Modern Gentleman.

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.

“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.

“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”

“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.

“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”

“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“

They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said.  “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.” 

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”

Covid fears

 In the worst covid areas in New Zealand they are now going door to door and testing. If they come back positive then the people are taken to quarantine facilities. Failing to do any of that results in massive fines and possibly arrest. Escaping from those facilities ends up in prison time and more fines. 

There is talk of limiting the freedoms of those who don't get the "vaccine" It's not a vaccine though its an experimental gene therapy. 

People are scared. There's lots of talk about adverse reactions, the government was trying to stop it but now... there's so much flooding in its becoming a torrent of people. 

Besieged

 

I feel besieged by everything in the world at the moment. My lungs are damaged but I have to wear a mask. You can get exemptions but you are treated like dirt if you don't. I saw a video the other day of a guy who tried to get into a supermarket here with no mask on. He had an exemption Just hope he eventually got medical treatment from the police beating him up and slamming his head into the road. I have to wear one when I go in to see clients too. Everywhere you go it's vaccinate, vaccinate. Businesses here are starting to say we will not allow you entry unless you are vaccinated. There’s a division forming, those who vax vs those who don’t. This world is getting scary.

Pushed and pulled

I feel pushed and pulled by life and people at the moment.

Round and round. 

Look at this, look at me, help me, help me. research this, know that. Act this way, be that way.

I'm overloading. 

Aspie, limits to shit I can withstand. 

Tired. So. fucking. Tired

This cup is empty but I'm still being made to pour from it. 

Scared too. 

Stay here for my daughter. Focus on that. 

I don't want to be here. 

I miss a relationship

 

How do I explain it? I miss her, of course I do. But a year ago I… I accepted her death. Now it’s not so much how I miss her, I’m missing those things. Random car rides with a hand on her thigh, Waking up beside her in the morning, catching a perve when she climbs naked into bed. Someone who gives a fuck when I’m down. Someone to celebrate even the small wins. Encouragement for the hard shit you know. Those grins when you take her somewhere she loves, even if you aren’t a fan of it. I’ll say it, I miss the sex too. Getting her favourite food and watching her happily eat it, making her laugh at stupid shit. Time is going on, my body isn’t getting younger, will I hit the point where I my body will be able to have nothing but companionship? And even now, it’s been so long. The doubts, can I even manage a relationship? Sometimes I just don’t know anymore.

Drink

I want to drink, 

I want to be drunk. 

I want to be numb.

I want to slow my mind.

I want that clarity that comes. 

I want to play loud angry music and feel it inside me. 

Because that's the only way I can feel the rage and the hurt. 

But I won't

No more alcoholic.

I will sit here in my pool of misery. 

Leave me here in it's murky depths. 

To drown in my sadness. 

The metronome

Tick tock

Flip, flop

Tick tock

The metronome flips side to side. 

On one side I feel happy to be alone. 

On the other I want that relationship

Back and forward

Tick tock 

I have freedom

I want to care for another and have that care reciprocated.

Flip Flop

Peace at night in my bed. 

Someone to touch late at night when the nightmares come. 

Tick tock

Back and forward. 

Over and over

It never seems to stop. 

Freedom comes in different forms.

 Freedom looks different to different people. 

We have been in a lockdown for a couple of weeks. While some feel oppressed for me it was the opposite.

I got to simply be me no faking being normal at work. No worrying about can I do my job. No worrying will I have enough work to pay the bills (the government covered that) no trying to push through chronic fatigue. Bliss

Tomorrow that ends. Its time to go back to work. The anxiety is hitting a bit. Trying not to think. 

Sorry for existing

 My business is failing. 

I don't think I am capable of a relationship anymore so that's taking a rethink.

My health is shit and it's getting hard to work.

I try not to look at the future because every time I do it's damn scary.

Sometimes I want to apologize to the whole world for existing and go slink off into a corner.

Ramblings pt4

 

11:25pm. Should be in bed. Words flying around my head, trying to grasp them.

1 month and it will be 5 years since I watched her die. Yeah, I miss her. But, now I more miss having someone there. Share those moments, but at the same time, I’m becoming so used to being alone. Can I adapt to someone after so long? Does it matter? No one close enough to here who has any interest beyond friends.

Blink, blink goes the cursor.

Sometimes we sit there willing ourselves to move. Just, it’s not there you know? Argh, the frustration.

Heads muddled. Brain fog.

Men on singles pages with that any hole is a goal mentality, you stupid twats, flooding women so they don’t know what to do. Slow it down, look for the few that really interest you. Then meaningful dialogue can happen. Maybe I’m wrong though. I’m the one who’s long term single.

Laugh, it’s important. Helps the mind, I don’t laugh too much on Modern Gentleman, not the right place, I’m full of inappropriate humor though.

Sometimes I watch prank videos on youtube. Fact is though in real life I would hate it. She’s supposed to trust you.  Shouldn’t betray it.

Words aren’t flowing tonight. Time to head for the shower.

Good night all. Or good day depending on where you are.

 

Dont know what you got till its gone

 Don't know what you got till it's gone 

-Cinderella

You know, I knew what I had was good. Maybe I was a little complacent about it sometimes, but yeah, when it was gone I understood, it was then that I knew what I had and it was real. 4 years of looking for real again. I don't know if it's out there for me anymore. 

Wisdom from an old man. Don't get too complacent in your love. One day it won't be there anymore. All love stories are tragedies in the end. Make sure yours is a tale worth remembering. 

How many times

 How many times will my mind make me lose my wife in my dreams?

Countless times and last night was one of them. 

So lonely. 

Tired

 I'm tired. So, fucking tired. It permeates everything. Physically, emotionally. Just, so, tired. 

No more. 

Please?

Not much work on either. I'm going to need money real soon, money I don't have. 

Sick of humans.

Trolls on my page, trolls are asses with no reason to do so. 

Looking at my rich relatives on facebook. They all just got back from the cook islands. One of them got married over there so the whole lot went over. 

My friend worked so hard and aged 55 bought her dream property. She has a clear view 30kms to the ocean. The place in front of her sold. There are many places to build on that new section but the new people have decided to build up the ground and totally block her view. There is nothing she can do about it.

Humans are horrid creatures. 

Goals

My current goals:

Good enough health that I don't wonder if things will go terminal soon.

Enough money that I don't live worried about what I'm going to do when the next bill turns up.

And someone who I can wake up beside each morning.

Not looking very good at the moment. Guess some of us get dealt a shitty hand in life. 

It is what it is. 

Not willing to accept it though. 

I deserve better. 

depression

When you fight depression for a week and finally it wins. 

Don't fucking know anymore. All seems pointless. My page, spend half my life running it. Why? What's in it for me?

.

Fuck my life. It's shit. Still don't want to live. It's all a fucking Trainwreck that's gonna happen sometime soon. 

.

Fuck knows. 

Labels

 

Labels in this world are very useful, we identify food, plants, pretty much everything. The problem is sometimes there is no correct label. I fit no exact label. I guess the closest is Pleasure Dom (dominant). It’s shitty and ill fitting though.

I guess it’s part of why I am still single, I can’t easily place myself in any particular category.

You see, I refuse to inflict pain on a woman. It’s just not me. The whole ropes and restraints doesn’t do a lot either. But I need a sub (submissive) the right one, one who is willing to release her body and mind. You see, my fetish is in making a woman orgasm, not just one small orgasm, it’s pushing further and further for more and larger orgasms. Achieving this takes time, it’s not going to happen the first time. I can achieve some fantastic ones the first time but it takes learning and trying things to truly take her places. Sometimes the journey can be as much fun as the destination.

The most difficult part is treading a fine line, pushing her to her limits but holding back enough because if you go too far she passes out and that is not great on my part, sitting there frustrated after pleasuring her for hours. Unfortunately, this happens a lot because seeing her in a mess of orgasms makes me want to push her more and further. Hitting that balance is not easy when neither of you wants to hold back.

So, you say, what’s in it for me? There has to be pleasure beyond just pleasuring her. There is. In sexual terms, after she’s had her fill I can be completely selfish in what I want. I keep it varied but I can keep it about me and take as long or be as quick as I please.

Outside of sex, I’m still the strong person, but, not always. I love a woman who is kind and tender with a side of sass. Who will be gentle towards me. I guess a woman with slightly sub tendencies there too.

Me n her = Gentle

Me n her against the world = Badasses.

Don’t ever hurt her. I hate fights and arguments and I will walk away when possible. But I will be relentless when I have to be. I’m old and well-practiced.

wasted life

Crawled into bed for the afternoon. I can't afford it. Pretty fucked financially.

I'm too fucked up for this world. 

There's no help. 

I'm on my own.

Just people going awwww from a distance.

Friendzoned again

Got talking to a woman. Seems neat. Finally asked her after weeks of talking if we could meet. 

Got slammed so hard and fast into the Friendzone I think I got whiplash. 

1:17am

1:17am. Exhausted and alone. Need to sleep but there's no one beside me.  No company for the nightmares. 

I feel so alone right now. 

Can anyone love the autistic guy?

Or am I too flawed? 

And oddity in a world demanding flawless. 

Sleep is winning.Time to disappear into it's murky depths. 

I'm just me

 

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.

-The animals

They say you should never meet your heroes because you will be disappointed. I had an admin of a page message me one day. We struck up a conversation and talked for a few months. She told me that first time she put it off because she felt intimidated. Talking to “the” Modern Gentleman. Maybe that’s my problem, the few women who talk to me have this elevated idea of who I am.

I’m different it’s true. My mind works differently. Aspergers they call it. Or High Functioning autistic, or autistic. Even the experts can’t agree on what the hell we are but seriously, I’m not anyone amazing. In fact I’m quite an awkward person. If you ever meet me I can tell you that I will be a mess, I will get things wrong but I will try, if you tell me what works and what doesn’t I can work towards it. I guess that’s one great thing about not fitting in with societal norms, I can change a number of aspects of my mind. Only a few things I can’t change, mainly things revolving around my hypersensitivity. I care though. I care deeply and I try.

I just hope that one day someone will see past my awkwardness, forgive me for my mistakes and gently guide me the right way (I have figured out a lot already). I have a lot to offer. To you out there, if you can and want to, come join me in my world. It’s a bit weird but it’s a good place. It has kindness, love and dad jokes. Oh, and Mr Barkington too.

 

Why?

 Seriously. Why?

The one thing. The one good thing that made all of this shit worth it. The one thing. That made my fucked up life good gets taken away. I search for 4 1/2 years. and I find someone. I find someone awesome. She's so damn neat. 

And I will never be with her. Placed tantalizingly close but just out of reach. 

Why? Why must I be tormented so? Is this some kind of hell I must endure?

Sorry

 Sometimes I think I should apologise to the world for existing.

unloveable

 

 

useless

Too stupid to get things right. Leave me to drown. It will be best for all of us.

Mhy must I be tormented. The thing I desire most. Tantalizingly close but just out of reach. 

Maybe hope tomorrow. Probably not. I see issues already. Why would she want me?

 I'm feeling out of place. Out of sorts. Out of me. 

It's... how do I explain it. 

I have a hunger, that cannot easily be quenched. I have a need for a deep emotional, personal connection with someone. Sex but, not fucking, no. A depth that comes from experiencing a prolonged period of connection until both collapse, exhausted and sated. 

I feel ridiculous for its need. Like my hormones are out of control. 

Lonely depressive

 So lonely, depressive episode hitting, can't talk to anyone though, I will sabotage. People wanting to talk, drains me more. 

I'm so tired. 

Can't drink to reset my mind either. 

Fucked raw by life, no lube. 

messed thoughts

no hugs for this dickhead. 

I am nothing but a loser masquerading as something else. 

Walk away from me, it's best you do. 

Or was I nothing more than a fantasy. Pass the time. 

They seem nice

 

Why would you want to love a shattered woman?

 

“Why would you want to love a shattered woman?” you may ask. Let me tell you.
You will get someone who appreciates love and kindness. She will not throw those back at you.
Randomly buying her flowers, cooking her favourite meal, doing the dishes, all those little things, she will love. If you keep going you will see her grow and bloom into a beautiful person. Slowly she will get her voice back. I love it when they do. Heaven help anyone who ever tries to silence them again. That’s the first part of their confidence. Then as the rest of her confidence returns, oh how awesome she is. Then one day someone will cross you. The fire that will come from her, that person will surely burn.
And the love, the passion. It’s like she’s had to repress it for so long. It comes back, oh it comes back. She will want to go further and deeper. She will want to find limits and boundaries if she knows she is in safe hands.

Let me give you a warning here dear reader. She may reach a point where she must spread her wings. She will never leave completely, not if you don’t want her to, but sometimes she needs her new found freedom. Let her go, let her fly. Cheer her on as she rises.
Maybe, just maybe, you will find one who stays.

 

mothers day

It's mother's day.

My wife is dead, my mother is dead. 

There is nothing to celebrate.

I miss having someone to dote on. 

cast aside

In their minds they want me. In reality I'm the autistic retard. 

Unwanted. Unloveable

Fuck, my, fucking, life

 I'm running a gauntlet of bearucrats who are trying to kill off my business that I have spent 20 years creating.

Because some asshole feels schools working together is wrong and they have to compete instead.

And now they are paying a nationwide chain to undercut me.

So I am losing my clients.

So I am busting my ass trying to keep my last clients happy doing impossible things.

Because I am too sick to go do a regular job.

In short I am very, very fucked and I see no way out.

So I bash my head against brick walls in a futile effort to last a little longer hoping beyond hope something goes right for once in my pathetic fucking miserable existence.

This years lesson, you give up everything for a job, in the end though, they will drop you for the big company who can do more for less. Loyalty is just a word.

Acts of kindness

 "Do you still have that wood up the back? I have run out and won't have the funds for more for a little. It was cold last night." 

"Sure, come around this afternoon and I'll cut it up."

I get home and pull out the chainsaw and sharpen it's teeth. She arrives and we head up the back. This body of mine is not doing well but it's getting mighty cold at night. She doesn't have a lot of money and she only has solar power, no other heating. A few pulls and the chainsaw bursts into life. I dropped that tree a year ago so I know the wood is dry. I work in bursts. Push until I'm having trouble. I stop and rest. Then do some more. My back is yelling a bit. It's going to be worse later. Can't stop for too long or my back will seize. I cut a couple weeks worth of wood for her, she's working to take it out to her vehicle. I have to stop, feeling faint, buzzing in my ears. Sit for a few minutes. Ok, one last go. I start the saw and finish it off, sweats getting in my eyes. This body is an ass. 

I finish off the area, we feel around the grass, she pulls out a few last pinecones and branches. She loads them up and heads off. I go in, take off my I'm fine mask and rest. I'm hurtin tonight. It was worth it. Feels good helping someone with no motive other than "because it's the right thing to do." Her and her daughter will not be cold tonight. 

The truth about relationships

 

“relationships are easy with the right person”

No, no, no. No relationship is easy.

I remember bringing Pollis wheelchair home. She was only capable of walking a few steps by then. She cried. Losing her ability to walk. Losing her independence like that. All I could do was reassure her, but I felt it. Fucking hurts seeing them go downhill like that. Would hurt more being the one losing it. In sickness and in health, I took an oath. Didn’t need it, I wasn’t going anywhere anyways. But that’s what you do in a relationship, a real relationship.

Relationships are worthwhile with the right person The good times will make the shit times worthwhile, and together there are times that will feel like your soul is being strangled. That’s the price. The good tempered with the bad. Knowing everything I know now I would do it again. All of it.

dancing

The dance of life.

.

They all dance just out of reach. Never quite coming close enough. So I stand, alone. Watching them come in, then moving away. 

Fallen angel

Sometimes I want to just be another fallen angel. Staying for my daughter. 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogVz-gMoncc&ab_channel=MassofMan

Hopes and dreams

 

Routines can be good too

 

Spontaneity is great but some routines are awesome too. I loved Friday nights. We had some favourite TV shows we would watch. That was our night. All work etc was put aside and we would sit together and watch our shows. I looked forward to our Friday and she did too, every single week. I feel a little lost on Fridays now.

All good things must come to an end I guess. Revel in the normal things, appreciate them too. You never know when that normal won’t happen anymore.

 

Words flying

 

Words flying around my head. Jumbled, I want to catch them, grab onto them turn them into something that makes sense.

Something in this world that has affected me. Has done for years. A name. Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow. An obscure name with a little known event. This girl was 13, a child, she was put in a hole and stoned to death in a stadium with 1,000 onlookers. Her crime was to be raped. She’s not the only one, so many more. There is so much wrong in this world.

So much greed, so much meanness. Why can’t we be kinder to each other? Why? Why this need to trample on others to better ourselves. Why the need to treat others as less?

I feel odd in this world, not normal, always felt out of place. Like an alien, I don’t belong here. Sometimes though I think it’s the wrong way around. I belong, it’s all the others who don’t.

Post tonight about sex, men putting their own pleasure first. Heard this so many times, I didn’t think it happened much, turns out it does, a lot. People thinking fucking a moist hole is all there is. So many walking around clueless as to the incredible journey of sex.

But I am the odd one.

25 years ago I ate the wrong piece of KFC chicken. Got poisoned. Wrecked my life. Never recovered the damage it did. Never thought about how I was putting my life in the hands of a greasy 16 year old kid who was under pressure and undercooked stuff. Just unlucky for me. Now I pay. Can’t prove a thing, everyone else carries on. Except me.

I’m tired. My soul is tired as well as my body.

Asshole around the corner, beats women, his partner left him, 2 weeks later he had another one. I haven’t even dated a woman in over a year.

Won’t stop being me though, I’ll be kind and lonely before I be an attached asshole.

Swirling thoughts. Words flying around in my head.

Aspie, with PTSD, too much shit happened at various times. No one knows it all, no one. I doubt anyone ever will. Some things are better locked away.

Still my thoughts fly in circles.

I stand, alone. Even in a sea of people. 

Goodnight Ronald

Well Ronald. Looks like your time has come. You have found a good place to go. Under the grape vine. It's getting cold. Night is falling. Good. It will help you ease off into your forever sleep. You are comfortable. No pain. I'm glad. Didn't want to take you to the vet. You get to go on your own terms. I don't know if you can hear me talk. But I will anyway, so you know I'm here. Not going to reach out. I want you to sleep. Make it easier. 

You never did take Pollis death well. You were her cat. Even though you sometimes sat with me watching tv. You charmed the nurses when polli had to have dressing changes climbing up on her before they started. Resting upside down. You knew you couldn't move while it was being done and you stayed there for 45 mins each time. 

Your breathing is a bit rapid. Occasional twitches. "It's ok Ronald" I'm telling him, "You can go".

My phone is going flat now. Needs charging. I have a blanket. I'll watch over Ronald a bit longer. 

last night's nightmare

Last night's nightmare was real weird. I'm in a shower not my own. I look down and my nut sack is melting off. I'm staring at it wondering what to do and hoping it's somehow just a layer while wondering how the hell I'm going to get home.

I don't get it

 I don't understand, the violent abusive asshole around the corner. His girlfriend left him finally. 2 weeks later he has someone new. 

Here I am, still very single. 

Weary

 I am weary.
Weary of this world with its meanness and brutality.
Weary of random violence towards others.
Weary of those who step on others to get ahead. 
Will humans ever learn?
Or will we be forced to endure this bullshit for all eternity?

Polli, her name was Polli

 

Polli. My late wife’s name was Polli. Her real name was Pauline, she hated it, said it felt like an ill-fitting hat. I am going to start calling her Polli instead of my wife. I am not married. I was, but no more. If I am to make room for someone else, then I need to do so. I am no longer married. I have no wife. It does not diminish those 16 years we had. I will go to my grave with nothing but the deepest of love for her. But space must be made if I wish for someone else.
I want to move forward.

There is some sadness in that. But I want to move forward. It’s time.

don't want to be strong.

hospitals and PTSD days

Had to get a CT scan at the hospital. Saw one of my wife's Drs on the way in. Was kind of ok until I left. Felt so down all day. Slept a bit. Managed pretty much nothing. Was exhausted. 

Wanted someone to talk to. To pick me up. Meh. I'm the healer. No one to heal me. 

Was asked to help others. Used my last bit of energy on them. 

Tired. It's too hot. Can't open window, party down the road. 

.

Don't want to carry on like this. 

It's just a job.

I spent 20 years working for a place. We did great things there. Helped a LOT of people, setup community initiatives. I made less than the going rate for my skills. It was ok. Worth it for the right job. We all made sacrifices to be there. Last year the person in charge retired. New person came, I saw the place change dramatically, a lot of people left. I held on. Took a reduction in my hours, I was there for the people I was helping. 

A couple of weeks ago I was dropped, as an independent contractor they were able to drop me without notice or reason, so they did. Today the new company, a nationwide chain took over and I had to hand the systems over. 

20 years, all that time, effort and sacrifice. I was sent off without even a thank you. 

A part of me is glad, it's turned into a toxic environment. But all that work. And now I have lost a massive chunk of my income and I am too sick to go hunting for more work right now. 

Out of respect for those who are stuck there still I will not be naming the place. 

But this sucks the big one. 

it's all gone

 

I’m sitting here realizing that everything I had accomplished 15 years ago is gone.

I thought I was set for life in my career, nope.

I thought my health while not great would still last me to retirement, nope.

I thought my marriage would last until I was elderly, nope.

I thought the house I was in at the time would be mine until I died, nope.

Still here though. Sick of being resilient. How about some good things happening.

 

 

It’s a bitter, sad, photo this one. I took it as I stepped out of the hospice after my wife died. I’m 47 years old. In all that time there has only ever been one woman who truly loved me with such depth. I’m not sure it will ever happen again. I have tried to love again. Trying to find that love again. It’s not easy. Yes, there have been attempts. The shit that goes through your mind when you try to pick up the pieces. People telling you how terrible you are for tying to find something again. I already felt it. First time I tried to have sex I almost puked from the guilt. Kept telling myself she was gone. It was ok. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I am too broken.

I’m kind of jealous, she’s free, free of pain, free of stress. She’s not up all night trying to figure out how to keep going as everything in your life gets more and more fucked up. I swear, this train is gonna wreck. There’s got to be a curve that I can’t take. Been close a few times.

If you ever find that right person hold on for all you have, do all that you know, try all that you don’t. Relish the moments. Not just the big things. Enjoy a picnic in a spring evening. Walk along a beach, have dinner in a shitty dive. Joke in the supermarket, pick up a cucumber and give her a look. Watch a movie at home. Join her in the shower. Perve as she climbs into bed. Take her to yard sales. Do it all, knowing that everything must end one day. Oh, and take photos. Because one day that’s all you will have left. 

fallen angel

life

My life is shit. I want to die. But I can't. 

Liked, not loved

 Liked by many. Intimately loved by none. Just an ideal. Nothing more.

Can I borrow you?

Can I borrow you for a few mins?

Sure.

I would take her into the bedroom, have her lay on the bed.

I would climb behind her, hold her close.

And for a little bit, the world was ok.

.

I miss this so much.

Not so brave

People tell me I'm brave and strong because my wife died. I'm going to dispute that. Circumstance happened to me and I held on. No bravery, because I was given no choice. I just read a piece written by a woman who pulled herself out of a violent relationship including some of the shit he did when she tried to get out and after she got out. That, that was bravery. 

I'm not a person with much hatred, but I wouldn't mind sitting down with a few assholes and having a few words. 

aspie

You won't understand, you can't understand. What it's like in our heads. It's so much I can't really explain it.

I listen to music, the silence, it's deafening. That high pitched whistle. Tinnitus. But there's the other things, a tap dripping, a pen clicks, a fan whirrs, oh how I hate fans. The music, it stops some of the sounds. 

The feel of things on my skin. Wool is the worst, it's like some sort of lava sandpaper. Denim, so unforgiving and rigid. It sits in hard pieces digging at me. 

Soft, gentle. Yes. 

My fingers. They need stimulation, they need to move, feel, touch. It helps my overloaded brain. Distraction. Slow it down.

My brain, oh my addled brain. It takes in so much. And it's all separate, my brain doesn't go car, my brain goes blue Toyota Camry with one headlight more translucent than the other. Then multiply that by all the cars. It's working hard to process everything, all the time. Too many things and it overloads. 

People. Ohhh, trying to talk. One person is ok. My mind will process, what is their face doing, are their hands moving. What are they saying, is there extra information I need to process because they used their hands, where do I look. Oh, facial expressions need to process those too. I need to reply soon. Keep it in your mind. Prepare an answer and have it ready so you sound normal. Is it going to sound acceptable? Must process all of it. I can keep up. Until there's another person and I have to double my efforts. 

I have to go out in all this and restrain myself. Look normal. Wear a kind of mask to fake being like you. It's so tiring keeping up the charade. 

But people know. They know, the mask slips sometimes. Some are mean. Different is bad. Aspie is an easy target. Feel power by being above another. Take down the easy one. Picked on for being not like you. How you revel in our discomfort. We hide, retreat. Then we get hated at work. Not a team player. First to get fired or looked over for promotion. 

Or we get pushed locking ourselves down more and more until we explode. Hopefully we make it home first. Older we get the more we can suppress it. 

We take drugs or drink alcohol. Oh we do so often. Our minds slow you see, we start to think clearly. Body's start to numb. Maybe even get close to your thinking. Nice to go there for a little. 

No, we don't long to be you. We want to be us. With our thoughts and feelings. Even if it's hard. 

And we want to be loved still. Oh to be loved. Sometimes they come and they love us. Beautiful souls. 

Tired

 I am so, damn, tired. Not just my health but that's a major part of it. Everything, everything feels like a battle, trying to work, trying to navigate humans, money, illness, being alone. I'm tired of doing nothing but battle. Please, let me rest. Let my soul rest, let my mind rest, let my body rest. 

Not going to happen though, is it?

Tired and alone

Somedays you feel it inside, you want to write the grandest of words, you want to create tears of  joy, speak of the deepest of sorrows, create the most carnal of lust. 

You stare at the keyboard. And all you see is "I'm tired and alone."

Fucked up life

Yesterday I was sitting in my yard cutting up weed to dry so I can have a measure of pain relief worried because one of the local gangs has been going through my back yard raiding properties of their weed and if Jack finds them they are likely to kill him, all while wondering how I'm going to be able to get enough energy to work because my credit cards are at $15,000 and climbing. 

And that's how fucked up my life is.

Pictures

 The more I happen upon pictures of my dead wife the more she looks like a stranger.

Why?

 Why in the fucking fuck of all that is fuck do I have all this shit happen? Come on? Can't I catch a break?

2 months of feeling like shit, pushing Drs over and over, finally get a scan to find that I need more scans to find the issue. More waiting while I can barely function. Months I expect because here you are nothing but a number, there for their convenience. 

My biggest client dumped me for another company, not surprised, new head honcho is a bitch. Hope it bites her in the ass. 

My best friend. The only close one I have is selling up and moving hours away. And today I find she has a new boyfriend. Fucking great. More alone. 

Fuck this life. Fuck this world. It's a lemon and I want my money back. 

Seriously. My life is a fucking piece of shit, all I do is get fucked the whole way through it. 

Ohhh looky, someone telling me my wife died because god needed her. Well then god is a fucking selfish  cunt! If you did god, then fuck you too!!!!

How's it going?

 Hey how's it going? 

Terrible, my health is failing, the depression is hitting me hard from the exhaustion. 

I'm sorry, hey, I have this problem with my computer.......

1am and friendzones

1am. I should be asleep.

Got planted firmly in the friendzone tonight. Pity, she seemed so nice. She did it kindly. I knew it was coming. Already worked out the logistics, it wasn't going to happen. I'm used to it, but, well. That teeny spark of hope. It gets that little more dimmer. 

 Facebook wouldn't allow me to post this. Apparently it violates community standards. Seriously, fuck you facebook. You really are a faceless corporation with literally zero empathy.

 

Earth is a special hell.

 

Why are you single.

 

Why am I single? Why? Let me tell you. 

I am good, I am everything you read.

But you don’t see the rest. You don’t see what’s going on inside.

You didn’t see me almost having a panic attack because I had to buy fuel that wasn’t at my favourite place.

You didn’t see me upset because I can’t get the pants I like anymore and it’s the only type I wear.

You don’t see me trying to make myself go to the cheap supermarket because my income is disappearing. I’ll do it soon, really I will. Its just my one is more comfortable.

You don’t see me sitting in the parking lot before giving up and going home. I couldn’t go in today.

You don’t see me hiding in my bed for an afternoon mindlessly scrolling facebook because the world is too loud.

You don’t see me awake at 3am trying to figure out how to keep my broken family going. Me n my daughter.

I want to be like you, I want to me normal. I want to I want to. But I’m not.

I will never turn it on you, that will never happen. Ever. But me. I’ll turn on me in a second. Just like so many others have done to me.

I wish someone would turn up, I wish she would break down my walls. I wish she would allow me to be me until I heal me. I wish she would stay and hold on. I can be better, I can, I was.

For now I am a broken person in a broken world.

Buried alive in a hole I dug myself. I’m trying to get out, trying and trying but its deep and sometimes I slip, then I have to climb again and my hands are bleeding.

 

Release from a narcissist.

 

We were sitting together one night having a beer. She took a gulp, put the beer down and a teeny burp escaped. I looked at her and grinned. She looked back, mortified. “I’m so sorry” she stammered. “Ugh” I thought, “her asshole narc ex.” I kept smiling, “that was so freaking adorable.” “Now this”, I said and chugged half a bottle before ripping a larger burp “is a real burp.” She looked slightly stunned for a second. “Sorry, it’s just he would tell me off for anything that was not becoming.”

She burped again, just a little bit. I grinned at her. She smiled back, feeling just that little more free of him. Just a small step to her being her.

Harsh times bring on harsher times

 Well, it's a shit show right now. I knew my biggest client was going to drop me but I hoped, you know? Hoped it wouldn't happen. So there goes 1/3rd of my income. That's after I lost half of it a few years ago. I don't even earn minimum wage anymore. All I have to show for it is $12,000 in credit card debt. No longer the celebrated top IT person in the country. 

My health is shit. It's getting worse. I can only do a few hours work before needing to stop. I'm trying to get hospitals etc to listen. But I'm just a number, a simple statistic. So I go on to the waiting list and hope I live long enough to attend their appointments. 

And now, someone has turned up. Dear reader, she's kind, intelligent, caring and I'm going to say it. Real pretty too. Logical me kicks in, sees the logistics. She's stuck there, I am stuck here. Close, but not close enough. 

Fuck you life. Give me a break. Come on. 

I know, It's always darkest right before the dawn n shit. But fuck me. This is just too much. 

Gotta stay, for my daughter. 

Drunk Ramblings pt3

 

I sit at a blank screen, blink, blink flashes the cursor. What to say? What to say?

47 years, feels more like thousands of years. They call me an old soul. I feel it some days.

You gotta hurt, hurt to learn. I don’t know why. But its true. If you grew up fortunate you don’t know. You don’t know what it is to be dragged through the mud. You simply can’t relate.

You can have sympathy. But you don’t have empathy. Not until you have been burned. Not until you have been at the bottom, begging the universe to just kill you.

You think you know me. You don’t. None of you do. Not even my family. I’ve seen things, experienced things. Helped people. Ones you have no idea about.

I am me. No more no less. I’m no hero. Just an ordinary human who never got the hang of being ordinary. My mind is a mess, helps me see the world differently. Good and bad that one.

Kindness. World needs it so badly but it can’t happen. Too much fear. Gotta be tough or get broken.

We know the world is wrong. It’s why we have our things to get through. Alcohol, drugs, pills, buying shit. Sex (oh I miss that one) We know its all a mess, powerless to stop it.

It’s gonna get worse. Economy is a trainwreck about to unfold. Theres coming a point where its going to hit. Many casualties. People don’t know. Too busy hiding in fear, unable to see it. Good. Distraction. Easier.

Alone. Not a fan. Won’t compromise. Refuse. No putting up with shit. Modern Gentleman knows, I aint much to look at, but I bring good things to the table, even if I am a mess.

What is the modern gentleman? Here to show people. Mainly women. There is good. If they see it then they know. Less putting up with shit. If they all refuse to put up with shit then shit will have to change.

 

Hurting people

 

Yeah, I’ve hurt people. I never like doing it but sometimes in life that’s how it goes. Sometimes you get in a corner and there’s no choice. Sometimes you gotta do it for a promise, sometimes wrongs have to be righted.

I had to stop them. I had to try. My wife wasn’t the first one they had killed. I never knew that at first. No one told me that when I started down that track. My wife made me promise. “If I don’t make it through this, don’t you walk away. You don’t walk away, you stay, and you fight them for what they did to me.” My last promise to her. I’m nothing amazing and I am a total pacifist, but a promise is a promise.

So I gave myself 2 weeks and then I started down the path. I tore myself to pieces. Recounting in detail everything they did that lead to her death. 6 pages. 6 terrible wrenching pages. Some saw what it was doing to me and told me to stop. No, a promise is a promise. No retreat.

“I’m on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell” goes the song. I played it over and over. “Arms wide open I stand alone, I’m no hero and I’m not made of stone.”

They tried, they tried to stop me. They even bought in my therapist to get info from her. Nope, didn’t tell her shit. I know how to walk alone. Done it for so much of my life.

They called me after they got that letter. I could tell the woman had been crying. Good, it made it’s point. She apologised, then I knew it was right, because there’s no way she was allowed to apologise. Wrong side of heaven. Don’t care. Sometimes the Gentleman must be a warrior. Yes Kenny Rogers, Sometimes you’ve gotta fight when you’re a man.

They offered me a meeting. With 2 people not involved in her care. Nope. No. I was taking this all the way, seeing it through. I told them I wanted them all there, all those involved in her care. I am a quiet, autistic, introvert. Didn’t care. I’m no hero. But there comes a time when you must stand. If it was for me I may have folded. But no one does that to mine. So I walked in and faced 10 heads of department and surgeons. I found out later that they think these meetings are a bit of a joke. The person yells a bit, cries and then leaves. No, nope. Not me.

They had one last thing up their sleeve. Almost got me. They were all there waiting for me. Made me sit in that room after they were all comfortable already. Then they told me I was running the meeting. Bastards. Nope. Fuck ‘em. I was prepared anyways. So I simply started talking. I never yelled, never go mad, sure as hell didn’t cry. Over the next 2 hours I carefully slowly, factually tore them to pieces. Was I trying to hurt them? I sure was. With no one else to worry about I didn’t give a shit anymore. I was going for it. I knew I was impacting them when one of the surgeons broke down and started crying.

I couldn’t help my wife. But I managed to make some points. Most people will never know, don’t care, it wasn’t about ego. I have saved lives with some of the changes. Some they refused. But I made a difference. She didn’t die for nothing. And I kept my promise.

Did I damage myself? Yeah. That was mental torture. I faced it pretty much alone. No friends, they would not have coped and I had to focus, couldn’t be pulling them along.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

One day, maybe one day I will get to love again, love like that. I hope so. I hope I never have to go through that end ever again. But you can bet, if I have to, I will. Song just came on, turn the page

I shall remain, The Modern Gentleman.

alone

Feeling very lonely this morning. Maybe it's the fatigue. Working hard, feel like shit, and the straps on my CPAP aren't working right so I'm short of sleep too.

nightmare

 Last nights nightmare. I had left my car parked on the side of the road. When I returned it wasn't where I thought I left it. Dude said he had, had it towed. I didn't believe him because there was no legal grounds for it to be towed and he couldn't tell me who the towing company was, he gave me a street but there's no towing company on that street. So I went searching for my car thinking I had forgotten where it was. No sign of it so I'm thinking maybe it did get towed. I pull out my phone to start searching for a towing company in that area and to call them and my phone was broken, very, very broken, a massive hole right in the middle. 

Going to bed

 

It’s getting on, I shower and climb into bed, I can hear her in the shower getting ready for bed too. She wanders into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. “ooh, can I borrow your towel?” I ask with a grin. She gives me a look. “Hey, a guy has to try, it’s not my fault you have a great ass,” I respond to her gaze. She does a small eye roll but there’s a grin there. “Roll over,” she says, “so you can’t peek”. “You know, I have seen your naked body thousands of times,” I grumble as I look away. “Yeah but you know I hate you watching as I climb into bed” I feel her climb in and I roll back over.  “It’s a bit chilly” she says. “I know, now I get to snuggle you with all my warmness.” I roll over and wrap myself around her. “ooh you are warm” she coos. “I know, my hands are warm too, just right for your tushy!” I say smiling. I nudge her to roll on her side and my hands find their mark. “Did I mention you have a fine ass today?” I ask. “Yes, I believe you did once or twice” she said with a smile. “Oh good, just checking.”

It never got old.

lost cause

Sometimes you go looking for salvation at the bottom of a bottle. You know it's not there, but at least you can escape for a little. Just some respite from your screaming mind and the pain your body has to endure.

Walk away, leave me here to drown.

Depressive episodes

 I'm a few days into a depressive episode, doing nothing but the bare minimum. Sleep a lot. 

No one has noticed. 

Shitty dreams

 Last nights nightmare was heartbreak. 

I dreamed my wife didn't die. She decided to leave me. Fresh heart break. I woke up and still hurt. 

Isn't it interesting how it's our heart that hurts in these times. 

Been down all day. 

I tie my shoelaces wrong.

 

I tie my shoelaces wrong.

I have been told by many people the way I tie my shoelaces is odd. Some have tried to show me the “right” way to do it. I’m not changing. It’s how my mother showed me to do it. A little fragment of her lives on in that moment. Yesterday I drove past the place she was killed, 20 years ago. As always I slowed a little, acknowledged the place as I always do.
Sometimes Facebook memories show me parts of my life with my late wife. Some of its fun, nice, some of its harsh and brutal, her death was a terrible way to go. Fragments will remain with me for the rest of my life, good and bad.
I can wander through the house and there are reminders of people, the paintings done by my grandfather. A small marker pen drawing on my porch that I refused to paint over done by someone I am close to even though we don’t talk often.
A few days ago something from my facebook memories came up about my wife. It wasn’t a good reminder and I commented on it. I was told by someone it was time to move forward over her death. The thing is all those past experiences are what bought me up to where I am now. Both good and bad. It’s not about letting go or moving forward. It’s about acknowledging our pasts and building on them. Did I love my mother? Absolutely. Did I love my wife? Totally. I accept their deaths, I acknowledge they are gone and they aren’t coming back. But I refuse to block everything they did, everything they were and every effect everyone who has been in my life has had on me, everyone who has been in my life is a part of who I am.