Accepting single. No longer looking.

A few days ago on one of the singles facebook pages I was on there was a big drama. There are often dramas on those pages. Anyway, I realized how much easier my life has been lately. I can just be me without compromise. So I removed myself from all of those pages and deleted tinder. This Modern Gentleman is starting to think that maybe alone is better. I had my time with someone, it's done, it's over. I'll simply have peace instead. Living life for me.

Life and death

I hope you don't take this as a poor me post. Do not feel sad. This life has been quite a journey with ups and downs. Sometimes we need those downs to understand things.
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It's a funny old thing life. You live it day to day, often just trying to make it through to another day, another, week, another month. Sometimes you get a wee reminder that one day it's going to be no more.
I'm sitting here, showing symptoms of Covid 19. I am sick, it's not an infection. Slim chance I have it but I have to wait 2 days to find out. Makes a guy think.
46 years. Some of it went in the blink of an eye. Some of it dragged to feel like 4 lifetimes already. I have seen too much, hurt too much and said final farewells to too many people.
It's been hard a lot of the time. So many wrongs and unfairness. There are some bad people in this world. And they simply get away with being bad. Just because someone is bad doesn't mean being good will cancel them out. There's an unfortunate truth. People have done such nasty things to me. I'm not going to talk about that now.
Then there is my heath. I try not to talk about it too much. I am an open book, but why burden others with it, few want to know anyways. I live every day in constant physical pain. In some ways you kind of get used to it. But it's always there, gnawing at you.
I am tired. Tired of all the bad stuff. Tired of mean people, and tired of my pain. I get the lesson though. All the terrible things. It's given me empathy and understanding. I hear peoples stories. I do not judge. I get it. I understand. Not from compassion. But from Empathy. Two different things.
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I have loved and been loved. Now there is what makes it worth it, for me. I raise a glass to those few who I have had an intimate connection with. Not just my wife. To the others as well.
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There's also all those moments. You know? A simple picnic with family, and butterflies ( I know, tough guy) I love those little buggers, so colorful and they are too light so they cant really fly straight. Just going around doing their thing. Road trips to places. And, I'm going to admit it. Hugs. I miss those a lot. Walking in nature, good food, something funny. So many little things.
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Have I lived a full life? Yeah, I think so. Done all sorts of weird and crazy things. Regrets? Not many. I would have liked to have had one last long term relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe not.
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If you are lucky enough to be in a good relationship right now. Do me a favor. Go give your significant other a big hug. One day, they aren't going to be there for that any more. Or you wont be. There is a harsh truth. One day it's going to end.
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If you don't have one. I hope you find love one day. The right love.
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Life is shorter than you think.
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hospital

So I had to take myself up to the hospital tonight. It was full so they stuck me in the Transit area, that's where they put the patients going home. First woman was elderly. She's terminal and doesn't have long to go. She's wishing she can visit her grand children. But right now she can't. Not with the country in lockdown. She's not sure she ever will hug them again. 

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Second woman. A lot younger. Scarring all over her arms. She seems so kind. Such a nice person. There's some demons in her.  

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I wish I could help. You know? Bring some joy to them. But it was not my place. Apart from a smile and a few friendly words. 

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This modern gentleman wants to help. But I can't, not like that. So, here is my Facebook page instead. I have made it to show people they can be treated right. Not just can. They should. You all have the right not to be treated like shit.

a change in my mind

Something has changed in me. Sure I miss my late wife. And I still have fond memories, of course I do. I spent half my life with her. But, I have noticed lately. An.... acceptance. It's not quite the right word, but it's close enough. It's difficult to explain right. Yeah, there are triggers and things. But I accept that she's gone. That is a period in my life that is complete. It is no more, and, I'm ok with that. It feels odd, it's difficult to explain. But I feel ok that she's gone. That does not diminish what we had either, but I feel ok. 

I got to stop

Everyone hating this lockdown. For the first time in many, many years I have been able to stop. No guilt. Just be still. It's allowed me to catch up with myself. To recover from life. I have been given enough money to get by, I have my home. I can simply rest. It's like I can actually heal a bit. 

I'm sorry to those having a difficult time. But for me. This is a peace I have not had in a long, long time. 

I am thankful. 

companionship

I look at my daughter sleeping, holding her stuffed toy.
Humans are hard wired for companionship.
When ever I see someone saying that they will never want anyone, it makes me sad.
I am sad because the only reason they say that is because someone else broke them.
It had to be something harsh, brutal to get in and wreck them so badly that it broke their core beliefs.

Corona virus

Our country has been locked down. Most of the world has been.

Businesses are going bust. More will soon too. The country is going to isolate itself for a long time. Tourism is going to go. 

The world has changed. 

I have virtually no income. I don't know when I will have much. No time soon. The schools will be closed for a long time. 

Best not to think too hard about it. 

copping abuse

So, I posted something I found on my blog, it was about men carrying everyone with no outlet themselves. 

I got a lot of abuse for it. One of them was my best friend. She tore strips off me. Ironic really, kind of proved my point. 

I don't like this world.

a story

We were in a bookstore and I saw a book from my childhood. I hadn't seen it in years. I picked it up and read it to her. It was only short. I put the book down and she was staring at me. "No one has read to me in years" she said. 

Guys, read her a story. She will love it. 

Down today

Some days you feel like a million bucks, totally unstoppable. Then the next morning you wake up and you just don't want to do this life thing anymore.
I didn't used to be like this. Not this bad anyways. I don't want to be like this. To feel like this. But this is my reality.

Circles, dancing

Whats going on?

Women dancing around me. Coming in close and then dancing away again.

Can't get near any of them. All overseas. But still, they dance close and then away again.
It's like the universe just wants to torment me. Keeping that which I crave just out of my reach.

Why must you torment me so?

Another came so close, now shes moving away, to be replaced by another.

None of them stay. They never do.