What am I supposed to be

Nice guys who are sweet apparently want to trap a woman.

Guys who aren't sweet are assholes.

Sometimes in life you just can't win.

Fuck knows.

Be yourself? Don't do it

"Be yourself". We hear it all the time. It's a lie. Don't do it. Being yourself just serves to upset people because you aren't what they wanted.

When they say be yourself or I want to see the real you what they mean is be more like I want you to be.

So go out there and fake it if you want to make it. Successful people are all fake. We know it but still love them.

Holding it in.

Feel like I'm holding in a lot of pain lately. It wants to come out.

I won't let it. Drive it down. Lock it away. That's what real men do.

Stupid dreams

I'm plagued by bad dreams. They won't go away.


Last night I'm trying to find a stamp (like put it on paper and push it down, ink transfers) that Polli left in the hospital. I'm in the room she was in at the hospital desperately trying to find this stamp. There's others there but not the one I want. The frustration builds, I have been looking and looking and its not there.
In the end I can't take it anymore, I fall to the floor and break down.

Sounds ridiculous now. But I'm recounting this and feeling like I want to fall apart.

I think I'm just frustrated with my life.

And tired. I'm so tired.

I'm still here

So here I am.

I'm getting my gardens back in order,
I'm tidying myself up in appearance.
I'm keeping the house maintained at a useable level (housework)

I'm managing this despite my continued want to give up.
I'm wading through the hurt, the pain. It hasn't gone away. I'm just walking with it hanging off me. Refusing to stop, even though I desperately want to.

Then some judgmental twat tells me I'm not getting the message and moving on.

Fuck her.

Monday

Monday.

Before me lays yet another week of drudgery.

Another week of me arguing with my daughter to get out of bed.

Another week of work.

Another week of housework.

Another week of depression.

Another week of debilitating fatigue.

Another week of existing.

Health

I think theirs an abscess forming in my upper jaw somewhere. The throbbing suggests it. It's not teeth because theirs nothing there.

My blood pressure is high.

I work to keep both at manageable levels. Sometimes I am tempted to stop managing it.



Instead I foolishly live in hope that things will somehow become better. Along with my stupid sense of honour and keeping my promise to look after Sophia.

Not a catch

I had hoped maybe I would be a catch. Someone might see I was a nice guy and everything.



I'm not.

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm moody.
I'm depressed.
I'm scruffy.
I'm sick.

I bring destruction.

Maybe its best if I walk alone.

People around me get hurt.

Something is wrong. People I work with. People I am close to. They either die or their lives get messed up.

Sharon. Brain aneurism
Jill. Lung cancer
Annette. Breast cancer
Felicity. Pneumonia

All had the office beside mine. Sharon survived. The effects are devistating and life long.

My sister. Multiple sclerosis
My father cancer.
My mother car crash
My wife cancer.
My best friend burst aorta.

So many.

I need to stay away from people.

Bed time

It's going to bed and spending the night on my own that hurts the most.

One more day

I don't want to do life any more.

Just sitting here. Being nothing, doing nothing.

Tried to work. Can't focus.

Alone. I'm alone. Isolated. Nothing more than some empty there there's from facebook. Not that I can talk. Its all I would do for others too.

We are all fucked up. All of us.

Over stressed.

Heart feels like its trying to pump rubbish.

Right arm feels weird.

Blood pressure this afternoon was 173/117

Meh. Que Sera Sera.

Trying to work

Its mid day. I haven't done anything.

I need to. Work is piling up.

All I'm doing is sitting here. Existing.

I'm tired. Tired of life. Tired of being alone. Tired of being in pain. Tired of being tired. Tired of the nightmares that infiltrate my dreams at the moment.

Presentation

Tomorrow I have a presentation / professional development to do.

I have no idea how I will cope. Just gotta hide the pain for a few hrs. And that's not easy right now.

I should prepare for it but I'm not going to. I'll wing it.

The big lie

I want to believe that Justice is real. That it exists. I want the people who killed my wife to be accountable for their actions. I want an apology.

But Justice. Mercy. Compassion. They are all lies. I know this. I just don't want to accept it.

I wanted to release the complaint to the hospital out to pollis friends. I want people to see it. To know what really happened. I'm frustrated. And I'm still hurting. Hurting so badly.

I want the pain to stop. My heart's hurting again.

I want it back

I want my life back. I want to have a reason to live. Not just to exist. I want to love and to be loved.

Is that so much to ask?

I can't have my wife but can't I have someone? Please?

Distraction tactics

So today I was heading down into a bad place so I distracted myself and bought a new phone. Yay credit cards.

It's mainly worked. I still feel like shit but I'm also busy.

Still wishing I could be here in bed holding a woman in my arms.

Facebook

I need to take a break from facebook. As much as I need company right now facebook is just soul sucking.

I wonder how long I can stay away from it.

The anniversary looms

So the 12 month anniversary of my wife's death is in less than a week. I didn't want to face it alone. I hoped maybe there would be someone special in my life.

It looks like this is not to be.

Once more I stand alone at the gates of hell.

Update. It just hit me. The loneliness the shit paralyzing year I have had.  I'm sitting outside. It's windy.  Not very pleasent and keeps trying to rain. But there's darkness. Huh. Hello darkness my old friend.

I shouldn't have started taking he hawthorn. By the time they figured out what was going on my organs would have shut down. Not a pleasent way to go probably but it would have been done.

Love

I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I want to wake up in the morning and hug the beautiful woman beside me.

Man was not born to cry alone.

Pain

I have drunk a couple of cans of blue v this week. It messes me up but I am addicted to it.  Because when I drink it, for half an hour the pain goes.

I live in constant pain. My joints. My back. Permanent headache. It's all gone for that 30 mins.

Shit I'm a messed up person. No wonder the women are staying away in droves.

Laying in bed thoughts

My blood pressure is going nuts. Won't be long before the blood noses starts again.

I'm laying there thinking about what would happen if it got really bad this time. What if I really did die. My one regret would be leaving my daughter to her own devices.

But I was not afraid to die.

Shower thoughts

Standing in the shower realising that the one person who really wanted to spend their life with you is gone and you can never get that back. 

It's a change I never wanted.

CFS, Stress and fatigue. The perfect storm

I feel like shit. I'm so tired and stressed. My blood pressure is through the roof. Its bordering on stage 3, (Stage 4 is crisis). 

I want to sleep. I want to stop. I just don't want to be for a week.

Get up! Get up! Bills to pay. Work to be done. House to clean. Go! Go! Go!

I bought Hawthorn today to try and control the blood pressure a bit. Part of me doesn't want to take it. I asked my friend (was the girlfriend) to talk me into taking it but shes busy tonight.

If I didn't have my daughter I could die. I'm sick of the pain. The grief. Feeling like shit. I want to die but I can't.

Company.

I spent the past 2 days helping my now friend zoned ex girlfriend. She came for dinner and for the evening. I asked her to stay the night. She turned me down. I may have been able to talk her into it if I pressed a little harder but I no longer attempt to manipulate others in that way. So I stood back and let her go.

Back to feeling lonely.

Still don't really want to live. Not that I live anymore. I simply exist.

Weird dreams

So last night I dreamed my late wife came into my bedroom and said "I'm back"! I said "no you aren't you are dead" she said "I'm not, I'm right here". I'm thinking that she lay in a coffin for 3 days after I saw her die. Then she climbed into bed. I was going to protest but I felt so needing of company. Any company that I didn't argue.

Didn't get a hug. I woke up before any contact.

I hate my psyche sometimes. Ok most of the time.

Suicide prevention day

So apparently it's suicide prevention day. Where people with depression are encouraged to open up. What a fucking joke. Opening up and saying how you feel in this country means you get ostracized which makes it worse.

Keep it in and keep it down.

Solitude

Making changes I don't want to make.

So yesterday I took my wifes name off my insurance.

Today I erased her phone.

Stupid little things. They hurt to do. It's been almost a year and the pain is still very raw at times. I had to make sure the photos were backed up into her account first. Some of them showed her cancer progression in its early stages. They hurt too.

No one to talk to about it. Feel alone.

Think I'll go hide in bed for a bit.

On this day by facebook

So facebook does an on this day so you can see what you were saying and thinking a year ago or two years or more.

But now it's showing me the stages of my wife dying. And I'm having to relive it over again. I tried to turn it off but it keeps coming back. I want it to stop. Please? Please make it stop. No more.

Full moon.

So it was a full moon. I sat outside and asked the moon if I could have some good things come my way, and it started to rain.

So I asked if I could at least find love, and clouds covered the moon so I could no longer see it.