Sometimes I
get frustrated with my mind. I know things are in there that just won’t come
out.
I guess a
lifetime spent being told I was too stupid to write. It ingrains into you. Be
careful what you project onto kids, it gets stuck in their minds, can’t get
out. Sometimes I used to sit, willing words to come out, there was nothing. Sometimes
theres blocks, even now.
I’m sitting
here talking shit, trying to get things to flow. Not working.
This morning I was sent a link to a TED talk, I was listening to it, not that closely until it got to one piece, I stopped it, went back and listened to it intently, then one more time. I’m sitting here going yes, yes, this, but wondering how I explain it. The harshest criticism in my life has come from women, I am the protector, I know this and would always step up when the time comes. But men get tired too, and when we falter, it’s not so easy. I have been yelled at for being sick. I have been laughed at for being depressed. Men are expected to be unwavering and we are pushed into never faltering. Go, go, go. Be everything, never be weak. Push ourselves until there is nothing left, then get up and push some more. Until we can’t. And then we die, because we can’t take the shame of failing.
Brené Browns Listening to shame TED talk:
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
It’s been a
hard few days dear reader. My health has taken a bit of a nose dive and it’s
proving difficult to get it sorted. Theres a number of stressors that aren’t helping
either. Yesterday I had to head for the hospital for a blood test. There is only
one in the area, the one where they killed my wife. Sometimes I’m fine going in
there. Other times, not so fine. Its difficult because sometimes I have to walk
past the people who killed my wife. They don’t even know who I am.
The wait
was an hour in a packed room. I had to sit there sucking it up, the only
unmasked person in amongst 20 masked, I could feel the glares, saw the stares.
I don’t know, it just got to me yesterday.
Then I had
to act normal for the rest of the day when all I wanted to do was hide. Work
had to be done, messages answered. But I’m a man, I have to suck it up. Pretend
I was ok when I wasn’t. Almost posted twice on Modern Gentleman but deleted it
soon afterward.
I’ll
probably delete this soon too.
I survived
another day.
Maybe one
day I will live another day.
But today I
survived.
I sat in a
hospital waiting room, the same hospital with the Drs who killed my wife.
Hoping I
wouldn’t have to see or walk past one of the Drs who killed her.
I sat in
that room with about 20 others all wearing masks, I wasn’t, I had my exemption
at the ready, no one asked, but I felt their glares.
And I sat,
for almost an hour until they called my name.
By then I
was dehydrated. They put the needle in and fished around, no blood.
Thankfully
I had a vein in the other arm that was still good.
Sometimes I’m
ok in that place, other times. Not so.
Of course
no one knew, I’ll stand in the face of adversity and smile, never show weakness
to them.
Was a
difficult day to be alive after that. Triggers are hard to shake off. Moreso when I am sick.
But here I
am.
I survived
another day.
Maybe one
day I will live another day.
I think I should attempt to answer an unanswerable question. Partly because I'm having a PTSD induced time right now and I'm having a work avoidance moment because of it.
I have seen the question before, people who have been in shitty relationships for 20 or more years saying its been over a year, when will I move past it.
OK, first, some parts of trauma stay with us for the rest of our lives but the question I think that is really being asked is what is the average time before you lift your head up, and really start to move forward. It's sure different for everyone but I would say, a lot of the time its 5 years. I'm not saying you will be feeling great in 5 years, this is a point where the healing has got to a stage where you feel like you can step back into the world.
So if it's been a year or 2 years and you are still feeling like shit, thats ok, it's normal.
.
Fuck, why am I even posting this? Reality is I'm in a PTSD meltdown over something minor and its been 6 years.
I'm a big fucking mess some days.