Too connected.

I wanted to sit and write tonight. 

6 people messaging me, all expecting me to talk to them. 

And when I don't answer they get upset. 

Sometimes I hate this overly connected world. 

Broken

 

If you ever wonder if I am so strong that I cannot be broken.

You don’t know.

I already did.

 

Pulled in 2 directions

 

Starting is the hardest part. Trying to get the words to flow. And they are there, wanting to come out.

And my brain is screaming over and around with so many things. All wanting to come out while being out of reach at the same time.

So tonight I’m opening this document and typing shit to see where it goes.

Ping, ping, people wanting to talk. We live in a world that’s so loud, it’s unrelenting.

But the world is so disconnected. We need to talk more, but I don’t want to talk. Around and around it goes, so connected and yet so lonely. The pull in 2 directions and I cant stand it.

I need quiet but I cant stand it. That fucking fan behind me. I need to stop for a second, find music to drown the damn thing out.

So now I add noise.

I guess that’s me all over. Pulled in all directions.

I wonder why I bother writing these things, do I want to be recognized? When all I want is to be left alone? That’s so lonely though.

Fuck. I don’t know. This is going nowhere. File it and start again.

Parks and phones

 

Sometimes on a nice summer day I would sneak out of work and take my daughter to a park to play.

Her mom was dead so it was on me to take her to those places. She would run around having a good time and I would sit and answer emails on my phone because I was technically still at work.

I saw all the others judging me. “Playing” with my phone instead of her.

She got out and had fun, I was working. Sometimes we aren’t assholes, we are just doing what we have to do.