It gets taken from me

Today should have been a good day. Promises of a picnic, hugs, love. A movie. Then someone to share my bed. Sex is out which I hate but at least there's comfort, touch. Just a short spell where I can pretend things are right.


She cancels. Needs to stay home. Doesn't trust herself, needs to get things done.

I held myself together for days thinking of this night. It never happened.


Had to go to the supermarket. Saw the head of the hospital there. I'm sure she has no idea who Polli was. I doubt she cares.

Bumped into my crazy ex neighbours. Nice enough people but they are nuts. The girl had cancer but shes fine now. Nice for them. I felt a touch of envy.

It all hit me after the supermarket. Just couldn't take it any more. I'm still sick and that's not helping.

I'm tired, depressed and alone. Again.

I tried saying I was having a hard time on facebook. Maybe people would reach out. No one did. Of course. Still trying to learn that one. Dear me, No one gives a fuck about the bad times. Please remember that in future.

I went out to talk to the night.
I asked why? Why is it that every little thing that's good, even the fleeting moments gets taken away from me. And why do I have to have reminders of the few things I had that I have lost. Why do I get them rubbed into my face? Why am I taunted so?


But of course there was no answer.


Sick of living this life. Sick of the emotional and physical pain. Sick of it all.

Sudden Lonliness

Just want a hug. For no reason.

I'm still sick but I have to work. Its not easy pushing through the fuzzyness. But I have to. No sick leave and I have lost almost a week.

I stopped taking the St Johns wort as an antidepressant. Turns out it was giving me nightmares.


We shall see if I can keep the depression away without it.

Im sick.

I have an abcess. It's poisoning my blood. Weakening me. Now I also have the flu. Making it doubly worse.

Then my PTSD gets triggered.

Life is so cruel. Why. Why must I face this over and over?

I thought I was adjusting to this feeling of being alone. Right now it's hurting. Hurting a lot.

I'm a good person. I help so many others in need. Why does all this shit have to get thrown at me. And why must I do it alone?

Here comes another wave

I'm sick, my daughters sick. I'm tired and I'm broke.

One of the few people I could talk to has decided its time I stopped being negative. Shes probably right but now I have no one to talk to when I get low. 

I feel so alone tonight.

Empty rooms. Empty chairs at empty tables. Empty soul, Broken heart.

Only Parent Issues

So, My daughters regular carer is having 2 weeks off.

Shes just come back from her friends place where she could have stayed a few nights.
Her other friend is out of town. Although they would only have coped for a couple hrs for 1 day.

The person I had lined up and prepaid has bailed on me.

The only other person will want quite a bit of money and I'm plain out. I haven't been paid in weeks and I'm down to credit cards.

I'm a bit fucked.

Trolls

So some random ass on facebook starts commenting on how my late wife was fat and thats why she died. He goes through a number of my posts and comments on them.


Humans suck sometimes.


Update: I complained to facebook but they felt it was ok and did nothing about it.

Friday night

Friday nights were the best. That's when my wife and I would watch tv together. Just a nice quiet evening together.

Then on Saturday we would spend the day hanging out. Go to a market, just muck around home whatever.

I miss her a lot. Especially on Friday night and Saturday :(


Hate feeling alone like this. When will it pass?

Triggers

When do I stop being triggered? Talked about having to write the letter to the hospital tonight.

Now I feel like shit and alone.