Darkness

 

almost 4 years

Monday will mark 4 years since my wife died. It's hitting me hard today. I wish I didn't have to face those times alone. Then I feel guilt over wanting someone else. I know it's not the case, and I keep telling myself she's dead and not coming back. But It's hard, feels a bit like I'm cheating on her. 

Sometimes I am ok with being alone, I'm not entirely sure I am relationship material anymore, maybe I am too broken now. A few attempts have not gone well.

Hopes n dreams

 "It's all gods plan" or "god doesn't give anymore than you can take" has to be the two shittiest fucking things people can say, next one to give me either of those is going to wear a full aspie meltdown from me and are going to be told to get fucked in no uncertain terms. 

My mother is dead, my wife is dead, my sister has a big tumor in her head, my father has cancer. My company is going bust and I am fucked if I know what I am gonna do about that. My back is getting worse, I'm in pain, all the time, the only time I cant feel it is when I am drunk. It always seems like the more I go down the more people want to fuck me over. At one point shit got so bad when my first house was taken from me the stress was so much on my wife we lost our son. Christmas day. Fucking great day that one (sarcasm).

Sure, I could turn into a nasty piece of shit and people would go "well, he's had it pretty hard" but I won't, every day I am going to pick myself up and be me. If I have to drag myself through this fetid sewer called life I will. 

What I do is I dream. I dream that someday, somehow, things will get better. Statistically speaking if I keep going then somewhere something good has to happen. If you flip a coin it can only come up tails so many times before it changes and you get heads. 

I hope that someday, somehow someone is going to go, wow! Hes a good guy. He's been through some shit and yet he's still, a good person. I'm going to show him some real love. 

Sometimes

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was to run out of money.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was like to talk a woman out of suicide because their partner held them down and punched them in the face in front of their kids. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not having held your partner who was crying, dying in pain, and the pills just aren't cutting it tonight.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Being able to turn a blind eye to those in poverty in our community, instead of working with them like I do. "Because they are there by choice"

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was better because I never turned to illegal drugs because I didn't have the money for the legal ones. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking there was no meth epidemic, it's just a few bad apples. Not knowing the pain that pushed them there. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was above women who sold their bodies to try and make rent.

Actually, you know what? I'm glad I'm not like you. Sure, I lack your privilege, but at least I have reality and not your delusions. 

I remain, The Modern Gentleman. 

Single

 I give. I'm single. I'm accepting it. Not interested in a relationship anymore. It's easier this way. Less hurt. 

Depression is a leading cause of disability

Read this and let it sink in..... 

"Depression is a common mental disorder affecting more than 264 million people worldwide. It is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities.  It can also disturb sleep and appetite; tiredness and poor concentration are common. Depression is a leading cause of disability around the world and contributes greatly to the global burden of disease. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life.

The causes of depression include complex interactions between social, psychological and biological factors. Life events such as childhood adversity, loss and unemployment contribute to and may catalyse the development of depression.

Psychological and pharmacological treatments exist for moderate and severe depression. However, in low- and middle-income countries, treatment and support services for depression are often absent or underdeveloped. An estimated 76–85% of people suffering from mental disorders in these countries lack access to the treatment they need. "

That was from the World Health Organization.

Depression is leading cause of disability. A leading cause. This world is messed up. It's wrong. We all know it. But all that happens is we get fed more and more fear. The economy, wars, overloaded in our jobs. It's been going on for generations. I have very few answers. All I can do in my small corner is to be kind where I can.