Spent a few days feeling like things were back on track. Was able to lift my head up. Was good. Then in the space of an hour it slammed me to the floor, kicked me in the guts and walked off whistling.
Please stop this. Either make things better or fucking kill me. One or the other. This torment is fucking brutal.
Yup. I'm bonkers. Quite mad.
Wish I could talk to someone about it but no way.
I'm feeling done. So done.
Please. No more. I can't take it. What have I done to deserve this shit life of mine?
Why must I be thrown down. Stomped into the mud. Over and over until there's nothing left? You have broken me ok? I'm broken.
Just fucking kill me and be done with it.
4 hrs sleep again. Shit dreams.
Dreamed my wife wasn't dead. She was back with me. Then I realized that yes, she was dead, I watched her die, saw her in her coffin.
Watched her fall behind and drift off.
I feel so alone.
I hate my mind.
Spent a lot of last night awake. Worrying about my life. Mainly money and being alone.
When I did sleep off and on it was all low grade nightmares.
Woke up scared and alone, and down. Very, very down.
The arthritis in my foot hurts so badly today, each step is agony.
I don't want to do any of this anymore.
Sitting in the carpark outside my job trying to go in. Just trying to hold myself together.
I have secrets. Secrets so deep I don't even tell them in here.
I wish I could tell them to someone.
