My shoes

I'm annoyed at my shoes. I got sick of terrible cheap shoes not lasting well, so this time around I got better ones. Paid more for them, but hey, long term quality pays for itself, right? Right?

Nope. They have only lasted as long as the cheap and nasty ones.

Sigh.

Disappointment and alcohol

I have spent some time working with 17year old. Trying to show someone can care about her. Showing her life can be better.
Shes spending the weekend doing hard drugs. I feel disappointed. Both with her and with myself but I feel like a hypocrite, I would probably do the same if I could.  I suck.


I'm sitting in a restaurant having dinner, at one of the tables a couple, late 20s, early 30's is also having dinner. I hear the man admonishing his partner for not eating the cauliflower. I see her trying to shrink down in her seat, hurt.
Why? Seriously. Why does he need to do that?



My daughter is still working to make my life hard. I don't now why shes like that.



Switching between feeling lonely and wanting to keep away from people.


I have been drinking too much. I decided to be sober for a bit. I'm not liking it. Particularly tonight. I want to drink again already. That's not good.

Shitsmas

Well. That is another shit Xmas done and dusted.

The cat shat under the bathtub in a I don't know how I'm gonna clean it place, my sheets ripped. And I got to feel very alone. Spent a number of hours hiding in my bed. No one noticed.

Felt very very alone. Still do. Time to sleep I guess, the sooner I sleep the sooner it's not xmas.

My brain has holes

So yesterday I took my daughter and 17 yo to the zoo (she had never been to a zoo)

3 times I forgot her name. My daughter saw it once and reminded me her name. I have known her for months, talked to her plenty of times. My mind blanked.

Today I took my daughter to one of our favorite eateries. I got to the block where it was but I couldn't remember where in the block it was. I have been there so many times. But it wasn't in my brain.

Considering my sister has a brain tumor. I am a little worried.

Stupid little things.

So I'm sitting in McDonalds And I'm looking at a young couple, full of enthusiasm for life. I'm looking at an elderly couple. Enjoying their twilight years. All these different couples. And suddenly I felt so down. Missing out on that progression from young couple to elderly couple.

If anyone reads this, cherish your partner. I truly hope you get to spend your life together having fun and get to grow old together. I hope you have all that I don't.

Women

I was a virgin until I was 21. Women just weren't attracted to me. Very few are now too. I know many will think this crazy but until I was in my 20s I was convinced women hated sex. They only did it to shut the men up. Now I am in my mid 40s and I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that women still don't really like sex. It's strange because I have seen women in the throws of massive orgasms and they sure seem to be enjoying themselves, but that niggling feeling remains.

I have not had very many girlfriends. I can count them on one hand.

20 years ago I met my future wife. She was a broken thing, living in a broken old cottage. She suffered such abuse as a child and then moved on to an abusive relationship. But underneath the timid broken woman. I saw intelligence, caring, kindness. And a spark of passion.

I remember the first time I visited her. I knocked on her door unannounced, she opened it, saw me, screamed and slammed the door in my face. She refused to let me in. Eventually she came outside to me. For about 5 minutes. then she shooed me away and told me not to come back for a week. She said many years later she was so worried about her appearance and the state of her house she nearly broke down.

I did return a week later. Then more and more often. Things happened very quickly, and circumstances pushed us to move in together after quite a short amount of time. I always treated her gently and with compassion. I got to watch her bloom into a confident passionate woman. I don't know if it was ego or what. But I loved seeing her become who she was. Who she should have been all along.

In the 16 years we were together I never grew tired of going to bed with a woman and also waking up with one too. The niggle was always there. Why would a woman want me? It still persists today.

After 14 years, she found a lump in her breast. Things went downhill from there. So many medical mistakes. The cancer progressed very rapidly. 13 months after finding that lump I sat beside her as I watched her heart stop. She turned to me, took 2 breaths and died. 9:10am 21st of September. A moment burned into the core of my being. A stain on my soul.

Before she died she was unable to sleep in a bed. She had to spend her nights propped up on the sofa. I hated her not being there beside me at night. I missed her being there even more after she died. It was such a constant and a comfort in my life. No matter what the day bought that night there was a woman who wanted to spend the night next to me. That fact never, ever got old. I actually had trouble, even after all those years believing it. Yet there she was. Beside me.

After my wife died there was another woman. Again. Terrible father, terrible husband. But I saw that spark. The intelligence, the caring. It was too soon after my wife died though. I grabbed her and held on tight. Too tight. She needed space and I was holding on too hard. We realized the problems, and we dropped it down to best friends. I talk to her many, many times a day. Usually on the internet but we physically see each other every few weeks for a couple of hours.

I don't regret those relationships. The pain hurts sometimes but the love was worth it.



Now I'm going to bed. Alone.

I wrote this a while ago and refound it.

Advice to widowers....

Welcome to the widowers club, where membership can happen but no one wants it. I'm 1 1/2 years in, my wifes cancer was healing but the Drs screwed up and killed her. Half assed apology from the hospital. It's me and my now 11yo daughter. Some random thoughts.

If you can, take a few days out of your life and get blindingly drunk. Officially its a bad thing to do but it helps you process.

For the womens issues your daughter is on the cusp of dealing with don't even try to understand or help. Other women are the best to deal with pads and types etc. They are always willing to help a fellow sister with those issues.

You are unfortunately and fortunately about to find out who your real friends are. Some will surprise you. Ones you thought would be there aren't, ones who you didn't think would be there will be.

Sometimes you will get somewhere and not be able to get out of the car. Give up. Go home. It's normal.

Bed is a refuge. I lost a few days in there.

Kids are more resilient to these things but they will develop odd quirks (more so if your daughter has aspergers). Mine will sometimes pull off all the covers on her bed and insist on me making it for her. She is more than capable of making it. That's a queue I need to spend some more time with her. I make the bed, read her a story and then as soon as I can we go out for a day. Or even a dinner date.

Beach carparks are often deserted places during the week. Good quiet place to cry.

Yes, you want to die. Just remind yourself you will orphan your daughter. What a horrible thing to do to her.

St Johns wort can help take the edge off but it gave me nightmares worse than the depression. Vitamin B helps but only take it in the morning as it gives you insomnia. Ceiling staring at 2am sucks.

Get counselling if you can afford it. Mine had no good answers but they get paid for you to complain about the world.

Sometimes your daughter is going to need to talk. You need to be there for her and talk, even if its 11pm and you want to go to bed.

Berated for choices others made.

So the other night someone berated me for the choices my late wife made in her treatment. She blamed me for her choices. For making her do it. I never made her do anything. It was all her choice. I tried to tell her but I don't think she listened.

It was not the first time she had tried to say I exerted control over my wife.

I had to give up and unfriend her on facebook.

I stewed all night. Just couldn't sleep, all up I got 3.5hrs sleep. I'm still trying to recover.

I want to run away

I want to run away from my life.
It's all too complicated.
But it's already so lonely.

I'm confused.
I'm stressed.
I feel guilt. So much guilt right now.