Then I forgot it was there. Fuck it it can stay. This is what I said....
I see this stuff posted all over the place. Need help with Depression? Suicidal? Cancer? I'll be there claim the statuses.
Bullshit. You reach out and there are so few there.
Having issues? Feeling down? Put it out there and get called Eeyore (yes, it has happened).
That's why there's so much suicide in this country,. everyone is told to "man up". Want counselling because your wife died? Sure. Here's 6 sessions. Make sure you are cured by then because that's all you qualify for. Oh, the hospital screwed up and killed your wife before her time? Sorry, here's another couple of sessions for free.
Business going under because you are having trouble working due to grief? Use a credit card. There's no help for you.
The only reason I am still here is because I promised my wife before she died I would look after our daughter.
too much
It all became too much today.
I saw a memory post on facebook, which I mentioned in the last post. And my day just fell down.
I'm so lonely. I thought I could do it alone. In time I guess I can. but today I couldn't I almost lost it in the supermarket. I made it out and sat in the car for 15mins getting over it. Grabbed the daughter on the way home and went to bed for a few hrs.
Days like this I wish there was help. But there isn't. So I break a bit more. When will the breaking stop?
I saw a memory post on facebook, which I mentioned in the last post. And my day just fell down.
I'm so lonely. I thought I could do it alone. In time I guess I can. but today I couldn't I almost lost it in the supermarket. I made it out and sat in the car for 15mins getting over it. Grabbed the daughter on the way home and went to bed for a few hrs.
Days like this I wish there was help. But there isn't. So I break a bit more. When will the breaking stop?
Facebooks on this day and hindsight with 20/20 vision
So today on my on this day on facebook I can see on the feed a post about how my wife was doing 12 months ago. I now know that what I thought was menopause was in fact the infection that would kill her less than 2 months later was taking hold.
If only I had known then.
I failed my wife, right when we were starting to win.
I want someone to hold me right now. Tell me life is going to get better. But theres no one here. I'm alone. Paying for my failure.
Days like this I don't want to be here anymore.
And now comes up how people who survived cancer feel guilt. Seriously???? Survivors guilt? There's a fuck of a lot worse than survivors guilt.
If only I had known then.
I failed my wife, right when we were starting to win.
I want someone to hold me right now. Tell me life is going to get better. But theres no one here. I'm alone. Paying for my failure.
Days like this I don't want to be here anymore.
And now comes up how people who survived cancer feel guilt. Seriously???? Survivors guilt? There's a fuck of a lot worse than survivors guilt.
I think I broke?
Today was an odd day.
I didn't realise it till later but I haven't been nearly as sad and lonely as usual.
Thinking about it right now. I'm not totally bothered that I'm alone. Sure, someone to share my world with would be nice but it's not all encompassing.
Today I had an odd thought while I was out weeding the garden. Sorry, it's about to get intamate. I can't remember how heavy my girlfriends breasts are. If I imagine sneaking up behind her and pretending to be her bra I simply can't remember their weight. Or what they look like. The synapses that store that info in my brain are simply closing down.
In a way that bothers me. But in another way I think it's good. My brain appears to be moving on. Tonight I realised that I'm not even wondering if she will be back soon. I'm simply not caring.
It's strange. I haven't felt this way in many many years. I'm still full of grief. I think that is going to remain for dome time but I think I am moving on finally.
I wonder if I'll still want her when she arrives back and I see her. Weird.
What's new?
Been wondering what to write. Right now it's a bundle of same shit different day.
I'm starting to pull my emotions back in. Lock them away. It's taking some work.
I'm munching down a range of natural antidepressants. I think it's taking the edge off. I don't know. Sometimes I'm ok. Other times I'm falling to pieces.
Here's a conspiracy theory for you.
My wife was an admin on a tppa action board. And she was an alternative healer who was quite public.
A local dr here was also an admin on the same tppa action board and publicly into alterative healing.
Both died in circumstances that just aren't right. Something wrong about both their deaths. They were ruled terminal disease and accidental. I know that was not how it was in either of them.
So many alternative healers dying in strange ways.
Eeyore
Apparently my depression is wearing thin on others. I have been called Eeyore.
There goes the last person willing to listen to me.
Depression is isolating. Its isolation and loneliness. I don't need drugs. I need people to give a shit.
I asked for help from some of the others who I have helped in the past. Guess its not reciprocal.
Alone again. By Myself.
This Eeyore needs to relearn how to bury his emotions because no one wants to see them.
There goes the last person willing to listen to me.
Depression is isolating. Its isolation and loneliness. I don't need drugs. I need people to give a shit.
I asked for help from some of the others who I have helped in the past. Guess its not reciprocal.
Alone again. By Myself.
This Eeyore needs to relearn how to bury his emotions because no one wants to see them.
Help from others
So many people have asked me for help when they were down. Someone to talk to. Someone to be there for them. And I was. No matter how low or hurting I have been I have always been there for those people.
I'm showing them how low I am. Most are ignoring it.
All those shit status updates showing they will be there for people is bullshit. They will only be there if they need to do nothing more than update their facebook status.
NZ culture. This, People. This is why we have massive suicide rates in New Zealand. Because we don't have each others backs. We aren't there for others.
I'm showing them how low I am. Most are ignoring it.
All those shit status updates showing they will be there for people is bullshit. They will only be there if they need to do nothing more than update their facebook status.
NZ culture. This, People. This is why we have massive suicide rates in New Zealand. Because we don't have each others backs. We aren't there for others.
Hearts and Pimples
I have a pimple over my heart. It won't go away.
It tends to turn up in times of high stress and or depression.
My wife said it was my heart becoming toxic and trying to clear itself.
It tends to turn up in times of high stress and or depression.
My wife said it was my heart becoming toxic and trying to clear itself.
10 months
Well, 10 months and 2 days to be precise, since I lost my wife.
I just want company. I want someone special to hold, to love. To cherish. I want some one to care about, and someone who cares about me.
I want to go to bed at night and hug someone close before I drift off to sleep. I want to wake up in the morning and have someone there in bed with me.
I want to sit in a park and eat sausages on a warm sunny evening. I want to go to art galleries and museums and even antique stores.
I want to walk on the beach, and up mountains.
I want someone to hold me when it gets dark and show me there's light.
I just want company. I want someone special to hold, to love. To cherish. I want some one to care about, and someone who cares about me.
I want to go to bed at night and hug someone close before I drift off to sleep. I want to wake up in the morning and have someone there in bed with me.
I want to sit in a park and eat sausages on a warm sunny evening. I want to go to art galleries and museums and even antique stores.
I want to walk on the beach, and up mountains.
I want someone to hold me when it gets dark and show me there's light.
Depression level = Stressed out
When you are stressed from the depression and you can feel the Adrenalin trickling to your heart.
But Adrenalin to someone with CFS is like a poison. Pity its not a little more potent. All it will do is make it harder to work. Or function.
What does it matter? I'm no longer living. I exist. Nothing more.
Night time
I used to love evenings. Nice times. Nice company. And climbing into bed with someone. Bliss. Knowing you were going to wake up beside them too. More bliss.
Now. It's just empty.
Nights have turned into a horrible loneliness.
Gotta find a way to get this under control.
Now. It's just empty.
Nights have turned into a horrible loneliness.
Gotta find a way to get this under control.
day 1 of manning up
It's hard to change your own mindset.
Keeps sucking me back. Reverting. I just have to keep pushing myself into the new mindset.
Stupid thing is I don't want to change. I want to be free to have emotions. I want to love. I want to need to love.
That won't happen. That time is gone. Its lost. It's over.
Why wasn't I flooding her with Vitamin C? Right from the moment that wound opened up. Pushing, pushing her to take it.
When do I dare say I feel like I didn't try hard enough to keep her alive.
Wrong emotions. Push it down. Lock it away.
Man up. Move on.
Keeps sucking me back. Reverting. I just have to keep pushing myself into the new mindset.
Stupid thing is I don't want to change. I want to be free to have emotions. I want to love. I want to need to love.
That won't happen. That time is gone. Its lost. It's over.
Why wasn't I flooding her with Vitamin C? Right from the moment that wound opened up. Pushing, pushing her to take it.
When do I dare say I feel like I didn't try hard enough to keep her alive.
Wrong emotions. Push it down. Lock it away.
Man up. Move on.
"man up"
To "man up". The art of putting your emotions away. Driving them down and locking them up. I used to be able to do that. Sure, the bruxism was a bit of an annoying side effect but it worked. I could carry on through massive stress. I was considered management material. When things were bad I would man up and deal with it.
Then I got sick. Real sick.
The irony of my illness is that stress makes me sick. And then I get stressed that I'm sick. And so I get sicker.
I had to learn to let the stress go. It was a combination of trying not to care about work and not letting people get to me. Followed through with allowing myself to have emotions.
The problem now is that with recent events the emotions are sucking me down. And I forgot how to turn them off.
How did I do it? How did I turn them off?
Pink Floyd.........
There must have been a door there in the wall, when I came in.
Then I got sick. Real sick.
The irony of my illness is that stress makes me sick. And then I get stressed that I'm sick. And so I get sicker.
I had to learn to let the stress go. It was a combination of trying not to care about work and not letting people get to me. Followed through with allowing myself to have emotions.
The problem now is that with recent events the emotions are sucking me down. And I forgot how to turn them off.
How did I do it? How did I turn them off?
Pink Floyd.........
There must have been a door there in the wall, when I came in.
You are so strong. You are so brave. Rubbish.
People going on about oh you are so strong. All that you do you are strong. And brave. No I'm not. I had no choice.
I'm not a hero
I'm not a saviour.
Forget what you know.
I'm just a man who's circumstances went beyond his control.
I'm not a saviour.
Forget what you know.
I'm just a man who's circumstances went beyond his control.
-Styx. Mr roboto.
Google, Ye are not helpful this time
Trying to find some natural pill to stop me from feeling. I just want to shut it all down for a few weeks. Go numb.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I want it to break
It's only been 4 days. I feel so alone.
How stupid is that?
I wish the part of me that needs company so much would break. Just go away.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate myself.
I hate it.
I hate what I have become.
I hate where my life has ended up.
I wish I could end it.
I want the feelings to stop. All of them.
How stupid is that?
I wish the part of me that needs company so much would break. Just go away.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate myself.
I hate it.
I hate what I have become.
I hate where my life has ended up.
I wish I could end it.
I want the feelings to stop. All of them.
And then there is the daughter.
Shes hard work. She won't go to bed. The arguments getting her to bed wear me out. Not as much as the arguments getting her out of bed in the mornings though.
I have tried over and over to explain it to her.
She won't listen.
I'm tired.
I have tried over and over to explain it to her.
She won't listen.
I'm tired.
Mornings
That transition from resting in a nice warm bed to the starkness of reality. Someone purchased the book before I removed it from sale. I feel bad for them. I have given them an electronic version of the book so they can see what it should look like. I hope they are ok with that.
I hate living. I don't want to face the world.
Edit to say its not living. This isn't living. Right now I am existing. Not living.
I hate living. I don't want to face the world.
Edit to say its not living. This isn't living. Right now I am existing. Not living.
My Bed. My refuge
My bed. The place I went when my wife was diagnosed with cancer.
The place I went when she died of cancer.
The place I find myself when it all gets too hard. Like today.
Its terrible. Part of me is screaming to get up and get moving. I need the work and the money.
The other part of me just can't do it some days.
I hate the depression.
I hate being so alone with my depression.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate what I am.
I hate what I have become.
The place I went when she died of cancer.
The place I find myself when it all gets too hard. Like today.
Its terrible. Part of me is screaming to get up and get moving. I need the work and the money.
The other part of me just can't do it some days.
I hate the depression.
I hate being so alone with my depression.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate what I am.
I hate what I have become.
The man in the moon
It was a full moon so I went out and told the man in the moon how tired I was and asked if I could rest yet. It's been hard on me this life of mine. Today I checked my wife's book by laser printing it.
When I saw it I pulled her book from amazon.
I'm tired. I'm alone and I've run out of..... well..... I have run out of everything. There's nothing left.
All over the place
It was a great day. And a really hard day.
My Girlfriend hasn't got too far away yet, she was couple of hours north of here. So instead of going to work I ducked up to see her. It was a really nice day. But it was hard. We didn't really have much time and then suddenly it was over. She heads a lot further North tomorrow and I won't see her for some weeks. It's hurting me already.
My late wifes book was published too. It went live today. It's finally finished. Yay! It was hard making it. Going through her work and her files. It hurt a lot, I have to admit there were some tears at times writing it.
Now the nerves. Will people like it? Will they buy it?
Meanwhile I have to work tomorrow. All the other things don't pay the bills. And there's a lot of those.
I think I will enjoy dying. Finally getting to rest. And no more bills.
My Girlfriend hasn't got too far away yet, she was couple of hours north of here. So instead of going to work I ducked up to see her. It was a really nice day. But it was hard. We didn't really have much time and then suddenly it was over. She heads a lot further North tomorrow and I won't see her for some weeks. It's hurting me already.
My late wifes book was published too. It went live today. It's finally finished. Yay! It was hard making it. Going through her work and her files. It hurt a lot, I have to admit there were some tears at times writing it.
Now the nerves. Will people like it? Will they buy it?
Meanwhile I have to work tomorrow. All the other things don't pay the bills. And there's a lot of those.
I think I will enjoy dying. Finally getting to rest. And no more bills.
Kia Kaha!
Kia Kaha! It's New Zealand maori for stand strong. It's something that's said a lot over here.
I loath those 2 words. Utterly loath them. Because when I hear them I hear "stand alone".
People who say Kia Kaha tend to be the ones who are not fighting along side you. But watching from a distance.
Doing my taxes
So, I was doing my taxes. I hate doing my taxes at the best of times.
I have to go through all my bank statements and check off what is business and what is personal when I come to the start of September. There in my statement is my wife's last days. There's me buying lunch at the hospital. There's me stopping to get her some food as I took her to the hospice to die. There's the pizza I bought. And the ginger beer. Both were to be her last meal.
Sometimes the hurts are to be found in unexpected places. That was one of them. So here I am at 12:30pm. Awake and alone.
My mouth is flaring up again. I'm sick of living in constant pain.
Everyone thinks I'm doing ok. It's a lie. I'm not. I just had a shower. All I could think about in the shower was that I didn't dose Polli with enough vitamin c. And what would have happened if she had the right dressings when her breast fungated months before they used proper dressings.
Who knows. What ifs are pointless I know. Doesn't stop me thinking of them.
I feel broken and alone right now.
A new low
I'm running out of money.
This month I am raiding coins so I can pay the taxes.
There is not enough work and even if there was I couldn't cope working the hours.
Fuck knows.
This month I am raiding coins so I can pay the taxes.
There is not enough work and even if there was I couldn't cope working the hours.
Fuck knows.
Saddest moment ever
I was reading about loneliest moments on a random site.
I remembered mine.
After my wife died my birthday rolled around. My daughter is aspie and has a habit of not caring a lot. Others were avoiding me a lot.
I wound up sticking a candle in a cup cake and singing happy birthday to myself.
I remember a cake arriving a few days later. But my actual birthday this year was sad and pathetic.
I remembered mine.
After my wife died my birthday rolled around. My daughter is aspie and has a habit of not caring a lot. Others were avoiding me a lot.
I wound up sticking a candle in a cup cake and singing happy birthday to myself.
I remember a cake arriving a few days later. But my actual birthday this year was sad and pathetic.
One of those days
Ever have one of those days that's so bad its almost comedic.
I managed to be up early for a change. Which was good. There was a knock on the door about 8:30am
My new 2nd hand hot water cylinder has arrived!!!!
So my really cool installer guy who is doing it for free sets about installing it. Of course there's no water while its being done. I get back to my breakfast and answering my morning emails. I nip up the back for a quick play with the barky. He's finally learning that fetching is a good idea.
Then.... My stomach has a complain. Hmmm. ok. lets just see if its an in passing complain. Nope. Its not. Bugger. OK. Off to the toilet. theres enough for 1 flush..... The toilet was leaking a little. Oh well. Most of it flushed down. Take immodium. My stomach is sounding like the deck of an old sailing ship. There's a lot of creaking going on.
I nip around the corner to a friends place for a couple hrs till the creaking and the cramping stops.
Back home to find the cylinder replacement isn't going so well. Mainly the fact that the mains coming into the house has corroded and the bumping has made it split. Anyway, to cut a long story short there's a whacking great hole in the side of the house and I have no water.
Its late and its cold and I can't shower.
I'm sure I'll look back on all this one day and lauuuugh.
I managed to be up early for a change. Which was good. There was a knock on the door about 8:30am
My new 2nd hand hot water cylinder has arrived!!!!
So my really cool installer guy who is doing it for free sets about installing it. Of course there's no water while its being done. I get back to my breakfast and answering my morning emails. I nip up the back for a quick play with the barky. He's finally learning that fetching is a good idea.
Then.... My stomach has a complain. Hmmm. ok. lets just see if its an in passing complain. Nope. Its not. Bugger. OK. Off to the toilet. theres enough for 1 flush..... The toilet was leaking a little. Oh well. Most of it flushed down. Take immodium. My stomach is sounding like the deck of an old sailing ship. There's a lot of creaking going on.
I nip around the corner to a friends place for a couple hrs till the creaking and the cramping stops.
Back home to find the cylinder replacement isn't going so well. Mainly the fact that the mains coming into the house has corroded and the bumping has made it split. Anyway, to cut a long story short there's a whacking great hole in the side of the house and I have no water.
Its late and its cold and I can't shower.
I'm sure I'll look back on all this one day and lauuuugh.
What to do?
Well here it is 1:30am. It's now the last day of May. One day I'll sleep a whole night.
This past month has not been the best. My depression has been winning a lot. This has been the hardest month out of the past 6 or so months. My income is so low I'll be dipping into the credit cards again. Oh well. I managed to keep out of them for the past 2 months so that's something. So why am I up at this hour?
It's woman troubles. I love my girlfriend. She's neat. She's intelligent, she's kind and she's funny. Pretty good looking to boot. The trouble is she's also often unavailable. It's not her fault dear reader. Please don't frown upon her. When we were first going out she was here 4 nights a week. Hey I would have liked more but I was cool with that much. But over time this has dropped down to where I'm getting 1 night sometimes 2 nights a week. She's got a property she's doing up and winter is coming and she's trying to get things sorted before winter really kicks in. (Southern hemisphere here. Winter is a month away). But it's been hard on me. With loosing my drive over the hospital (you need to look back at my earlier posts for that) I really needed some company but she hasn't been available and now the thing I have also been trying to avoid thinking about is looming. She has some gypsy tendancies and has been needing to roam. She's going in 20 days and will not be back for a good 6 weeks or more. I fear that dear reader may just break me. But convincing her not to go may just break her.
I'm in a difficult place. Normally I would place her needs above mine. It's why I have been ensuring she gets that time she needs at her place. It's an hour away from here.
But 6 weeks alone. Dear reader I don't know what to do. I'm not in a good state. I'm lost over this. She's lost over it too. How can I put my needs over hers? But how broken will I become?
But 6 weeks alone. Dear reader I don't know what to do. I'm not in a good state. I'm lost over this. She's lost over it too. How can I put my needs over hers? But how broken will I become?
What becomes of the broken hearted?
Do NOT tell your girlfriend about your dreams
So, my girlfriend asked me about my dream. She asked several times. So I showed her my previous post.
I'm sitting here thinking I may not have a girlfriend now. I don't know. So I have gone from not having enough to nothing.
I am a dick. A total dick.
I'm sitting here thinking I may not have a girlfriend now. I don't know. So I have gone from not having enough to nothing.
I am a dick. A total dick.
How long before the loneliness goes away?
Last nights sleep wasn't the best.
I dreamed someone else wanted to be my girlfriend. I'm trying to tell her I already have one. But she doesn't want to listen. A part of me wanted to take the new one. My current girlfriend is an amazing person but I don't see her enough. She has good reasons. It's just how it has to be. The other one (someone I know) would be nowhere near as wonderful (in fact would annoy me a bit) but I would see her a lot. Then my girlfriend showed up and they had an argument. But they made me go into a different room while they argued.
Then I woke up and neither one was there. Or my wife. I felt crushing loneliness. I just sat there for 2 hrs. Alone in my bed unable to sleep. Finally I got back to sleep and I dreamt of a water pipe and valve that was broken and couldn't be fixed. I didn't know what to do.
Next dream I went to a restaurant for lunch. I did the desert menu option but when I went to get the desserts they put them away just as I got there. I'm trying to explain that I paid for it and really wanted it. But they said no, I was too late.
Now I have to try and work while feeling like shit.
How long before I stop feeling so alone?
I dreamed someone else wanted to be my girlfriend. I'm trying to tell her I already have one. But she doesn't want to listen. A part of me wanted to take the new one. My current girlfriend is an amazing person but I don't see her enough. She has good reasons. It's just how it has to be. The other one (someone I know) would be nowhere near as wonderful (in fact would annoy me a bit) but I would see her a lot. Then my girlfriend showed up and they had an argument. But they made me go into a different room while they argued.
Then I woke up and neither one was there. Or my wife. I felt crushing loneliness. I just sat there for 2 hrs. Alone in my bed unable to sleep. Finally I got back to sleep and I dreamt of a water pipe and valve that was broken and couldn't be fixed. I didn't know what to do.
Next dream I went to a restaurant for lunch. I did the desert menu option but when I went to get the desserts they put them away just as I got there. I'm trying to explain that I paid for it and really wanted it. But they said no, I was too late.
Now I have to try and work while feeling like shit.
How long before I stop feeling so alone?
A little lie called Karma.
I know a lady. Shes such a nice, kind person. One of those people you like as soon as you meet them.
She had 2 sons and a loving husband. Had. What her and her husband didn't know until a bit later was that the 2 sons had Cystic Fibrosis. She had to watch her 2 sons slowly die. After the first son died and while the 2nd one was going down her husband killed himself. The same week she was diagnosed with cancer. Now she lives alone. This was a nice woman who did nice things. Wheres the Karma in that?
There's a group of 4 houses here in this city. All side by side. They were purchased when a man won the lottery so his family could all live close to each other. Sounds nice, and noble. This family are known by almost everyone in the city. They burgle houses. they steal, they cheat. They are often in prison. So tell me. With all that why would Karma give them that money? Oh, it didn't stop them from their ways in case you were wondering. They stayed the same.
My wife did good things, she was an adviser and confidant to so many people. She never asked for money. She did it out of kindness. She would stay up all night with someone who was down if it was needed. All the kindness and good karma in the world couldn't save her from a slow, horrible death.
But you see we need lies like Karma. And others, like Justice. We need to believe in them. Because if we don't then where does that leave us dear reader? In one hell of a quandary, that's where.
So why do good things if it doesn't matter in the scheme of things? Because why not? We are all in this life thing together so why not help others through it. Leave the horrible people to being horrible. Find and focus on the good ones. At least your corner will be that bit more bearable.
She had 2 sons and a loving husband. Had. What her and her husband didn't know until a bit later was that the 2 sons had Cystic Fibrosis. She had to watch her 2 sons slowly die. After the first son died and while the 2nd one was going down her husband killed himself. The same week she was diagnosed with cancer. Now she lives alone. This was a nice woman who did nice things. Wheres the Karma in that?
There's a group of 4 houses here in this city. All side by side. They were purchased when a man won the lottery so his family could all live close to each other. Sounds nice, and noble. This family are known by almost everyone in the city. They burgle houses. they steal, they cheat. They are often in prison. So tell me. With all that why would Karma give them that money? Oh, it didn't stop them from their ways in case you were wondering. They stayed the same.
My wife did good things, she was an adviser and confidant to so many people. She never asked for money. She did it out of kindness. She would stay up all night with someone who was down if it was needed. All the kindness and good karma in the world couldn't save her from a slow, horrible death.
But you see we need lies like Karma. And others, like Justice. We need to believe in them. Because if we don't then where does that leave us dear reader? In one hell of a quandary, that's where.
So why do good things if it doesn't matter in the scheme of things? Because why not? We are all in this life thing together so why not help others through it. Leave the horrible people to being horrible. Find and focus on the good ones. At least your corner will be that bit more bearable.
Ambivalence. Along with ups and downs.
ambivalence
amˈbɪv(ə)l(ə)ns,amˈbɪvəl(ə)ns,amˈbɪvələns/
noun
- the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
So dear reader. I am going to impart something to you that I haven't mentioned to many people. My girlfriend was diagnosed some months ago in the early stages of cervical cancer. All around me is cancer. Cancer and death, but that's a subject for a later post. Now here's some good news. After some time of nervous waiting she got a letter today. Shes clear of cancer! It's gone. She took note of my studies and applied the protocols and treatments I used on my wife and it worked. Elation, and the end of a nervous time. Coupled with sadness. It does work. Yet another reminder I was so close to saving my wife.
Then a call from the health and disability advocate. She tells me I have had a positive effect on parts of the hospital and people are being treated with more compassion. Some (not all, but some) of the doctors are treating patients better.
But there nothing more I can do and there's nothing I will ever gain from it. My life. Spent in service of others with nothing to show for it.
It also leaves me a bit down having to drag all that stuff up again.
Then the kicker for the night. Someone who I thought was a caring person rounded on me and totally belittled my views on Doctors. She knew what had happened. She was a friend of my wife's. I removed my comments from her facebook page and went back to see her crowing about me doing that.
For some reason that hurt a lot. I'm trying to ignore it. And normally I'm ok. I'm used to ridicule. But tonight I can't shake it. Guess the events of the day amplified it.
Its been a hard month
Its been a hard month dear reader. Coping is hard. So hard. When my Polli was dying I put the last of my energy into her instead of working. I was so drained but I kept going. Its amazing how even at the lowest point you can keep dragging yourself up for a bit. I remember going up to the hospital to see her one day and I'm standing there feeling an earthquake. But I look around the room and no one is looking worried. Guess it was just me. Low times then too. The blood noses I was getting too. Not good.
Well, back to this month. After Polli died I had a driver, a purpose. Take on the hospital. It kept me going. It was my goal. I lost. Little old me trying to take on the might of the hospital. I gave it everything. I ripped my psyche to pieces at times. But they got me. It came down to my medical opinion against a Doctors medical opinion. Hes lying, but theres no proof.
So there it was. My reason for keeping on. My reason to get back up to fight. POOF! Gone.
Again, Sharon O'Neils song Maxine
Maxine
You're not the only one
To take the whole world on
No ones ever won.
Its so hard reader. I can't hold down full time work. It's not there to be had anyway. My business is barely moving. Sometimes I can only manage a few hrs a day. Other times I can't even do that. I'm hiding it from everyone. They don't notice how bad it is. Some suspect. My credit cards are going to run out soon. I don't know what comes after that.
And then there's my daughter. I hoped. I wished, she would step up and help after her mother died. But shes so selfish. She just won't help. Before you say to yourself that its a reaction to her mothers death she was like this before she got sick. I just hoped she would change. She won't go to sleep until late and then won't get up in the morning. Sometimes I cant get her out the door till 10 or even 11am. Shes 10 and home schooled so goes to careers. And she just won't help with housework. I've tried it all. Being nice, asking, begging, screaming and yelling. Nothing. I want us to get along. But she won't help. I want help. I'm so tired and so low. Just a bit of help doing housework. Not everything. Just a bit.
I want to drink a lot tonight but I'm all out of alcohol. Apart from some stuff I'm allergic to. I'm tempted to drink it anyways.
I'm so low. I get the cutters now. I want to feel a blade slicing across my skin. Feel the reality of the pain.
I hear some antidepressants turn you into an unfeeling zombie. I'm tempted there too. Not feeling anything. That would be bliss compared to the pain I feel now.
Well, back to this month. After Polli died I had a driver, a purpose. Take on the hospital. It kept me going. It was my goal. I lost. Little old me trying to take on the might of the hospital. I gave it everything. I ripped my psyche to pieces at times. But they got me. It came down to my medical opinion against a Doctors medical opinion. Hes lying, but theres no proof.
So there it was. My reason for keeping on. My reason to get back up to fight. POOF! Gone.
Again, Sharon O'Neils song Maxine
Maxine
You're not the only one
To take the whole world on
No ones ever won.
Its so hard reader. I can't hold down full time work. It's not there to be had anyway. My business is barely moving. Sometimes I can only manage a few hrs a day. Other times I can't even do that. I'm hiding it from everyone. They don't notice how bad it is. Some suspect. My credit cards are going to run out soon. I don't know what comes after that.
And then there's my daughter. I hoped. I wished, she would step up and help after her mother died. But shes so selfish. She just won't help. Before you say to yourself that its a reaction to her mothers death she was like this before she got sick. I just hoped she would change. She won't go to sleep until late and then won't get up in the morning. Sometimes I cant get her out the door till 10 or even 11am. Shes 10 and home schooled so goes to careers. And she just won't help with housework. I've tried it all. Being nice, asking, begging, screaming and yelling. Nothing. I want us to get along. But she won't help. I want help. I'm so tired and so low. Just a bit of help doing housework. Not everything. Just a bit.
I want to drink a lot tonight but I'm all out of alcohol. Apart from some stuff I'm allergic to. I'm tempted to drink it anyways.
I'm so low. I get the cutters now. I want to feel a blade slicing across my skin. Feel the reality of the pain.
I hear some antidepressants turn you into an unfeeling zombie. I'm tempted there too. Not feeling anything. That would be bliss compared to the pain I feel now.
The good guys always win..... In the movies
So my daughter is watching a movie and its hitting the obligatory thrilling end. She says "it's ok, the good guys always win"
It reminded me of when Terry Pratchett explained in the Hogfather that We need our children to believe in the little lies, like the tooth fairy and Santa. That way when they grow up they can believe in the bigger lies like justice and mercy. We need to believe to make life more bearable.
I felt so sorry for her. One day shes going to figure out that its all a lie. All of it.
2 days ago I watched a woman scam thousands of people (over 5,000 according to the facebook page) out of money, presents and other gifts by accusing a school of allowing her child to be mercilessly bullied. This same woman has been lying and scamming people for years. She has left a trail of saddened, disillusioned people in her wake. Despite those people standing up and warning people she still received an unknown sum of money and presents, people showed up and did things for her child for free. The school meanwhile is in the middle of the situation. Unable to speak out to maintain privacy of the child.
7 months ago my wife died. She was healing from her cancer but the hospital decided she was dying. They refused to look at the evidence. All they had to do was keep her going. Just for a while longer. Her body would have taken over the healing process. She just needed them to help her for another 2 months. The Drs get to go home to their lives, their families, believing they did their jobs. I'm left here alone. Looking after my daughter. I'm coping. But not all that well right now. I hope the sadness will end one day.
It reminded me of when Terry Pratchett explained in the Hogfather that We need our children to believe in the little lies, like the tooth fairy and Santa. That way when they grow up they can believe in the bigger lies like justice and mercy. We need to believe to make life more bearable.
I felt so sorry for her. One day shes going to figure out that its all a lie. All of it.
2 days ago I watched a woman scam thousands of people (over 5,000 according to the facebook page) out of money, presents and other gifts by accusing a school of allowing her child to be mercilessly bullied. This same woman has been lying and scamming people for years. She has left a trail of saddened, disillusioned people in her wake. Despite those people standing up and warning people she still received an unknown sum of money and presents, people showed up and did things for her child for free. The school meanwhile is in the middle of the situation. Unable to speak out to maintain privacy of the child.
7 months ago my wife died. She was healing from her cancer but the hospital decided she was dying. They refused to look at the evidence. All they had to do was keep her going. Just for a while longer. Her body would have taken over the healing process. She just needed them to help her for another 2 months. The Drs get to go home to their lives, their families, believing they did their jobs. I'm left here alone. Looking after my daughter. I'm coping. But not all that well right now. I hope the sadness will end one day.
The Day before Mothers Day
So, I planned 2 big events a year for my wife. Her birthday and the day before mothers day. Why the day before? because then it was about her and no other mothers (think parents etc). Anyways this year she wasn't there. I distracted myself intentionally by taking my girlfriend out for the day. It wasn't the big crazy day I usually did but it was a really nice distraction. For anyone grieving for your loved one. Please, on the big days try and distract yourself or you are gonna do it hard.
Descent into madness
I'm sitting here in a sea of people. I feel alone.
Broken.
Depressed.
Alone.
It's a strange problem I have. I hate groups of people. But I hate to be alone. I want someone to take me to a nice quiet place and just hold on tight.
Instead I sit here. Alone. In a sea of people.
History is littered with the remains of those who took on the system.
Edward Snowden told the world about what was going on. He will never be allowed to go home. The system hasn't changed.
Juilian Assange told the world about what was going on. Hes stuck in limbo in a building. The system hasn't changed.
A search on google for whistleblowers is littered with people who did the right thing and pay dearly. we have headlines like "NHS whistleblowers struggling to find work after exposing failures"
So many people know things are wrong. But if you try and talk about it you are shot down. You get no where, in fact it will cost you dearly.
I once got ripped off by a company. I refused to pay for their faulty product and had them take it back. 5 years later I found they had lodged a bad debt in my name. I confronted them about it. The owner said to me "take it to court, but I am a justice of the peace and you aren't. Who are they going to believe"? In the end I paid for a faulty product that I didn't even have.
The hospital killed my wife. Her tumors were shrinking. She was getting better. I have medical evidence and witnesses to show that. The system let her down. After 8 months of fighting with the system it has come down to a doctor saying they did everything right. It is his medical opinion against my medical opinion. Guess who will be believed?
I can take this to the world. There are journalists waiting to meet with me. I can be a whistleblower about how they are killing patients by failing to properly deal with infections, and check their hydration levels among other things. I can shout that I know how to cure cancer.
But it won't help me. Or my daughter. I doubt it would help others. Nothing will change. So here I sit dear readers. Broken. I have lost to the system. I cannot win. I'm sorry.
A few lines from a Sharon O'Neil song is playing in my mind.
Maxine, you're not the only one
To take the whole world on
But no one's ever won
Juilian Assange told the world about what was going on. Hes stuck in limbo in a building. The system hasn't changed.
A search on google for whistleblowers is littered with people who did the right thing and pay dearly. we have headlines like "NHS whistleblowers struggling to find work after exposing failures"
So many people know things are wrong. But if you try and talk about it you are shot down. You get no where, in fact it will cost you dearly.
I once got ripped off by a company. I refused to pay for their faulty product and had them take it back. 5 years later I found they had lodged a bad debt in my name. I confronted them about it. The owner said to me "take it to court, but I am a justice of the peace and you aren't. Who are they going to believe"? In the end I paid for a faulty product that I didn't even have.
The hospital killed my wife. Her tumors were shrinking. She was getting better. I have medical evidence and witnesses to show that. The system let her down. After 8 months of fighting with the system it has come down to a doctor saying they did everything right. It is his medical opinion against my medical opinion. Guess who will be believed?
I can take this to the world. There are journalists waiting to meet with me. I can be a whistleblower about how they are killing patients by failing to properly deal with infections, and check their hydration levels among other things. I can shout that I know how to cure cancer.
But it won't help me. Or my daughter. I doubt it would help others. Nothing will change. So here I sit dear readers. Broken. I have lost to the system. I cannot win. I'm sorry.
A few lines from a Sharon O'Neil song is playing in my mind.
Maxine, you're not the only one
To take the whole world on
But no one's ever won
Whodunnit. No, but seriously, who killed my wife?
This world is crazy.
My wife had cancer. Not a small tumor it was fucking nasty. But it was shrinking.
But she died. If its shrinking then its not the cancer that killed her.
No one is putting their hand up and saying opps. So I'm left. Alone. To deal with it. No help.
Some nights the sheer loneliness cuts so deep. This is one of those nights.
My wife had cancer. Not a small tumor it was fucking nasty. But it was shrinking.
But she died. If its shrinking then its not the cancer that killed her.
No one is putting their hand up and saying opps. So I'm left. Alone. To deal with it. No help.
Some nights the sheer loneliness cuts so deep. This is one of those nights.
"I want to make an impact", no you don't.
This whole make an impact thing. So many people say one of their goals is to make an impact on the world. Been there, done it.
I have talked to prime ministers. I have had CEOs of major international companies seek me out to speak to me. I get regularly rolled out to government MP's as someone whose making an impact.
I have bought technology to the poor to help close the gap between the haves and the have nots.
I have won national awards for my services to the community.
Do you know what its got me? I live in a crappy house in a crappy street in a crappy city. My work is often thrown in my face. The people I help don't appreciate me and the ones who are supposed to care and finance these types of work want to put it into sports and trendy things. Rugby uniforms are more important than poor kids being able to use a computer to learn things online.
Never saved my wife either.
Speaking of my wife, shes an international author, her work is sold around the world. She has fans who love her and listen to her. What did we make from her book over the last 3 years? $250. That's it.
Fuck making an impact. It will not help you. Be mediocre. Its a shitload less stress and a much easier more fulfilling life.
I found the cure for cancer and no one cares
More things I don't get.
I found the cure for cancer. No Shit. I really found it. It's there in all the parts on the pub med site. It took me 7 months to learn how to do it. The cure is cheap. Compared to what it takes now its a minuscule price. and the side effects are way less than the current ones.
You would think if cancer was cured there would be fanfare and accolades.
Instead there is nothing but silence. I can't get anyone to listen.
I found the cure for cancer. No Shit. I really found it. It's there in all the parts on the pub med site. It took me 7 months to learn how to do it. The cure is cheap. Compared to what it takes now its a minuscule price. and the side effects are way less than the current ones.
You would think if cancer was cured there would be fanfare and accolades.
Instead there is nothing but silence. I can't get anyone to listen.
Something my wife wrote
Tears flow as the memories assault me
a faint calling for revenge
a desire to return the pain
still there but barely heard by this grieving heart
sorrow swallows and hurt drowns
sadness sinks us beneath the silent surface of a pool
and for a moment that silence comforts
a moment longer and reason reasserts
a quiet acceptance of things we cannot change
but I know what ages us now.......it is sorrow
Mr Magoriums wonder emporium
One hell of a quote.
“When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “He dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies.” And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies,” but because of the life we saw prior to the words. I’ve lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I’m only asking that you turn the page, continue reading… and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest “He died.”
― Dustin Hoffman
Pity about he epilogue.
“When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “He dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies.” And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies,” but because of the life we saw prior to the words. I’ve lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I’m only asking that you turn the page, continue reading… and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest “He died.”
― Dustin Hoffman
Pity about he epilogue.
I am the support person
Hi, You may not have noticed me. Or, if you have you may have seen me as that annoyance attached to the patient.
Yes, I am the patient's partner.
I’m the person who keeps trying to be there when the Dr makes their rounds.
I’m the person who asks questions when you are trying to talk to the patient
I’m the one who complains when things aren’t going well.
I’m the one who tries to be in the room when you are performing procedures
I’m the one who wants updates on what’s happening
But,
I’m the one who stayed beside my partner for 30 hours without sleeping and was left to sleep in a car park.
I’m the one who changed my partner's blood soaked gowns because you didn’t have time.
I’m the one who ensured my partner had her medication on time when you left it beside her bed and told her to dose herself.
I’m the one who held my terrified partner through the evening who was scheduled for surgery the next day and you put her beside a “sentinel event”.
I’m the one who patched my partners dressings because the smell was too bad for the nurses.
I’m the one you locked into the surgical waiting room alone while you operated on my wife on the weekend.
I’m the one who bought food to my partner because the kitchens thought jam and cereal don't contain sugar.
I’m the one who watched as my wife died before me, knowing it should not have happened
Please don’t write me off.
Lunch and death.
So I met up with a guy I used to work with recently. We had lunch, talked about the crap people talk about over lunch.
Afterwards we stood out side and he lit a smoke. I did the obligatory you shouldn't smoke it will kill you thing. He looked at me and said something surprising. He said, I'm not about to kill myself but if I found out I was going to die I wouldn't be upset either. I was surprised because I felt the same way.
Has anyone seen the suicide stats for males in the 40 - 60 age group? Real high. I get why too. Its the same reason we have a mid life crisis.
Here we are, half way through life and slowly, every day we get stomped down, ground down, pushed down.
We see our friends and loved ones die, we get bullied, belittled, threatened. And all we have to look forward to is years and years of the same thing. Its hard. Hard to be a guy.
We have all these women convinced we are going to rape them, telling us how we are horrible people. We have to be so careful. Women, you should try taking your kids to the park when you are a guy. We see all the sideways glances. Making sure we aren't kidnapping the child or beating them, or molesting them.
Some guys are assholes, we get that. But not all of us.
Then there's the stress. Gotta keep the money rolling in. Gotta support the family, gotta make them all happy. Can't take time off need to keep my job. It pays shit, the boss is an asshole but it keeps the family fed.
Round and round it goes. Day after day. Then your little girl grows up. She used to adore you. Now you just fight. She tells you that you are a bad person. Horrible and mean. And you break some more.
Then your wife gets sick And you break some more. You want to stop. Just stop and get off for a bit.
But you can't you have to stay with her. Be strong in the face of it all.
Then your wife dies. And you break some more.
But you can't you can't stop. Gotta get up. Gotta go to work.
Next day, gotta get up gotta go to work.
Hold it together. Pay the bills. The endless bills.
Go, go go! Don't stop. Put the hurt aside. Keep going.
Day after day after day.
I'm so tired.
Afterwards we stood out side and he lit a smoke. I did the obligatory you shouldn't smoke it will kill you thing. He looked at me and said something surprising. He said, I'm not about to kill myself but if I found out I was going to die I wouldn't be upset either. I was surprised because I felt the same way.
Has anyone seen the suicide stats for males in the 40 - 60 age group? Real high. I get why too. Its the same reason we have a mid life crisis.
Here we are, half way through life and slowly, every day we get stomped down, ground down, pushed down.
We see our friends and loved ones die, we get bullied, belittled, threatened. And all we have to look forward to is years and years of the same thing. Its hard. Hard to be a guy.
We have all these women convinced we are going to rape them, telling us how we are horrible people. We have to be so careful. Women, you should try taking your kids to the park when you are a guy. We see all the sideways glances. Making sure we aren't kidnapping the child or beating them, or molesting them.
Some guys are assholes, we get that. But not all of us.
Then there's the stress. Gotta keep the money rolling in. Gotta support the family, gotta make them all happy. Can't take time off need to keep my job. It pays shit, the boss is an asshole but it keeps the family fed.
Round and round it goes. Day after day. Then your little girl grows up. She used to adore you. Now you just fight. She tells you that you are a bad person. Horrible and mean. And you break some more.
Then your wife gets sick And you break some more. You want to stop. Just stop and get off for a bit.
But you can't you have to stay with her. Be strong in the face of it all.
Then your wife dies. And you break some more.
But you can't you can't stop. Gotta get up. Gotta go to work.
Next day, gotta get up gotta go to work.
Hold it together. Pay the bills. The endless bills.
Go, go go! Don't stop. Put the hurt aside. Keep going.
Day after day after day.
I'm so tired.
Dreams
So, last night I had a dream. I have had a few similar ones.
There was my wife. Smiling at me. She had come back (not exactly possible, she now sits in a box on the mantelpiece). I was trying to explain to her that I had a girlfriend and I was sorry but I needed to have someone to hold, I couldn't bare the loneliness. But she wouldn't listen. Every time I tried to talk to her about it she flitted off. I really wanted to ask her if it was ok to love someone else at the same time. But she wouldn't give me the chance.
I woke up feeling sad, frustrated and a bit like I was cheating on both of them. It's now evening and for some reason its torn me apart all day. I tried to go to work. I just couldn't I sat in the car for so long.
I know its a stage of grief. Doesn't make it easier.
There was my wife. Smiling at me. She had come back (not exactly possible, she now sits in a box on the mantelpiece). I was trying to explain to her that I had a girlfriend and I was sorry but I needed to have someone to hold, I couldn't bare the loneliness. But she wouldn't listen. Every time I tried to talk to her about it she flitted off. I really wanted to ask her if it was ok to love someone else at the same time. But she wouldn't give me the chance.
I woke up feeling sad, frustrated and a bit like I was cheating on both of them. It's now evening and for some reason its torn me apart all day. I tried to go to work. I just couldn't I sat in the car for so long.
I know its a stage of grief. Doesn't make it easier.
So, I got a girlfriend.
When my wife died I went off the rails a wee bit. I was falling into this terrible place. I reached out and started grabbing. I had spent half my life with my wife. Seriously, half, my, life. Through all the ranting and insanity there was one person in particular there who shone like a beacon in the blackness of my torment.
Stitch from Lilo and stitch said it best. I'm going to use his words with a little modification. "Shes little, and broken. But good. Yeah, still good".
Throughout all my grief she has stuck in there with me. It amazes me. She manages to show love (she hates that word) and compassion even when I'm still cut up over my wife. I have never seen a hint of jealousy when I talk about my wife.
Some people were supportive of her. Some were pretty damn hostile.
If any of you out there are unfortunate enough to lose the one you love, reach out. If there's a hand there to hold, grab it and hang on. If there are people who don't support you then they weren't there for you in the first place.
Stitch from Lilo and stitch said it best. I'm going to use his words with a little modification. "Shes little, and broken. But good. Yeah, still good".
Throughout all my grief she has stuck in there with me. It amazes me. She manages to show love (she hates that word) and compassion even when I'm still cut up over my wife. I have never seen a hint of jealousy when I talk about my wife.
Some people were supportive of her. Some were pretty damn hostile.
If any of you out there are unfortunate enough to lose the one you love, reach out. If there's a hand there to hold, grab it and hang on. If there are people who don't support you then they weren't there for you in the first place.
I don't get it
OK. We have a case of a woman wrongly killed. Most people have heard of what happened even if they don't remember her name. Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow was stoned to death in a stadium. Article here: Girl stoned to death. Now what happened to her was terrible. The world was and still is outraged. Killing someone who is innocent never goes down well. The thing is my wife was also killed. True, she wasn't stoned to death in a stadium with a crapload of onlookers. She died due to hospital negligence. But all that happened was a bunch of people went awwww and then they turned and walked away. Some of them offered to stay and help somewhat. But the ones who did offer I didn't feel were strong enough to cope with all of the details. The ones who I did take along with me are all falling by the wayside. They have their reasons. But most people have just walked off. She was killed by them. Its not in my head. I verified it with medical professionals just in case it was in my head. You know, grieving husband looking for someone to blame. But no, its not just me. They really did screw up. Wheres the outrage? Wheres the help?
Just to bring you up to speed....
I took some leave after 1 whole post. It's been a shit of a time internet readers.
So, 18 months ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer. Stage 4. That's the worst one. It was also rapid growing.
Then came a horror story. 10 months of devistation watching my wife die. The hardest part was 6 months in after studying and learning about cancer and asking around I found the cure. Seriously. I found it and it was working.
She got an infection. And the hospital didn't treat it the right way. And she died.
She got an infection. And the hospital didn't treat it the right way. And she died.
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