Its been a hard month

Its been a hard month dear reader. Coping is hard. So hard. When my Polli was dying I put the last of my energy into her instead of working. I was so drained but I kept going. Its amazing how even at the lowest point you can keep dragging yourself up for a bit. I remember going up to the hospital to see her one day and I'm standing there feeling an earthquake. But I look around the room and no one is looking worried. Guess it was just me. Low times then too. The blood noses I was getting too. Not good.

Well, back to this month. After Polli died I had a driver, a purpose. Take on the hospital. It kept me going. It was my goal. I lost. Little old me trying to take on the might of the hospital. I gave it everything. I ripped my psyche to pieces at times. But they got me. It came down to my medical opinion against a Doctors medical opinion. Hes lying, but theres no proof.

So there it was. My reason for keeping on. My reason to get back up to fight. POOF! Gone.

Again, Sharon O'Neils song Maxine

Maxine
You're not the only one
To take the whole world on
No ones ever won.

Its so hard reader. I can't hold down full time work. It's not there to be had anyway. My business is barely moving. Sometimes I can only manage a few hrs a day. Other times I can't even do that. I'm hiding it from everyone. They don't notice how bad it is. Some suspect. My credit cards are going to run out soon. I don't know what comes after that.

And then there's my daughter. I hoped. I wished, she would step up and help after her mother died. But shes so selfish. She just won't help. Before you say to yourself that its a reaction to her mothers death she was like this before she got sick. I just hoped she would change.  She won't go to sleep until late and then won't get up in the morning. Sometimes I cant get her out the door till 10 or even 11am. Shes 10 and home schooled so goes to careers. And she just won't help with housework. I've tried it all. Being nice, asking, begging, screaming and yelling. Nothing. I want us to get along. But she won't help. I want help. I'm so tired and so low. Just a bit of help doing housework. Not everything. Just a bit.

I want to drink a lot tonight but I'm all out of alcohol. Apart from some stuff I'm allergic to. I'm tempted to drink it anyways.

I'm so low. I get the cutters now. I want to feel a blade slicing across my skin. Feel the reality of the pain.

I hear some antidepressants turn you into an unfeeling zombie. I'm tempted there too. Not feeling anything. That would be bliss compared to the pain I feel now.