I think I have PTSD

I think I have PTSD but when did it happen?

Was it sitting in an office as the voice of a police officer said there was an accident? Was it the next day as I helped pick my mother's coffin?

Was it sitting in an office with 2 Dr's and 2 nurses as they explained how my wife will not survive?

Was it sitting beside her as she turned towards me as she took her last breath.

Was it the alcohol I drank trying to numb my brain? I just wanted it to slow down.

Was it the teachers in school telling me over and over in subtle was how stupid I was.

Was it the report cards that were not so subtle 

Was it the bullying? The teachers were worse than the students.

Maybe the nightmares that plague me most nights. The reason I am up in the middle of the night writing shit like this even though I'm so tired I can barely see? I don't want to sleep.

Is it when I found myself utterly alone and finally had to look at myself and dig myself out of my own shit and try to figure out who I was?

Maybe it's having to say thank you to people who say they love what I say while my mind screams at me THEY ARE LYING, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

Is it the fear of the future? I can't see a way out of this hole. Not one that doesn't end with people standing over my coffin at my funeral saying generalized platitudes. 

My soul is weary. 

I think I have PTSD.