Hurting people

 

Yeah, I’ve hurt people. I never like doing it but sometimes in life that’s how it goes. Sometimes you get in a corner and there’s no choice. Sometimes you gotta do it for a promise, sometimes wrongs have to be righted.

I had to stop them. I had to try. My wife wasn’t the first one they had killed. I never knew that at first. No one told me that when I started down that track. My wife made me promise. “If I don’t make it through this, don’t you walk away. You don’t walk away, you stay, and you fight them for what they did to me.” My last promise to her. I’m nothing amazing and I am a total pacifist, but a promise is a promise.

So I gave myself 2 weeks and then I started down the path. I tore myself to pieces. Recounting in detail everything they did that lead to her death. 6 pages. 6 terrible wrenching pages. Some saw what it was doing to me and told me to stop. No, a promise is a promise. No retreat.

“I’m on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell” goes the song. I played it over and over. “Arms wide open I stand alone, I’m no hero and I’m not made of stone.”

They tried, they tried to stop me. They even bought in my therapist to get info from her. Nope, didn’t tell her shit. I know how to walk alone. Done it for so much of my life.

They called me after they got that letter. I could tell the woman had been crying. Good, it made it’s point. She apologised, then I knew it was right, because there’s no way she was allowed to apologise. Wrong side of heaven. Don’t care. Sometimes the Gentleman must be a warrior. Yes Kenny Rogers, Sometimes you’ve gotta fight when you’re a man.

They offered me a meeting. With 2 people not involved in her care. Nope. No. I was taking this all the way, seeing it through. I told them I wanted them all there, all those involved in her care. I am a quiet, autistic, introvert. Didn’t care. I’m no hero. But there comes a time when you must stand. If it was for me I may have folded. But no one does that to mine. So I walked in and faced 10 heads of department and surgeons. I found out later that they think these meetings are a bit of a joke. The person yells a bit, cries and then leaves. No, nope. Not me.

They had one last thing up their sleeve. Almost got me. They were all there waiting for me. Made me sit in that room after they were all comfortable already. Then they told me I was running the meeting. Bastards. Nope. Fuck ‘em. I was prepared anyways. So I simply started talking. I never yelled, never go mad, sure as hell didn’t cry. Over the next 2 hours I carefully slowly, factually tore them to pieces. Was I trying to hurt them? I sure was. With no one else to worry about I didn’t give a shit anymore. I was going for it. I knew I was impacting them when one of the surgeons broke down and started crying.

I couldn’t help my wife. But I managed to make some points. Most people will never know, don’t care, it wasn’t about ego. I have saved lives with some of the changes. Some they refused. But I made a difference. She didn’t die for nothing. And I kept my promise.

Did I damage myself? Yeah. That was mental torture. I faced it pretty much alone. No friends, they would not have coped and I had to focus, couldn’t be pulling them along.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

One day, maybe one day I will get to love again, love like that. I hope so. I hope I never have to go through that end ever again. But you can bet, if I have to, I will. Song just came on, turn the page

I shall remain, The Modern Gentleman.