I tie my shoelaces wrong.

 

I tie my shoelaces wrong.

I have been told by many people the way I tie my shoelaces is odd. Some have tried to show me the “right” way to do it. I’m not changing. It’s how my mother showed me to do it. A little fragment of her lives on in that moment. Yesterday I drove past the place she was killed, 20 years ago. As always I slowed a little, acknowledged the place as I always do.
Sometimes Facebook memories show me parts of my life with my late wife. Some of its fun, nice, some of its harsh and brutal, her death was a terrible way to go. Fragments will remain with me for the rest of my life, good and bad.
I can wander through the house and there are reminders of people, the paintings done by my grandfather. A small marker pen drawing on my porch that I refused to paint over done by someone I am close to even though we don’t talk often.
A few days ago something from my facebook memories came up about my wife. It wasn’t a good reminder and I commented on it. I was told by someone it was time to move forward over her death. The thing is all those past experiences are what bought me up to where I am now. Both good and bad. It’s not about letting go or moving forward. It’s about acknowledging our pasts and building on them. Did I love my mother? Absolutely. Did I love my wife? Totally. I accept their deaths, I acknowledge they are gone and they aren’t coming back. But I refuse to block everything they did, everything they were and every effect everyone who has been in my life has had on me, everyone who has been in my life is a part of who I am.