What the hell happened?

unloveable

Making people feel loved, liked, listened to. Helping so many.

All while unable to accept it for myself.

I am more broken than they are.

They don't know

I am trapped in my own hell

I don't know how to get out.

My late wife used to be annoyed at Buddhist monks telling people the way to enlightenment. "How can you show people the way to enlightenment when you have never been at the bottom yourself." She's right, if you have never had to work hard while worrying about how you are going to pay the bills, to eat, to look after the family, worry about the car breaking down.... How can you tell those people not to worry.

Empathy is more powerful than sympathy. I write difficult things sometimes so people feel less alone. I also hope I can help inspire others. I too have sat at the bottom with no visible way out.

Why am I single

Why am I single?

Hi, I’m Edward and I once had a relationship. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. Both of us felt that.

That relationship is gone forever (she died). I tried again a few times to find something else. I don’t think it can happen anymore. A lifetime of shitty things has pushed me into a hole and I see no way out. Dear reader, I hope you never wind up in this place. I am here from damage. If you are here too then you have my deepest sympathy. I will keep talking and posting to give hope to others. Life can be a place filled with wonder, hope, dreams and most importantly love. I know this, I had it. It was worth it. I have said it before, the only outcome of love is pain, they either die or walk away. Go all out, make sure that the pain is worth it. It was for me.

A sub chooses her dom

I am not a BDSM dom. But, read on. Maybe it will explain a few things to a few people.

“A sub chooses her dom.” It’s something I heard a few years ago. I know a few people will be arguing that statement, but it illustrates a point. There is this incorrect stereotype idea that submissive women are these demure wee things who love to be mistreated. The worst part of that is there are a lot of males out there convinced that is the case so they call themselves “Dom” with no clue as to what one is. Let me tell you this, most subs I have met are hellcats who would damn near scratch your eyes out if you messed with them the wrong way, but sometimes they want to give up this intensity for a little. These women are looking for a strength, a power a.. presence. It’s not about demanding submission but more conducting yourself in a way that she wants to give it to you.

I guess there is this public perception of the D/s (Dom/sub) relationship that it’s all bondage and whips but that is only a small part of the dynamic. I know plenty of subs who are not into pain at all. For so many it’s about a release of themselves into the hands of someone they can trust. Someone who will turn sex from simple pleasure into an experience and will continue to do it over and over and what this entails will be different from person to person. The true Dom understands this and will work, change and adapt to his subs wants and needs. The fake ones simply make demands with no concept of anything more.

“The true master will win submission rather than impose dominance” A true statement that one. She wants to give herself over but it’s a struggle in her mind, she will not simply give herself because you demand it. It’s about how you carry yourself, your attitude, your demeanor, your confidence. I’m not saying you have to be a billionaire who orders his staff around, I’m saying that you need to know when to rise to the occasion, to act, be, speak and strive to be a gentleman. Kindness and softness when required, firmness when needed while simply being yourself. Yes, this can be achieved.
A man who can dine with CEOs of multinational companies one day and sit alone on a graffitied park bench the next. Confidence without the attitude, I guess. I’m not saying perfection is required. It’s ok to be a bit of a shitshow, the good ones are caring, just know when to bring your A game.

Rantings of a madman

I am weary, a fatigue that goes beyond mere tiredness. I would love to offer the answers to life, but I have nothing to really give. I know that I have given and received both kindness and harsh words. I prefer kindness, always. But sometimes life, it can be harsh and we have to give it and take it. Again, I don’t know why, it’s just how it is. I’m just some old guy who once loved and was loved. The world has broken me in so many ways. I don’t know how to stop, I simply get up, over and over. A stubborn old fool who doesn’t know when to stay down. Been doing this for close on half a century. Still getting up. I guess after all this, I have learned a few things. I never fit in with people. Always a bit of an outcast, It gave me an ability to watch life from the outside, an observer. Humans are an odd species, they crave peace but try to achieve it by fighting. We love our sanctuaries of peace, we create them, revel in them yet strive to go and fight every day. Is this simply humans? Are we doomed to be a paradox for eternity? Or are we balanced on a precipice and we are soon a doomed species anyway. In the scheme of the universe we arrive and disappear again in the blink of an eye. Nothing more than a curious, brief blip. Would it be such a bad thing if we no longer existed. Sometimes I wonder about space travel, the idea that someday humans will escape this rock and spread themselves throughout the universe. I’m not sure that would be such a good thing, a plague upon everything. Who knows. Simply random rantings of a madman.

Envy

I know, I know. Jealousy of others is a pointless exercise. My friend has pneumonia and has just come out of hospital. She's at her daughter's place recovering because she is unable yet to do anything herself. And I do feel envy because the last time I had pneumonia my employer said you have no sick leave, and I was forced to keep working. There simply hasn't been people there for me when I get sick. And it's always been like that for me. I remember a few times leaving my daughter with my dying wife in hospice and going into work because I simply didn't have the money to stop. That still hurts. I used to watch a tv show, Doc Martin, a Dr in a small rural fishing village. Some fisherman would get injured and the Dr would tell the man to stop working for 2 weeks. The man would explain that there wasn't the money to stop. "Patch me up doc, I need to go back out tomorrow". The Dr would get so mad. And I've been there. I once had a Dr tell me I had to take 6 weeks off work. I laughed and said, "are you paying my wages? I can't afford to stop. I'll take 2 days and then I'll have to go back". I have carried on working through so much, like the 5 times I have had kidney stones, I had to keep going. Even after my wife died. I was back at work before I had her ashes back. There was no choice. There is no time off for mental issues, I suck it up and keep going because I have no choice.

Then I have to try and remember others. Some would envy my house. It's old, it's a bit of a wreck. But it's still a house. My car is falling apart, but it's still running, others would love that.

My body hurts, I live with chronic pain. But I can still walk and move. Others would think the pain worth it if they could move like that.

I don't know where this is going. I'm tired, I'm broke and I'm stressed to hell.

My anxiety is running so high I'm here in the middle of the night ranting about this shit because I'm avoiding the nightmares when I sleep at the moment.

A day off

My daughter was 3. I could see my wife and her had been couped up together for too long and it was wearing on both of them.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I said, “I’ll take our daughter away for the day, go to all the parks and crappy kid places, you stay home and do nothing, and I mean it on the nothing thing, I’ll make a condition, I do not want to come home to a clean house, you waste the day on whatever things.”
She smiled “deal,” she said.
For a year or so it turned into something I did every couple of months. My daughter had a fun day, my wife got to rest.

Ptsd triggers

Ptsd triggers can come out of nowhere. The hospital just sent me down to get a wheelchair to take my daughter out.

I remembered that the last time I did that was to take my wife to the hospice.

I sitting here concentrating on writing this because I'm not falling apart in front of these people.

It's been 7 years. Can I just get over it now?

The hospital

This week I have to take my daughter into the hospital for some minor work. I know it's nothing major. But I still have to entrust her life to the same people who killed my wife, and there are plenty of things that can go wrong.

I guess if they do kill her then my reason for staying is gone. I will no longer have to remain in this world. No pain, no struggles, no fatigue, no loneliness. Freedom.

No Goals

I have no goals to work towards. Every one of my goals has been smashed into the ground by life.

Any new goals are now unobtainable. I simply don't have the money or the health.

So here I am. Simply being alive in this world. A pointless existence. I survive. I no longer live.

So many terrible people at the moment.

I don't like humans.

I don't want to be here.

Staying for my daughter. No other reason.

According to science

According to science.....

Don’t eat meat because your body cannot digest it easily

Don’t eat fruit or vegetables because plants cause inflammation, a plants only defense is to poison people

Don’t eat butter, the fats are bad for you

Don’t eat margarine, its practically plastic

Don’t eat eggs, they contain traces of salmonella now.

Vegetable oils are all rancid

Flour is poison because of modern refining processes

Gluten is plain “the enemy”

Tomatoes are particularly bad as they are nightshade family

Sugar causes cancer and obesity.

Milk contains bad enzymes, and pasteurization makes it very bad for you

Alcohol causes liver damage

Fagility of life

Humans are such fragile creatures and things can change dramatically for them in an instant.
I came to this conclusion a couple of days ago while laying headfirst, upside down in a mountain stream having slipped, fallen and bashed my head against a very hard rock.
But we all have responsibilities and the people I took up there needed to get back home. So, I reached out blindly and found enough to grip and pulled myself up.

Be careful out there everyone. It doesn’t take a lot to wind up in a difficult situation.

Tales of a Modern Gentleman updated

Tales of a Modern Gentleman.

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.

“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.

“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”

“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.

“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”

“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“

They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said. “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.”

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”

“What’s, what’s going on?” She felt darkness closing behind her, compelling her to move forward.

The Gentleman tried to smile, but there was sadness in his eyes. “Welcome to hell.”

A hundred thoughts crossed her at once. Finally she got out “How?” He glanced at her arms. They were bare and she realized he could see all the scars. She tried to fold her arms in an effort to hide them. He spoke, a voice full of kindness “looks like you had a bit of a difficult time.” She felt tears welling up. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, living hurt so much” He smiled again and said gently, “It’s ok, sometimes life gets a bit much.”

She realized she had been walking with him unconsciously moving forward through the gates.

Suddenly something stepped out of the shadows, a shape, almost formless, she was instantly filled with dread. She stopped, frozen. The Gentleman stepped forward and cut it down with his sword.

“What the hell was that?” She would have yelled but the terror made her almost squeak it out.

“Your demons,” he said “I’m guessing you have a few, it’s ok, lets keep going, you don’t need to face them alone.”

She simply nodded and they carried on. More stepped out, the gentleman each time stepped forward and cut each one down. After some time it almost became mundane. “Why don’t they attack,” she said. He shrugged, “they don’t, they are simply thoughts of dread and loathing.”

He produced another sword and handed it to her. “You, you want me to attack them?” She stammered. “Try it,” he said “I’ll be here.” No sooner than she took the sword another appeared, she swung and cut it in half. She stood, stunned as it melted into nothingness. She gripped the sword and strode forward cutting down another one. And another, and another.

The gentleman was hanging back, she stopped and went back to him. “Thank you,” She said. He simply nodded. “will you be staying with me?” she asked. He shook his head. “I’m here so long as you need me.” She nodded, “can I keep the sword?” He smiled, “Of course”

Another shape stepped out, she cut it down and they carried on. After a time she stopped, “is it just me or are they getting smaller and weaker?” she asked. “You have the power over them, the more you realize it the less they will be there.” She thought about this for a bit. “I don’t think I need you any more, I can do this.” He smiled that sad smile of his, “that’s great,” He said.

So, what happens now she said? “Well, you carry on and things get better and easier, and I will go back, there are more who need me to travel with them for a little.”

“Why are you here?” She asked.

“I lost my shield maiden, She’s not here, I know. but, when I found myself here I decided to help others, in her memory, and because I know it’s simply the right thing to do.”

“Thank you” She said, “for me and for all the others.” The gentleman smiled. “I wish you well.” He turned and walked back the way the had come.

The gentleman looked over at the group. He was weary, so weary, but he lit a lantern stood and moved towards them.

The women stood in the darkness. In silence. None of them spoke. They watched warily as he approached. He stopped before he got to them. He nodded knowingly. “Come this way.” They followed him, wordlessly, heads bowed. After some time walking in silence one of them spoke. “I’m so sorry, but, where are we?”

The gentleman stopped, turned, and said “you are in hell.” One of the other women spoke up in a voice not much more than a whisper “But, I was good, I never spoke out of place.” The modern gentleman smiled softly. “I know, your voices were stifled for so long, you lost them.”

They carried on walking for a way. The first woman spoke up, louder this time “It was bullshit.” Another woman “yeah,” then more of them, a chorus of “yeah, and screw them, and more.”

The women were talking amongst themselves, voices getting louder and more excited. The gentleman stopped and extinguished his lamp. “Why are you putting out the light?” one of the women asked. “Look around you” The gentleman said. “As you find your voices so you find the light, keep talking, say what you need to say and then let no one ever dim your lights again.”

The women looked around. Seeing the beginning of a new dawn. “Thank you,” one of them said. The gentleman nodded. “Carry on.” he said. Be yourselves, and nothing less. He turned and started back the way he had come. “Aren’t you coming with us?” one of them asked. He shook his head. “No, this is not my lot right now. I have others to help.” They watched as he disappeared down the path and talked amongst themselves.

The gentleman looked. He couldn’t see her at first. Just an outline on the ground, surrounded by darkness. He took his lantern and wandered over, without saying a word, he sat down beside her. She realized after a bit that he was there but continued to lay there. After a while longer she looked up and over to him. “Am I in hell?” she asked through tear filled eyes. “Yeah,” he said softly.

“Good” she replied. “It’s over.” He nodded in acknowledgement and she lay back down. These were the hardest ones. A lot of time and patience was needed. And as he sat, he wondered if anyone noticed that while he saved everyone else, he too was trapped here.

I help so many people move past hyper independence.

They don't notice I am worse than they are.

Society

Some days I look at this thing we call “society” and I simply despair. Humans spend so much time trying to shove their agendas on others. Sometimes by force. Beliefs, relationships. Sometimes people trample over others simply for money.

I will continue to be me, just sitting here in my little corner. But sometimes, I want off this rock so badly. I’m so tired of being here.

Can’t we just be a little kinder to each other? Show thoughtfulness and compassion to others?

Safe

I’m sitting in a school today, the teachers are off on strike. There’s me and a few women. The office lady and a teacher aide or two. They are discussing how long they are going to stay before going home. The office lady says “I’ll stay as long as Ed is here, then I’ll head off.” What she said next got my attention “I don’t think I’ll stay after he goes as I don’t feel safe on my own.” The other woman nodded in agreement “Yeah, I think I’ll go then too.”

At various times I have had teachers ask if I’m coming onto work during the holidays so they can come in at the same time as they feel safer.

I find it sad that we still live in a world like this.

Death, toys and impermanance

My grandmother is dying. She's not expected to last the week. I'm slightly sad but not really that upset. She moved to another city a long way away and I haven't been able to see her in quite a number of years.

I think a part of that was because I learned not to get attached to things. My father was in the habit of throwing out or giving away my toys when he felt it was time for them to go. I think I only have one childhood toy left. A ceramic toy given to me at my christening. My step mother had it for a while, I was told she intended on keeping it until she found out that it was practically worthless, at which point it found it's way back to me. Somewhere I think I may have a couple of books too.

Things and people come and they go in life, nothing is permanent is it. I also grew up in a town with a lot of temporary workers. It was not unusual to come back to school in the new year and find friends were suddenly gone with no warning. You were sad for a moment, shrugged and carried on. Not that I had that many close friends anyways.

My father did teach me some good things. I had a strong work ethic. He used to run training courses, one of them they built a hot house, It took 7 of them 8 hours to ram in the posts for the first side. The trainees went home at 4pm. My father and I carried on. With the 2 of us working hard we were able to do the other side in 3 hours. Dinner was usually at 6pm, he asked my mother when she came to check on us if she could keep it on the oven, as we didn't want to stop. I had no problem with that either. It was a job that needed doing and we did it.

I find it hard with my chronic fatigue, I can't work like that anymore. feels like I'm failing at life. It is what it is I guess.

Break out of your programming

My entire childhood I was told I was stupid. I was told I would never amount to anything. I was barely able to read or write. Thats what I was told all through school. 11 years of being the dumb kid. for the next 25 years it was so ingrained into me I believed it. Then, I started writing. Not many people took notice, I wasn't surprised because I was "stupid." But I kept going anyway. Slowly, slowly people started to listen to what I had to say. I'm no household name but I have over 200,000 followers. The royalty payments from my books aren't huge yet, but I still get them.

Sometimes you have to break out of your programing and change your story, no matter how hard it is to do so.

My Movie

Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?
-Jim Morrison

Roll up, roll up. Come see the show.

The crowd filed into the seats and waited with popcorn

The curtains opened and the movie began.

First came the early times, Bullying, belittling, the torture of a soul that was a misfit in a world that didn’t tolerate one. He tried so hard to fit.

The audience sat, sad, but unable to fully relate to the depth.

Then elation as he found someone.

Quickly followed by the sudden death of his mother.

The downward spiral as they lost a child, and their home.

Then upward as they rebuilt again.

The resilience of the two who had found each other, in all trials they stuck together, kept each other going.

Until she got cancer.

Until the Drs refused any more than “palliative care” from the outset.

Until they made mistake after mistake

Until she died.

Finally. All of the past hit. And he broke.

Dragging himself. Alone, through the accumulated mud and shit that had been thrown at him.

Wading, swimming, pushing through it all.

The audience looked on, stuffing popcorn into their mouths. Trying to relate.

Some laughed, others cried, some got mad. Others were unable to turn away from the trainwreck happening in slow motion.

Many simply walked out.

Walk away, I am beyond help

Caring women

The women in my life would rather see me die on my horse than drop off.

-Some random guy in a book store

I wish I could find someone with that nurturing, caring side. A lifetime of battles has taken its toll. My mind and body are not doing well. C-PTSD combined with a liver and kidneys permanently on the brink of failure. Doesn’t make me much of a catch. Maybe one day someone will see beyond the broken man. Someone looking for kindness instead.

One day. Maybe.

Experience

Years ago I played a video game. I can’t even remember it’s name.

In the game you built a shelter and after a random amount of time a storm would come through and wipe out the shelter and you had to start again from nothing. Over and over I rebuilt and refined the shelter until it could withstand the storms.

I just want to remind you, if you lose everything and have to start over you aren’t doing it from nothing because this time you have experience and no matter how many times you get knocked down, each time you have more experience.

Chess and the importance of losing.

My grandfather loved chess, he played it every day and had 3 chess computers (he said each one had a different play style). Sometimes I would visit and we would have a game or two. He never held back and trashed me every single time. Game after game, he was unbeatable. No, I never got good enough to beat him, he went to his grave unbeaten. But I’m glad he never held back, because with every defeat I learned, and when I played others I improved more and more and so I was difficult to beat too.

Not all losses are bad, get the lesson from them, learn, and use your knowledge to become better.

Annoyed

Ever get mad with yourself for not being over things you should be over?

I just sat down with one of the hospice nurses who was there when my wife died. No, I’m not sitting in a corner rocking. I’m about to carry on with work. But I still feel a sadness there. And I’m annoyed, because it was over 6 years ago.

love will hurt

There is only one possible outcome of love. That's pain. No matter what, you are gonna get hurt. What's worse is the more love you have the more you will get hurt.
But, if you shy away from it you will miss all the good things, the things that make the pain worth it.
I have loved so well that the hurt feels like it will never leave me. It's stained me to the core. And let me tell you, it was worth it. I don't know if it could happen again, maybe. What I can say is if I was given the choice to do it again, knowing the outcome, I would, I would do it once more.
I would not walk away from the deepest of love.

Her birthday

Don’t be sad. This is not a sad post.

Today would have been my wife’s birthday. I would have had a day out planned, we would have done her favorite things, gone to favorite places. Or done something new, there would have been cake, with candles.

And I don’t want you to be sad that it’s gone.

I want you to know that I had that. I was the lucky one who had someone that let me dote on her on those special days. I got her a small bunch of flowers on valentines day, I made her breakfast in bed and took her out on mothers day. I don’t care that it was commercial crap. I did it and I loved doing it. Sure, I cared for her on all the other days too. But an excuse to go all out was great.

Nothing lasts forever. I will never have that again. Maybe one day I will have something else. Maybe there will be similar things. Who knows, que sera sera, what will be will be.

But don’t be sad that I lost it. Be happy for me, because I had it.

my blood pressure pills

Tonight dear reader I had to make a difficult choice. My health is never good and one of my problems is high blood pressure. I have pills but there are side effects. I'm on my 3rd type and this one causes extreme fatigue, weight gain and depression. I stopped taking them and my mood is better, the fatigue was starting to improve and I started losing weight.

My blood pressure is hitting dangerous levels. Tonight I made the difficult decision to take the pills again. I have an urgent GP booking that was made last year which in New Zealand means mid January. Regular bookings were not until March at the earliest.

I'm sitting here tonight a few hours after taking that pill and I can feel the depression seeping in already. I'll try to post good stuff but if I'm shitposting a bit, I apologize now. I'm heading for a dark place. The choice is go there or possibly have a stroke. Sometimes we have little choice. I'm not going to make my daughter an orphan. She's the only reason I stay in this world.

I can hear Polli in my mind saying "ya gotta do what ya gotta do." Haven't heard her in my mind in a long time.

We never want to be depressed but sometimes it cannot be avoided.

Balanced new years wishes

Well, the new year has arrived here in New Zealand. I tried to write something deep, some nights it just isn’t there.

Be good to one another ok? Simple as that. We are all going through shit and a little kindness goes a long way. I’m not saying become a doormat for the ungrateful though. Know that there are limits to giving. And, Importantly, don’t forget yourself. Give to yourself too.
Love, give to those closest to you with zero expectations but also remember that too is a two way street.
Balance in all things I guess.
Don’t forget to enjoy the moments in life. And take photos because sometimes the photos are all that will remain, but don’t forget to live in the moments too, I see people missing amazing moments because they are too busy recording it.
Balance again.
You know, there it is.
I wish you all a well balanced 2023. May you give and receive all that you need.

One day at a time

One day at a time.

It’s all we can really do isn’t it?

I was going to write about loving those closest to us because you never know when they suddenly won’t be there anymore. I was going to write it because a mom just lost her young daughter yesterday.

We all know someone or are that someone who lost someone close suddenly.

20 years ago, I still remember going from sitting at work to sitting in an office while a police officer says “there has been an accident” to helping pick my mothers coffin.

Really, what is there to say, all we can do is take one day at a time, (not that we have any choice)

And love those closest to us as best we can.

The only sure thing in life is death and sometimes hell is right here on earth.

Sometimes less effort is better.

I used to loathe Christmas. Hated it with a passion.

For a number of years I worked in retail. From the start of December we weren’t given a single day off. We would work 24 days straight. The last 3 nights before xmas eve was midnight opening. So it was 8am until we finished cashing up about 30mins past midnight. Christmas in New Zealand is in summer, it is hot, so shopping consisted of women dragging around overtired, overheated screaming toddlers. I always felt so sorry for them, both mum and kid. I would also see people going into debt for years to buy presents for kids.

When Christmas day rolled around I spent most of it sleeping from sheer exhaustion.

Well, I got out of retail and then got a wife and a child. Then came a new hell. We wound up with 5 places to visit in one day. Of course everyone wanted us there for either lunch or dinner so we would switch who we visited at what time each year. That used to piss them off. Then we would say, we have so many people to visit we can only stay for 1 hour and then we HAVE to go. We would arrive for the meal and it was never ready on time. Packing a screaming hungry kid into the car just as the food was due to be dished up sucked. One Christmas we ended up eating lunch at a gas station.

Then one year I got a kidney infection, it struck first thing in the morning. It was bad, I spent the day in bed vomiting and in severe pain. But, you know what? It was so peaceful. I realized it was one of the best Christmas days I had in years.

That’s when I said no more. All I can ever do is upset people at Christmas so I’m not participating. I refuse to go out. Were people annoyed? Yup, did they try to pressure me into going out? You bet. But no matter what I did they were going to be upset so it no longer mattered.

Christmas day is now spent at home, we have some good food, pre purchased, I do minimal cooking though. My daughter gets a few presents and it’s so relaxed. Some people visit, others don’t. I tell people if they are feeling stressed about visiting everyone they are free to give us a miss, we won’t be upset, we understand.

And you know? I’m starting to enjoy Christmas again. I talk to my daughter, tell her if she want’s we will go out. She tells me she used to hate Christmas too. But now, she likes it as well and loves staying home.

As I said, sometimes less is better.

I'm Tired

I’m tired.

It’s been years of nothing but fighting.

Trying to keep my damaged body working

Trying to keep by broken family going

Trying to earn enough money

I’m tired of horrible people

I’m tired of being poor

I’m tired of being tired

I’m tired of being alone

I’m tired of people

I’m tired of the wrong people winning

I’m so damn tired of trying to survive

Some days are difficult

Some days are difficult, in those days we survive, live to see another day.

And that’s ok. I guess the good thing about the hard days is the ability to know it’s shit. Because at least we know we deserve more, we deserve better.

Today was simply a difficult day. I was not ok, but I will be ok and that’s ok.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, maybe it won’t but at least there is still hope for better times.

I know I haven’t written this well. Some days are simply off days.

Why The Modern Gentleman and not simply The Gentleman?

Let me give you an example. It was the done thing where the man would sleep closest to the door, as the protector from anyone who may enter. What I have found though, is she has problems feeling trapped. So, I changed, I sleep furthest from the door. Even when she feels completely safe, let her feel better knowing theres always a way out.

I’m lucky enough to be able to put it up another notch, I sleep under the window and my dog sleeps closest to the door, no one can enter that room while she sleeps without either of us knowing.

A big deal.

I'm watching two people have an argument about a post on facebook.

One is saying how he's so much bigger on there so clearly he's a big deal. He has 2,000 followers.

I have 200,000 followers. Why don't I feel like a big deal?

Sometimes I get frustrated with my mind. I know things are in there that just won’t come out.

I guess a lifetime spent being told I was too stupid to write. It ingrains into you. Be careful what you project onto kids, it gets stuck in their minds, can’t get out. Sometimes I used to sit, willing words to come out, there was nothing. Sometimes theres blocks, even now.

I’m sitting here talking shit, trying to get things to flow. Not working.

Brené Browns Listening to shame TED talk

This morning I was sent a link to a TED talk, I was listening to it, not that closely until it got to one piece, I stopped it, went back and listened to it intently, then one more time. I’m sitting here going yes, yes, this, but wondering how I explain it. The harshest criticism in my life has come from women, I am the protector, I know this and would always step up when the time comes. But men get tired too, and when we falter, it’s not so easy. I have been yelled at for being sick. I have been laughed at for being depressed. Men are expected to be unwavering and we are pushed into never faltering. Go, go, go. Be everything, never be weak. Push ourselves until there is nothing left, then get up and push some more. Until we can’t. And then we die, because we can’t take the shame of failing.

Brené Browns Listening to shame TED talk:

For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."

And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Triggers

It’s been a hard few days dear reader. My health has taken a bit of a nose dive and it’s proving difficult to get it sorted. Theres a number of stressors that aren’t helping either. Yesterday I had to head for the hospital for a blood test. There is only one in the area, the one where they killed my wife. Sometimes I’m fine going in there. Other times, not so fine. Its difficult because sometimes I have to walk past the people who killed my wife. They don’t even know who I am.

The wait was an hour in a packed room. I had to sit there sucking it up, the only unmasked person in amongst 20 masked, I could feel the glares, saw the stares.
I don’t know, it just got to me yesterday.

Then I had to act normal for the rest of the day when all I wanted to do was hide. Work had to be done, messages answered. But I’m a man, I have to suck it up. Pretend I was ok when I wasn’t. Almost posted twice on Modern Gentleman but deleted it soon afterward.

I’ll probably delete this soon too.

I survived another day

I survived another day.

Maybe one day I will live another day.

But today I survived.

I sat in a hospital waiting room, the same hospital with the Drs who killed my wife.

Hoping I wouldn’t have to see or walk past one of the Drs who killed her.

I sat in that room with about 20 others all wearing masks, I wasn’t, I had my exemption at the ready, no one asked, but I felt their glares.

And I sat, for almost an hour until they called my name.

By then I was dehydrated. They put the needle in and fished around, no blood.

Thankfully I had a vein in the other arm that was still good.

Sometimes I’m ok in that place, other times. Not so.

Of course no one knew, I’ll stand in the face of adversity and smile, never show weakness to them.

Was a difficult day to be alive after that. Triggers are hard to shake off. Moreso when I am sick.

But here I am.

I survived another day.

Maybe one day I will live another day.

How long before you move forward

I think I should attempt to answer an unanswerable question. Partly because I'm having a PTSD induced time right now and I'm having a work avoidance moment because of it.

I have seen the question before, people who have been in shitty relationships for 20 or more years saying its been over a year, when will I move past it.

OK, first, some parts of trauma stay with us for the rest of our lives but the question I think that is really being asked is what is the average time before you lift your head up, and really start to move forward. It's sure different for everyone but I would say, a lot of the time its 5 years. I'm not saying you will be feeling great in 5 years, this is a point where the healing has got to a stage where you feel like you can step back into the world.

So if it's been a year or 2 years and you are still feeling like shit, thats ok, it's normal.

Fuck, why am I even posting this? Reality is I'm in a PTSD meltdown over something minor and its been 6 years.

I'm a big fucking mess some days.

Safewords

I'm seeing negative talk about safewords. Thing is, there is an important need for communication and a woman must feel free to be able to say this is too intense, dial it back, or something is wrong and we need to stop completely. If she wants to use safewords then she should feel free to use them. If she simply says stop then that should also be enough.

Early in a relationship things will be explored and she will need to say hey, this was good or this wasn't.

Women have told me plenty of times to dial back, because something was too intense or didn't feel right, and seriously, they are all different. I'm no Dom so it's nothing to do with that. It's about exploring and finding what works and what doesn't.

This has nothing to do with ego and everything to do with communication. Not just in bed but with everything. So, yeah, women have asked me to stop, and I think it's a good thing.

women are nurturers looking for a protector

Women are nurturers looking for a protector.

I know, I've said that before.

Let's look at that part more closely on what they are looking for. While every woman has different levels of what protector means to them, at a base level that's what so many want. I'll slip in here that sometimes if she's had a broken childhood she's moved from looking for a protector to trying to fix that broken person because she couldn't do it as a child. That's a topic for another day.

The main person who made minecraft said what he hated about being rich is he didn't know if they loved him or loved his money. Thing is, having money means he's a better protector, he is more desirable.

Why do women like manly, rugged men? Again, protector, strong enough to get things done and protect her if needed.

Get it? She wants to feel safe.

A group of researchers wanted to know why women are less likely than men to be homeless. After the earthquakes in Christchurch New Zealand they spent some time checking in homeless levels as that was a portion of the population who were displaced due to a sudden lack of shelter. Again they found less homeless women than men. They found that women would basically adjust their standards and find a male who would normally be less desirable.

Desire in protection.

A heritage weekend and permissions

We hadn’t been together long. It was a big weekend in our city, people from all over the place were there for a huge heritage festival. We had just finished looking at the classic cars and had stopped to grab some food for the evening, her phone dinged, she looked down and exclaimed excitedly “my friends bought their car to town and want to meet up with me, do you have anything planned?”
“Nope,” I said, “nothing interesting, where are they? I can drop you off. “ she told me where they were and I took her to them. I said, “do you need a ride home later or will you be dropped off?” Her friend looked at me and she said “we can take her for a drive and drop her home later, that’s if you give your permission of course”

She said later she loved my response, which was to get confused and switch into aspie mode for a moment. “Why would she need my permission? She does whatever she wants, so long as I can understand what’s happening so I can have it in my mind I’m good.”

I forgot about her ex, being controlling. Narcs are like that. Give her freedom, another gift.

Loving a shattered woman is not hard

“Loving a shattered woman is hard, so much baggage”

I call bullshit. Loving her takes a bit of time. Time is one of the best, free gifts you can give her. Simply sit and listen. Never push, just listen, Pretty soon she’s going to tell you all sorts of things. How she was hurt, what triggers her and why.

Now, your man systems will want to kick in, you want to do things, things that will fix her. That’s what we do, we fix things. You need to understand, you are fixing things, you are making her feel heard, you are giving her the space to let things out she had bottled up.

Another thing, after a string of assholes, she’s going to be so awesomely appreciative of little things. Ask how her day went, cook her dinner, buy her that favorite wine she told you about a week ago, she’s going to melt.

Get her to talk about “the ex” sometimes, find out the things “he” never did and do them. If she says “he never once got me flowers” then go buy flowers, but don’t just buy them, have them sent to her at work so all the other women can see them and be jealous, she’s gonna carry those out at the end of the day like it was the biggest trophy ever.

Listen to stories of her childhood, maybe there was some toy she always wanted. Indulge her, find that toy on ebay and buy her one, the original.

I guess what I am saying is small gestures go a long way when they have never had them before.

1,000 cuts can kill.

I can’t tell you what’s worse. Sitting in an office while a police officer tells you there’s been an accident, jump to the next day and you are helping to pick your mothers coffin.

Or sitting beside your wife, exhausted, after the two of you battled her cancer. Holding her hand as she slips away, unable to do anything but watch.

Maybe it’s the what ifs, what if my mother had been even 30 seconds later and that car wouldn’t have hit her. What if my wife hadn’t trusted the dr who starved and dehydrated her for 2 days before declaring her too far gone to help now.

Maybe it was driving her to the hospice knowing it was a one way trip.

Maybe it was that time I held my cat down as the vet injected him, damn he fought, but part of his face was gone, there was no saving him. Got him when I was around 3, killing him at 14 was hard.

Maybe it was a teacher as a child who stood me up in front of his class and screamed at me while 30 kids laughed, who finally broke me when he hit me in the head with my books.

Maybe it was a childhood lived in fear, walking on eggshells because I knew what that sadistic teacher was like.

Maybe it’s all the people who told me over and over how stupid I was until I believed them.

Maybe it was all of the above combined.

Be kind to the quiet, awkward guy in the corner. He’s been through more than you know, a lot more.

A single cut hurts but it won’t kill you, but 1,000 small cuts might.

Goals?

I'm lost, a rudderless ship.

Goals? I survive. Not live, survive.

I see no outcome, no achievement.

Just survive, another day, another week, another month.

I see no way out of this.

The world turns, it goes to shit and I'm going down, holding on for all I can

Today I survived.

I want to live.

I'm too broken for that.

What the hell is living anyways?

Fuck knows anymore.

Seems pointless.

Movies

Movies are such a big thing in society. It fascinates me how people often get annoyed that I haven't seen a lot of "classic" movies.

A few of the movies I have never seen.

Die hard

Terminator

Gremlins

The new Spiderman movies

I think I haven't seen all the star wars movies either

I have only seen the first 2 harry potter movies (maybe 3)

Hocus Pocus 1 or 2

Have fun going WHAAAAT!?!?!?!

A New Job

I just applied for a new job.

I am freaking the hell out and feel a little sick.

Que Sera Sera

What do I want to do?

I’m 48 and I don’t know what I want to do in this world.
I thought it was operating heavy machinery. I got all the licences, I can drive the biggest trucks allowed on the road. But my body decided otherwise.

I thought retail, I can sell things and I love electronics. So I sold tvs and stereos. I hated it, flogging electronics to people who couldn’t really afford them. Dealing with pissed off asses, it was not something I could do, it burned me out.

So, I thought it was being an IT specialist. I learned all I could, won nationwide awards, got on the cover of a magazine. After 22 years I think I’m running a losing race, my clients are cutting my budgets more and more, I’m losing out to nationwide chain stores. I can’t survive much longer.

So, I thought an author, for 3 years I have poured everything into it. It has a lot of ups, some real downs. But it doesn’t pay my bills.

So, here I am. I’m 48 and I don’t know what to do with my life.