Stopping

 Thursday night was odd. I finished work, did all my paperwork and sat. I realized I was done for the week, with a long weekend (easter) and it felt odd to stop. I wonder if part of my fatigue is that I really don't stop. There is always housework, and regular work, emails, messages everything happening. It's rare that I stop. 

Low key praise

 

A number of years ago I was called into a job. The computer network was going nuts and unusable, other specialists had failed to find the fault. After a number of hours, I was able to locate the cause. I wandered off to management and told them everything was fine. It was during a staff meeting. The whole room erupted in applause and thanks.

20 years later I still remember that horrific moment.

I love praise but moments like that terrify me. Even someone close to me, I have zero clue how to react. I spent so many years with so little praise it’s a foreign thing to me. But I love it even still.

So, what do you do with someone who loves praise but has a problem with it? I had to sit down and think about it for a bit and the answer is fairly simple. Keep doing it, but low key. Also do it in a way that does not solicit a response.

For example, if they cook dinner, walk out with the plates, “that was great” as you walk out.

Maybe they buy you a favorite food. “wooo, I love these” as you tuck into it.

Staring at them “wow, you are the greatest, I love you so much” is eliciting a response and it becomes awkward.

The ego of a man

 

I have discovered an awesome new range of feminine hygiene products. The ultimate in comfort.

Ok, now I have scared off the men……

I’ll let you into a secret. The most sensitive thing on a man isn’t his balls, it’s actually his ego. He won’t admit it because hes tough you know. If you constantly put a guy down or complain about what hes doing he will give up. He will stop. Then he will drift away.

Fill him with praise, boost his ego, and watch him start to move mountains for you.

What does a woman want, How do you become attractive

 

What does a woman want?

 

She will tell you it’s loyalty, honesty, openness and it’s true, these are the things she wants. But this is what she wants in a relationship. These are not things that will have her attracted to you in the first place.

Things that will attract a woman.

Grooming, she wants someone with a good haircut, a man who can dress well.

Fitness, someone who works to keep himself in good condition. Not necessarily meaning huge muscles and working out at the gym. But able to walk a short distance without dying.

Slightly aloof. She wants a challenge. Someone who comes at her with everything they have will drive her away.

Good at making things. Seriously, if you can knock out the odd bit of DIY and or yardwork, shes going to be into that.

Confidence, if you are confident in who you are and what you do, that’s gonna be like a magnet to her.

Intelligence, she wants a man who can carry a good conversation.

Humor, she wants to laugh with someone.

You don’t have to be all of these things all of the time. You don’t even need to be all of those things ever. But these are traits many women find attractive.

Despair Demon

 

The despair demon looked at me through slitted eyes.

“I have shown you your deepest hurt. Yet you smile, “it hissed.

“Thank you” I said. “It’s been a while since I saw my wife, and it was great to see my mother again”.

“But, seeing them again should have broken you” It almost howled.

I spoke gently, “Oh demon, I know illusions and I know reality. I accepted their passing long ago. It hurts, true, but it happened. And you know. I would have done it again. I don’t regret that love. All things come to pass”.

The demon was shrinking back, as if it was in pain. “Human, I will simply show you more, more of the truth of your life”.

“Go ahead” I replied “I have already been through it all and faced it, many, many times. You think I haven’t replayed it all, over and over again”?

The demon was scared now. “What are you?”

“Simple” I said. “I am me.”

Feisty

Feisty women are a lot of fun. Until they boil over and you end up in their path. 

It's difficult when you are this introverted and they come out swinging, at anything. 

I don't think I want another relationship again. 

But it's lonely. 

I'm lost. 

I'm not made for this world. 

I don't think I'm made for any world. 

Labels can be good

 

People often talk about how putting a label on trauma or mental health issues is damaging. People don’t talk about how positive it can be. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that one of my issues has a name, it’s a thing, it has… A label. And it didn’t make me feel bad. It made me know I was not alone, it allowed me to say to myself “it’s ok, others have this too”. I meant I could look it up and see it was a thing. Theres no “cure” but that’s ok. I don’t need one.
Just. I am not alone, it’s not just me. This label was liberating.

Honesty

 

We hadn’t been together long. My wife cooked dinner, and the potatoes were a little burned. I told her they were fine. She had anosmia so she has very little sense of taste. But she detected something. “They are burned aren’t they”? She had me fixed with one of her looks. “Yeah, they are a bit” I admitted. She looked at me, a bit mad “Then why did you keep eating them”? “Well, you put that effort into cooking them and I didn’t want you to feel bad” I tried to explain. “I never want you to put up with it again, because that’s dishonest. I want us to always be honest in this relationship, always.”

And that is why I always told her if the food wasn’t right. Because she wanted honesty above all else, in everything.

Lying

 I was in my 40's before I found out most men lie about their prowess in bed. 

Women are missing out

 

There is sex and there’s fucking a moist hole. Someone said that to me 30 years ago and I never forgot it. I have been lucky enough to have had some very open conversations with women over the years, I guess if they know I am safe and don’t judge they can open up. I’m so glad I was able to have those conversations. I learned a lot. I hope they did too. It’s surprising how many women have only experienced the latter. They have missed out on a whole new world. I am on a couple of singles pages in New Zealand and anytime I post something that even hints at sex the women get mad, the hate gets piled on. I find it sad. They don’t see or understand the depths of intimacy they are missing. We have bodies that are capable of such highs from sex and so many people are clueless as to what they are missing.

50th birthday

 

Some days are just going to suck. I have spent the past 3 days building a complicated spreadsheet, I’m about 2/3rds done. I am doing it because a large company has dumped me right in the crap, along with about 100 others who are also scrambling to deal with the fallout of what they have decided to do. I will be doing all this work for free. Deadlines for completion are looming so I’m going as hard as I can manage. It’s causing headaches and eyestrain despite frequent breaks. I’m exhausted and I will have to keep pushing longer yet.
And that is how I’m spending my 50^th birthday.

Spending money

 

I have spent the past few years running on a shrinking income, now I’m at the point of survival rather than living.

Anyways, I was given a small sum of money recently and I was able to take some and spend it on myself. Nothing extravagant, some secondhand parts for my PC that I didn’t really need. More of a want. 2 weeks later I still feel guilty spending money on myself with no way to justify that expenditure. Even though a week later I took my daughter to a dinosaur exhibition that cost double what I spent on myself.

We get it so ingrained when we are in survival mode that anything but essentials for ourselves is a terrible thing.

One day I hope I can afford to break out of that mentality.

 

Experience

Someone once said no man should be considered a real dom until they were over 40 because they lacked the life experience. A bunch of 20 and 30 year olds are probably bristling at that.

This is not a piece about Doms though. Thinking back, 20 year old me had more confidence, but arrogance and a lack of experience came with it. It’s taken 30 years of learning about women since then for my current level of understanding. I don’t profess to know everything or say I’m perfect. But I do know a lot more about life, about women, about sex.
Yes, I know, some hit 50 and never learn. Some have though. Some take the time to learn and understand. I wonder if that’s the appeal of older men. They have the experience that cannot be found in youthfulness. Then again, older men have been hurt more. Makes then harder, more withdrawn.
Just random musings. Something that needs more thought sometime.

 Scrolling through here and realize how many times I have repeatedly said the same thing lately. 

Fucked up brain too. 

Cant remember shit. 

Being alive

 I'm going to level with you. 

I loathe being alive. 

There, I said it. 

My body is in pain, always in pain, it never goes away. 

Add chronic fatigue syndrome. Everything is so hard to do. 

My business is trash, I don't have it in me to fix it. 

I don't get enjoyment out of life. 

The only reason I stay is for my daughter and dog. 

With out them I would exit. 

A pathetic end to a pathetic life. Fuck the world.

Choose something you like and don’t be good at it.

 

I play video games, badly.

I’m not some crazed person who plays 8 hours at a time. I try to play an hour a day, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, I like them, but I am terrible at them. I play on the easiest settings possible. This is a good thing though. You see, I only want it to be fun, if I am bad and intend to stay that way then there is no pressure to be good. I get to simply have fun. Nothing more.

So, if you have a hobby and you aren’t very good at it. Then embrace that fact. Do it for no reason other than to enjoy it, not to be good.

tired

I'm tired of being alive.

I'm always in pain. 

The chronic fatigue syndrome, it wears me down.

Struggle to earn money. 

There's nothing much to enjoy anymore.

A world full of colors has turned to Grey  

It's loud, full if selfish humans. 

I have an obligation to my daughter. I stay alive for her. All while my mind screams in frustration. 

New Years

Well, somehow, I survived another rotation of this rock around the sun. It hasn’t been the worst year, but I can’t say it’s been that great either. I think this was a year where I can simply say I survived. A year of growing, a year of learning, whether I wanted to or not. Maybe next year will be the one where it all works out. I raise a glass to all those I loved and who loved me. You helped make this life worthwhile. Here’s to adventures, fun, love, kindness, ducks, and butterflies. 

Let’s see what next year brings.

xmas 2023

 Well, here it is, Christmas once again. I decided to cook a good meal. My daughter sat in front of her computer to eat. She has Aspergers and that's where she eats. I usually do as well but I didn't want to be in front of my PC tonight so I sat in the lounge and ate alone. It's a double edged sword. I can't deal with people and the more time I spend alone the less I can cope. But I also feel so lonely sometimes. 

Some things have no answer do they. 

Single is easier

3 years ago I wrote this. It still has meaning but after the years have gone by (I have been a widower for 7 years now), I don't know anymore. The idea of a relationship seems.... daunting. Maybe it's time to accept my lot. Single is simpler. Even if it's lonely, so lonely.  

.

.

I was walking through the new entranceway to the house and thought, “I bet she would have loved the change.” 

I was playing a new videogame thinking, “she would have liked this too.”

I watched a movie thinking, “wow! She would have been talking about this for days and watched it a few more times while loving it” 

I got worried about Christmas and she wasn’t there to say “it’s ok, we will get through this together” 

It was Friday night and there was no one who wanted to watch TV with me.

I saw something funny and a bit adulty on the net but I couldn’t show it to her. 

I saw a toadstool growing right out of the sand while walking the dog and there was no one with me to show. 

I don't need to be saved or fixed. I can do that myself.

What I miss is having someone to share my life with. The fun things, my deepest thoughts, her deep thoughts and secrets too.

Our wedding

 

I missed most of my wedding.

Right before the ceremony Polli tripped and sprained her ankle. 2 nurses who happened to be there checked her over and they suspected a fracture. She stuck out the ceremony, meal and speeches. By then things were swelling and we had to ditch the rest and head for the hospital, the nearest one was over an hour away. No priority is given at the hospital, even when it’s your wedding you are missing. They had us wait 3hrs for xrays. It was a sprain. We headed back but most guests had left by then.

I mentioned that because it was 20 years today we got married.

Last nights dream

 It was a weird one. 

My wife turned up. She wasn't dead, she faked her death so she could run off with another guy. Then she was back after 7 years and insisting she comes back into my life. I'm upset that she had put me through everything and was now just wandering back. I was also confused as I saw everything she went through and was there when she died. 

Been a odd feeling day after that. Can't shake it. 

My wifes page and loneliness

Someone was friend requesting my late wifes page, was a random scammer but I looked at her page while I was there. Made me sad.

Alone, but, I don't want to go through this again. I don't think I can give up my space anyways. 

A difficult thing. Is it ambivalence? 

Revel in the mundane

 Take the opportunity to revel in the mundane.

My friend is in town (she will be nothing more than a friend ) and I took her to the hardware store for a few things. Watching her go around the plant section deciding what needed to come home with her. Giving each other shit at the checkout Blaming each other as to who conned who into buying the plants. And even the obligatory stop while she nipped into the toilet.
Mundane, maybe, but once those small happy times are gone. You will miss them.
So, next time you are doing some small thing with her, even a trip to the supermarket, revel in the mundane things too. One day they might be gone and all will be left are snippets of moments.

Moments like these can also be a welcome distraction when life is too full of pressure.

this blog, my journey

 

I kept a secret blog of my journey of the past 7 years. It’s where I write the things I don’t dare say to a public audience. It wasn’t meant for anyone anyways. I wrote it for me, so I could see my journey and change.

Looking back, I started out so desperate to get back the love I had. Frustrated it was gone. I also started to become toxic. My fear of abandonment started to turn me into one of those “nice guys” the wrong kind. It’s still something I wrestle with a little bit. But a lot of reflection and learning I am understanding and finding the right balance. Being Aspergers, it’s not a simple thing. But I am great at stepping back and looking and learning. Understanding that I have failings.

But now. I don’t know anymore. The idea of a relationship, a full on one. It’s daunting. I am so used to being me and doing my own thing. The idea of someone else. It’s not so easy. The far side of my bed gets lonely some nights though. And jokes, fun, making her eyes light up with all the little things.

I don’t know any more. I just, don’t, know.

 

Bruxism

 

I have bruxism. I grind my teeth, can’t stop myself. Apparently it’s supressed rage.

Alcohol and shitty angry music was the only way I could feel it, sit inside that anger because it will never come out.

Now I cannot drink anymore. So it simply sits. And my teeth are wrecked.

Who am I?

 

Who am I? I am sitting here and thinking on this.

The simple response is

“I am me.”

Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, how did I get here?

Now that is a longer story.

To explain that would require a recounting of all that happened. The good, the bad.

The euphoric, the devastation.

A life that happened in the blink of an eye while dragging so slowly.

Raised by a mother who was kind and knew so much.

The devastation of sitting in an office while a police office said the “theres been an accident line” Next thing I’m helping pick out her coffin.

11 years of misery in a school, knowing there was no way out. There’s a song comes to mind there, “we gotta get out of this place.” A lot of trauma there. Lessons, harsh lessons. I have empathy from it though. Pain turned to kindness. I see, I understand.

Meeting someone. A fireball. She gave a shit. 16 years together. Wasn’t all roses and kittens. But we took on the world together. Everything comes to an end. So did her life. 9:10am 21^st September 2016. I sat beside her and watched her slip away. She fought until the last days. Damn she fought and I fought beside her the whole way. Sometimes things happen and despite everything, they still happen.

There have been others too. Not just her. Relationships, close friends. I raise a glass to those who I cared for intimately and who cared for me. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

A life spent feeling I was out of place. Always the odd one out. Monachopsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.” Autism, Aspergers. It wasn’t a thing when I was younger, you were just weird. People ask how I knew my daughter had it. I saw me in her. I understood her.

I wish I could tell you I was someone amazing. I’m not. Just a tired person, worn out from life. Seen too much, experienced too much. Been hurt too much.

 

Again. Who am I?

I am me, the Modern Gentleman.

I don't want to be here

 I loathe being alive

I'm always in pain. It never goes. 

My body barely functions. So many issues. I'm so tired. 

My finances are toast. 

My business is crashing. I'm the little guy getting pushed out by the nationwide chains

I don't want to be here, haven't for some time. 

A lifetime of trauma from being too different.

I stay for my daughter, no other reason. 

But really, I don't want to be here anymore

I'm not brave

 

I keep getting told you are brave, you are brave for surviving all you went through. I never felt brave. All I did was what I had to do. Yeah, I wanted to close down and stop when my wife died. But that wasn’t on the things I could do list. My finances were exhausted. Everything was gone, shit, 7 years later I’m still in credit card debt. So, I had no choice, I picked myself up and I kept going. She was gone but I still had a daughter. Sure, I spent a few nights drunk to get a reprieve from everything in my head screaming at me, but I didn’t stop (Side note, I haven’t touched alcohol for 3 years now), but it wasn’t bravery, it was a lack of choice, I wanted to just not exist but we have to be there for others, and life keeps going around us, it never stops.

“You gotta do what you gotta do,” simple as that.

A win

 

I am a sucker for the down and out, and one for trying against all odds, sure I fail a lot but sometimes you strike a win.

I was out walking Mr Barkington this morning. When I spied a bird in the gutter, it was cold and raining, I’m not sure what had happened. Then I noticed, it was still breathing.

I picked the bird up and carried it home. I got a rag and placed it on the heater to get some heat into it and dry it out. Once I managed that, I got an old bird cage I had here and placed the bird in there and put a cover over the top. I really didn’t think it was going to survive. But, as I said, I try, just in case I score a win. After an hour I had to head out for the day. I put a cover over the cage and left it in a warm house, at least it would die comfortably.

I got home, looked in the cage to find a very alive bird who was rather annoyed at being in a cage. It was just on dark and I would have preferred it stay inside until morning but this thing was not impressed at being in a cage. So, I took it outside, opened the door and it flew into a tree.

Sometimes, if someone gives a shit and gives a nudge in the right direction survival can happen. Against the odds, it really can happen.

Late night drives, fiction, by me

She heard him pull up in his black Camaro.  

He walked into her bedroom. She looked at the clock, 2am

“OK” he simply said. “I’m here” 

“Thank you” she said softly. 

He helped her up and out to the car. 

He got her comfortable. 

He headed for the highway. It was a nice summer night. They turned the heat on and wound the window down so she could feel the breeze. 

Ted Nugent started playing, stranglehold. 

“Turn it up” she said. He obliged. 

At that moment there was nothing more. Just 2 people in that moment. Driving down the open road. Didn’t need to be more. They carried on for for a while longer. She took in the sights, listened to that engine rumble, music on the stereo. 

After a couple hours she sighed. “I’m getting tired, It’s time….. Thank you” 

He nodded. Turned and drove her back to the hospice.

unloveable

Making people feel loved, liked, listened to. Helping so many. 

All while unable to accept it for myself. 

I am more broken than they are. 

They don't know

I am trapped in my own hell

I don't know how to get out. 

Monks

 My late wife used to be annoyed at Buddhist monks telling people the way to enlightenment. "How can you show people the way to enlightenment when you have never been at the bottom yourself." She's right, if you have never had to work hard while worrying about how you are going to pay the bills, to eat, to look after the family, worry about the car breaking down.... How can you tell those people not to worry.

Empathy is more powerful than sympathy. I write difficult things sometimes so people feel less alone. I also hope I can help inspire others. I too have sat at the bottom with no visible way out. 

Why am I single

 

Why am I single?

Hi, I’m Edward and I once had a relationship. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. Both of us felt that.

That relationship is gone forever (she died). I tried again a few times to find something else. I don’t think it can happen anymore. A lifetime of shitty things has pushed me into a hole and I see no way out. Dear reader, I hope you never wind up in this place. I am here from damage. If you are here too then you have my deepest sympathy. I will keep talking and posting to give hope to others. Life can be a place filled with wonder, hope, dreams and most importantly love. I know this, I had it. It was worth it. I have said it before, the only outcome of love is pain, they either die or walk away. Go all out, make sure that the pain is worth it. It was for me.

A sub chooses her dom

 

I am not a BDSM dom. But, read on. Maybe it will explain a few things to a few people.

“A sub chooses her dom.” It’s something I heard a few years ago. I know a few people will be arguing that statement, but it illustrates a point. There is this incorrect stereotype idea that submissive women are these demure wee things who love to be mistreated.  The worst part of that is there are a lot of males out there convinced that is the case so they call themselves “Dom” with no clue as to what one is. Let me tell you this, most subs I have met are hellcats who would damn near scratch your eyes out if you messed with them the wrong way, but sometimes they want to give up this intensity for a little. These women are looking for a strength, a power a.. presence. It’s not about demanding submission but more conducting yourself in a way that she wants to give it to you. 

I guess there is this public perception of the D/s (Dom/sub) relationship that it’s all bondage and whips but that is only a small part of the dynamic. I know plenty of subs who are not into pain at all. For so many it’s about a release of themselves into the hands of someone they can trust. Someone who will turn sex from simple pleasure into an experience and will continue to do it over and over and what this entails will be different from person to person. The true Dom understands this and will work, change and adapt to his subs wants and needs. The fake ones simply make demands with no concept of anything more.

“The true master will win submission rather than impose dominance” A true statement that one. She wants to give herself over but it’s a struggle in her mind, she will not simply give herself because you demand it. It’s about how you carry yourself, your attitude, your demeanor, your confidence. I’m not saying you have to be a billionaire who orders his staff around, I’m saying that you need to know when to rise to the occasion, to act, be, speak and strive to be a gentleman. Kindness and softness when required, firmness when needed while simply being yourself. Yes, this can be achieved.
A man who can dine with CEOs of multinational companies one day and sit alone on a graffitied park bench the next. Confidence without the attitude, I guess. I’m not saying perfection is required. It’s ok to be a bit of a shitshow, the good ones are caring, just know when to bring your A game.

Rantings of a madman

 

I am weary, a fatigue that goes beyond mere tiredness. I would love to offer the answers to life, but I have nothing to really give. I know that I have given and received both kindness and harsh words. I prefer kindness, always. But sometimes life, it can be harsh and we have to give it and take it. Again, I don’t know why, it’s just how it is. I’m just some old guy who once loved and was loved. The world has broken me in so many ways. I don’t know how to stop, I simply get up, over and over. A stubborn old fool who doesn’t know when to stay down. Been doing this for close on half a century. Still getting up. I guess after all this, I have learned a few things. I never fit in with people. Always a bit of an outcast, It gave me an ability to watch life from the outside, an observer. Humans are an odd species, they crave peace but try to achieve it by fighting. We love our sanctuaries of peace, we create them, revel in them yet strive to go and fight every day. Is this simply humans? Are we doomed to be a paradox for eternity? Or are we balanced on a precipice and we are soon a doomed species anyway. In the scheme of the universe we arrive and disappear again in the blink of an eye. Nothing more than a curious, brief blip. Would it be such a bad thing if we no longer existed. Sometimes I wonder about space travel, the idea that someday humans will escape this rock and spread themselves throughout the universe. I’m not sure that would be such a good thing, a plague upon everything. Who knows. Simply random rantings of a madman.

Envy

I know,  I know. Jealousy of others is a pointless exercise. My friend has pneumonia and has just come out of hospital. She's at her daughter's place recovering because she is unable yet to do anything herself. And I do feel envy because the last time I had pneumonia my employer said you have no sick leave, and I was forced to keep working. There simply hasn't been people there for me when I get sick. And it's always been like that for me. I remember a few times leaving my daughter with my dying wife in hospice and going into work because I simply didn't have the money to stop. That still hurts. I used to watch a tv show, Doc Martin, a Dr in a small rural fishing village. Some fisherman would get injured and the Dr would tell the man to stop working for 2 weeks. The man would explain that there wasn't the money to stop. "Patch me up doc, I need to go back out tomorrow". The Dr would get so mad. And I've been there. I once had a Dr tell me I had to take 6 weeks off work. I laughed and said, "are you paying my wages? I can't afford to stop. I'll take 2 days and then I'll have to go back". I have carried on working through so much, like the 5 times I have had kidney stones, I had to keep going. Even after my wife died. I was back at work before I had her ashes back. There was no choice. There is no time off for mental issues, I suck it up and keep going because I have no choice.

Then I have to try and remember others. Some would envy my house. It's old, it's a bit of a wreck. But it's still a house. My car is falling apart, but it's still running, others would love that. 

My body hurts, I live with chronic pain. But I can still walk and move. Others would think the pain worth it if they could move like that. 

I don't know where this is going. I'm tired, I'm broke and I'm stressed to hell. 

My anxiety is running so high I'm here in the middle of the night ranting about this shit because I'm avoiding the nightmares when I sleep at the moment.

A day off

 

My daughter was 3. I could see my wife and her had been couped up together for too long and it was wearing on both of them.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I said, “I’ll take our daughter away for the day, go to all the parks and crappy kid places, you stay home and do nothing, and I mean it on the nothing thing, I’ll make a condition, I do not want to come home to a clean house, you waste the day on whatever things.”
She smiled “deal,” she said.
For a year or so it turned into something I did every couple of months. My daughter had a fun day, my wife got to rest.

 

Ptsd triggers

Ptsd triggers can come out of nowhere. The hospital just sent me down to get a wheelchair to take my daughter out. 

I remembered that the last time I did that was to take my wife to the hospice. 

I sitting here concentrating on writing this because I'm not falling apart in front of these people. 

It's been 7 years. Can I just get over it now?

The hospital

 This week I have to take my daughter into the hospital for some minor work. I know it's nothing major. But I still have to entrust her life to the same people who killed my wife, and there are plenty of things that can go wrong. 

I guess if they do kill her then my reason for staying is gone. I will no longer have to remain in this world. No pain, no struggles, no fatigue, no loneliness. Freedom. 

No Goals

 I have no goals to work towards. Every one of my goals has been smashed into the ground by life. 

Any new goals are now unobtainable. I simply don't have the money or the health. 

So here I am. Simply being alive in this world. A pointless existence. I survive. I no longer live. 

So many terrible people at the moment. 

I don't like humans. 

I don't want to be here. 

Staying for my daughter. No other reason. 

According to science

According to science.....

Don’t eat meat because your body cannot digest it easily

Don’t eat fruit or vegetables because plants cause inflammation, a plants only defense is to poison people

Don’t eat butter, the fats are bad for you

Don’t eat margarine, its practically plastic

Don’t eat eggs, they contain traces of salmonella now. 

Vegetable oils are all rancid

Flour is poison because of modern refining processes

Gluten is plain “the enemy”

Tomatoes are particularly bad as they are nightshade family

Sugar causes cancer and obesity. 

Milk contains bad enzymes, and pasteurization makes it very bad for you

Alcohol causes liver damage

Fagility of life

 

Humans are such fragile creatures and things can change dramatically for them in an instant.
I came to this conclusion a couple of days ago while laying headfirst, upside down in a mountain stream having slipped, fallen and bashed my head against a very hard rock.
But we all have responsibilities and the people I took up there needed to get back home. So, I reached out blindly and found enough to grip and pulled myself up.

Be careful out there everyone. It doesn’t take a lot to wind up in a difficult situation.

Tales of a Modern Gentleman updated

 

Tales of a Modern Gentleman.

 

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.

“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.

“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”

“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.

“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”

“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“

They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said.  “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.”

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”

“What’s, what’s going on?” She felt darkness closing behind her, compelling her to move forward.

The Gentleman tried to smile, but there was sadness in his eyes. “Welcome to hell.”

A hundred thoughts crossed her at once. Finally she got out “How?” He glanced at her arms. They were bare and she realized he could see all the scars. She tried to fold her arms in an effort to hide them. He spoke, a voice full of kindness “looks like you had a bit of a difficult time.” She felt tears welling up. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, living hurt so much” He smiled again and said gently, “It’s ok, sometimes life gets a bit much.” 

She realized she had been walking with him unconsciously moving forward through the gates.

Suddenly something stepped out of the shadows, a shape, almost formless, she was instantly filled with dread. She stopped, frozen. The Gentleman stepped forward and cut it down with his sword.

“What the hell was that?” She would have yelled but the terror made her almost squeak it out.

“Your demons,” he said “I’m guessing you have a few, it’s ok, lets keep going, you don’t need to face them alone.”

She simply nodded and they carried on. More stepped out, the gentleman each time stepped forward and cut each one down. After some time it almost became mundane. “Why don’t they attack,” she said. He shrugged, “they don’t, they are simply thoughts of dread and loathing.” 

He produced another sword and handed it to her. “You, you want me to attack them?” She stammered. “Try it,” he said “I’ll be here.” No sooner than she took the sword another appeared, she swung and cut it in half. She stood, stunned as it melted into nothingness. She gripped the sword and strode forward cutting down another one. And another, and another.

The gentleman was hanging back, she stopped and went back to him. “Thank you,” She said. He simply nodded. “will you be staying with me?” she asked. He shook his head. “I’m here so long as you need me.” She nodded, “can I keep the sword?” He smiled, “Of course”

Another shape stepped out, she cut it down and they carried on. After a time she stopped, “is it just me or are they getting smaller and weaker?” she asked. “You have the power over them, the more you realize it the less they will be there.” She thought about this for a bit. “I don’t think I need you any more, I can do this.” He smiled that sad smile of his, “that’s great,” He said.

So, what happens now she said? “Well, you carry on and things get better and easier, and I will go back, there are more who need me to travel with them for a little.”

 “Why are you here?” She asked.

“I lost my shield maiden, She’s not here, I know. but, when I found myself here I decided to help others, in her memory, and because I know it’s simply the right thing to do.”

“Thank you” She said, “for me and for all the others.” The gentleman smiled. “I wish you well.” He turned and walked back the way the had come.

The gentleman looked over at the group. He was weary, so weary, but he lit a lantern stood and moved towards them.

The women stood in the darkness. In silence. None of them spoke. They watched warily as he approached. He stopped before he got to them. He nodded knowingly. “Come this way.” They followed him, wordlessly, heads bowed. After some time walking in silence one of them spoke. “I’m so sorry, but, where are we?”

The gentleman stopped, turned, and said “you are in hell.” One of the other women spoke up in a voice not much more than a whisper “But, I was good, I never spoke out of place.” The modern gentleman smiled softly. “I know, your voices were stifled for so long, you lost them.”

They carried on walking for a way. The first woman spoke up, louder this time “It was bullshit.” Another woman “yeah,” then more of them, a chorus of “yeah, and screw them, and more.”

The women were talking amongst themselves, voices getting louder and more excited. The gentleman stopped and extinguished his lamp. “Why are you putting out the light?” one of the women asked. “Look around you” The gentleman said. “As you find your voices so you find the light, keep talking, say what you need to say and then let no one ever dim your lights again.”

The women looked around. Seeing the beginning of a new dawn. “Thank you,” one of them said. The gentleman nodded. “Carry on.” he said. Be yourselves, and nothing less. He turned and started back the way he had come. “Aren’t you coming with us?” one of them asked. He shook his head. “No, this is not my lot right now. I have others to help.” They watched as he disappeared down the path and talked amongst themselves.  

The gentleman looked. He couldn’t see her at first. Just an outline on the ground, surrounded by darkness. He took his lantern and wandered over, without saying a word, he sat down beside her. She realized after a bit that he was there but continued to lay there. After a while longer she looked up and over to him. “Am I in hell?” she asked through tear filled eyes. “Yeah,” he said softly.

“Good” she replied. “It’s over.” He nodded in acknowledgement and she lay back down. These were the hardest ones. A lot of time and patience was needed.  And as he sat, he wondered if anyone noticed that while he saved everyone else, he too was trapped here.

 

 

 

 

 I help so many people move past hyper independence. 

They don't notice I am worse than they are. 

Society

 

Some days I look at this thing we call “society” and I simply despair. Humans spend so much time trying to shove their agendas on others. Sometimes by force. Beliefs, relationships. Sometimes people trample over others simply for money.

I will continue to be me, just sitting here in my little corner. But sometimes, I want off this rock so badly. I’m so tired of being  here.

Can’t we just be a little kinder to each other? Show thoughtfulness and compassion to others?

Safe

 

I’m sitting in a school today, the teachers are off on strike. There’s me and a few women. The office lady and a teacher aide or two. They are discussing how long they are going to stay before going home. The office lady says “I’ll stay as long as Ed is here, then I’ll head off.” What she said next got my attention “I don’t think I’ll stay after he goes as I don’t feel safe on my own.” The other woman nodded in agreement “Yeah, I think I’ll go then too.”

At various times I have had teachers ask if I’m coming onto work during the holidays so they can come in at the same time as they feel safer.

I find it sad that we still live in a world like this.

Death, toys and impermanance

My grandmother is dying. She's not expected to last the week. I'm slightly sad but not really that upset. She moved to another city a long way away and I haven't been able to see her in quite a number of years. 

I think a part of that was because I learned not to get attached to things. My father was in the habit of throwing out or giving away my toys when he felt it was time for them to go. I think I only have one childhood toy left. A ceramic toy given to me at my christening. My step mother had it for a while, I was told she intended on keeping it until she found out that it was practically worthless, at which point it found it's way back to me. Somewhere I think I may have a couple of books too. 

Things and people come and they go in life, nothing is permanent is it. I also grew up in a town with a lot of temporary workers. It was not unusual to come back to school in the new year and find friends were suddenly gone with no warning. You were sad for a moment, shrugged and carried on. Not that I had that many close friends anyways. 

My father did teach me some good things. I had a strong work ethic. He used to run training courses, one of them they built a hot house, It took 7 of them 8 hours to ram in the posts for the first side. The trainees went home at 4pm. My father and I carried on. With the 2 of us working hard we were able to do the other side in 3 hours. Dinner was usually at 6pm, he asked my mother when she came to check on us if she could keep it on the oven, as we didn't want to stop. I had no problem with that either. It was a job that needed doing and we did it. 

I find it hard with my chronic fatigue, I can't work like that anymore. feels like I'm failing at life. It is what it is I guess.

Break out of your programming

 My entire childhood I was told I was stupid. I was told I would never amount to anything. I was barely able to read or write. Thats what I was told all through school. 11 years of being the dumb kid. for the next 25 years it was so ingrained into me I believed it. Then, I started writing. Not many people took notice, I wasn't surprised because I was "stupid." But I kept going anyway. Slowly, slowly people started to listen to what I had to say. I'm no household name but I have over 200,000 followers. The royalty payments from my books aren't huge yet, but I still get them.

Sometimes you have to break out of your programing and change your story, no matter how hard it is to do so.

My Movie

 

Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?
-Jim Morrison

 

Roll up, roll up. Come see the show.

The crowd filed into the seats and waited with popcorn

The curtains opened and the movie began.

First came the early times, Bullying, belittling, the torture of a soul that was a misfit in a world that didn’t tolerate one. He tried so hard to fit.

The audience sat, sad, but unable to fully relate to the depth.

Then elation as he found someone.

Quickly followed by the sudden death of his mother.

The downward spiral as they lost a child, and their home.

Then upward as they rebuilt again.

The resilience of the two who had found each other, in all trials they stuck together, kept each other going.

Until she got cancer.

Until the Drs refused any more than “palliative care” from the outset.

Until they made mistake after mistake

Until she died.

Finally. All of the past hit. And he broke.

Dragging himself. Alone, through the accumulated mud and shit that had been thrown at him.

Wading, swimming, pushing through it all.

The audience looked on, stuffing popcorn into their mouths. Trying to relate.

Some laughed, others cried, some got mad. Others were unable to turn away from the trainwreck happening in slow motion.

Many simply walked out.