I kept a secret
blog of my journey of the past 7 years. It’s where I write the things I don’t
dare say to a public audience. It wasn’t meant for anyone anyways. I wrote it
for me, so I could see my journey and change.
Looking
back, I started out so desperate to get back the love I had. Frustrated it was
gone. I also started to become toxic. My fear of abandonment started to turn me
into one of those “nice guys” the wrong kind. It’s still something I wrestle
with a little bit. But a lot of reflection and learning I am understanding and
finding the right balance. Being Aspergers, it’s not a simple thing. But I am great
at stepping back and looking and learning. Understanding that I have failings.
But now. I
don’t know anymore. The idea of a relationship, a full on one. It’s daunting. I
am so used to being me and doing my own thing. The idea of someone else. It’s
not so easy. The far side of my bed gets lonely some nights though. And jokes,
fun, making her eyes light up with all the little things.
I don’t
know any more. I just, don’t, know.
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