Who am I?

 

Who am I? I am sitting here and thinking on this.

The simple response is

“I am me.”

Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, how did I get here?

Now that is a longer story.

To explain that would require a recounting of all that happened. The good, the bad.

The euphoric, the devastation.

A life that happened in the blink of an eye while dragging so slowly.

Raised by a mother who was kind and knew so much.

The devastation of sitting in an office while a police office said the “theres been an accident line” Next thing I’m helping pick out her coffin.

11 years of misery in a school, knowing there was no way out. There’s a song comes to mind there, “we gotta get out of this place.” A lot of trauma there. Lessons, harsh lessons. I have empathy from it though. Pain turned to kindness. I see, I understand.

Meeting someone. A fireball. She gave a shit. 16 years together. Wasn’t all roses and kittens. But we took on the world together. Everything comes to an end. So did her life. 9:10am 21^st September 2016. I sat beside her and watched her slip away. She fought until the last days. Damn she fought and I fought beside her the whole way. Sometimes things happen and despite everything, they still happen.

There have been others too. Not just her. Relationships, close friends. I raise a glass to those who I cared for intimately and who cared for me. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

A life spent feeling I was out of place. Always the odd one out. Monachopsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.” Autism, Aspergers. It wasn’t a thing when I was younger, you were just weird. People ask how I knew my daughter had it. I saw me in her. I understood her.

I wish I could tell you I was someone amazing. I’m not. Just a tired person, worn out from life. Seen too much, experienced too much. Been hurt too much.

 

Again. Who am I?

I am me, the Modern Gentleman.