Help

 

“Why don’t you want my help? It’s like you push it away every time I try. “

I shrug, “It’s not easy for me”.

I tend to leave it there. Elaborating isn’t easy as there is no straightforward answer. Layers, a layered answer.

It’s in me to be the one who provides, the one who helps. If I can’t be that person, it feels like I have failed. All those who were certain that I would fail in life would be right. I know that really the only fight is with myself. But those ghosts of my past, well, will haunt me to the end of my days.

I have found many times that those who sought to help me did so with hooks. It was nothing to do with what they could do for me but everything to do with what they wanted from me. Those people have cost me in my past. People who genuinely want to help, it’s not you, it was them, those past ghosts.

Then, then there were the few times I asked for help, particularly from those who I had gone all out and helped before, but also from those who had promised they would be there if I ever needed it. Their silence and empty promises were showing.

So now, I don’t ask for help. I simply cannot, my past is something I cannot drop, and I don’t ever want to repeat those times. Sometimes, the only one you can trust is yourself.

 

All I ever wanted was to be quiet, to sit in the corner and not be noticed. Just live a quiet life.

But sometimes, sometimes a man can’t simply sit back and do nothing, say nothing. I’m sure I piss plenty of people off. There’s more than a few mad with me. I’m the villain in plenty of peoples stories. But when I have to, I stand for what I think is right. Remember, “if everyone loves you then you never stood for shit”. I would still rather sit quietly in the corner.

Here I am, I remain, The modern gentleman.

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

—Martin Niemöller

 

Fun? What's that?

I realized, I don't know how to have fun anymore. All I'm doing is surviving until I die. Just trying to keep myself occupied. 

 

As I stand before you, my eyes never leaving yours, the air thickens with anticipation. My hand reaches out, fingers brushing against your skin in a gentle caress that sends shivers down your spine.

"Allow me to show you true pleasure," I whisper, my voice husky and sensual, "the kind only a dominant can provide."

Your body responds instinctively, arching into my touch as if begging for more. And more is exactly what you shall receive.

My fingers trail along the curve of your neck, sending sparks of desire coursing through your veins. They delve deeper, tracing the contours of your décolletage with a slow, deliberate sensuality that makes your breath catch in your throat.

I can feel you tremble beneath my touch, a delicate balance between pleasure and anticipation. Your skin is like silk beneath my fingers, smooth and soft against my calloused palms.

My other hand finds its way to the small of your back, pulling you closer as I deepen our connection. The world around us fades away, leaving only the two of us, lost in this dance of desire and passion.

You are mine, darling, and I shall take my time with you.

Erotic piece

 

As I stand before you, my eyes never straying from yours, a sense of calm washes over me. The world around us melts away, leaving only the two of us suspended in this moment of anticipation.

My fingers brush against your skin, sending shivers down your spine as they trace the delicate curves and contours of your body. Each touch ignites a spark within you, fueling the fire that burns between us.

I take my time, savoring every moment, every sensation. Your body responds instinctively, arching into my touch with an abandon that is both beautiful and intoxicating.

The air is thick with the scent of desire, a heady mix of lust and passion that threatens to consume us all. But I hold back, reluctant to surrender to the intensity of our connection just yet.

Instead, I continue to tease, to tantalize, to dance along your skin with my fingers as if tracing the lines of a map. Each touch is deliberate, each caress calculated to drive you higher and higher until we are both lost in a whirlwind of passion and desire.

And then, without warning, I stop. My fingers pause, hovering inches from your skin as I gaze into your eyes, challenging you to make the next move.

The room around us comes back into focus, the sound of our heavy breathing the only thing breaking the silence. It is a moment of pure tension, a moment of anticipation that stretches on forever until...

You lean in closer, your breath hot against my ear as you whisper something I long to hear. My heart skips a beat as I realize what it is... "I need you inside me."

I smile, knowing that the moment has arrived. With one swift motion, I push you down onto the bed and claim you with all the passion and intensity of our connection.

And with that, the world erupts into chaos as our bodies become one in a dance of pure ecstasy.

Opening up and why we don't

Women: Men need to be open about hurts and what affects them. They can't just shut down

Men: Well, I feel that we are mistreated because....

Women: Fuck you, you have no idea, it's sooooo much harder to be a woman.

Man shuts back down. 

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I know I'll lose followers over saying this, but it's a fact. Opening up about what gets to us just gets it thrown in our faces.

I had a dream

I dreamed last night that my dead wife was alive, she had been in a coma and was now fine. 

Ohhh, all the things I was going to show her. 

But then I woke up. 

And reality is a stark place. 

Sometimes I am jealous of her. Dying. 

I wish it was me. 

1st of august

The 1st of August is a strange date

Exactly 25 years ago was my first night with Polli

Exactly 9 years ago she found a lump in her breast

Exactly 8 years ago the cancer was advancing and the infection that would kill her took hold. 

Being a man in the modern world.

 

The statistics are stark: according to the Health and Safety Executive in New Zealand, between 2015 and 2019, suicide was the leading cause of death among males under 50, accounting for 42% of all deaths. A similar picture emerges in many other countries, where suicide is either the number one cause or ranks high on the list. This is a sobering reminder of the need to reexamine our societal norms and expectations around masculinity.

 

Furthermore, research suggests that many men under 30 in the US identify as single, with 63% reporting this status according to a February 2023 Pew Research study. Many of these men are not seeking romantic relationships, yet they still navigate a world where they are often judged and limited by societal rules.

 

As a man, it's challenging to avoid being viewed with suspicion or danger before you've even had the chance to introduce yourself. This is because many people have internalized harmful stereotypes about men as predators. The truth is that not all men fit this mold, yet we're expected to conform to rigid standards of behavior in order to avoid being seen as threatening.

 

Consider the myriad rules men are taught to follow: walk on the other side of the street if a woman is alone at night, remove your hood when approaching a female pedestrian, never approach or speak to an unaccompanied woman, especially at night. These expectations are not only restrictive but also perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes. Men are forced to be constantly aware of their surroundings and on high alert for potential dangers to women, rather than being free to live their lives without fear.

 

The situation is even more complex for male educators working with children. Many are required to undergo training to ensure they can respond safely in the event of an unaccompanied child entering the classroom. This includes rules such as removing the child from the room within 60 seconds or leaving the room immediately. While these measures may be intended to prioritize student safety, they also reinforce harmful stereotypes about men and their relationships with children.

 

It's time for us to reexamine our societal norms and expectations around masculinity, recognizing that not all men fit the mold of predator or danger. By challenging these harmful stereotypes, we can create a safer, more equitable world for everyone.

D.E

 

The thrill of Sunday afternoon was upon him once again. John's eyes scanned the gridiron as his star quarterback, Rodgers, dodged defenders and launched a perfect spiral downfield. His trusty fantasy team, "The Blitz," was on a hot streak this season, thanks in large part to his clever trades and savvy draft picks. As he cheered on Rodgers' touchdown throw, John's mind wandered back to the late-night email exchanges with his league mates, negotiating deals and plotting their next moves. The bragging rights that came with winning the championship were worth all the drama and suspense – and John was determined to bring home the bacon for the second year in a row.

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If there are any women left, this one really is for the men. You can stop reading here.

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If any of my friends or family are reading. Seriously. Stop here or you will gain knowledge you never wanted about me.

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Monster Trucks!!!

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I have recently learned that a disfunction I have is not totally uncommon, 1% to maybe even 5% of men have this. No one seems to talk about it. You hear about the opposite of this all the time, it’s everywhere. But not this. It’s a difficult topic. If you try to discuss it with a possible partner they initially think you are talking crap. When it does happen then they still seem at first to have difficulty accepting it. Thankfully most women I have encountered are ok with it and some even think it’s fantastic.

I am talking about something called delayed ejaculation. It’s the total opposite to premature ejaculation. Where it can take anywhere from 30 mins to several hours for a male to achieve orgasm, for me, the best I can manage is around 45mins as an absolute quicky (generally a LOT longer than that. I think after some experience with this situation it’s best to explain things before the first time you have sex, that way there’s no suspicion from them thinking you aren’t that into them. They still tend to need reassurance that you are enjoying yourself.

Guys, something to have on hand is lube. Even if she’s pretty resilient, she will sometimes need a little extra, it will help you too. I find organic coconut oil is awesome. Also, no embarrassment buying it at the supermarket if you are worried.

I don’t really have much else to say on this topic. It’s not an easy one to discuss. I just wanted other men out there who don’t talk about this to not feel alone about it.

 

 

 

 

Desire

 

Desire,

An echo in the darkness of our souls,

A touch that ignites a thousand goals,

A yearning so intense it steals control,

It's a flame that never grows old.

 

It's a flame, it's a dance,

A magnetic, hypnotic trance,

A fervor that enhances the romance,

Desire, oh desire, in its powerful stance.

 

A murmur grows into a fiery roar,

A feeling that leaves us craving more,

A hunger that consumes us whole,

Desire, it's you I adore.

 

It's a heartbeat, fast and wild,

A rhythm that no one can build,

A longing that we cannot fulfill,

Desire, you are my thrill.

 

An allure that forever beckons,

A dream with no end or reckons,

With every beat, it seizes our hearts,

Desire, you're my sweetest start.

 

 

A passion that only you can ignite,

A storm that rules with all its might,

In your arms, I find my perfect sight,

Desire, you're the light of my life.

 

An urge that never loses its charm,

A mystery that continues to enchant,

In your embrace, I find my safe harbor,

Desire, oh desire, you're my sweet haven.

 

In the garden of life, where thorns may grow,

There stands a man, whose heart shows he knows.

With gentle hands, he tends to the scars,

Of a soul that's been wounded, beneath the stars.

 

He listens with patience, to stories untold,

Offers a shoulder, for tears to unfold.

His strength lies in kindness, not in might,

A beacon of safety, in the darkest of nights.

 

"Your past," he whispers, "is not where you are now,

Your courage, your resilience, shines brightly through.

I stand beside you, not to overshadow,

But to walk with you, through every shallow."

 

For he is the warrior, who fights with love,

A guardian of healing.

His masculinity is a tender embrace,

Uplifting the spirits, of those lost in the chase.

 

So here's to the men, who with honor, do see,

The power of supporting, a woman to be free.

For in the dance of healing, with hearts intertwined,

Lies the truest form of masculinity, one of a kind.

A hole called depression

 

Look.

I know.

I know I’m in a hole

I know it’s called depression

You think I want to be here?

You think I revel in this?

All I want is to be happy.

But my mind won’t take me there

I wasn’t always like this

I had goals, ambitions. Dreams

Then life.

It slammed me into the ground

Over and over

It slammed me.

Until there was nothing left of me but a bloody mess

And all I want is to get up

But I’m broken.

And left here.

In a hole.

Called depression

I want to get out, climb the walls

But my hands.

They are covered in my blood

And its too slippery.

I need you to stay back from the edge.

So you don’t fall in

I want to raise my hand

But I will pull you in.

And I cannot do that to you.

So,

I will sit here in my hole

And dream of better days.

 

Rantings of a madman

Good guys are out there. We do exist. You just have to look a little harder. We can often be found lurking in the friendzone because we are too scared to say anything. 

And when the right ones come along. Hold on and go for a fantastic ride. Do everything you know. Try everything you don't. 

Love. Love so well that when it hurts you, and it will, there’s no escaping it. When you do get hurt you feel it was worth the hurt.

Cherish life. Cherish the moments. Look at the little things, not the big things. Sitting on a blanket in the sun eating sandwiches, going for walks, watching a movie on tv together.

When life gets tough. Stand up and meet it face on. When it knocks you down, brush yourself off stand up and bring it on again. It will knock you down. Over and over again. But in between those times look for the sunshine between the clouds. It's there. If you only look for the sunshine eventually you will realize that there's more sun than rain. 

Knights in shining armour are no good. They have no experience, they are cowards who run at the first sign of trouble. Look for the ones with tarnished dented armour. They have been there and won't run away when things get hard. The easiest way to spot them is a healthy dose of sarcasm. 

Don't forget to laugh. If the bad things are coming then stand tall, stand proud and laugh right in its face. Stare death in the eye and at the last moment lick him in the face and run for it. You won't escape but at least you can go down laughing. 

Everything ends. That's a sucky fact but it does. But if it's not your time then hide for a bit, lick your wounds and make sure you come out of your corner swinging. Never give up till you take your last breath. Never. 

If you find yourself standing at the gates of hell ring the bell and run away. If your fucked you might as well go down on a prank.

Dance naked in the rain. But only in summer. Hypothermia is a bastard. So is pneumonia. Be out there but don't be stupid about it.

Be weird. Its more fun. Most people will be ok with it. The ones who aren't are not worth bothering with. 

Have fun with your body. You only get one and there's no point finishing your life with it in good condition cause its not gonna stay that way for long. 

Smile. Even if you want to cry. Eventually you will start to believe it. And if you don't you can freak people out who are wondering why you are smiling like a maniac. 

Sleep. It helps. I'm not so sure how to do that anymore. But its a good idea. It recharges the cells in your body. 

Be angry. Angry is ok. But don't stay there too long. If you spend all your time being angry then when everything else is gone the anger is all that remains. 

Be careful what sedatives you take when under severe stress. Some of them will have you up at 1am writing insane posts that I'm probably going to regret in the morning.

Pain

Sometimes it feels like the universe has it in for me, everything falls apart. The more it does, the more I feel myself turning inwards. The mask goes up. Not even those closest to me know exactly how I feel. 

I don't know if they would understand how I feel. I'm not sure I could even articulate my feelings. 

So, I smile, and carry on with my day. 

Because that's what I have to do to survive in this world. 

Anger and not showing it

 

When my wife was killed, for a long while my daughter was often angry. I understood why.

As a man, anger is not allowed. I had to be strong and simply carry on as my psyche fell apart.

Sometimes I would drink alcohol, a lot of alcohol, I would listen to loud, angry music so I could quietly sit inside my anger without showing it outwardly.  

Then I would go to bed, wake up the next day and carry on, because sometimes that’s all you can do.

 I’m not one for anger anyways. Never was me, but sometimes the hurt gets strong.

Difference in age

 

There is a charming naivety of a younger person. An optimism of the world around them.

There is a very different charm to an older person. They have maturity and experience. A lifetime of hurt has given them the ability to navigate difficult things, they have the ability to carry on, whatever is thrown at them.

I guess that’s why some people look for someone who is a different age. They can see what the other cannot.

Be kind while we discriminate

 

Be kind! The sign proclaims, while practicing discrimination.

This area is blacks only says another sign.

“Let women speak” was shut down by a bunch of people determined not to let women speak because they felt their rights were more important than anyone else’s.
Don’t forget the black woman who was praised for saying all violence in this world is caused by straight white men.

Or the black woman who won awards for her stories like the one where she wanted to go driving with her friends to find white men and… well…. facebook won’t allow me to say what they wanted to do.

We live in a world where tolerance is demanded but only when it suits some people. Otherwise the tolerant become intolerant.

Fatigue

 I'm so tired my legs hurt. I don't know why but in severe fatigue it feels like my legs are burning a little, but its the joint pain that really hurts. 

But, I'm a parent, so you ignore the pain and the fatigue that your body is yelling at you about, and you move, and cook dinner. 

Stopping

 Thursday night was odd. I finished work, did all my paperwork and sat. I realized I was done for the week, with a long weekend (easter) and it felt odd to stop. I wonder if part of my fatigue is that I really don't stop. There is always housework, and regular work, emails, messages everything happening. It's rare that I stop. 

Low key praise

 

A number of years ago I was called into a job. The computer network was going nuts and unusable, other specialists had failed to find the fault. After a number of hours, I was able to locate the cause. I wandered off to management and told them everything was fine. It was during a staff meeting. The whole room erupted in applause and thanks.

20 years later I still remember that horrific moment.

I love praise but moments like that terrify me. Even someone close to me, I have zero clue how to react. I spent so many years with so little praise it’s a foreign thing to me. But I love it even still.

So, what do you do with someone who loves praise but has a problem with it? I had to sit down and think about it for a bit and the answer is fairly simple. Keep doing it, but low key. Also do it in a way that does not solicit a response.

For example, if they cook dinner, walk out with the plates, “that was great” as you walk out.

Maybe they buy you a favorite food. “wooo, I love these” as you tuck into it.

Staring at them “wow, you are the greatest, I love you so much” is eliciting a response and it becomes awkward.

The ego of a man

 

I have discovered an awesome new range of feminine hygiene products. The ultimate in comfort.

Ok, now I have scared off the men……

I’ll let you into a secret. The most sensitive thing on a man isn’t his balls, it’s actually his ego. He won’t admit it because hes tough you know. If you constantly put a guy down or complain about what hes doing he will give up. He will stop. Then he will drift away.

Fill him with praise, boost his ego, and watch him start to move mountains for you.

What does a woman want, How do you become attractive

 

What does a woman want?

 

She will tell you it’s loyalty, honesty, openness and it’s true, these are the things she wants. But this is what she wants in a relationship. These are not things that will have her attracted to you in the first place.

Things that will attract a woman.

Grooming, she wants someone with a good haircut, a man who can dress well.

Fitness, someone who works to keep himself in good condition. Not necessarily meaning huge muscles and working out at the gym. But able to walk a short distance without dying.

Slightly aloof. She wants a challenge. Someone who comes at her with everything they have will drive her away.

Good at making things. Seriously, if you can knock out the odd bit of DIY and or yardwork, shes going to be into that.

Confidence, if you are confident in who you are and what you do, that’s gonna be like a magnet to her.

Intelligence, she wants a man who can carry a good conversation.

Humor, she wants to laugh with someone.

You don’t have to be all of these things all of the time. You don’t even need to be all of those things ever. But these are traits many women find attractive.

Despair Demon

 

The despair demon looked at me through slitted eyes.

“I have shown you your deepest hurt. Yet you smile, “it hissed.

“Thank you” I said. “It’s been a while since I saw my wife, and it was great to see my mother again”.

“But, seeing them again should have broken you” It almost howled.

I spoke gently, “Oh demon, I know illusions and I know reality. I accepted their passing long ago. It hurts, true, but it happened. And you know. I would have done it again. I don’t regret that love. All things come to pass”.

The demon was shrinking back, as if it was in pain. “Human, I will simply show you more, more of the truth of your life”.

“Go ahead” I replied “I have already been through it all and faced it, many, many times. You think I haven’t replayed it all, over and over again”?

The demon was scared now. “What are you?”

“Simple” I said. “I am me.”

Feisty

Feisty women are a lot of fun. Until they boil over and you end up in their path. 

It's difficult when you are this introverted and they come out swinging, at anything. 

I don't think I want another relationship again. 

But it's lonely. 

I'm lost. 

I'm not made for this world. 

I don't think I'm made for any world. 

Labels can be good

 

People often talk about how putting a label on trauma or mental health issues is damaging. People don’t talk about how positive it can be. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that one of my issues has a name, it’s a thing, it has… A label. And it didn’t make me feel bad. It made me know I was not alone, it allowed me to say to myself “it’s ok, others have this too”. I meant I could look it up and see it was a thing. Theres no “cure” but that’s ok. I don’t need one.
Just. I am not alone, it’s not just me. This label was liberating.

Honesty

 

We hadn’t been together long. My wife cooked dinner, and the potatoes were a little burned. I told her they were fine. She had anosmia so she has very little sense of taste. But she detected something. “They are burned aren’t they”? She had me fixed with one of her looks. “Yeah, they are a bit” I admitted. She looked at me, a bit mad “Then why did you keep eating them”? “Well, you put that effort into cooking them and I didn’t want you to feel bad” I tried to explain. “I never want you to put up with it again, because that’s dishonest. I want us to always be honest in this relationship, always.”

And that is why I always told her if the food wasn’t right. Because she wanted honesty above all else, in everything.

Lying

 I was in my 40's before I found out most men lie about their prowess in bed. 

Women are missing out

 

There is sex and there’s fucking a moist hole. Someone said that to me 30 years ago and I never forgot it. I have been lucky enough to have had some very open conversations with women over the years, I guess if they know I am safe and don’t judge they can open up. I’m so glad I was able to have those conversations. I learned a lot. I hope they did too. It’s surprising how many women have only experienced the latter. They have missed out on a whole new world. I am on a couple of singles pages in New Zealand and anytime I post something that even hints at sex the women get mad, the hate gets piled on. I find it sad. They don’t see or understand the depths of intimacy they are missing. We have bodies that are capable of such highs from sex and so many people are clueless as to what they are missing.

50th birthday

 

Some days are just going to suck. I have spent the past 3 days building a complicated spreadsheet, I’m about 2/3rds done. I am doing it because a large company has dumped me right in the crap, along with about 100 others who are also scrambling to deal with the fallout of what they have decided to do. I will be doing all this work for free. Deadlines for completion are looming so I’m going as hard as I can manage. It’s causing headaches and eyestrain despite frequent breaks. I’m exhausted and I will have to keep pushing longer yet.
And that is how I’m spending my 50^th birthday.

Spending money

 

I have spent the past few years running on a shrinking income, now I’m at the point of survival rather than living.

Anyways, I was given a small sum of money recently and I was able to take some and spend it on myself. Nothing extravagant, some secondhand parts for my PC that I didn’t really need. More of a want. 2 weeks later I still feel guilty spending money on myself with no way to justify that expenditure. Even though a week later I took my daughter to a dinosaur exhibition that cost double what I spent on myself.

We get it so ingrained when we are in survival mode that anything but essentials for ourselves is a terrible thing.

One day I hope I can afford to break out of that mentality.

 

Experience

Someone once said no man should be considered a real dom until they were over 40 because they lacked the life experience. A bunch of 20 and 30 year olds are probably bristling at that.

This is not a piece about Doms though. Thinking back, 20 year old me had more confidence, but arrogance and a lack of experience came with it. It’s taken 30 years of learning about women since then for my current level of understanding. I don’t profess to know everything or say I’m perfect. But I do know a lot more about life, about women, about sex.
Yes, I know, some hit 50 and never learn. Some have though. Some take the time to learn and understand. I wonder if that’s the appeal of older men. They have the experience that cannot be found in youthfulness. Then again, older men have been hurt more. Makes then harder, more withdrawn.
Just random musings. Something that needs more thought sometime.

 Scrolling through here and realize how many times I have repeatedly said the same thing lately. 

Fucked up brain too. 

Cant remember shit. 

Being alive

 I'm going to level with you. 

I loathe being alive. 

There, I said it. 

My body is in pain, always in pain, it never goes away. 

Add chronic fatigue syndrome. Everything is so hard to do. 

My business is trash, I don't have it in me to fix it. 

I don't get enjoyment out of life. 

The only reason I stay is for my daughter and dog. 

With out them I would exit. 

A pathetic end to a pathetic life. Fuck the world.

Choose something you like and don’t be good at it.

 

I play video games, badly.

I’m not some crazed person who plays 8 hours at a time. I try to play an hour a day, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, I like them, but I am terrible at them. I play on the easiest settings possible. This is a good thing though. You see, I only want it to be fun, if I am bad and intend to stay that way then there is no pressure to be good. I get to simply have fun. Nothing more.

So, if you have a hobby and you aren’t very good at it. Then embrace that fact. Do it for no reason other than to enjoy it, not to be good.

tired

I'm tired of being alive.

I'm always in pain. 

The chronic fatigue syndrome, it wears me down.

Struggle to earn money. 

There's nothing much to enjoy anymore.

A world full of colors has turned to Grey  

It's loud, full if selfish humans. 

I have an obligation to my daughter. I stay alive for her. All while my mind screams in frustration. 

New Years

Well, somehow, I survived another rotation of this rock around the sun. It hasn’t been the worst year, but I can’t say it’s been that great either. I think this was a year where I can simply say I survived. A year of growing, a year of learning, whether I wanted to or not. Maybe next year will be the one where it all works out. I raise a glass to all those I loved and who loved me. You helped make this life worthwhile. Here’s to adventures, fun, love, kindness, ducks, and butterflies. 

Let’s see what next year brings.

xmas 2023

 Well, here it is, Christmas once again. I decided to cook a good meal. My daughter sat in front of her computer to eat. She has Aspergers and that's where she eats. I usually do as well but I didn't want to be in front of my PC tonight so I sat in the lounge and ate alone. It's a double edged sword. I can't deal with people and the more time I spend alone the less I can cope. But I also feel so lonely sometimes. 

Some things have no answer do they. 

Single is easier

3 years ago I wrote this. It still has meaning but after the years have gone by (I have been a widower for 7 years now), I don't know anymore. The idea of a relationship seems.... daunting. Maybe it's time to accept my lot. Single is simpler. Even if it's lonely, so lonely.  

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I was walking through the new entranceway to the house and thought, “I bet she would have loved the change.” 

I was playing a new videogame thinking, “she would have liked this too.”

I watched a movie thinking, “wow! She would have been talking about this for days and watched it a few more times while loving it” 

I got worried about Christmas and she wasn’t there to say “it’s ok, we will get through this together” 

It was Friday night and there was no one who wanted to watch TV with me.

I saw something funny and a bit adulty on the net but I couldn’t show it to her. 

I saw a toadstool growing right out of the sand while walking the dog and there was no one with me to show. 

I don't need to be saved or fixed. I can do that myself.

What I miss is having someone to share my life with. The fun things, my deepest thoughts, her deep thoughts and secrets too.

Our wedding

 

I missed most of my wedding.

Right before the ceremony Polli tripped and sprained her ankle. 2 nurses who happened to be there checked her over and they suspected a fracture. She stuck out the ceremony, meal and speeches. By then things were swelling and we had to ditch the rest and head for the hospital, the nearest one was over an hour away. No priority is given at the hospital, even when it’s your wedding you are missing. They had us wait 3hrs for xrays. It was a sprain. We headed back but most guests had left by then.

I mentioned that because it was 20 years today we got married.

Last nights dream

 It was a weird one. 

My wife turned up. She wasn't dead, she faked her death so she could run off with another guy. Then she was back after 7 years and insisting she comes back into my life. I'm upset that she had put me through everything and was now just wandering back. I was also confused as I saw everything she went through and was there when she died. 

Been a odd feeling day after that. Can't shake it. 

My wifes page and loneliness

Someone was friend requesting my late wifes page, was a random scammer but I looked at her page while I was there. Made me sad.

Alone, but, I don't want to go through this again. I don't think I can give up my space anyways. 

A difficult thing. Is it ambivalence? 

Revel in the mundane

 Take the opportunity to revel in the mundane.

My friend is in town (she will be nothing more than a friend ) and I took her to the hardware store for a few things. Watching her go around the plant section deciding what needed to come home with her. Giving each other shit at the checkout Blaming each other as to who conned who into buying the plants. And even the obligatory stop while she nipped into the toilet.
Mundane, maybe, but once those small happy times are gone. You will miss them.
So, next time you are doing some small thing with her, even a trip to the supermarket, revel in the mundane things too. One day they might be gone and all will be left are snippets of moments.

Moments like these can also be a welcome distraction when life is too full of pressure.

this blog, my journey

 

I kept a secret blog of my journey of the past 7 years. It’s where I write the things I don’t dare say to a public audience. It wasn’t meant for anyone anyways. I wrote it for me, so I could see my journey and change.

Looking back, I started out so desperate to get back the love I had. Frustrated it was gone. I also started to become toxic. My fear of abandonment started to turn me into one of those “nice guys” the wrong kind. It’s still something I wrestle with a little bit. But a lot of reflection and learning I am understanding and finding the right balance. Being Aspergers, it’s not a simple thing. But I am great at stepping back and looking and learning. Understanding that I have failings.

But now. I don’t know anymore. The idea of a relationship, a full on one. It’s daunting. I am so used to being me and doing my own thing. The idea of someone else. It’s not so easy. The far side of my bed gets lonely some nights though. And jokes, fun, making her eyes light up with all the little things.

I don’t know any more. I just, don’t, know.

 

Bruxism

 

I have bruxism. I grind my teeth, can’t stop myself. Apparently it’s supressed rage.

Alcohol and shitty angry music was the only way I could feel it, sit inside that anger because it will never come out.

Now I cannot drink anymore. So it simply sits. And my teeth are wrecked.

Who am I?

 

Who am I? I am sitting here and thinking on this.

The simple response is

“I am me.”

Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, how did I get here?

Now that is a longer story.

To explain that would require a recounting of all that happened. The good, the bad.

The euphoric, the devastation.

A life that happened in the blink of an eye while dragging so slowly.

Raised by a mother who was kind and knew so much.

The devastation of sitting in an office while a police office said the “theres been an accident line” Next thing I’m helping pick out her coffin.

11 years of misery in a school, knowing there was no way out. There’s a song comes to mind there, “we gotta get out of this place.” A lot of trauma there. Lessons, harsh lessons. I have empathy from it though. Pain turned to kindness. I see, I understand.

Meeting someone. A fireball. She gave a shit. 16 years together. Wasn’t all roses and kittens. But we took on the world together. Everything comes to an end. So did her life. 9:10am 21^st September 2016. I sat beside her and watched her slip away. She fought until the last days. Damn she fought and I fought beside her the whole way. Sometimes things happen and despite everything, they still happen.

There have been others too. Not just her. Relationships, close friends. I raise a glass to those who I cared for intimately and who cared for me. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

A life spent feeling I was out of place. Always the odd one out. Monachopsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.” Autism, Aspergers. It wasn’t a thing when I was younger, you were just weird. People ask how I knew my daughter had it. I saw me in her. I understood her.

I wish I could tell you I was someone amazing. I’m not. Just a tired person, worn out from life. Seen too much, experienced too much. Been hurt too much.

 

Again. Who am I?

I am me, the Modern Gentleman.

I don't want to be here

 I loathe being alive

I'm always in pain. It never goes. 

My body barely functions. So many issues. I'm so tired. 

My finances are toast. 

My business is crashing. I'm the little guy getting pushed out by the nationwide chains

I don't want to be here, haven't for some time. 

A lifetime of trauma from being too different.

I stay for my daughter, no other reason. 

But really, I don't want to be here anymore

I'm not brave

 

I keep getting told you are brave, you are brave for surviving all you went through. I never felt brave. All I did was what I had to do. Yeah, I wanted to close down and stop when my wife died. But that wasn’t on the things I could do list. My finances were exhausted. Everything was gone, shit, 7 years later I’m still in credit card debt. So, I had no choice, I picked myself up and I kept going. She was gone but I still had a daughter. Sure, I spent a few nights drunk to get a reprieve from everything in my head screaming at me, but I didn’t stop (Side note, I haven’t touched alcohol for 3 years now), but it wasn’t bravery, it was a lack of choice, I wanted to just not exist but we have to be there for others, and life keeps going around us, it never stops.

“You gotta do what you gotta do,” simple as that.

A win

 

I am a sucker for the down and out, and one for trying against all odds, sure I fail a lot but sometimes you strike a win.

I was out walking Mr Barkington this morning. When I spied a bird in the gutter, it was cold and raining, I’m not sure what had happened. Then I noticed, it was still breathing.

I picked the bird up and carried it home. I got a rag and placed it on the heater to get some heat into it and dry it out. Once I managed that, I got an old bird cage I had here and placed the bird in there and put a cover over the top. I really didn’t think it was going to survive. But, as I said, I try, just in case I score a win. After an hour I had to head out for the day. I put a cover over the cage and left it in a warm house, at least it would die comfortably.

I got home, looked in the cage to find a very alive bird who was rather annoyed at being in a cage. It was just on dark and I would have preferred it stay inside until morning but this thing was not impressed at being in a cage. So, I took it outside, opened the door and it flew into a tree.

Sometimes, if someone gives a shit and gives a nudge in the right direction survival can happen. Against the odds, it really can happen.

Late night drives, fiction, by me

She heard him pull up in his black Camaro.  

He walked into her bedroom. She looked at the clock, 2am

“OK” he simply said. “I’m here” 

“Thank you” she said softly. 

He helped her up and out to the car. 

He got her comfortable. 

He headed for the highway. It was a nice summer night. They turned the heat on and wound the window down so she could feel the breeze. 

Ted Nugent started playing, stranglehold. 

“Turn it up” she said. He obliged. 

At that moment there was nothing more. Just 2 people in that moment. Driving down the open road. Didn’t need to be more. They carried on for for a while longer. She took in the sights, listened to that engine rumble, music on the stereo. 

After a couple hours she sighed. “I’m getting tired, It’s time….. Thank you” 

He nodded. Turned and drove her back to the hospice.