Being a man

 Last week, I found myself face-to-face with an injured rat that had somehow made its way into our home. Its back leg was clearly broken, and beyond that, it was visibly sick—lethargic, with dull eyes that spoke of suffering beyond just the injury. I saw it first, and while there was another woman in the house (my daughter), this was clearly a job for the man of the house. Some tasks simply fall to us—not because others couldn't handle them, but because it's our responsibility to handle the difficult, unpleasant necessities. I took the rat outside and ended its suffering as humanely as I could. It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't something I wanted to do. But it was something that needed doing.

This small moment got me thinking about the broader question of responsibility in modern relationships. Not because men are inherently better equipped for difficult tasks, but because strength—physical, emotional, or otherwise—often comes with the obligation to use it thoughtfully.

In many relationships, there's still an unspoken understanding about who handles what. The heavy lifting, literally and figuratively. The late-night sounds that need investigating. The difficult conversations that someone has to initiate. This isn't about outdated gender roles—it's about recognizing that when you have certain capabilities, you have certain responsibilities.

This dynamic extends into intimacy as well. There's something to be said for the man who takes the lead—not through force or selfishness, but through confidence and attentiveness. The kind of leadership that creates trust, that allows a woman to let go of the world, to be present in nothing but that moment. It's about being strong enough to guide while being attentive enough to truly see your partner.

True strength isn't about dominance or control. It's about creating space for others to flourish. It's about being reliable when reliability matters most. It's about making the hard choices so that others don't have to carry that weight.

The most meaningful partnerships I've observed aren't built on rigid roles, but on mutual recognition of each person's strengths and a willingness to step up where you're most capable of making a difference.

Lost?

Do you ever sit there feeling lost? 

I don't know. The stress from recent times? 

People?

Just, life? 

I don't even know why. 

Exhausted

 Exhausted, new Blood pressure pills fucking me up. 

People trying to have deep conversations, I cant think straight. 

Somoene wants me to fix their media player, I can't comprehend. 

Brain not working, but they all push. 

Shutting down. 

Shit times

My Blood pressure has gone way up with all the stress. Hitting over 200/114. I can't get it down. 

My body has gone into full CFS crash. 

All the GPs want to do is give me pills that will make me worse. 

And I can barely work. 

I finally built up a small buffer of money. 

Now its going to go. 

And I'm screwed again. 

I'm exhausted. 

I don't want to live anymore. 

But I have to for my daughter. 

People guilting me over staying for her. 

I know I have to. 

But I dont want to live. 

Back has really fucked out too. Compression fractures in my spine. 

Pain is shit. Tiring too. 

Not allowed to stop. Have to work, push, push, push 

As I die. 

Too much

 It's too much stress, I can't cope. 

Good night Mr Barkington

It's peaceful out here. I can hear the waves crashing down at the ocean. 

Thank you for being there Mr Barkington when my world crashed. You stuck with me no matter what. And even gave me hugs when you didn't really like them. 

I think I did alright by you. You lived your best possible life. Got to be the crazy dog. I thought you were bullet proof. Unstoppable. No one knew about that tumor beside your heart. Now its burst and the vet says there's nothing that can be done.  But he assured me you are in no pain.

You have picked your place. I won't make you move. It's your right to go out on your terms. Damn its cold out here. Im not leaving though. Together until the end. 

That's what mates do .

It's over. You are gone. Good night,  you were a good boy. You were the best dog you could be.

Broken

 I pushed too hard for too long. weeks on the go without stopping. My body was warning me. 

Today it said "enough!" Its shutting down. But it can't, I can't stop, there are people pushing me. They don't know, even if they did they would keep pushing. 

Everyone clamoring for me to help. 

So I will keep pushing. There will be a point soon where there is nothing left. There will be a heavy price. For now I shall see if I can hold out. 

 

 

The best way to look for a relationship is to stop looking.

If you're tired of coming up empty in your search for a meaningful relationship, it's time to take a hard look at your approach. The truth is, the more you chase women, the more elusive they become.

Instead of wasting your time swiping through apps or hitting up social events, focus on building yourself into the man you want to be. Hit the gym, crush your career, or develop skills that make you a force to be reckoned with.

When you're a man on a mission, driven by purpose and ambition, you're unstoppable. You're not looking for validation or a partner to complete you; you're a whole, fulfilled individual with a lot to offer.

Women are drawn to men who exude confidence, strength, and direction. By focusing on your own growth and development, you'll become the kind of guy who commands attention and respect.

So, stop chasing relationships and start building yourself. Become the best version of yourself, and the right woman will take notice. You'll be in a better position to build a strong, healthy relationship with someone who appreciates you for who you are.

 

A child will always go looking for their other parent

 

A child will always go looking for their other parent.

Seen it over and over. I say this to both give hope and as a warning. If you lost your kids in a break up, at some point they will be back. Make sure you are still a good parent for them.

If you are punishing the other parent by taking the kids away, those kids will find them and if you told a lot of lies, they will resent you for it. You just may lose your kids eventually for it.

Yes, I know, the ex can be a terrible person. I’m just saying, don’t lie, they will find out.

Too connected.

I wanted to sit and write tonight. 

6 people messaging me, all expecting me to talk to them. 

And when I don't answer they get upset. 

Sometimes I hate this overly connected world. 

Broken

 

If you ever wonder if I am so strong that I cannot be broken.

You don’t know.

I already did.

 

Pulled in 2 directions

 

Starting is the hardest part. Trying to get the words to flow. And they are there, wanting to come out.

And my brain is screaming over and around with so many things. All wanting to come out while being out of reach at the same time.

So tonight I’m opening this document and typing shit to see where it goes.

Ping, ping, people wanting to talk. We live in a world that’s so loud, it’s unrelenting.

But the world is so disconnected. We need to talk more, but I don’t want to talk. Around and around it goes, so connected and yet so lonely. The pull in 2 directions and I cant stand it.

I need quiet but I cant stand it. That fucking fan behind me. I need to stop for a second, find music to drown the damn thing out.

So now I add noise.

I guess that’s me all over. Pulled in all directions.

I wonder why I bother writing these things, do I want to be recognized? When all I want is to be left alone? That’s so lonely though.

Fuck. I don’t know. This is going nowhere. File it and start again.

Parks and phones

 

Sometimes on a nice summer day I would sneak out of work and take my daughter to a park to play.

Her mom was dead so it was on me to take her to those places. She would run around having a good time and I would sit and answer emails on my phone because I was technically still at work.

I saw all the others judging me. “Playing” with my phone instead of her.

She got out and had fun, I was working. Sometimes we aren’t assholes, we are just doing what we have to do.

Ethics

Ethics are good, morals are good. 

Sometimes we are placed in a state of survival and you need to bend them a little. 

Sometimes you need to bend them a lot. 

It doesn't make you bad. 

It makes you a survivor. 

You gotta do what you gotta do. 

Help

 

“Why don’t you want my help? It’s like you push it away every time I try. “

I shrug, “It’s not easy for me”.

I tend to leave it there. Elaborating isn’t easy as there is no straightforward answer. Layers, a layered answer.

It’s in me to be the one who provides, the one who helps. If I can’t be that person, it feels like I have failed. All those who were certain that I would fail in life would be right. I know that really the only fight is with myself. But those ghosts of my past, well, will haunt me to the end of my days.

I have found many times that those who sought to help me did so with hooks. It was nothing to do with what they could do for me but everything to do with what they wanted from me. Those people have cost me in my past. People who genuinely want to help, it’s not you, it was them, those past ghosts.

Then, then there were the few times I asked for help, particularly from those who I had gone all out and helped before, but also from those who had promised they would be there if I ever needed it. Their silence and empty promises were showing.

So now, I don’t ask for help. I simply cannot, my past is something I cannot drop, and I don’t ever want to repeat those times. Sometimes, the only one you can trust is yourself.

 

All I ever wanted was to be quiet, to sit in the corner and not be noticed. Just live a quiet life.

But sometimes, sometimes a man can’t simply sit back and do nothing, say nothing. I’m sure I piss plenty of people off. There’s more than a few mad with me. I’m the villain in plenty of peoples stories. But when I have to, I stand for what I think is right. Remember, “if everyone loves you then you never stood for shit”. I would still rather sit quietly in the corner.

Here I am, I remain, The modern gentleman.

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

—Martin Niemöller

 

Fun? What's that?

I realized, I don't know how to have fun anymore. All I'm doing is surviving until I die. Just trying to keep myself occupied. 

 

As I stand before you, my eyes never leaving yours, the air thickens with anticipation. My hand reaches out, fingers brushing against your skin in a gentle caress that sends shivers down your spine.

"Allow me to show you true pleasure," I whisper, my voice husky and sensual, "the kind only a dominant can provide."

Your body responds instinctively, arching into my touch as if begging for more. And more is exactly what you shall receive.

My fingers trail along the curve of your neck, sending sparks of desire coursing through your veins. They delve deeper, tracing the contours of your décolletage with a slow, deliberate sensuality that makes your breath catch in your throat.

I can feel you tremble beneath my touch, a delicate balance between pleasure and anticipation. Your skin is like silk beneath my fingers, smooth and soft against my calloused palms.

My other hand finds its way to the small of your back, pulling you closer as I deepen our connection. The world around us fades away, leaving only the two of us, lost in this dance of desire and passion.

You are mine, darling, and I shall take my time with you.

Erotic piece

 

As I stand before you, my eyes never straying from yours, a sense of calm washes over me. The world around us melts away, leaving only the two of us suspended in this moment of anticipation.

My fingers brush against your skin, sending shivers down your spine as they trace the delicate curves and contours of your body. Each touch ignites a spark within you, fueling the fire that burns between us.

I take my time, savoring every moment, every sensation. Your body responds instinctively, arching into my touch with an abandon that is both beautiful and intoxicating.

The air is thick with the scent of desire, a heady mix of lust and passion that threatens to consume us all. But I hold back, reluctant to surrender to the intensity of our connection just yet.

Instead, I continue to tease, to tantalize, to dance along your skin with my fingers as if tracing the lines of a map. Each touch is deliberate, each caress calculated to drive you higher and higher until we are both lost in a whirlwind of passion and desire.

And then, without warning, I stop. My fingers pause, hovering inches from your skin as I gaze into your eyes, challenging you to make the next move.

The room around us comes back into focus, the sound of our heavy breathing the only thing breaking the silence. It is a moment of pure tension, a moment of anticipation that stretches on forever until...

You lean in closer, your breath hot against my ear as you whisper something I long to hear. My heart skips a beat as I realize what it is... "I need you inside me."

I smile, knowing that the moment has arrived. With one swift motion, I push you down onto the bed and claim you with all the passion and intensity of our connection.

And with that, the world erupts into chaos as our bodies become one in a dance of pure ecstasy.

Opening up and why we don't

Women: Men need to be open about hurts and what affects them. They can't just shut down

Men: Well, I feel that we are mistreated because....

Women: Fuck you, you have no idea, it's sooooo much harder to be a woman.

Man shuts back down. 

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I know I'll lose followers over saying this, but it's a fact. Opening up about what gets to us just gets it thrown in our faces.

I had a dream

I dreamed last night that my dead wife was alive, she had been in a coma and was now fine. 

Ohhh, all the things I was going to show her. 

But then I woke up. 

And reality is a stark place. 

Sometimes I am jealous of her. Dying. 

I wish it was me. 

1st of august

The 1st of August is a strange date

Exactly 25 years ago was my first night with Polli

Exactly 9 years ago she found a lump in her breast

Exactly 8 years ago the cancer was advancing and the infection that would kill her took hold. 

Being a man in the modern world.

 

The statistics are stark: according to the Health and Safety Executive in New Zealand, between 2015 and 2019, suicide was the leading cause of death among males under 50, accounting for 42% of all deaths. A similar picture emerges in many other countries, where suicide is either the number one cause or ranks high on the list. This is a sobering reminder of the need to reexamine our societal norms and expectations around masculinity.

 

Furthermore, research suggests that many men under 30 in the US identify as single, with 63% reporting this status according to a February 2023 Pew Research study. Many of these men are not seeking romantic relationships, yet they still navigate a world where they are often judged and limited by societal rules.

 

As a man, it's challenging to avoid being viewed with suspicion or danger before you've even had the chance to introduce yourself. This is because many people have internalized harmful stereotypes about men as predators. The truth is that not all men fit this mold, yet we're expected to conform to rigid standards of behavior in order to avoid being seen as threatening.

 

Consider the myriad rules men are taught to follow: walk on the other side of the street if a woman is alone at night, remove your hood when approaching a female pedestrian, never approach or speak to an unaccompanied woman, especially at night. These expectations are not only restrictive but also perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes. Men are forced to be constantly aware of their surroundings and on high alert for potential dangers to women, rather than being free to live their lives without fear.

 

The situation is even more complex for male educators working with children. Many are required to undergo training to ensure they can respond safely in the event of an unaccompanied child entering the classroom. This includes rules such as removing the child from the room within 60 seconds or leaving the room immediately. While these measures may be intended to prioritize student safety, they also reinforce harmful stereotypes about men and their relationships with children.

 

It's time for us to reexamine our societal norms and expectations around masculinity, recognizing that not all men fit the mold of predator or danger. By challenging these harmful stereotypes, we can create a safer, more equitable world for everyone.

D.E

 

The thrill of Sunday afternoon was upon him once again. John's eyes scanned the gridiron as his star quarterback, Rodgers, dodged defenders and launched a perfect spiral downfield. His trusty fantasy team, "The Blitz," was on a hot streak this season, thanks in large part to his clever trades and savvy draft picks. As he cheered on Rodgers' touchdown throw, John's mind wandered back to the late-night email exchanges with his league mates, negotiating deals and plotting their next moves. The bragging rights that came with winning the championship were worth all the drama and suspense – and John was determined to bring home the bacon for the second year in a row.

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If there are any women left, this one really is for the men. You can stop reading here.

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If any of my friends or family are reading. Seriously. Stop here or you will gain knowledge you never wanted about me.

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Monster Trucks!!!

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I have recently learned that a disfunction I have is not totally uncommon, 1% to maybe even 5% of men have this. No one seems to talk about it. You hear about the opposite of this all the time, it’s everywhere. But not this. It’s a difficult topic. If you try to discuss it with a possible partner they initially think you are talking crap. When it does happen then they still seem at first to have difficulty accepting it. Thankfully most women I have encountered are ok with it and some even think it’s fantastic.

I am talking about something called delayed ejaculation. It’s the total opposite to premature ejaculation. Where it can take anywhere from 30 mins to several hours for a male to achieve orgasm, for me, the best I can manage is around 45mins as an absolute quicky (generally a LOT longer than that. I think after some experience with this situation it’s best to explain things before the first time you have sex, that way there’s no suspicion from them thinking you aren’t that into them. They still tend to need reassurance that you are enjoying yourself.

Guys, something to have on hand is lube. Even if she’s pretty resilient, she will sometimes need a little extra, it will help you too. I find organic coconut oil is awesome. Also, no embarrassment buying it at the supermarket if you are worried.

I don’t really have much else to say on this topic. It’s not an easy one to discuss. I just wanted other men out there who don’t talk about this to not feel alone about it.

 

 

 

 

Desire

 

Desire,

An echo in the darkness of our souls,

A touch that ignites a thousand goals,

A yearning so intense it steals control,

It's a flame that never grows old.

 

It's a flame, it's a dance,

A magnetic, hypnotic trance,

A fervor that enhances the romance,

Desire, oh desire, in its powerful stance.

 

A murmur grows into a fiery roar,

A feeling that leaves us craving more,

A hunger that consumes us whole,

Desire, it's you I adore.

 

It's a heartbeat, fast and wild,

A rhythm that no one can build,

A longing that we cannot fulfill,

Desire, you are my thrill.

 

An allure that forever beckons,

A dream with no end or reckons,

With every beat, it seizes our hearts,

Desire, you're my sweetest start.

 

 

A passion that only you can ignite,

A storm that rules with all its might,

In your arms, I find my perfect sight,

Desire, you're the light of my life.

 

An urge that never loses its charm,

A mystery that continues to enchant,

In your embrace, I find my safe harbor,

Desire, oh desire, you're my sweet haven.

 

In the garden of life, where thorns may grow,

There stands a man, whose heart shows he knows.

With gentle hands, he tends to the scars,

Of a soul that's been wounded, beneath the stars.

 

He listens with patience, to stories untold,

Offers a shoulder, for tears to unfold.

His strength lies in kindness, not in might,

A beacon of safety, in the darkest of nights.

 

"Your past," he whispers, "is not where you are now,

Your courage, your resilience, shines brightly through.

I stand beside you, not to overshadow,

But to walk with you, through every shallow."

 

For he is the warrior, who fights with love,

A guardian of healing.

His masculinity is a tender embrace,

Uplifting the spirits, of those lost in the chase.

 

So here's to the men, who with honor, do see,

The power of supporting, a woman to be free.

For in the dance of healing, with hearts intertwined,

Lies the truest form of masculinity, one of a kind.

A hole called depression

 

Look.

I know.

I know I’m in a hole

I know it’s called depression

You think I want to be here?

You think I revel in this?

All I want is to be happy.

But my mind won’t take me there

I wasn’t always like this

I had goals, ambitions. Dreams

Then life.

It slammed me into the ground

Over and over

It slammed me.

Until there was nothing left of me but a bloody mess

And all I want is to get up

But I’m broken.

And left here.

In a hole.

Called depression

I want to get out, climb the walls

But my hands.

They are covered in my blood

And its too slippery.

I need you to stay back from the edge.

So you don’t fall in

I want to raise my hand

But I will pull you in.

And I cannot do that to you.

So,

I will sit here in my hole

And dream of better days.

 

Rantings of a madman

Good guys are out there. We do exist. You just have to look a little harder. We can often be found lurking in the friendzone because we are too scared to say anything. 

And when the right ones come along. Hold on and go for a fantastic ride. Do everything you know. Try everything you don't. 

Love. Love so well that when it hurts you, and it will, there’s no escaping it. When you do get hurt you feel it was worth the hurt.

Cherish life. Cherish the moments. Look at the little things, not the big things. Sitting on a blanket in the sun eating sandwiches, going for walks, watching a movie on tv together.

When life gets tough. Stand up and meet it face on. When it knocks you down, brush yourself off stand up and bring it on again. It will knock you down. Over and over again. But in between those times look for the sunshine between the clouds. It's there. If you only look for the sunshine eventually you will realize that there's more sun than rain. 

Knights in shining armour are no good. They have no experience, they are cowards who run at the first sign of trouble. Look for the ones with tarnished dented armour. They have been there and won't run away when things get hard. The easiest way to spot them is a healthy dose of sarcasm. 

Don't forget to laugh. If the bad things are coming then stand tall, stand proud and laugh right in its face. Stare death in the eye and at the last moment lick him in the face and run for it. You won't escape but at least you can go down laughing. 

Everything ends. That's a sucky fact but it does. But if it's not your time then hide for a bit, lick your wounds and make sure you come out of your corner swinging. Never give up till you take your last breath. Never. 

If you find yourself standing at the gates of hell ring the bell and run away. If your fucked you might as well go down on a prank.

Dance naked in the rain. But only in summer. Hypothermia is a bastard. So is pneumonia. Be out there but don't be stupid about it.

Be weird. Its more fun. Most people will be ok with it. The ones who aren't are not worth bothering with. 

Have fun with your body. You only get one and there's no point finishing your life with it in good condition cause its not gonna stay that way for long. 

Smile. Even if you want to cry. Eventually you will start to believe it. And if you don't you can freak people out who are wondering why you are smiling like a maniac. 

Sleep. It helps. I'm not so sure how to do that anymore. But its a good idea. It recharges the cells in your body. 

Be angry. Angry is ok. But don't stay there too long. If you spend all your time being angry then when everything else is gone the anger is all that remains. 

Be careful what sedatives you take when under severe stress. Some of them will have you up at 1am writing insane posts that I'm probably going to regret in the morning.

Pain

Sometimes it feels like the universe has it in for me, everything falls apart. The more it does, the more I feel myself turning inwards. The mask goes up. Not even those closest to me know exactly how I feel. 

I don't know if they would understand how I feel. I'm not sure I could even articulate my feelings. 

So, I smile, and carry on with my day. 

Because that's what I have to do to survive in this world. 

Anger and not showing it

 

When my wife was killed, for a long while my daughter was often angry. I understood why.

As a man, anger is not allowed. I had to be strong and simply carry on as my psyche fell apart.

Sometimes I would drink alcohol, a lot of alcohol, I would listen to loud, angry music so I could quietly sit inside my anger without showing it outwardly.  

Then I would go to bed, wake up the next day and carry on, because sometimes that’s all you can do.

 I’m not one for anger anyways. Never was me, but sometimes the hurt gets strong.

Difference in age

 

There is a charming naivety of a younger person. An optimism of the world around them.

There is a very different charm to an older person. They have maturity and experience. A lifetime of hurt has given them the ability to navigate difficult things, they have the ability to carry on, whatever is thrown at them.

I guess that’s why some people look for someone who is a different age. They can see what the other cannot.

Be kind while we discriminate

 

Be kind! The sign proclaims, while practicing discrimination.

This area is blacks only says another sign.

“Let women speak” was shut down by a bunch of people determined not to let women speak because they felt their rights were more important than anyone else’s.
Don’t forget the black woman who was praised for saying all violence in this world is caused by straight white men.

Or the black woman who won awards for her stories like the one where she wanted to go driving with her friends to find white men and… well…. facebook won’t allow me to say what they wanted to do.

We live in a world where tolerance is demanded but only when it suits some people. Otherwise the tolerant become intolerant.

Fatigue

 I'm so tired my legs hurt. I don't know why but in severe fatigue it feels like my legs are burning a little, but its the joint pain that really hurts. 

But, I'm a parent, so you ignore the pain and the fatigue that your body is yelling at you about, and you move, and cook dinner. 

Stopping

 Thursday night was odd. I finished work, did all my paperwork and sat. I realized I was done for the week, with a long weekend (easter) and it felt odd to stop. I wonder if part of my fatigue is that I really don't stop. There is always housework, and regular work, emails, messages everything happening. It's rare that I stop. 

Low key praise

 

A number of years ago I was called into a job. The computer network was going nuts and unusable, other specialists had failed to find the fault. After a number of hours, I was able to locate the cause. I wandered off to management and told them everything was fine. It was during a staff meeting. The whole room erupted in applause and thanks.

20 years later I still remember that horrific moment.

I love praise but moments like that terrify me. Even someone close to me, I have zero clue how to react. I spent so many years with so little praise it’s a foreign thing to me. But I love it even still.

So, what do you do with someone who loves praise but has a problem with it? I had to sit down and think about it for a bit and the answer is fairly simple. Keep doing it, but low key. Also do it in a way that does not solicit a response.

For example, if they cook dinner, walk out with the plates, “that was great” as you walk out.

Maybe they buy you a favorite food. “wooo, I love these” as you tuck into it.

Staring at them “wow, you are the greatest, I love you so much” is eliciting a response and it becomes awkward.

The ego of a man

 

I have discovered an awesome new range of feminine hygiene products. The ultimate in comfort.

Ok, now I have scared off the men……

I’ll let you into a secret. The most sensitive thing on a man isn’t his balls, it’s actually his ego. He won’t admit it because hes tough you know. If you constantly put a guy down or complain about what hes doing he will give up. He will stop. Then he will drift away.

Fill him with praise, boost his ego, and watch him start to move mountains for you.

What does a woman want, How do you become attractive

 

What does a woman want?

 

She will tell you it’s loyalty, honesty, openness and it’s true, these are the things she wants. But this is what she wants in a relationship. These are not things that will have her attracted to you in the first place.

Things that will attract a woman.

Grooming, she wants someone with a good haircut, a man who can dress well.

Fitness, someone who works to keep himself in good condition. Not necessarily meaning huge muscles and working out at the gym. But able to walk a short distance without dying.

Slightly aloof. She wants a challenge. Someone who comes at her with everything they have will drive her away.

Good at making things. Seriously, if you can knock out the odd bit of DIY and or yardwork, shes going to be into that.

Confidence, if you are confident in who you are and what you do, that’s gonna be like a magnet to her.

Intelligence, she wants a man who can carry a good conversation.

Humor, she wants to laugh with someone.

You don’t have to be all of these things all of the time. You don’t even need to be all of those things ever. But these are traits many women find attractive.

Despair Demon

 

The despair demon looked at me through slitted eyes.

“I have shown you your deepest hurt. Yet you smile, “it hissed.

“Thank you” I said. “It’s been a while since I saw my wife, and it was great to see my mother again”.

“But, seeing them again should have broken you” It almost howled.

I spoke gently, “Oh demon, I know illusions and I know reality. I accepted their passing long ago. It hurts, true, but it happened. And you know. I would have done it again. I don’t regret that love. All things come to pass”.

The demon was shrinking back, as if it was in pain. “Human, I will simply show you more, more of the truth of your life”.

“Go ahead” I replied “I have already been through it all and faced it, many, many times. You think I haven’t replayed it all, over and over again”?

The demon was scared now. “What are you?”

“Simple” I said. “I am me.”

Feisty

Feisty women are a lot of fun. Until they boil over and you end up in their path. 

It's difficult when you are this introverted and they come out swinging, at anything. 

I don't think I want another relationship again. 

But it's lonely. 

I'm lost. 

I'm not made for this world. 

I don't think I'm made for any world. 

Labels can be good

 

People often talk about how putting a label on trauma or mental health issues is damaging. People don’t talk about how positive it can be. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that one of my issues has a name, it’s a thing, it has… A label. And it didn’t make me feel bad. It made me know I was not alone, it allowed me to say to myself “it’s ok, others have this too”. I meant I could look it up and see it was a thing. Theres no “cure” but that’s ok. I don’t need one.
Just. I am not alone, it’s not just me. This label was liberating.

Honesty

 

We hadn’t been together long. My wife cooked dinner, and the potatoes were a little burned. I told her they were fine. She had anosmia so she has very little sense of taste. But she detected something. “They are burned aren’t they”? She had me fixed with one of her looks. “Yeah, they are a bit” I admitted. She looked at me, a bit mad “Then why did you keep eating them”? “Well, you put that effort into cooking them and I didn’t want you to feel bad” I tried to explain. “I never want you to put up with it again, because that’s dishonest. I want us to always be honest in this relationship, always.”

And that is why I always told her if the food wasn’t right. Because she wanted honesty above all else, in everything.

Lying

 I was in my 40's before I found out most men lie about their prowess in bed. 

Women are missing out

 

There is sex and there’s fucking a moist hole. Someone said that to me 30 years ago and I never forgot it. I have been lucky enough to have had some very open conversations with women over the years, I guess if they know I am safe and don’t judge they can open up. I’m so glad I was able to have those conversations. I learned a lot. I hope they did too. It’s surprising how many women have only experienced the latter. They have missed out on a whole new world. I am on a couple of singles pages in New Zealand and anytime I post something that even hints at sex the women get mad, the hate gets piled on. I find it sad. They don’t see or understand the depths of intimacy they are missing. We have bodies that are capable of such highs from sex and so many people are clueless as to what they are missing.

50th birthday

 

Some days are just going to suck. I have spent the past 3 days building a complicated spreadsheet, I’m about 2/3rds done. I am doing it because a large company has dumped me right in the crap, along with about 100 others who are also scrambling to deal with the fallout of what they have decided to do. I will be doing all this work for free. Deadlines for completion are looming so I’m going as hard as I can manage. It’s causing headaches and eyestrain despite frequent breaks. I’m exhausted and I will have to keep pushing longer yet.
And that is how I’m spending my 50^th birthday.

Spending money

 

I have spent the past few years running on a shrinking income, now I’m at the point of survival rather than living.

Anyways, I was given a small sum of money recently and I was able to take some and spend it on myself. Nothing extravagant, some secondhand parts for my PC that I didn’t really need. More of a want. 2 weeks later I still feel guilty spending money on myself with no way to justify that expenditure. Even though a week later I took my daughter to a dinosaur exhibition that cost double what I spent on myself.

We get it so ingrained when we are in survival mode that anything but essentials for ourselves is a terrible thing.

One day I hope I can afford to break out of that mentality.

 

Experience

Someone once said no man should be considered a real dom until they were over 40 because they lacked the life experience. A bunch of 20 and 30 year olds are probably bristling at that.

This is not a piece about Doms though. Thinking back, 20 year old me had more confidence, but arrogance and a lack of experience came with it. It’s taken 30 years of learning about women since then for my current level of understanding. I don’t profess to know everything or say I’m perfect. But I do know a lot more about life, about women, about sex.
Yes, I know, some hit 50 and never learn. Some have though. Some take the time to learn and understand. I wonder if that’s the appeal of older men. They have the experience that cannot be found in youthfulness. Then again, older men have been hurt more. Makes then harder, more withdrawn.
Just random musings. Something that needs more thought sometime.

 Scrolling through here and realize how many times I have repeatedly said the same thing lately. 

Fucked up brain too. 

Cant remember shit. 

Being alive

 I'm going to level with you. 

I loathe being alive. 

There, I said it. 

My body is in pain, always in pain, it never goes away. 

Add chronic fatigue syndrome. Everything is so hard to do. 

My business is trash, I don't have it in me to fix it. 

I don't get enjoyment out of life. 

The only reason I stay is for my daughter and dog. 

With out them I would exit. 

A pathetic end to a pathetic life. Fuck the world.

Choose something you like and don’t be good at it.

 

I play video games, badly.

I’m not some crazed person who plays 8 hours at a time. I try to play an hour a day, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, I like them, but I am terrible at them. I play on the easiest settings possible. This is a good thing though. You see, I only want it to be fun, if I am bad and intend to stay that way then there is no pressure to be good. I get to simply have fun. Nothing more.

So, if you have a hobby and you aren’t very good at it. Then embrace that fact. Do it for no reason other than to enjoy it, not to be good.

tired

I'm tired of being alive.

I'm always in pain. 

The chronic fatigue syndrome, it wears me down.

Struggle to earn money. 

There's nothing much to enjoy anymore.

A world full of colors has turned to Grey  

It's loud, full if selfish humans. 

I have an obligation to my daughter. I stay alive for her. All while my mind screams in frustration.