I just applied for a new job.
I am freaking the hell out and feel a little sick.
Que Sera Sera
What do I want to do?
I’m 48 and
I don’t know what I want to do in this world.
I thought it was operating heavy machinery. I got all the licences, I can drive
the biggest trucks allowed on the road. But my body decided otherwise.
I thought
retail, I can sell things and I love electronics. So I sold tvs and stereos. I
hated it, flogging electronics to people who couldn’t really afford them.
Dealing with pissed off asses, it was not something I could do, it burned me
out.
So, I
thought it was being an IT specialist. I learned all I could, won nationwide
awards, got on the cover of a magazine. After 22 years I think I’m running a
losing race, my clients are cutting my budgets more and more, I’m losing out to
nationwide chain stores. I can’t survive much longer.
So, I
thought an author, for 3 years I have poured everything into it. It has a lot
of ups, some real downs. But it doesn’t pay my bills.
So, here I
am. I’m 48 and I don’t know what to do with my life.
Ramblings of a mad man
That dam cursor on a blank page, flashing at me. Blink, blink.
.I learned something a few years ago. I found an anchor. Something to hold me in this world, because, honestly, checking out would have been a preferred option. I consider my daughter each time and what it would do to her. And so long as she’s here, so am I. Find your anchor and hold tight during the storms that threaten to rip you to pieces. Storms pass and they turn into waves instead.
.
Humans are such adaptable creatures. I saw a woman once with no arms changing her baby’s nappy, her feet had adjusted and she was doing so well, probably better than a lot of people with hands. Our minds adapt too. After Polli died I wanted company so badly. It hurt being alone. 6 years later I have found I have adapted. Happy to be alone now. In fact I prefer it. The more time alone the more I find I can simply be me. Now the idea of someone else, it seems like something difficult to cope with. Not that I have much choice LOL.
.
My thoughts are so scattered tonight, It’s hard to grasp them.
.
Alan Parsons playing right now, when I’m old and wise. Being young, we had so much enthusiasm, but we were also a touch stupid. Now, the enthusiasm has waned but replaced with experience. Gotta live to know things. I guess even the stupid things were needed. So long as you learn from them right? Done with the crazy though. Ready for peace now. One day. One day I’ll have it.
.
Maybe I’m still just a silly old fool. Then again, they say if you sit and listen to the rantings of a mad man eventually you will hear an extraordinary truth. Maybe one day I’ll tell that truth too.
6 years ago
today I took this photo, I walked into the building behind me in the morning a
married man, I stepped out of hospice a widow. It’s been a hell of a time dear
reader. Quite an adjustment, I have changed, changed a lot. I have grown, I
think I am more than who I was. Change and growth I never wanted but sometimes
we have no choice.
I don’t
consider myself the greatest dad, but I know my daughter won’t be in therapy in
10 years complaining about me, I think that’s a win. She’s grown up knowing she
matters, I have given her what I can.
I have met
some awesome people on the way, some… not so awesome. Good and bad, that’s life
though isn’t it.
To you out
there. I hope life treats you well, I hope there is more good than bad. And if that’s
not the case remember life is always changing, the bad will not last forever. If
you still have someone you love, go give them a hug, you never know when it’s
going to be the last time. We are all a moment away from our final day.
Love, love
so well that when you get hurt, and you will, there’s no escaping it. Make sure
that you loved so well the pain was worth it.
Step up
Women are the carers , the nurturers.
Men are the creators, the protectors.
Together they make a whole.
So many men have stepped back from this, creating an imbalance.
Step up, be who you should be,
Make the world whole again.
Television and trauma
It’s a
strange thing, the small traumas we have. For years I had trouble watching TV
because it was always something I did with someone. My daughter in the main
doesn’t like what I like so we rarely watch things together (apart from cartoon
movies). It felt so lonely, so I simply didn’t.
Recently I
was given some parts to upgrade my media system. So, I sat down to test it and
found I’m quite liking watching a bit of TV again. I guess it’s another step of
healing.
Single
This month marks 6 years since she died. I spent so much time looking for someone new with a few disasters along the way. Hoping, dreaming of finding someone again. Thing is, humans have a knack for adapting to their environment. It’s been so long now that I have adjusted to being alone. The prospect of someone coming into my life, it’s, daunting, and I’m not sure I want it anymore. Sure, I get lonely at times. But alone is starting to feel better.
I have noticed autistic me is kicking in. I avoid social situations now, I catch myself stimming (just fingers) when I am alone, I’m not hating it, it feels freeing, I’m allowing myself to be me. I’m also free to say and be me. All over the place and it’s not an issue.
Hi, I’m Edward, I’m an autistic 48 year old widow. I’m a bit of a mess but I’m ok with that.
I am me.
Goodnight Mr hedgehog
I'm a sucker for the down and out. I try to help when the odds are stacked against me. Maybe it's because I wanted so many times for it to happen to me. Some hard lessons learned there, I no longer ask for help.
Anyways, 2 days ago while walking Mr Barkington I spied a hedgehog in the gutter. It happens, they get hit by cars at night. But, me being me went to check on it. It was still breathing. So I carefully picked it up (I happen to know how to handle hedgehogs) and took it home. It was good timing because a few mins later the street sweeping truck came past.
So I got it home, checked for wounds etc and found none. It's very early spring here so maybe it had just come out of hibernation and was a bit disoriented.
I put it in a nice box with some bedding and let it sleep for the day (hedgehogs are nocturnal). In the evening I pulled it out, gave it a better check over and a small bath. It was not in the best condition. And put it back into the box. I tried giving it food and water, it had a teeny bit of water but no food. Anyways, as I said, odds stacked against me, to cut a long story short, it died tonight. At least it was warm, safe and comfortable I could do that at least for it.
Maybe when my time comes someone will do that for me too.
Moments
Moments. So
many moments in our lives.
We greet
our new pet, who becomes our lifelong companion
We hold
them as we say goodbye
Sometimes
we do the same with friends and lovers.
We watch a
butterfly on a summer afternoon.
Someone
abuses us when we know it should not happen.
We taste a
new food for the first time, sometimes good, sometimes bad.
We watch
the rain on a lazy afternoon with a cup of something in our hands.
We
experience pain so harsh we think we may die, or we wish we could.
All
moments. Those moments become a part of us, a part of who we are.
Those
moments, they really do define us. Let me tell you something though, we get to
choose something. We get to choose what we do with those moments. It’s the
greatest gift we have, the choice on what we make of those moments.
Life is an
easier path for some it’s true. Sometimes I wish mine was. But I know I still
have a choice. I can choose to be who I have become. I have some regrets in my
life, I’m sure we all do. But I still think at the end of it all. I can look
back on my life and say that overall, I took all of those moments and I did the
best I could with them.
I am me.
pleasant moments.
The most pleasant moments of my life are going to sleep beside a woman. The most frustrating is being unable to find that again.
Treasure the fact you still have someone. Not all of us are fortunate like that.
Done
I don't want to be here. In this world. It's full of mean people. Wish there was a good exit. Guess I'll be dead soon enough. An end to the pain and confusion.
Sigh
Another client preparing to dump me.
They are wanting changes made to their system, it will potentially put a lot of children at risk, I'm trying to explain it to them but they are wanting it to happen anyways. They probably think I am being difficult.
I hate innocent people getting hurt. This city is dangerous. Theres more than 200 registered sex offenders living here and no one is allowed to know who they are.
Strong? Brave?
Someone once said to me "I don't know how you did it, staying with your wife the whole way through." To this day I'm stunned over that. There was no way I would have done anything else. I never considered myself strong or brave, most things in life scare the shit out of me, but I will always protect those closest to me because doing the right thing, it's just what you should do you know. Never stay in an abusive relationship but also remember in a normal relationship not every day will be kittens and rainbows. Sometimes one or the other of you will be off your game.
Remain steadfast in your love. Storms in life will always come and go but its sure easier to weather them when two people believe in each other.
Maybe I am strong. I don't know. I just know what's right and I do that.
Fuck the world
Fuck the world and everything in it
Live for the moments my friends
You cannot find salvation at the bottom of a bottle or in the smoke of a bong, but its sure nice to be numb for a little
Try to treat your body with kindness it’s the only one you will ever have, but make sure you get some use out of it too.
You can never agree with anyone all of the time but if theres more tears than laughter you are in the wrong place.
Do not marry your job, you can be replaced on a whim, loyalty is just a word with little meaning to your employer.
Settling is dangerous, you may miss something better. But then again, it beats lonely right?
Be good in this world, you never know, maybe some of that kindness will come back one day
Take the ramblings of silly old fools with a grain of salt. But maybe there is something in my words right? If you stop and listen to the rantings of a madman you just may find some truth amongst the insanity.
shattered woman unlovable
We get
things programmed into us. Even when it seems obvious it’s wrong, your programming
tells you it’s not.
I spent 40
years being told I was stupid, that my ability to write was nothing more than
basic. That I would never amount to anything much because I was too dumb. When
I won an award for my work in IT, with my face on the cover of a magazine I put
it down to being a sales gimmick, even with 187,000 followers on my page I feel
like a fraud. No matter what people say, I sometimes feel fake. When you think
you are unlovable because you were told that for years, I understand why you
think that and no matter what I say will change it. Not at first anyway. But
you see, this is why I have patience with a shattered woman. I understand, what
has happened has been set in to you so deeply it stays. Maybe after years of being
loved every day, maybe we can change that a little for you.
That time I got engaged
Story time
with old MG.
This is the
time I lied to my wife and why you will all forgive me for doing so.
She knew we
were going to get engaged, it was a given but I was determined to make it a
surprise. Trying to get around an empath who knew the moment anything was a
twinkle off was not easy. I told her “maybe January February area we should get
engaged” (that was the lie). Now, I thought hard about how I was going to do
this. The initial thought was take her to the local cinema and have a message
up on screen before the movie started, I knew the owner and he would have done
it, but she would have picked up on the staff acting funny and as I said, I was
determined to surprise her.
I made a
plan, we occasionally went for picnics and had our favorite place. She loved it
and I could arrange it without arousing her suspicions. Ok, plan, now the ring, my sister used to be a
jeweler, I had the ring but it needed to be resized. We visited my sister who
used a great line, “Hey, I got this ring, I wonder what it would look like on you.”
Using that she was able to get the size, perfect, I dropped the ring in to a jeweler
to have it resized and then, intentionally, I put it out of my mind.
It was around
4pm in December (summer in New Zealand) when they called to tell me it was
done. Plan ready for action, I called my soon to be Fiancée and calmly said “hey,
can you get the picnic basket and make yourself ready?” Let’s have a picnic
after work, I’ll stop off at the supermarket and grab food, you don’t need to
do anything. I race off, get the ring, do 2 loops of the supermarket making
sure I had everything, nothing left out (ok, I got way too much). I get home,
ring very safely stowed in a box in my pocket.
I collect
her and we go out to our place. We find an area in some trees, no one around.
Perfect, we set everything out.
“OK,” I
say, “I have a wee surprise, close your eyes” she told me later she thought I
had bought some chocolate or something.
“Open your eyes now” I was kneeling in front of her, ring box opened and ring
facing her.
“Will you marry me?” She burst into tears and managed a “yes!”
This was in
the pre cellphones having cameras days, no pics I’m afraid. Then was the next
thing for her. Sitting and having an amazing picnic dinner wearing her ring
while wanting to go and tell all her friends. She managed it quite well. We got
home, I looked at her, smiled and said “you need to phone your friends huh?”
She nodded. “Go for it, I’ll get the picnic stuff in and put the leftovers in
the fridge.” She almost ran to the phone.
So there we
have it. I lied, and I’m not sorry.
A funny thing happened on the way to 48
A funny
thing happened on the way to 48
I’m 48???
How the hell did that happen? Wait, I’m saying something else here, it was
important.
So, I am Asperger’s
which tends to come with a side order of ADHD. A number of you will know aspies
will get hyper fixated on a subject and learn everything they can on it. I love
going to the fair when it comes to town, not to go on the rides but to watch
how they work, the brilliance of often simple engineering. I could go on for
ages about the unique qualities of my cars gearbox and engine (don’t worry I
know how boring that is and I won’t).
Somewhere
along the way, I have no idea exactly why, I became fascinated with the subject
of sex. I think part of it was guys saying how good they were and I wanted to
be as good (was years later I found out a lot of them were lying) but even
beyond what others said it was a fascinating subject. So, I did what I do, I
spent years studying it. I looked at everything I could, from women’s magazines
to porn to studying human anatomy to psychologists discussing the topic of how
men and women think. I was also so lucky to find a few women who were ok for me
to ask some rather explicit questions and get honest answers (did you know
around half of women prefer one breast over the other). I haven’t had many
girlfriends but I have loved every one of them, still talk to a number of them,
they were all special women and I treasure being able to partake in their
bodies.
It has only
been in the past few years, after starting Modern Gentleman that I took the
time to understand the Dom/sub dynamic. I think that’s why I have difficulty
with any label like that, because I simply didn’t know or feel it. Even after
spending some time talking to people (a number of subs mainly) I still don’t
feel I am one despite explanations that are pretty damn close to me. Rather
than a label I simply like to say I am me, uniquely me. My style is me.
I love to
pleasure a woman to her limits, I find it fascinating to watch, learn, study
what gets her going, how far we can go, it’s fascinating. I find she is more
than willing to see where she can go too.
Random
fact, I have never read or watched 50 shades of grey, just seen a few snippets.
I never
really fit into this world. I always felt like an outside observer. Modern
gentleman is a mix of my life and observations I have made while watching
humans with all their quirks.
I love
bringing pleasure to a woman, not just sex. Everything. I love the delight they
take in food too. The sassy ones are awesome because they seem to be the ones
who take such delight in all sorts of things. I love the ones who’s eyes light
up as they go into a random junk store full of “treasures” waiting to be
discovered, the smile as they emerge from a yard sale with some random item. The
way they leave a great movie talking almost non stop from excitement of what
they just saw. Damn I miss that.
Why am I
single? Because to see this side of me you have to get to know me. In person I
am the quiet one. I am hypersensitive, I see and take in everything around me
and it’s not easy, crowds are a horror to me. So much at once, and the noise.
It’s a personal hell. I’m totally understanding that a lot aren’t like that. I’m
happy to stay home while she goes out, no jealousy because I understand how
others need that social contact (very human). I also have limits on time I can
spend interacting although with practice I think I can be better at that again.
Hypersensitive.
I hate wool, how can people wear it? It’s like sandpaper. And denim, rigid.
Nope. A woman’s skin though, its so soft and smooth. Running my hands over her
body is so dreamy, I never get sick of it.
So, this is
a part of who I am. The Modern Gentleman. I am me.
Modern Dating
Modern Dating
A number of years ago (20 if I were to guess how long) a man around 50 became single, I was able to watch from a distance as word got around town that an eligible man was single and women started showing up at his work as customers, it became very apparent some of them were not looking at purchasing anything, some would return a few times dropping hints. The poor chap was oblivious to it all.
Forward to
2 years ago
My female
friend and I joined tinder at the same time. I setup my profile with a number
of pictures and a well thought out piece on who I was.
She put up one
blurry photo of her that didn’t even really look like her. She stated in her
profile she didn’t really look like that.
2 weeks
later I had 2 likes, no matches.
I happened
to be visiting her and she showed me her profile. 99+ likes (tinder stops
counting at 100). She said she had given up. Almost any male who she did like
with she matched. She had a few conversations and most times they were not
really looking for her type and half were assholes.
And here is
where we seem to have struck a problem. Most men now seem to have this, “I want
to go for anything with a vagina” attitude and it’s turning off all the women.
I’m not sure how or why it’s gone this way, is it the proliferation of dating
sites and pages? Or something more?
It’s
created a change in women, they stay away from singles anything because they
feel mobbed but it’s also created a world where the quiet men, who a lot of
women are looking for just never get a look in. They are unseen so the women
wind up with assholes looking for their next conquest and the good ones are
hidden in the back.
Sex with a shattered woman
Do you know
what I think one of the bravest things is?
A shattered
woman having sex again with someone else. Truly, she’s been abused terribly and
here she is, willing to be naked in front of a man body and soul and try again.
It’s taken
a lot for me to say that, because this is a subject that we all find
uncomfortable, but as a Modern Gentleman it is a part of who I am to have the
uncomfortable conversations. I have taken a couple of shattered women through
that stage of their journey. They have been terrified at first. But with
kindness and being ever so gentle, they have been able to open up, lay back and
allow me to take them places they have never experienced before. Once they
start seeing what they have been missing all that time, they become willing
participants in exploration of their bodies.
Dear
shattered woman. I see you. I hear you. This Modern Gentleman has pride in you
wanting to move forward. You got this, you really do. Feel the fear, it’s ok to
do so, and move forward.
-The Modern
Gentleman
-How to
love a shattered woman.
Shaking my head.
Car broke down today $1,000 to fix. It's Thursday, they are talking Monday at the earliest before I get it back.
I talk Modern Gentleman and relationships. Haven't even had a date in years.
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Walks, dinner and a movie
My friend came to visit for a couple hours, we walked our dogs, I put on a movie and cooked dinner. She went back to her sons place afterwards, I looked at Modern Gentleman and the page seemed so pointless. I talk relationships but can't manage one myself.
Sometimes I feel like simply deleting it and finding something more constructive to do with my life.
Boundaries
Look, I have very few boundaries, I would rather you were simply you.
Here's mine. If I piss you off, please be gentle about telling me, but I do want to know. Yelling at me is a trigger.
Ask away about my late wife but only in small portions, theres still pockets of pain there.
If you want to tell me about how you like barbie dolls still, cool, if you want to tell me you haven't pooped in 3 days and its getting to be a worry, cool. If you tell me that your favorite pastime is painting yourself blue and jumping naked out of birthday cakes then go you!
Dancers
Round and round the dance hall they weave, spinning in their dance. I stand in the middle, watching as they go. One spins in close as another spins away. Always moving in their dance. In and out they whirl in a never ending circle. Some get so close before spinning away again.
Never close enough to reach out, and hold on to.
I am me
You shouldn't say that.
You should be more like this.
Look that way.
Act like this.
But make sure you are authentic.
I am me. I will not be anything else, not anymore.
Alone
I'm tired, in a crapload of pain (despite visiting a sports therapist to get my back sorted) I'm worried about my future and money. Most of all, I'm lonely.
Who am I?
I spend a lot of my time feeling like an alien scientist who has studied humans for years and learned a lot, but never enough to fit in with them. Forever the outsider.
My back
My Back has wrecked itself again. 3 days of pain so far.
The pain comes and goes, right now it's excruciating. I reached for the painkillers, I hate them but I had to give in. They don't stop the pain, not when its this bad but at least they can take the edge off.
The dr said eventually my spine will snap. When it does I wonder if the pain will go or if it will be worse. Still, when that happens I have my exit plan. I just need to last until my daughter can take care of herself.
Am I becoming irredeemably single?
I'm slowly changing. I realized I'm sometimes flicking my fingers (autistic stimming). I'm having more and more trouble spending time with people. I'm withdrawing. Is this who I will become? An autistic recluse?
Is that such a bad thing?
The Greatest Story I Ever Wrote
The greatest piece I ever wrote will hardly be seen by any one. I'm pretty sure it's saved lives though. It hurt me writing it. It hurt me researching it too. I was forced to go through ptsd trauma over and over. There was no help, there couldn't be. So I faced it alone.
It was called Pollis story. It detailed over 6 pages how my wife was killed.
I hope I never have to read it again.
Dream
I had this weird dream last night that a woman let me put my arm around her while we were having a conversation. There was zero anything sexual about it. I enjoyed it and she did too. I think we were discussing computer networks.
;
I see people post those statuses on facebook saying I would rather listen to you than sit at your funeral.
Liar!!! I want to yell at them. Where were you that time 5 years ago when I fell apart? When I was begging for help, from anyone, just to talk to me. I sure as hell know where everyone wasn't.
Let me tell you something none of you know. I had my suicide planned. I knew how, I knew where. I had the equipment. "Call the suicide lines I hear." You aren't thinking about that at the time. All you want is the pain, the grief screaming in your mind to go away. And you hope, hope that someone will simply reach out and say, "I'm here, let's talk." But of course, we are men, the tough ones, we are expected to stand strong, to sand through it all, alone. Until we don't, and then we die.
I learned something that time 5 years ago. The only person who is going to drag myself through this shit is me. I will not make the mistake of asking for help again.
For the ones wondering what kept me here. I found my anchor in a storm. I kept it firmly in my mind, my daughter has already lost one parent, how terrible would I be to take her other parent. Dying doesn't just take away your pain, it hands it to someone else. Shitty answer? Maybe, but it kept me alive when all I wanted was to die. It's what keeps me going now too.
; I'm still standing.
You need to go and see what that noise was but she will make you a sandwich.
You need to go and see what that noise was but
she will make you a sandwich.
My dog is
half huntaway, his breeding is such that he has to be walked regularly or he
gets pent up energy and he does naughty things. It’s simply who he is. I’m sure
some huntaways would like nothing more than to sit around but the majority need
exercise. The point of what I am saying is humans have traits too.
A woman is
a nurturer who wants a protector.
She’s
looking for the rugged, strong man with confidence. No, you don’t have to be
all of those things all the time. If you are off your game a little her
nurturing side will kick in, but when needed, be a man and step up, always.
She’s still
the nurturer, that’s why she wants you to be open and real with her. Why she
gets frustrated if you are a closed book.
Shelter is everyone’s
basic need for protection. You don’t have to be able to build a house on your
own (although she will be impressed if you can) but some knowledge of power
tools, DIY and being the one who mows the lawns goes a long way.
My friend
was staying next door. She would come over, have dinner, watch an episode of
something on my TV. Afterwards I would walk her home. I would take my dog too, he
would race down her dark driveway as I held a torch (the one on my phone) for
her to see. I would open her gate “check around the back Jack” the dog would
race around the back. Once he flushed out a dog from around there, he chased it
right off the property. We would wait while she unlocked her door and went in,
then we would walk home. Simple things like this is what a woman wants, be her
protector. The simple act of walking closest to the road, being her protector
is what she’s looking for.
So, why
does she go for the asshole? That’s a bit of an evolutionary mix up. She sees a
man with confidence, a strong personality, capability in the face of danger and
her innate desire to be protected kicks in.
So, be
strong, protect her and she will take care of you. It’s hardwired into us.
jealous of depressed people
You know what bugs me? People who say they were so depressed they couldn't even go to work for 6 months. I want to say "how fortunate of you" if I don't work my daughter and I starve. Simple as that. I have no choice but to drag myself out and work, to at least try to keep myself afloat.
Being that depressed is a luxury.
niggles
Some days life gets to you. The constant niggling wears you down.
Today was one of those days. Nothing overly bad. Just all those little things got to me.
Still. It won't be today for much longer. 11:27pm..
I am me
Hi, I am me.
I have always felt like a bit of an alien in this world. An outsider looking in.
Sometimes I say too much. Go too far. Zero filters. You see, sometimes I get excited and I freely speak. Then I remember that people don't like that and I go the other way. The book of me slams shut. A lifetime of being silenced and ridiculed comes back in.
Being normal isn't normal to me. Trying to carry a regular face to face conversation, it's so hard, all those things to remember, body language, tone, inflections, and subject matter. All while trying to stay on the one topic. And then suddenly there's 2 people and I have to double my efforts.
Sometimes I go to get lunch, but my brain is suddenly distracted, repeatedly. Then it's 3 hours later and I'm going hypoglycemic because I didn't eat properly
But, I'm me. I'm kind, I care deeply, I think. And with all my faults, I feel overall I am a good person. Maybe, just maybe I will find the right people who will come into my life and accept me for who I am.
Hi, I am me.
There's no money
I take the car in for an oil change. I travelled twice the distance I was supposed to before I took it in.
They tell me the front brakes are almost shot.
The turbo intake hose is split
The transmission fluid needs changing, cambelt too.
I thank them. Get in my car.
I whisper an apology. Sorry girl, you are gonna have to hold out a bit longer.
There's no money.
I stop at the store, the one that sells the cheap cuts of meat.
I get in the car.
I apologize again.
Sorry body, The exercise is free, but good food real expensive, you will have to get by on that.
You will have to hold out a bit longer.
There's no money.
I get home to my daughter.
She wants to go places. Do things, be stimulated.
Once more I apologize.
Sorry, you are going to have to old out a bit longer.
There's no money.
Time to go to work, my business is devastated.
Put on the fake smile to my clients.
Hold out a little longer.
Because there's no money.
The big black dog of depression
Some people refer to depression as a big black dog. In my case I'm walking in front of the dog and it's endlessly following. Never tiring. I'm keeping in front of it but I'm tired of walking. I want to stop. But if I do it will catch up. Eventually, I know I'll lose
Critics
I know we are supposed to amplify the hurrahs until they drown out the boos.
Sometimes the criticisms get to me. I try not to.
But, sometimes they do.
Then I start to wonder, is it all my fault?
I know I'm not a great person. Maybe I'm even worse than I think.
Maybe, maybe this is my fault.
Maybe, just maybe, I deserve this.
Fatigue and depression
The more tired I get the harder I have to fight the depression.
It's always a battle, gnawing at me all the time.
Eventually as I get tired it gets a stronger grip.
Until it feels like I can no longer keep it at bay.
Then I shower, make my way to bed
and endure the nightmares that so often fill my dreams.
monachopsis
Monachopsis is the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Felt out of sorts the past few days. Like I'm out of place, or the world is.
I don't know. Can't put my finger on it.
Somethings out. Probably just me running on too much anxiety.
A fireball
16 years I spent with a fireball of a woman. Her wrath was immense when people got her going, but in all those years, she never turned it on me. Sure she got mad with me, we talked it out. Sometimes I would tease her a bit, get her fired up but she quickly realized I was being an ass.
Yesterday I accidentally got someone mad and they got angry with me. No ones fault really. She apologized several times later. But I had to walk away from her at the time. Felt out of sorts all day after that. I found I have PTSD triggers in me still.
Reminded me of why I am a mess and not relationship material. Those times are passed.
PTSD
When someone triggers your PTSD, and you need to spend the day acting like you are ok.
But you aren't.
The last 6 years
The last 6 years has felt like my life gets sucked into this rabbit hole of insanity. It gets deeper and deeper. I try to pull myself up, but all I do is fall some more, I try to hold on but my hands are covered in my own blood. Makes the sides slippery. I don't know anymore, guess I need to resign myself to falling. I wonder what's at the bottom and when I'll hit.
Maybe one day things will get better. For now I'll simply try to hope, even when hope has failed.
dreams
Dreamed I found polli in New Plymouth. I drove up there to collect her. She said she's found somewhere new and likes it there. She might come back sometimes but she's not moving back..
.
Haven't felt her around in a while. Guess she's gone.
.
Feeling lost.
I have sat
here for days, lost, after witnessing the brutality the police visited upon a
group of peaceful protesters. I have felt grief, pain, sorrow and… anger.
What have
we become here in New Zealand? We are a lost, divided people. Today I saw a
video of the recent protests, but not the anger. It was a group of people
united, in love, compassion, honour. We, were, one, and I remembered, this is what
we are striving for. We cannot become like the others, filled with righteous
anger and hate, I know that’s so easy to do. Remember the convoy and freedom
village for what it was, a glimpse of people coming together, a peaceful
resistance against the lies and hate. There is hope for humans yet. We can
become this again.
These are
dark times indeed, but what will come from the ashes is going to be what we on
the side of kindness are longing so deeply for. A world of peace. Remember, It’s
always darkest before the dawn.
weary
I'm tired. My soul is worn out. This world is a terrible place and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.
Battles
5 years ago
today I walked into a room and faced the people who killed my wife. I spoke
carefully and factually for almost 2 hours detailing to them and the others in
the room exactly how and what happened. Preparing for it and being there did
not psychologically help me, but sometimes you simply have to do what’s right. In
the end all I achieved was a 2 page letter of apology with promises of a few
changes. Others may survive because of what I did. At least her death won’t be
a complete waste.
I will
always shy away from confrontation and arguments when I can. But sometimes you
have to stand up when something isn’t right.
Sometimes a
Modern Gentleman has to battle.
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