How's it going?

 Hey how's it going? 

Terrible, my health is failing, the depression is hitting me hard from the exhaustion. 

I'm sorry, hey, I have this problem with my computer.......

1am and friendzones

1am. I should be asleep.

Got planted firmly in the friendzone tonight. Pity, she seemed so nice. She did it kindly. I knew it was coming. Already worked out the logistics, it wasn't going to happen. I'm used to it, but, well. That teeny spark of hope. It gets that little more dimmer. 

 Facebook wouldn't allow me to post this. Apparently it violates community standards. Seriously, fuck you facebook. You really are a faceless corporation with literally zero empathy.

 

Earth is a special hell.

 

Why are you single.

 

Why am I single? Why? Let me tell you. 

I am good, I am everything you read.

But you don’t see the rest. You don’t see what’s going on inside.

You didn’t see me almost having a panic attack because I had to buy fuel that wasn’t at my favourite place.

You didn’t see me upset because I can’t get the pants I like anymore and it’s the only type I wear.

You don’t see me trying to make myself go to the cheap supermarket because my income is disappearing. I’ll do it soon, really I will. Its just my one is more comfortable.

You don’t see me sitting in the parking lot before giving up and going home. I couldn’t go in today.

You don’t see me hiding in my bed for an afternoon mindlessly scrolling facebook because the world is too loud.

You don’t see me awake at 3am trying to figure out how to keep my broken family going. Me n my daughter.

I want to be like you, I want to me normal. I want to I want to. But I’m not.

I will never turn it on you, that will never happen. Ever. But me. I’ll turn on me in a second. Just like so many others have done to me.

I wish someone would turn up, I wish she would break down my walls. I wish she would allow me to be me until I heal me. I wish she would stay and hold on. I can be better, I can, I was.

For now I am a broken person in a broken world.

Buried alive in a hole I dug myself. I’m trying to get out, trying and trying but its deep and sometimes I slip, then I have to climb again and my hands are bleeding.

 

Release from a narcissist.

 

We were sitting together one night having a beer. She took a gulp, put the beer down and a teeny burp escaped. I looked at her and grinned. She looked back, mortified. “I’m so sorry” she stammered. “Ugh” I thought, “her asshole narc ex.” I kept smiling, “that was so freaking adorable.” “Now this”, I said and chugged half a bottle before ripping a larger burp “is a real burp.” She looked slightly stunned for a second. “Sorry, it’s just he would tell me off for anything that was not becoming.”

She burped again, just a little bit. I grinned at her. She smiled back, feeling just that little more free of him. Just a small step to her being her.

Harsh times bring on harsher times

 Well, it's a shit show right now. I knew my biggest client was going to drop me but I hoped, you know? Hoped it wouldn't happen. So there goes 1/3rd of my income. That's after I lost half of it a few years ago. I don't even earn minimum wage anymore. All I have to show for it is $12,000 in credit card debt. No longer the celebrated top IT person in the country. 

My health is shit. It's getting worse. I can only do a few hours work before needing to stop. I'm trying to get hospitals etc to listen. But I'm just a number, a simple statistic. So I go on to the waiting list and hope I live long enough to attend their appointments. 

And now, someone has turned up. Dear reader, she's kind, intelligent, caring and I'm going to say it. Real pretty too. Logical me kicks in, sees the logistics. She's stuck there, I am stuck here. Close, but not close enough. 

Fuck you life. Give me a break. Come on. 

I know, It's always darkest right before the dawn n shit. But fuck me. This is just too much. 

Gotta stay, for my daughter. 

Drunk Ramblings pt3

 

I sit at a blank screen, blink, blink flashes the cursor. What to say? What to say?

47 years, feels more like thousands of years. They call me an old soul. I feel it some days.

You gotta hurt, hurt to learn. I don’t know why. But its true. If you grew up fortunate you don’t know. You don’t know what it is to be dragged through the mud. You simply can’t relate.

You can have sympathy. But you don’t have empathy. Not until you have been burned. Not until you have been at the bottom, begging the universe to just kill you.

You think you know me. You don’t. None of you do. Not even my family. I’ve seen things, experienced things. Helped people. Ones you have no idea about.

I am me. No more no less. I’m no hero. Just an ordinary human who never got the hang of being ordinary. My mind is a mess, helps me see the world differently. Good and bad that one.

Kindness. World needs it so badly but it can’t happen. Too much fear. Gotta be tough or get broken.

We know the world is wrong. It’s why we have our things to get through. Alcohol, drugs, pills, buying shit. Sex (oh I miss that one) We know its all a mess, powerless to stop it.

It’s gonna get worse. Economy is a trainwreck about to unfold. Theres coming a point where its going to hit. Many casualties. People don’t know. Too busy hiding in fear, unable to see it. Good. Distraction. Easier.

Alone. Not a fan. Won’t compromise. Refuse. No putting up with shit. Modern Gentleman knows, I aint much to look at, but I bring good things to the table, even if I am a mess.

What is the modern gentleman? Here to show people. Mainly women. There is good. If they see it then they know. Less putting up with shit. If they all refuse to put up with shit then shit will have to change.

 

Hurting people

 

Yeah, I’ve hurt people. I never like doing it but sometimes in life that’s how it goes. Sometimes you get in a corner and there’s no choice. Sometimes you gotta do it for a promise, sometimes wrongs have to be righted.

I had to stop them. I had to try. My wife wasn’t the first one they had killed. I never knew that at first. No one told me that when I started down that track. My wife made me promise. “If I don’t make it through this, don’t you walk away. You don’t walk away, you stay, and you fight them for what they did to me.” My last promise to her. I’m nothing amazing and I am a total pacifist, but a promise is a promise.

So I gave myself 2 weeks and then I started down the path. I tore myself to pieces. Recounting in detail everything they did that lead to her death. 6 pages. 6 terrible wrenching pages. Some saw what it was doing to me and told me to stop. No, a promise is a promise. No retreat.

“I’m on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell” goes the song. I played it over and over. “Arms wide open I stand alone, I’m no hero and I’m not made of stone.”

They tried, they tried to stop me. They even bought in my therapist to get info from her. Nope, didn’t tell her shit. I know how to walk alone. Done it for so much of my life.

They called me after they got that letter. I could tell the woman had been crying. Good, it made it’s point. She apologised, then I knew it was right, because there’s no way she was allowed to apologise. Wrong side of heaven. Don’t care. Sometimes the Gentleman must be a warrior. Yes Kenny Rogers, Sometimes you’ve gotta fight when you’re a man.

They offered me a meeting. With 2 people not involved in her care. Nope. No. I was taking this all the way, seeing it through. I told them I wanted them all there, all those involved in her care. I am a quiet, autistic, introvert. Didn’t care. I’m no hero. But there comes a time when you must stand. If it was for me I may have folded. But no one does that to mine. So I walked in and faced 10 heads of department and surgeons. I found out later that they think these meetings are a bit of a joke. The person yells a bit, cries and then leaves. No, nope. Not me.

They had one last thing up their sleeve. Almost got me. They were all there waiting for me. Made me sit in that room after they were all comfortable already. Then they told me I was running the meeting. Bastards. Nope. Fuck ‘em. I was prepared anyways. So I simply started talking. I never yelled, never go mad, sure as hell didn’t cry. Over the next 2 hours I carefully slowly, factually tore them to pieces. Was I trying to hurt them? I sure was. With no one else to worry about I didn’t give a shit anymore. I was going for it. I knew I was impacting them when one of the surgeons broke down and started crying.

I couldn’t help my wife. But I managed to make some points. Most people will never know, don’t care, it wasn’t about ego. I have saved lives with some of the changes. Some they refused. But I made a difference. She didn’t die for nothing. And I kept my promise.

Did I damage myself? Yeah. That was mental torture. I faced it pretty much alone. No friends, they would not have coped and I had to focus, couldn’t be pulling them along.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

One day, maybe one day I will get to love again, love like that. I hope so. I hope I never have to go through that end ever again. But you can bet, if I have to, I will. Song just came on, turn the page

I shall remain, The Modern Gentleman.

alone

Feeling very lonely this morning. Maybe it's the fatigue. Working hard, feel like shit, and the straps on my CPAP aren't working right so I'm short of sleep too.

nightmare

 Last nights nightmare. I had left my car parked on the side of the road. When I returned it wasn't where I thought I left it. Dude said he had, had it towed. I didn't believe him because there was no legal grounds for it to be towed and he couldn't tell me who the towing company was, he gave me a street but there's no towing company on that street. So I went searching for my car thinking I had forgotten where it was. No sign of it so I'm thinking maybe it did get towed. I pull out my phone to start searching for a towing company in that area and to call them and my phone was broken, very, very broken, a massive hole right in the middle. 

Going to bed

 

It’s getting on, I shower and climb into bed, I can hear her in the shower getting ready for bed too. She wanders into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. “ooh, can I borrow your towel?” I ask with a grin. She gives me a look. “Hey, a guy has to try, it’s not my fault you have a great ass,” I respond to her gaze. She does a small eye roll but there’s a grin there. “Roll over,” she says, “so you can’t peek”. “You know, I have seen your naked body thousands of times,” I grumble as I look away. “Yeah but you know I hate you watching as I climb into bed” I feel her climb in and I roll back over.  “It’s a bit chilly” she says. “I know, now I get to snuggle you with all my warmness.” I roll over and wrap myself around her. “ooh you are warm” she coos. “I know, my hands are warm too, just right for your tushy!” I say smiling. I nudge her to roll on her side and my hands find their mark. “Did I mention you have a fine ass today?” I ask. “Yes, I believe you did once or twice” she said with a smile. “Oh good, just checking.”

It never got old.

lost cause

Sometimes you go looking for salvation at the bottom of a bottle. You know it's not there, but at least you can escape for a little. Just some respite from your screaming mind and the pain your body has to endure.

Walk away, leave me here to drown.

Depressive episodes

 I'm a few days into a depressive episode, doing nothing but the bare minimum. Sleep a lot. 

No one has noticed. 

Shitty dreams

 Last nights nightmare was heartbreak. 

I dreamed my wife didn't die. She decided to leave me. Fresh heart break. I woke up and still hurt. 

Isn't it interesting how it's our heart that hurts in these times. 

Been down all day. 

I tie my shoelaces wrong.

 

I tie my shoelaces wrong.

I have been told by many people the way I tie my shoelaces is odd. Some have tried to show me the “right” way to do it. I’m not changing. It’s how my mother showed me to do it. A little fragment of her lives on in that moment. Yesterday I drove past the place she was killed, 20 years ago. As always I slowed a little, acknowledged the place as I always do.
Sometimes Facebook memories show me parts of my life with my late wife. Some of its fun, nice, some of its harsh and brutal, her death was a terrible way to go. Fragments will remain with me for the rest of my life, good and bad.
I can wander through the house and there are reminders of people, the paintings done by my grandfather. A small marker pen drawing on my porch that I refused to paint over done by someone I am close to even though we don’t talk often.
A few days ago something from my facebook memories came up about my wife. It wasn’t a good reminder and I commented on it. I was told by someone it was time to move forward over her death. The thing is all those past experiences are what bought me up to where I am now. Both good and bad. It’s not about letting go or moving forward. It’s about acknowledging our pasts and building on them. Did I love my mother? Absolutely. Did I love my wife? Totally. I accept their deaths, I acknowledge they are gone and they aren’t coming back. But I refuse to block everything they did, everything they were and every effect everyone who has been in my life has had on me, everyone who has been in my life is a part of who I am.

Societies rules

 

Society has all these rules. You must look a certain way, you must be a particular type of person. You have to be outgoing, but not too much, you have to dress with the current styles, but be mildly different, but not too much. Look feminine, but not too much, look masculine, but not too much. Wear makeup, but make it look like you don’t. Be skinny, but not too much. Be with someone but act like you don’t want to be. Be independent, but be a little dependant.

In the end we have a bunch of confused people who have no idea who they are supposed to be or how they should act. Here’s the Modern Gentleman’s advice. If no one else is being hurt (apart from the twats trying to force you to be who you aren’t) then be you, talk your talk, dress your dress, think your thoughts. Cast the “trying to make you into who you aren’t” losers aside. It’s way easier and one piece of freedom you can have.

Darkness

 

almost 4 years

Monday will mark 4 years since my wife died. It's hitting me hard today. I wish I didn't have to face those times alone. Then I feel guilt over wanting someone else. I know it's not the case, and I keep telling myself she's dead and not coming back. But It's hard, feels a bit like I'm cheating on her. 

Sometimes I am ok with being alone, I'm not entirely sure I am relationship material anymore, maybe I am too broken now. A few attempts have not gone well.

Hopes n dreams

 "It's all gods plan" or "god doesn't give anymore than you can take" has to be the two shittiest fucking things people can say, next one to give me either of those is going to wear a full aspie meltdown from me and are going to be told to get fucked in no uncertain terms. 

My mother is dead, my wife is dead, my sister has a big tumor in her head, my father has cancer. My company is going bust and I am fucked if I know what I am gonna do about that. My back is getting worse, I'm in pain, all the time, the only time I cant feel it is when I am drunk. It always seems like the more I go down the more people want to fuck me over. At one point shit got so bad when my first house was taken from me the stress was so much on my wife we lost our son. Christmas day. Fucking great day that one (sarcasm).

Sure, I could turn into a nasty piece of shit and people would go "well, he's had it pretty hard" but I won't, every day I am going to pick myself up and be me. If I have to drag myself through this fetid sewer called life I will. 

What I do is I dream. I dream that someday, somehow, things will get better. Statistically speaking if I keep going then somewhere something good has to happen. If you flip a coin it can only come up tails so many times before it changes and you get heads. 

I hope that someday, somehow someone is going to go, wow! Hes a good guy. He's been through some shit and yet he's still, a good person. I'm going to show him some real love. 

Sometimes

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was to run out of money.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was like to talk a woman out of suicide because their partner held them down and punched them in the face in front of their kids. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not having held your partner who was crying, dying in pain, and the pills just aren't cutting it tonight.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Being able to turn a blind eye to those in poverty in our community, instead of working with them like I do. "Because they are there by choice"

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was better because I never turned to illegal drugs because I didn't have the money for the legal ones. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking there was no meth epidemic, it's just a few bad apples. Not knowing the pain that pushed them there. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was above women who sold their bodies to try and make rent.

Actually, you know what? I'm glad I'm not like you. Sure, I lack your privilege, but at least I have reality and not your delusions. 

I remain, The Modern Gentleman. 

Single

 I give. I'm single. I'm accepting it. Not interested in a relationship anymore. It's easier this way. Less hurt. 

Depression is a leading cause of disability

Read this and let it sink in..... 

"Depression is a common mental disorder affecting more than 264 million people worldwide. It is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities.  It can also disturb sleep and appetite; tiredness and poor concentration are common. Depression is a leading cause of disability around the world and contributes greatly to the global burden of disease. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life.

The causes of depression include complex interactions between social, psychological and biological factors. Life events such as childhood adversity, loss and unemployment contribute to and may catalyse the development of depression.

Psychological and pharmacological treatments exist for moderate and severe depression. However, in low- and middle-income countries, treatment and support services for depression are often absent or underdeveloped. An estimated 76–85% of people suffering from mental disorders in these countries lack access to the treatment they need. "

That was from the World Health Organization.

Depression is leading cause of disability. A leading cause. This world is messed up. It's wrong. We all know it. But all that happens is we get fed more and more fear. The economy, wars, overloaded in our jobs. It's been going on for generations. I have very few answers. All I can do in my small corner is to be kind where I can. 

Not a victim

 I have never seen myself as a victim. Sure, shit things have happened to me and been done to me. It's messed me up, given me a ton of issues. I still don't feel victim is right. Growth from fire? Maybe. This is not the life I planned or wanted, but nope. Victim sits wrong. 

The song playing right now. "That's the way it is".  Yeah, it's just the way it is. 

I just remembered, my wife said she was no victim, she was a veteran. Hmmm, wise words. 

I am not a victim of life, but a veteran of my battles. Here I am. I remain.  

Used

 

5 years

Today I took the dog for a walk at the beach

5 years today

I went looking for a screen door for my porch

Since she found that lump in her breast.

Had McDonalds for lunch

It’s been heartache after heartache.

I took a nap in the afternoon for 30mins

A lot of people don’t understand though.

I mowed the lawns

I want to move on.

Hmmm, need to think about dinner.

I’m tired of being like this.

Hey Polli

She was this broken wee thing when I met her. But here was this spark. Oh, and her mind. Yeah, she were crazy, but she thought and saw things differently. Depth, you know. And when she got talking, I could just listen. And she got so passionate about things. So adorable.

I love a woman with a bit of crazy. Passion and fire. I love to sit back while they get going on some topic that they love.

Choices.

She had the choice, stick with me, a life a little more tame but one filled with love and appreciation, or one that was wild but one she could never heal from her past. She chose wild. It hurt, but its her choice, now shes in a psych ward. I tried. But some people you just can't reach. 

I don't fit

I don't fit in this world. I feel like I'm an alien marooned on this planet. I try to blend with the inhabitants but they are weird and random. It's so much work trying to follow their ways that interaction wears me out. I sometimes think they pick up on it too. Like I'm a target. I'm different. Different is always picked on.

Please. I want to leave. 

bad weekend

It has been a harsh weekend. I'm so down. I gave up on Saturday. Just let it happen. I tried so hard on Sunday. Tried to turn myself around. Then one snippy comment from someone and it all crashed right back down.

Been talking to someone. But. I don't think it's happening. She talks to me in small amounts but. Meh. Pity. She seemed good. She has 2 daughters. That would have been a squeeze. I don't know any more. Need to go back to my plan. Stay alive until my daughter is old enough. Make no other plans. So alone. Just one special person. Please?

Or kill me. I'm cool either way. Just make sure Sophia is looked after. 

their stories

When they open up and tell you their stories. And they are brutal. And heart breaking. It hurts me to hear them. I feel their pain. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will listen to every single one of them. No matter the pain. It's not much. But it's something. 

Facebook and Censorship

Nearly two years I have spent working on the modern gentleman. It looks like it's in it's final days. I have fallen on the wrong side of the giant corporate juggernaut known as facebook. More and more they censor me. Trying to turn me into their biased bullshit version of a good citizen. One who never questions, but blindly follows. Time after time I wind up facing these bullshit giants. Universities, Hospitals, Government and now Facebook. I hate backing down from what's right. It's not me. But I never win. 

I'm tired dear reader. Tired of this world. Tired of standing alone. 

Hello Darkness

Some days the world gets too much. Tonight is one of those nights. Just gone 19 years since my mother was killed. Almost 4 years since my wife was killed. My life feels like a never ending shit show. So many bills today. Running out of money fast again. Outgoing higher than incoming. 

 And that piece in my head. I don't want to be here. 

I want a hug. Once again. Not gonna happen. 

Fuck. My. Life. 

FB jail and dishwashers

I'm in facebook jail again. Bad me. Womens bodies are unacceptable in modern society. Fuck you facebook. 

Dishwasher is faulty. I hope somehow I can fix it. Fuck knows. 

My only physical friend is again growing more and more distant. Hurts. 

I want a hug. Dumb. Not gonna happen. 

My corona money is almost all gone. My income is not matching my outgoings. Fuck knows. 

That feeling is back. I really don't want to be alive anymore. I'll remain, for my daughter, even though she makes my life hard. I'll remain. For now. 

Dear God. I have some questions.

Dear God, I have some questions.

Why did you take my wife before she even made it to 50? The one good thing in my life? 

Why did you take my mother before she made it to 60?

Why is there a mass in my sisters brain?

Why does my father have cancer?

Why am I autistic? Why is my daughter also autistic?

Why do I have chronic fatigue syndrome?

Why do I have rheumatoid arthritis?

Why do I have osteocondritis?

Why do I have to live every waking moment in pain?

Why do I have to live knowing that some time soon my spine will give out and I will be in a wheelchair?

.

Why do you supposedly only give people as much as they can take? Do you say that to the people hanging from trees with a rope around their neck?

.

Tell me about childhood cancers?

And plagues? 

.

Why did you not want man to have knowledge?

.

Why do you allow such atrocities to be committed in your name?

.

"When I come before you I will not be begging for forgiveness, but demanding an apology" -A rough translation of words found scratched onto a wall at Auschwitz. Why did you leave so many to die so terribly?

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murder and exhaustion

The world is protesting, people are marching in the streets, there is rioting and looting because a black man was killed by police officers. I get the outrage. But when my wife was killed by those charged to protect her there was barely a murmur. Months of ripping myself to pieces for justice ended in a tiny 2 page letter of apology. 

That's it. I'm left to try and carry on. No help. I'm so exhausted. People don't get it. My daughter is autistic. She may seem almost normal but she isn't The one that hurts the most is her lack of empathy. She doesn't care about me. I have been asking her for days for help. She won't. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to use the last of my energy to clean a bit. It's going to push my body over the edge. But it has to be done. 

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Please, whatever is supposed to be there watching over us. I can't do this anymore. Please, help me. 

Please. Not people looking on going awwww. I need actual help. 

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Or just fucking kill me. Seriously, I don't give a fuck either way. My life is shit. I don't want to be here anymore. 

Hello darkness my old friend

I saw this today. I don't know. It's been a long hard time. I got sick, really, really sick, like, "will I survive?" sick. Tonight I just feel alone, I want to curl up with someone and just hold on for a bit. But there's no one. Today I am still here. And she isn't. I'm exhausted from fighting this illness and I just want to not be the fighter. Tired of life. Trapped in a body that gives me nothing but problems but it won't give up. 

Mothers Day Weekend

Well, here it is. Mothers day weekend. I used to love this weekend so much.

I wanted my wife to have the day all to herself with no obligations to other family so we moved her day to Saturday. On the day we always did a big road trip to somewhere special, the whole day was filled with fun things for her. She loved it.
Sunday was actual mothers day.

Now I have no wife, and my mother was killed too.

The day is blank.

And I can't say anything to anyone because I don't want them to feel guilt.

Hurts. I feel very down and very alone.

Accepting single. No longer looking.

A few days ago on one of the singles facebook pages I was on there was a big drama. There are often dramas on those pages. Anyway, I realized how much easier my life has been lately. I can just be me without compromise. So I removed myself from all of those pages and deleted tinder. This Modern Gentleman is starting to think that maybe alone is better. I had my time with someone, it's done, it's over. I'll simply have peace instead. Living life for me.

Life and death

I hope you don't take this as a poor me post. Do not feel sad. This life has been quite a journey with ups and downs. Sometimes we need those downs to understand things.
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It's a funny old thing life. You live it day to day, often just trying to make it through to another day, another, week, another month. Sometimes you get a wee reminder that one day it's going to be no more.
I'm sitting here, showing symptoms of Covid 19. I am sick, it's not an infection. Slim chance I have it but I have to wait 2 days to find out. Makes a guy think.
46 years. Some of it went in the blink of an eye. Some of it dragged to feel like 4 lifetimes already. I have seen too much, hurt too much and said final farewells to too many people.
It's been hard a lot of the time. So many wrongs and unfairness. There are some bad people in this world. And they simply get away with being bad. Just because someone is bad doesn't mean being good will cancel them out. There's an unfortunate truth. People have done such nasty things to me. I'm not going to talk about that now.
Then there is my heath. I try not to talk about it too much. I am an open book, but why burden others with it, few want to know anyways. I live every day in constant physical pain. In some ways you kind of get used to it. But it's always there, gnawing at you.
I am tired. Tired of all the bad stuff. Tired of mean people, and tired of my pain. I get the lesson though. All the terrible things. It's given me empathy and understanding. I hear peoples stories. I do not judge. I get it. I understand. Not from compassion. But from Empathy. Two different things.
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I have loved and been loved. Now there is what makes it worth it, for me. I raise a glass to those few who I have had an intimate connection with. Not just my wife. To the others as well.
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There's also all those moments. You know? A simple picnic with family, and butterflies ( I know, tough guy) I love those little buggers, so colorful and they are too light so they cant really fly straight. Just going around doing their thing. Road trips to places. And, I'm going to admit it. Hugs. I miss those a lot. Walking in nature, good food, something funny. So many little things.
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Have I lived a full life? Yeah, I think so. Done all sorts of weird and crazy things. Regrets? Not many. I would have liked to have had one last long term relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe not.
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If you are lucky enough to be in a good relationship right now. Do me a favor. Go give your significant other a big hug. One day, they aren't going to be there for that any more. Or you wont be. There is a harsh truth. One day it's going to end.
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If you don't have one. I hope you find love one day. The right love.
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Life is shorter than you think.
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hospital

So I had to take myself up to the hospital tonight. It was full so they stuck me in the Transit area, that's where they put the patients going home. First woman was elderly. She's terminal and doesn't have long to go. She's wishing she can visit her grand children. But right now she can't. Not with the country in lockdown. She's not sure she ever will hug them again. 

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Second woman. A lot younger. Scarring all over her arms. She seems so kind. Such a nice person. There's some demons in her.  

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I wish I could help. You know? Bring some joy to them. But it was not my place. Apart from a smile and a few friendly words. 

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This modern gentleman wants to help. But I can't, not like that. So, here is my Facebook page instead. I have made it to show people they can be treated right. Not just can. They should. You all have the right not to be treated like shit.

a change in my mind

Something has changed in me. Sure I miss my late wife. And I still have fond memories, of course I do. I spent half my life with her. But, I have noticed lately. An.... acceptance. It's not quite the right word, but it's close enough. It's difficult to explain right. Yeah, there are triggers and things. But I accept that she's gone. That is a period in my life that is complete. It is no more, and, I'm ok with that. It feels odd, it's difficult to explain. But I feel ok that she's gone. That does not diminish what we had either, but I feel ok. 

I got to stop

Everyone hating this lockdown. For the first time in many, many years I have been able to stop. No guilt. Just be still. It's allowed me to catch up with myself. To recover from life. I have been given enough money to get by, I have my home. I can simply rest. It's like I can actually heal a bit. 

I'm sorry to those having a difficult time. But for me. This is a peace I have not had in a long, long time. 

I am thankful. 

companionship

I look at my daughter sleeping, holding her stuffed toy.
Humans are hard wired for companionship.
When ever I see someone saying that they will never want anyone, it makes me sad.
I am sad because the only reason they say that is because someone else broke them.
It had to be something harsh, brutal to get in and wreck them so badly that it broke their core beliefs.

Corona virus

Our country has been locked down. Most of the world has been.

Businesses are going bust. More will soon too. The country is going to isolate itself for a long time. Tourism is going to go. 

The world has changed. 

I have virtually no income. I don't know when I will have much. No time soon. The schools will be closed for a long time. 

Best not to think too hard about it. 

copping abuse

So, I posted something I found on my blog, it was about men carrying everyone with no outlet themselves. 

I got a lot of abuse for it. One of them was my best friend. She tore strips off me. Ironic really, kind of proved my point. 

I don't like this world.

a story

We were in a bookstore and I saw a book from my childhood. I hadn't seen it in years. I picked it up and read it to her. It was only short. I put the book down and she was staring at me. "No one has read to me in years" she said. 

Guys, read her a story. She will love it. 

Down today

Some days you feel like a million bucks, totally unstoppable. Then the next morning you wake up and you just don't want to do this life thing anymore.
I didn't used to be like this. Not this bad anyways. I don't want to be like this. To feel like this. But this is my reality.

Circles, dancing

Whats going on?

Women dancing around me. Coming in close and then dancing away again.

Can't get near any of them. All overseas. But still, they dance close and then away again.
It's like the universe just wants to torment me. Keeping that which I crave just out of my reach.

Why must you torment me so?

Another came so close, now shes moving away, to be replaced by another.

None of them stay. They never do.