Darkness

 

almost 4 years

Monday will mark 4 years since my wife died. It's hitting me hard today. I wish I didn't have to face those times alone. Then I feel guilt over wanting someone else. I know it's not the case, and I keep telling myself she's dead and not coming back. But It's hard, feels a bit like I'm cheating on her. 

Sometimes I am ok with being alone, I'm not entirely sure I am relationship material anymore, maybe I am too broken now. A few attempts have not gone well.

Hopes n dreams

 "It's all gods plan" or "god doesn't give anymore than you can take" has to be the two shittiest fucking things people can say, next one to give me either of those is going to wear a full aspie meltdown from me and are going to be told to get fucked in no uncertain terms. 

My mother is dead, my wife is dead, my sister has a big tumor in her head, my father has cancer. My company is going bust and I am fucked if I know what I am gonna do about that. My back is getting worse, I'm in pain, all the time, the only time I cant feel it is when I am drunk. It always seems like the more I go down the more people want to fuck me over. At one point shit got so bad when my first house was taken from me the stress was so much on my wife we lost our son. Christmas day. Fucking great day that one (sarcasm).

Sure, I could turn into a nasty piece of shit and people would go "well, he's had it pretty hard" but I won't, every day I am going to pick myself up and be me. If I have to drag myself through this fetid sewer called life I will. 

What I do is I dream. I dream that someday, somehow, things will get better. Statistically speaking if I keep going then somewhere something good has to happen. If you flip a coin it can only come up tails so many times before it changes and you get heads. 

I hope that someday, somehow someone is going to go, wow! Hes a good guy. He's been through some shit and yet he's still, a good person. I'm going to show him some real love. 

Sometimes

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was to run out of money.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not knowing what it was like to talk a woman out of suicide because their partner held them down and punched them in the face in front of their kids. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Not having held your partner who was crying, dying in pain, and the pills just aren't cutting it tonight.

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Being able to turn a blind eye to those in poverty in our community, instead of working with them like I do. "Because they are there by choice"

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was better because I never turned to illegal drugs because I didn't have the money for the legal ones. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking there was no meth epidemic, it's just a few bad apples. Not knowing the pain that pushed them there. 

 Sometimes I wish I was like you. 

Thinking I was above women who sold their bodies to try and make rent.

Actually, you know what? I'm glad I'm not like you. Sure, I lack your privilege, but at least I have reality and not your delusions. 

I remain, The Modern Gentleman. 

Single

 I give. I'm single. I'm accepting it. Not interested in a relationship anymore. It's easier this way. Less hurt. 

Depression is a leading cause of disability

Read this and let it sink in..... 

"Depression is a common mental disorder affecting more than 264 million people worldwide. It is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities.  It can also disturb sleep and appetite; tiredness and poor concentration are common. Depression is a leading cause of disability around the world and contributes greatly to the global burden of disease. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life.

The causes of depression include complex interactions between social, psychological and biological factors. Life events such as childhood adversity, loss and unemployment contribute to and may catalyse the development of depression.

Psychological and pharmacological treatments exist for moderate and severe depression. However, in low- and middle-income countries, treatment and support services for depression are often absent or underdeveloped. An estimated 76–85% of people suffering from mental disorders in these countries lack access to the treatment they need. "

That was from the World Health Organization.

Depression is leading cause of disability. A leading cause. This world is messed up. It's wrong. We all know it. But all that happens is we get fed more and more fear. The economy, wars, overloaded in our jobs. It's been going on for generations. I have very few answers. All I can do in my small corner is to be kind where I can. 

Not a victim

 I have never seen myself as a victim. Sure, shit things have happened to me and been done to me. It's messed me up, given me a ton of issues. I still don't feel victim is right. Growth from fire? Maybe. This is not the life I planned or wanted, but nope. Victim sits wrong. 

The song playing right now. "That's the way it is".  Yeah, it's just the way it is. 

I just remembered, my wife said she was no victim, she was a veteran. Hmmm, wise words. 

I am not a victim of life, but a veteran of my battles. Here I am. I remain.  

Used

 

5 years

Today I took the dog for a walk at the beach

5 years today

I went looking for a screen door for my porch

Since she found that lump in her breast.

Had McDonalds for lunch

It’s been heartache after heartache.

I took a nap in the afternoon for 30mins

A lot of people don’t understand though.

I mowed the lawns

I want to move on.

Hmmm, need to think about dinner.

I’m tired of being like this.

Hey Polli

She was this broken wee thing when I met her. But here was this spark. Oh, and her mind. Yeah, she were crazy, but she thought and saw things differently. Depth, you know. And when she got talking, I could just listen. And she got so passionate about things. So adorable.

I love a woman with a bit of crazy. Passion and fire. I love to sit back while they get going on some topic that they love.

Choices.

She had the choice, stick with me, a life a little more tame but one filled with love and appreciation, or one that was wild but one she could never heal from her past. She chose wild. It hurt, but its her choice, now shes in a psych ward. I tried. But some people you just can't reach. 

I don't fit

I don't fit in this world. I feel like I'm an alien marooned on this planet. I try to blend with the inhabitants but they are weird and random. It's so much work trying to follow their ways that interaction wears me out. I sometimes think they pick up on it too. Like I'm a target. I'm different. Different is always picked on.

Please. I want to leave. 

bad weekend

It has been a harsh weekend. I'm so down. I gave up on Saturday. Just let it happen. I tried so hard on Sunday. Tried to turn myself around. Then one snippy comment from someone and it all crashed right back down.

Been talking to someone. But. I don't think it's happening. She talks to me in small amounts but. Meh. Pity. She seemed good. She has 2 daughters. That would have been a squeeze. I don't know any more. Need to go back to my plan. Stay alive until my daughter is old enough. Make no other plans. So alone. Just one special person. Please?

Or kill me. I'm cool either way. Just make sure Sophia is looked after. 

their stories

When they open up and tell you their stories. And they are brutal. And heart breaking. It hurts me to hear them. I feel their pain. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will listen to every single one of them. No matter the pain. It's not much. But it's something. 

Facebook and Censorship

Nearly two years I have spent working on the modern gentleman. It looks like it's in it's final days. I have fallen on the wrong side of the giant corporate juggernaut known as facebook. More and more they censor me. Trying to turn me into their biased bullshit version of a good citizen. One who never questions, but blindly follows. Time after time I wind up facing these bullshit giants. Universities, Hospitals, Government and now Facebook. I hate backing down from what's right. It's not me. But I never win. 

I'm tired dear reader. Tired of this world. Tired of standing alone. 

Hello Darkness

Some days the world gets too much. Tonight is one of those nights. Just gone 19 years since my mother was killed. Almost 4 years since my wife was killed. My life feels like a never ending shit show. So many bills today. Running out of money fast again. Outgoing higher than incoming. 

 And that piece in my head. I don't want to be here. 

I want a hug. Once again. Not gonna happen. 

Fuck. My. Life. 

FB jail and dishwashers

I'm in facebook jail again. Bad me. Womens bodies are unacceptable in modern society. Fuck you facebook. 

Dishwasher is faulty. I hope somehow I can fix it. Fuck knows. 

My only physical friend is again growing more and more distant. Hurts. 

I want a hug. Dumb. Not gonna happen. 

My corona money is almost all gone. My income is not matching my outgoings. Fuck knows. 

That feeling is back. I really don't want to be alive anymore. I'll remain, for my daughter, even though she makes my life hard. I'll remain. For now. 

Dear God. I have some questions.

Dear God, I have some questions.

Why did you take my wife before she even made it to 50? The one good thing in my life? 

Why did you take my mother before she made it to 60?

Why is there a mass in my sisters brain?

Why does my father have cancer?

Why am I autistic? Why is my daughter also autistic?

Why do I have chronic fatigue syndrome?

Why do I have rheumatoid arthritis?

Why do I have osteocondritis?

Why do I have to live every waking moment in pain?

Why do I have to live knowing that some time soon my spine will give out and I will be in a wheelchair?

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Why do you supposedly only give people as much as they can take? Do you say that to the people hanging from trees with a rope around their neck?

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Tell me about childhood cancers?

And plagues? 

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Why did you not want man to have knowledge?

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Why do you allow such atrocities to be committed in your name?

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"When I come before you I will not be begging for forgiveness, but demanding an apology" -A rough translation of words found scratched onto a wall at Auschwitz. Why did you leave so many to die so terribly?

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murder and exhaustion

The world is protesting, people are marching in the streets, there is rioting and looting because a black man was killed by police officers. I get the outrage. But when my wife was killed by those charged to protect her there was barely a murmur. Months of ripping myself to pieces for justice ended in a tiny 2 page letter of apology. 

That's it. I'm left to try and carry on. No help. I'm so exhausted. People don't get it. My daughter is autistic. She may seem almost normal but she isn't The one that hurts the most is her lack of empathy. She doesn't care about me. I have been asking her for days for help. She won't. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to use the last of my energy to clean a bit. It's going to push my body over the edge. But it has to be done. 

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Please, whatever is supposed to be there watching over us. I can't do this anymore. Please, help me. 

Please. Not people looking on going awwww. I need actual help. 

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Or just fucking kill me. Seriously, I don't give a fuck either way. My life is shit. I don't want to be here anymore. 

Hello darkness my old friend

I saw this today. I don't know. It's been a long hard time. I got sick, really, really sick, like, "will I survive?" sick. Tonight I just feel alone, I want to curl up with someone and just hold on for a bit. But there's no one. Today I am still here. And she isn't. I'm exhausted from fighting this illness and I just want to not be the fighter. Tired of life. Trapped in a body that gives me nothing but problems but it won't give up. 

Mothers Day Weekend

Well, here it is. Mothers day weekend. I used to love this weekend so much.

I wanted my wife to have the day all to herself with no obligations to other family so we moved her day to Saturday. On the day we always did a big road trip to somewhere special, the whole day was filled with fun things for her. She loved it.
Sunday was actual mothers day.

Now I have no wife, and my mother was killed too.

The day is blank.

And I can't say anything to anyone because I don't want them to feel guilt.

Hurts. I feel very down and very alone.

Accepting single. No longer looking.

A few days ago on one of the singles facebook pages I was on there was a big drama. There are often dramas on those pages. Anyway, I realized how much easier my life has been lately. I can just be me without compromise. So I removed myself from all of those pages and deleted tinder. This Modern Gentleman is starting to think that maybe alone is better. I had my time with someone, it's done, it's over. I'll simply have peace instead. Living life for me.

Life and death

I hope you don't take this as a poor me post. Do not feel sad. This life has been quite a journey with ups and downs. Sometimes we need those downs to understand things.
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It's a funny old thing life. You live it day to day, often just trying to make it through to another day, another, week, another month. Sometimes you get a wee reminder that one day it's going to be no more.
I'm sitting here, showing symptoms of Covid 19. I am sick, it's not an infection. Slim chance I have it but I have to wait 2 days to find out. Makes a guy think.
46 years. Some of it went in the blink of an eye. Some of it dragged to feel like 4 lifetimes already. I have seen too much, hurt too much and said final farewells to too many people.
It's been hard a lot of the time. So many wrongs and unfairness. There are some bad people in this world. And they simply get away with being bad. Just because someone is bad doesn't mean being good will cancel them out. There's an unfortunate truth. People have done such nasty things to me. I'm not going to talk about that now.
Then there is my heath. I try not to talk about it too much. I am an open book, but why burden others with it, few want to know anyways. I live every day in constant physical pain. In some ways you kind of get used to it. But it's always there, gnawing at you.
I am tired. Tired of all the bad stuff. Tired of mean people, and tired of my pain. I get the lesson though. All the terrible things. It's given me empathy and understanding. I hear peoples stories. I do not judge. I get it. I understand. Not from compassion. But from Empathy. Two different things.
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I have loved and been loved. Now there is what makes it worth it, for me. I raise a glass to those few who I have had an intimate connection with. Not just my wife. To the others as well.
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There's also all those moments. You know? A simple picnic with family, and butterflies ( I know, tough guy) I love those little buggers, so colorful and they are too light so they cant really fly straight. Just going around doing their thing. Road trips to places. And, I'm going to admit it. Hugs. I miss those a lot. Walking in nature, good food, something funny. So many little things.
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Have I lived a full life? Yeah, I think so. Done all sorts of weird and crazy things. Regrets? Not many. I would have liked to have had one last long term relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe not.
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If you are lucky enough to be in a good relationship right now. Do me a favor. Go give your significant other a big hug. One day, they aren't going to be there for that any more. Or you wont be. There is a harsh truth. One day it's going to end.
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If you don't have one. I hope you find love one day. The right love.
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Life is shorter than you think.
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hospital

So I had to take myself up to the hospital tonight. It was full so they stuck me in the Transit area, that's where they put the patients going home. First woman was elderly. She's terminal and doesn't have long to go. She's wishing she can visit her grand children. But right now she can't. Not with the country in lockdown. She's not sure she ever will hug them again. 

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Second woman. A lot younger. Scarring all over her arms. She seems so kind. Such a nice person. There's some demons in her.  

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I wish I could help. You know? Bring some joy to them. But it was not my place. Apart from a smile and a few friendly words. 

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This modern gentleman wants to help. But I can't, not like that. So, here is my Facebook page instead. I have made it to show people they can be treated right. Not just can. They should. You all have the right not to be treated like shit.

a change in my mind

Something has changed in me. Sure I miss my late wife. And I still have fond memories, of course I do. I spent half my life with her. But, I have noticed lately. An.... acceptance. It's not quite the right word, but it's close enough. It's difficult to explain right. Yeah, there are triggers and things. But I accept that she's gone. That is a period in my life that is complete. It is no more, and, I'm ok with that. It feels odd, it's difficult to explain. But I feel ok that she's gone. That does not diminish what we had either, but I feel ok. 

I got to stop

Everyone hating this lockdown. For the first time in many, many years I have been able to stop. No guilt. Just be still. It's allowed me to catch up with myself. To recover from life. I have been given enough money to get by, I have my home. I can simply rest. It's like I can actually heal a bit. 

I'm sorry to those having a difficult time. But for me. This is a peace I have not had in a long, long time. 

I am thankful. 

companionship

I look at my daughter sleeping, holding her stuffed toy.
Humans are hard wired for companionship.
When ever I see someone saying that they will never want anyone, it makes me sad.
I am sad because the only reason they say that is because someone else broke them.
It had to be something harsh, brutal to get in and wreck them so badly that it broke their core beliefs.

Corona virus

Our country has been locked down. Most of the world has been.

Businesses are going bust. More will soon too. The country is going to isolate itself for a long time. Tourism is going to go. 

The world has changed. 

I have virtually no income. I don't know when I will have much. No time soon. The schools will be closed for a long time. 

Best not to think too hard about it. 

copping abuse

So, I posted something I found on my blog, it was about men carrying everyone with no outlet themselves. 

I got a lot of abuse for it. One of them was my best friend. She tore strips off me. Ironic really, kind of proved my point. 

I don't like this world.

a story

We were in a bookstore and I saw a book from my childhood. I hadn't seen it in years. I picked it up and read it to her. It was only short. I put the book down and she was staring at me. "No one has read to me in years" she said. 

Guys, read her a story. She will love it. 

Down today

Some days you feel like a million bucks, totally unstoppable. Then the next morning you wake up and you just don't want to do this life thing anymore.
I didn't used to be like this. Not this bad anyways. I don't want to be like this. To feel like this. But this is my reality.

Circles, dancing

Whats going on?

Women dancing around me. Coming in close and then dancing away again.

Can't get near any of them. All overseas. But still, they dance close and then away again.
It's like the universe just wants to torment me. Keeping that which I crave just out of my reach.

Why must you torment me so?

Another came so close, now shes moving away, to be replaced by another.

None of them stay. They never do.

the modern gentleman

She told me she cut her hair short to stop her ex grabbing her.

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She said her smile was almost right now, after he broke her jaw.

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She told me how she hated her selfie because she could see her nose. The one he broke 4 times.

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She showed me proudly how well she had done patching the holes in the wall. Where her husband had pushed her through. 

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It makes me sad to hear these stories but I'm glad they tell me. 

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It gives me purpose. It gives the modern gentleman purpose. 

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Tomorrow I release a book on sex. In it I show how women should be treated right. That's my purpose right now. 

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I can't fix the world. I'm no saviour. I'm no hero. But I can start something. Cause ripples. Show women how to be treated right. Once they see that they don't have to put up with it. When enough do. Maybe men will change. 

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Will someone save me?

My anxiety

My anxiety is high. I'm freaking out over everything.
People keep asking me questions, I used to be able to answer them. Now it's like I am suddenly dumb.
I don't know, I just don't know any more.
Some of them I am having to apologize and say I just don't know.
I feel useless.

And alone.

Lockdown

It's just hitting me now. Tomorrow we effectively become prisoners in our own homes for a month.
We are still free to do what we want in our homes, I am still allowed to walk my dog. But there are so many things we can't do. No more road trips, no visits to parks. I am relishing the time off. But the other stuff......
It kind of feels surreal. I'm a little nervous.

dream

Cat (Ronald) comes home, something has attacked him. He's in a bad way. Half his lower jaw is busted and part of his head is torn away. 

He's loving me, trusting me. And I'm going to have to drive him to the vet to be euthanized. 

Woke up having a coughing fit. 

It's 2am. Don't want to go back to sleep. 

Hate my mind. 

outdated

I remember one day finding a pair of cufflinks in a case. They looked neat. You could almost feel the important occasions they had attended. 

But of course the way modern clothes are, they are no longer relevant, there is no way to use them. 

And today, I realized, the role of the gentleman has gone the same way. A piece of nostalgia, everyone loves the idea, they sure think it's neat. But there is no longer a place for them in this world. 

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Women are no longer looking for a quality relationship, they want some guy who turns up once every one to two weeks, fucks their brains out and pisses off. 

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They like the ideal of the modern gentleman. But he no longer fits into this world. Nothing more than a relic, stuck in a drawer to be looked at sometimes. Nothing more. 

Take me back

I want to go back 5 years.

Before all this shit. I want that ignorance of all this shit that's happened in that time.

Take me back.

Take this hurt away.

Take away the pain.

Please?

Karma and past lives

If Karma exists then I want to know what the fuck I did in my last life to deserve this shit.
If karma exists in that form then its an abuser because I am paying the price for someone else's mistakes. I am not that person.

Little girl

I see her you know.
I see that little girl,
crouched in the corner of your soul.
Hiding from the world.
They were so cruel.
They broke her.
Snapped her innocence.
Left her there as they walked away.
I see her.
Hiding in the corner of your soul.
You may think of her as discarded, or dead.
Maybe a stain.
Shes still there.
Maybe one day things won't be so cruel
Maybe one day people won't be so harsh.
Maybe one day....
She can come out,
and play with me

Kirsti :(

I see they deleted your facebook page today Kirsti.

You were a good friend. Messed up, but good.

I'll miss our 2am screams and rants about life.

I hope you are in a better place.

I'll be there mental health posts

I fucking hate it when people post those bullshit fucking I'll be there if you need me mental health posts.

I want to respond and say you fucking piece of shit liar. When I was there on facebook asking for help and melting down. Where the fuck were you? I know where the fuck you weren't.

out of place

I feel out of place tonight. Where life just builds up. All that shit from your past is threatening to fall out of the closet you have been sweeping it into.

I feel like one of those dogs in a shelter, cowering in a corner after a lifetime of crap. Hoping for love but wondering if you care anymore. 

I just want to scream leave me alone at the universe, while secretly hoping someone won't. 

Saw a Facebook pace today of people in loving relationships. I was stunned. I didn't think they existed anymore. It was like a forgotten world. 

My life is not where I want it to be. But I'm lost and I can't find a way out of it. 

Help me, I'm drowning.

Random shit rambling. 

I don't know. I just don't know. 

Aspergers

They call it Aspergers, Or High functioning autism, or simply autistic, or neurodivergent.

Call it what you like. I am different. I am not normal. I see the world in ways others cannot.
And I don't like what I see. Its full of fear, and hate, and greed.
It's full of bullshit games and power struggles. I see the world for what it really is.

But I am the outcast. The weirdo. The one who is wrong.

Older

I miss that..... naivety.
When I believed everyone was inherently good.
Then when I believed that there were some who weren't good but the good always won.
Then when I believed that if you were diligent you could keep away from the bad ones.
Then when I believed that at least those in power would help the people
Then when I believed that those who's job it was to protect or heal would do all they could to do that.
Then when I believed love could conquer all.

Now I know and have experienced too much.

Now I don't think I believe in much of anything.

the ultimate mask

Everyone thinks I'm getting my shit together. That I'm doing so well. 

It's a lie. I feel like I'm gunning the engines full speed into a massive Trainwreck. 

I feel so alone.

I don't want this pain.

I don't want to be here anymore. 

Times change things end

Today the old trampoline was taken away. The mat was stuffed, the pads had dissolved and the springs had rusted. The swingset was long busted and they took that too.
I went back up the back of the property this evening. I sat on the remains of a seat I had made for my wife (it too is dissolving). I haven't sat there for some time. She used to sit there while our daughter played on the trampoline or swings. It had a small shade canopy, sometimes she would lay down and doze.
I became overwhelmed for a while. My eyes tried to leak. Sometimes I wish I could go back to simpler times. Back when I had ambitions. When I had a family who I loved and who loved me back.
My daughter didn't even look when they were taken away. She was too busy playing computer games.
And my wife, well, shes been dead 3 years now.
Everything comes to an end. Everything. If its a good thing I hope it lasts. If its bad, I hope it ends quickly for you.
Life is short. Cherish the good, move on from the bad.
And please. Everyone. Just be kind to each other, ok?

2 am in the bathroom

We bought our first house together, It wasn't much, but hey, it was ours.
A few days after moving in I woke up at around 2am and noticed the other side of the bed was empty. I stroll out to use the toilet and there she is, in the bathroom.
"What are you doing" I asked, in that state where I didn't want to wake all the way up.
"The carpet in here is disgusting, and who the hell carpets a bathroom"? She said, half annoyed. I know the other half of her wasn't annoyed. She had the first house she could call hers and if she wanted to rip carpet out at 2 am then no one was going to stop her.
I chuckled a bit. "Try not to stay up all night ok"? She grinned, along with a determined look. "I'll be there soon" she said.

She was neat.

Saturday morning

7 am Saturday morning. I would roll over, put my arm around her and whisper those magic words into her ear.
"Hey, its Saturday morning, there's a 50 in my wallet, wanna go yard saleing?"
A grin would spread across her lips, she would dreamily roll over, the smile would grow as she opened her eyes, still partly asleep. "Yeah" she would dreamily say.
I would slip out of bed, feed animals, and get things sorted while she got herself up and found something to pull on.
I was never a fan of the things. But the grin on her face when she came away loaded with some bargain she had discovered. Oh, that smile was perfection.
There really is something magical about the smile of a woman.

Drunk, happy women.

Drunk, happy women are awesome.
It's 2 am and the 2 of you are in bed talking shit, and she announces she's hungry. Really, really hungry. So you slip out of her bed, slip on her dressing gown (women's dressing gowns are always so soft and silky) and wander out to the kitchen, find some cheese and ham in the fridge, some bread in the pantry. You make her a sandwich, it's not brilliant because its 2am and you have had a couple of beers too. You take it back to bed and shes there eating this sandwich telling you its the best shes ever had. And she's being honest. You know shes had better, but right then she's just happy and loving a sandwich and it's the best. Those are the good times.