why do we bother with love

Why why do we bother with Love? It just leads to pain, death, abuse, being yelled at. Why? What's the point? All that comes out of it is pain, heartbreak, is there any good? I don't know it just hurts. 

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Is it because I'm aspie? I don't know. You get lifted up, boosted and then thrown down and I'm left here wondering what did I even do, and I don't know. I'm tired, so, so tired.

I am strong. But you don't know the truth.

People tell me how strong, how brave I am. They don't realize how right and wrong they are. 

None of them know about the nights I spend sitting on my bed wrestling with my thoughts. They don't know about the endless hours I fight to stay alive. How I wake up in the morning having managed to make it through another night without succumbing to the darkness.

They don't know how I feel good and then crash for no reason. How I fight to hold on to the feeling good and how hard I push to remove the feeling bad. 

I don't want to feel bad. I love the good feelings, I really do. 

Nights are the worst. Here alone with myself. It's not a chemical imbalance. It's not. It's my life that's wrong. My mind screams about how it's wrong. But no one is there to help. That's part of the problem, there's no one. I just want to hold on to someone for a bit. That touch, that comfort.

Sometimes it hits me for days, I go to work, put on my happy mask. Fake it. But that makes me more tired. And so I am down even more, a cycle that makes the battle harder. 

It's been like this for so long. The battles within myself. If they showed as visible wounds I would be covered in scars. 

But none of them see me. I'm just the guy in the supermarket, or at work or in the line at the bank. I look a little tired but still fine. Nothing wrong with him they think. 

But they don't see that night time battle. 

It's night time again. The demons in my mind are whispering. I'm so tired. Sometimes I get tempted to let them win. No more battles then, no more fighting. A long rest. 

But not tonight. The battle begins once more. Round and round we will go. Can I win tonight? Or will it be days of this? I don't know. But once more I shall fight. For now. 

Why am I still single

2 people today asking why I am still single. It's a question I ask myself all the time. 

Wish I had an answer. Ugly? Terrible personality? Cursed? All of the above?

I don't know. 

Facebook, fear and depression

My facebook page is all funny and confidence. It's a lie, but its a lie society expects, no, it's a lie that society demands. Show how you really feel and people run for it.

Yet we see reports that the falsity of peoples lives on social media causes more issues and depression.

Interesting. We lie to each other to show people how not to be depressed and that in itself causes depression, but if we don't then people turn away and we are depressed. A massive self perpetuating wealth of depression.

Why?

Government: Obey or go to jail
School: Obey or fail
Religion: Obey or go to hell.

The whole system is geared to pretend they are working from a position of love and caring but in fact they are instilling fear in everyone. So we have a population who are scared of everything from the constant fear. Look at the news, it's all about instilling fear.

Maybe that's why we have so many abusive relationships in the world. Because we have been brainwashed to believe fear is love.

Fear is not love.

When James Camerons avatar movie came out it caused a new psychiatric disorder. People were desperate to live a life of simplicity and working inside nature. It affected people to their core. 

We are being forced and coerced into a self perpetuating spiral of depression and fear while our senses and our upper selves are screaming at us that it's wrong. All wrong. We know this is not how things should be yet no one can see the way out. 

I can see it. A few others can too. I think that's where we fit in. I am here to help change this world. No, I'm not going to do it on my own. I'm no hero, but I can add my voice to those who are saying enough, and we are doing what we can to help those who need our help and healing. It's just a shame I had to experience the lows personally in order to empathize with others. 

We are the wounded healers. 

Meh

Feel like writing but I don't really have anything to say.

Random anxiety attacks, some of them are pretty bad.

Random depression, comes and goes.

World is still cruel.

I want to love again.

Just me

I'm 45 years old. I have seen and experienced more than I cared to. I have had to farewell too many loved ones. Felt too much heart ache, been hurt too many times. I've been beat up, bullied insulted, threatened, made fun of. I've had money but more often I've been poor. I've lost a child, a wife, a mother. I've experienced injustice. I know all too well what sleepless lonely nights in an empty bed feels like. I have cried. I have begged the universe to kill me.
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But guess what? I'm still kind. I have helped people even when others have demanded I leave them. I have gone without to give to people. I have used my meager money to buy groceries for people who had less than me.
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And although I am careful who I help because I have so little to give anymore. I'm telling you. I'll still do it. I don't believe in karma. It's cool if you do. I'm not wanting rewards in the next life.
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I do it because it's the right thing to do. I can't save the world. I know that. But I can help a few people have a better time in it.
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So, here I am. Some random guy. Sitting here alone on his bed. I cannot fix your world. I'm sorry. I truly wish I could. But I do hope, genuinely hope today is going to be a better day than yesterday for you.

Fuck them

Fucked up

This world is fucked up. Not sure I want to be a part of it anymore. If j didn't have a daughter I wouldn't last the night.

Keep hanging on

They say keep hanging on. I don't know if I want to.

https://youtu.be/l5GaVKX9NDQ

Too much

Watched a tv show about an autistic guy.

Over the top but it hit too close to home.

I'm fucked in the head. Spend my time calling myself differently wired. Maybe. Maybe not.

Oh my wife. I appreciated you I really did. But I never understood just how amazing you were. You kept them all at bay while showing me love.

Its all fucked up.

My body is stuffed. My brain is wired wrong. My career is in tatters.

My only close physical friend is an autistic woman who yells at me when I get depressed.

I feel like I have walked off a ledge and I'm falling. I can't see what's at the bottom. Will it be soft, or spikes. Right now I'm hoping for a swift end.

I cannot help.

I'm sitting here at the beach just along from a woman parked in her car. I can feel the stress emanating from her. She's a mess. She's just sitting there staring straight ahead. She didn't even see me walk right in front of her.
I want to stop and talk to her. Let her unload if she needs to, give her a hug and tell her she will get through this.
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But society has told both of us not to allow that. A male is to be feared, women are taught to isolate themselves from men. Men have been told not to have or express emotions. So we must go our separate ways. I cannot help her.
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This world is wrong.

3 years ago on facebook

Pissed some people off that night. Also a good lesson in being me. 

OK. For those who are wondering what I said last night. First of all this could be offensive. My apologies if you get offended with bodily things, if you do then its best not to read on.

Now, all credit to the first person who responded. She contacted me and we sorted it. And a partial apology, the video was on her personal feed. I didn't realize that.

I saw a video of men being afraid of tampons. I didn't look all too carefully at it. I should have because it was just a joke. Stupid Edward. I deleted my response so I cant give you my exact wording but essentially it was...........

"pfft you aren't a real man until you have peeled your wife's blood soaked liner from her panties while she showers. Extra points if you did it the day after she gave birth."

In hindsight that's probably not the best. But over the years with both a wife and daughter I have had to deal with a lot of bodily stuff. It happens. And its really happened over the past few months. I have become adept at staunching blood flow while cutting fixumol (think giant cut able band aids) and applying it. I can walk into a room and tell from the smell the difference between aired and unaired necrotic tissue (have the bandages come open). I have walked to the toilet carrying bowels of vomit (that's still worse than blood). I have washed more blood and exhudate covered towels, blankets etc than I care to know.

If you can't handle bodily things it may be best to unfriend me. I am a guy who cares. And I do not run away from stuff like that.

Begging

Someone is on a local facebook page bitching about how people were using crowd funding pages.

I remember when I had to use it. My wife had to change her dressings on her own for several months. She did it while leaning over the bath and washing her breast down removing blood and exhudate. The roof was stuffed and it leaked in multiple places. One of those places was the bathroom. If it was raining she had to drape towels over her back because the water would drip on her while she did the changing.
I cannot begin to tell you how inadequate I felt that she had to do that. I felt like the biggest piece of shit, unable to provide for my family while my wife was forced to endure crap on top of crap.
In the end I had to as they say, swallow my pride. I set up a page to beg money from people to fix the roof. It hurt, it fucking hurt me to go begging. I don't cry a lot but when I published that page on the net begging money. I could barely make out the button to click it. It was just more hurt on hurt. It was a brand new low in my life that day.

All at once

Today is harsh, real harsh.

The computer system that I have built over many years is being trashed by hackers at the moment. It's hard battling with them and watching it get belted like that.

Someone on a news group having a go at people using funding pages to get help. It hurt when I was reduced to begging for money. I don't cry a lot but I was in tears when I made that page. Bought back some hurt.

Reminder on facebook memories that one year ago a troll pasted all over my dead wifes pages saying it was a good thing she died because she was fat. Took hours to remove a few hundred posts that they made.

I tried to tell a friend that I was having a hard day because of it. She spent some time yelling at me for always being down and ruining her day, because it was good until then. I have apologized. She's still yelling. I'm not looking until she calms down a bit.

I'm trying. I really am. But it's fucking hard to get up when you have been smacked down so many times you aren't sure if you can stand anymore. I'm still crawling. Been working hard to get myself on track. Dragging myself up when all I want to do is die. I'm exercising, getting fitter, even when the CFS and arthritis is biting so hard my body is begging me to stop.

Compassion people, compassion

Whats happening

I don't know. It started in last night. I feel consumed by hurt and sorrow. I tried to drink it away but not even the alcohol was enough so I slept it away.
Nightmares again. Full of frustration and embarrassment.
The hurt is back today. With a vengeance. Please. Anyone, anything. Stop the pain. Please?
It hurts. Physically hurts. It's also draining me. I don't know how much longer I can withstand it.

I don't know anymore

It's been 4 years of absolute shit on top of shit on top of shit.

I'm so done. I'm confused and just. Ugh, I don't have the words to express it anymore.

I'm going to drink until I don't want to kill myself. Wish me luck.

PTSD

Stupid trigger today set right off over a little thing.

I don't want to live like this.

PTSD is shit. Help me. Please.

A hug

Just want a hug.

I'm fucking pathetic.

What the hell happened

I used to be respected in my field. The top in the country. I loved my job.
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Now the last main school I work for is refurbishing and I'm losing my office.
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My income has halved across the board due to budget cuts.
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The IT guy isn't what he used to be.
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I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm done.
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How about good stuff instead of all this shit.

Drunk rambles

I'm drunk. Real drunk. No daughter. Just me at home. Thoughts.......

3 years since she died. Travesty. Killed by New Zealands incompetent health system. Dangerous thing to be involved in.

Guilt. I miss her but I want someone else. Don't want to be alone. Yeah I know, heal yourself first. fucking bullshit. Fuck off. The few times I managed to get close to someone the healing was right there.

In this moment sounds fucking great when drunk.

Worlds fucked up. Revolution is coming. The stupid Normals can't see it. They are stirring, I see them, they know its coming, they are getting restless. Still to dumb to see it.

Millennials are lazy. Used to piss me off. They need to be lazy. revolution. Tech will hit the point where they don't need to work much. The new life style.

Humans are fucking dumb sheep, they are so easily led into delusions. They just don't get it.

FML

Dryer is fucked,
Dishwasher is fucked,
My PC just died,
My health is real bad (Drs still don't know why I'm pissing blood).
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Happy anniversary of my wife's death.

Feeling lost

It's coming up to the anniversary of my wife's death.
I know I should be moving forward. I want to move forward. But I'm so lost. I don't want to do this alone anymore.
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How do I get past the fact she was killed. Even more so when the only outcome of that death was a letter of apology that someone else wrote for them.
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I feel so alone. Please. I don't want to be alone. Help me. Please? No more.
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I am a good person. Not perfect, but good. I'm kind, considerate, caring, gentle.  Why does it all have to be so hard?
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Someone ease my pain. Please?
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Someone?

One week

Less than a week actually until shes been dead for 3 years.

I'm hurting.

I'm also so lonely. I don't want to do this on my own. Which makes me feel guilty.

Need hugs. Not gonna happen.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

Mean people

Banned my first person from modern gentleman today.

They don't need to say nasty shit. Why do people have to be like that? It helps no one.

Being an empath

Bloody hard when you get close enough to someone and that link forms.

I have felt her for the past few weeks, sad, depressed, anxious, angry.

She's real down tonight, broadcasting loud. It's affecting me too.

I can help, but she needs to meet me half way.

Saturday night. Alone.

Welp. Here I am. I give relationship advice to thousands of people. I have over 1,000 followers and it's Saturday night, I'm sitting on my bed with the dog.
Irony.

If the universe was a person

If the universe was a person I would take a restraining order out on it for being an abuser.

Inflammation

My body is going through a massive inflammatory reaction.

Been doing it for about 2 weeks. I don't know why it does it. It's getting worse. Blood vessels breaking. Pain. Haven't had it this bad in a while.

Need to get that will updated.

Goals

People are always talking about goals, the next big thing they are aiming for, the new house, the new car, the holiday, the promotion at work.

I have a goal. My goal is to live. Yes, yes I am alive. I wouldn't be sitting here typing this if I wasn't but the thing is I am currently simply surviving. Managing to make it from day to day and hoping I survive another day.

Forget rich or famous...
I want to live, not simply survive.
I want to wake up in the morning and not worry about my day, or week, or year.
I want to be free from the pain my body is constantly in.


and the biggest of all.....
I want to love and be loved.

Stupid

You idiot. You know why you are dying. You know why the cancer is continuing to grow. Yet you continue to do it. Those tumors are in your liver. Sugar WILL kill you. Don't eat the fucking giant doughnuts while crying that your cancer is getting bigger.

Criticism

Extra special mention of all those who have criticized me for my parenting skills, particularly when I tried to talk about it.
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Fuck you.

I'm worn out

So tired. Need a break, need time to rest.

Can't. No time for that. Work, work work. Push through. Work, work work.

Got to work and work, come home and work.

Rest a bit and carry on. I'm so, so tired. Please. I need rest.

I got complimented today.

Madness

Something is wrong

Something is wrong. It's this house. I don't like being in it, the energy is out of wack. Can't even talk to Polli. There's something not right here. Need help but the only one who can is busy.

Hurt my family

Burning bridges

Wifes family tried to cause some issues. Fine, contact is now severed. Fuck them.

Exploited

I'm sitting at the place where I'll kill myself when the time comes. Yeah, I've picked the location and the method. Just not when. It's an odd comfort really. Knowing that there is a final way out when it all gets too hard.

Feeling exploited today. Every one seems to be using me as a servant. Just here to wait on everyone else.

Sick of it. When is my turn?

A day of hurt

Today was harsh.

I had to tell my wife's family that I had cut them off for mine and my daughter's safety. There will be repercussions. They will make me pay. They won't let it slide.

Tried therapy today. It didn't go well. I have things buried in me. I think they are best left there. Bringing them out hurt. Really hurt. Stuff where there is no answer. I simply have places I don't want to go.

I feel so alone. Please, please. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Still no work. I'm going to go bust soon.

:(

It's all shit.

4 years

Yesterday marked 4 years since she found that lump in her breast. 14 months later I watched her die.

My life has been so fucked up since that day. It only seems to be getting worse.

I'm so down. It's too much. Too much.

Today

I feel like a fucking door mat.

Go ahead, just fucking use me.

Guess it's all I deserve. I'm just a piece of shit.

Not so awesome pic

So, this came up on facebook today, in the memories. I had posted it a year ago. Who knows why.

It was a photo I took on the day Polli was diagnosed officially with terminal stage 4 cancer.

I felt so alone looking at it today. Alone and so sad. I cannot find the thing I want. To love and be loved back. I'm there for everyone. I know giving is good. But please. please. Can I have my turn of receiving? Please? I don't want much. Forget fame and wealth. I just want to be loved and be comfortable. Is that really so much to ask?

Their Stories

I sit. I listen. I read.

I read of their heart break,
I read of their betrayal.
I read of the violence.
I read of the hurt.

I want to help.
I want to take all their pain away.
I want to show them love, and compassion.

But I can't.
All I can do is sit here and listen.
It hurts. I feel their pain.
But I will listen.
It's the least I can do.
I will sit here, and I will listen to each of them.
I will show them that someone cares.
That someone is willing to sit and listen.
Someone is there who will not judge them.

Because at least that's something.

Jealousy

I remember talking to her one day. We hadn't been together long. She was talking about a male friend who would be visiting the gathering she was at. How they had talked a few times. Suddenly she stopped. "I- I never slept with him she stammered, looking worried". For a moment I was confused. Then my mind caught up. Her narc husband. I said to her, "look, I don't care if you did. You are 53 with 2 children. I'm pretty sure you aren't a virgin anymore. It's ok if you had past boyfriends, I don't care if you see them still. More importantly I don't give a rats of some of your friends are male. "
"Thank you" she said.  "I have trouble, my husband used to get mad if I spoke to another male and he wasn't with me. It's going to take some getting used to".
The conversation drifted off. For a moment, deep in our thoughts.

I said to her, "If you ever slept with another man I would apologize". "why would you do that" she answered with a quizzical look. I said, "if you felt I wasn't the right person then I would feel I had a part to play in it, that I hadn't been what you needed, I wouldn't get angry, I would simply say sorry".

18 years

18 Years since my mother was killed. I still miss her every day. Life has been weird since then. It's had some good times and some bad times.

I'm so sad she missed seeing my daughter grow up. That hurts. And I really wanted her to be at my wedding too.

Just how it is huh? Life can change in an instant.

Erattic

Looking at my posts. They are.... erratic.

Shit going on. Stuff I don't even feel safe talking about on here.

Life is confusing right now. Can't talk about it to anyone. I'm sober more often than I like. But I'm so depressed at the moment. All it seems to do is make the depression worse.

Now I'm sick. Wish there was someone to help. There isn't never was. Even my wife used to yell at me when I was sick. Asked my daughter to help. Just a bit because I was having trouble cooking dinner. She got mad. Wish there was more empathy from her.

More nightmares

Every night. Nightmares. I don't sleep until I am so exhausted I have no choice.
Then the nightmares happen.

Make them stop. Please.

Her wrist

I saw the scar on her wrist today. I don't shy away from her scars. I don't want her to ever feel shame about herself.
So I pointed it out to her. Told her it was a page in her story, and that I hoped the next chapter was going to be a lot kinder.