What the hell happened?

Today

I feel like a fucking door mat.

Go ahead, just fucking use me.

Guess it's all I deserve. I'm just a piece of shit.

So, this came up on facebook today, in the memories. I had posted it a year ago. Who knows why.

It was a photo I took on the day Polli was diagnosed officially with terminal stage 4 cancer.

I felt so alone looking at it today. Alone and so sad. I cannot find the thing I want. To love and be loved back. I'm there for everyone. I know giving is good. But please. please. Can I have my turn of receiving? Please? I don't want much. Forget fame and wealth. I just want to be loved and be comfortable. Is that really so much to ask?

Their Stories

I sit. I listen. I read.

I read of their heart break,
I read of their betrayal.
I read of the violence.
I read of the hurt.

I want to help.
I want to take all their pain away.
I want to show them love, and compassion.

But I can't.
All I can do is sit here and listen.
It hurts. I feel their pain.
But I will listen.
It's the least I can do.
I will sit here, and I will listen to each of them.
I will show them that someone cares.
That someone is willing to sit and listen.
Someone is there who will not judge them.

Because at least that's something.

Jealousy

I remember talking to her one day. We hadn't been together long. She was talking about a male friend who would be visiting the gathering she was at. How they had talked a few times. Suddenly she stopped. "I- I never slept with him she stammered, looking worried". For a moment I was confused. Then my mind caught up. Her narc husband. I said to her, "look, I don't care if you did. You are 53 with 2 children. I'm pretty sure you aren't a virgin anymore. It's ok if you had past boyfriends, I don't care if you see them still. More importantly I don't give a rats of some of your friends are male. "
"Thank you" she said. "I have trouble, my husband used to get mad if I spoke to another male and he wasn't with me. It's going to take some getting used to".
The conversation drifted off. For a moment, deep in our thoughts.

I said to her, "If you ever slept with another man I would apologize". "why would you do that" she answered with a quizzical look. I said, "if you felt I wasn't the right person then I would feel I had a part to play in it, that I hadn't been what you needed, I wouldn't get angry, I would simply say sorry".

18 years

18 Years since my mother was killed. I still miss her every day. Life has been weird since then. It's had some good times and some bad times.

I'm so sad she missed seeing my daughter grow up. That hurts. And I really wanted her to be at my wedding too.

Just how it is huh? Life can change in an instant.

Erattic

Looking at my posts. They are.... erratic.

Shit going on. Stuff I don't even feel safe talking about on here.

Life is confusing right now. Can't talk about it to anyone. I'm sober more often than I like. But I'm so depressed at the moment. All it seems to do is make the depression worse.

Now I'm sick. Wish there was someone to help. There isn't never was. Even my wife used to yell at me when I was sick. Asked my daughter to help. Just a bit because I was having trouble cooking dinner. She got mad. Wish there was more empathy from her.

More nightmares

Every night. Nightmares. I don't sleep until I am so exhausted I have no choice.
Then the nightmares happen.

Make them stop. Please.

Her wrist

I saw the scar on her wrist today. I don't shy away from her scars. I don't want her to ever feel shame about herself.
So I pointed it out to her. Told her it was a page in her story, and that I hoped the next chapter was going to be a lot kinder.

Hurt me

She hurt me last night.

I don't know if she realizes it was her. I couldn't take it. Went for a drive to clear my head.
Nice letter and hugs when I got back.

It's next morning and I'm still hurting bad.

See it through. Push through.

I know. But the cost is huge.

Broken

I don't know

Clothes dryer is stuffed. I'm so low on funds, work has dried up. A client is being difficult over paying me.

And I feel so lonely. I want to hold on to someone for a while. To love and be loved.
Tried to voice it on a site of "caring" people. Got crap for it. Deleted it.

Fuck my life. Some one please kill me. Do it in such a way the girls get a good payout. Preferably in a painless for me way.

Nightmares

A blue man made of diamond, about to be ground to dust between 2 giant stone hands. Accepting of his fate. Not wanting it but knowing its inevitable. Being done by a woman, also blue and made of diamond.

Tried to break me

He tried to break me while I was down.

Nope.

I can still crawl.

Although. It's not me you need to worry about. It's her.

Your time will come. I don't know what shes going to do, but it's not going to be nice.

You are messing with the daughter and husband of a dead witch you twat.

I know why

I know why they sent her to me.
I know why they said I was the only one who could fix her.

I am. That's not ego. I wish it was. I am because I have been slammed down over and over again.
But don't they understand? Yes I can take it. But it still hurts.
She pushes me, hurts me. Pulls me in and then shoves me away. It's not her fault. She has been hurt and had her trust broken by pretty much everyone. So now if she gets close she has to push them. Hurt them so they leave. Perpetuating the cycle.
So, she hurts me. A lot of the time I don't think she even knows she's doing it. She cuts so deep some days.
I shall patiently wait. She's getting better. I can see changes. Slowly, slowly.

Huh?

I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Just going to roll with it for now.

Hopefully it will take me somewhere good.

So confused.

Trigger day

Had to walk past one of the Drs who killed my wife today. He didn't seem to notice me. I wonder if he had no idea who I was or if he didn't want to acknowledge me.
Still hurts. I want to melt down. Just fall apart for a bit. Couldn't, had to keep my promise to take my daughter out of town today. Now there's guests in the house (thankfully I don't have to talk to them too much). Can't fall apart though. No safe area for that tonight.

I wonder how much alcohol my damaged liver can process. It's not been happy with me.

Mask on, gotta go be nice now.

Dear women. If you get cancer please, please, please. Don't let those fuckers take your lymph nodes. Even badly damaged, they are your last defense.

The universe is an abuser

Spent a few days feeling like things were back on track. Was able to lift my head up. Was good. Then in the space of an hour it slammed me to the floor, kicked me in the guts and walked off whistling.

Please stop this. Either make things better or fucking kill me. One or the other. This torment is fucking brutal.

I think I have gone insane

Yup. I'm bonkers. Quite mad.

Wish I could talk to someone about it but no way.

One plus..... I guess

Stress make me feel sick, so I eat less.

Lost almost 30kg in 3 years.

3 days of it.

When you have been falling apart for 3 days but there's no one you can tell it all too.

I don't want to do this anymore

I'm feeling done. So done.

Please. No more. I can't take it. What have I done to deserve this shit life of mine?

Why must I be thrown down. Stomped into the mud. Over and over until there's nothing left? You have broken me ok? I'm broken.

Just fucking kill me and be done with it.

More shit dreams.

4 hrs sleep again. Shit dreams.
Dreamed my wife wasn't dead. She was back with me. Then I realized that yes, she was dead, I watched her die, saw her in her coffin.

Watched her fall behind and drift off.
I feel so alone.
I hate my mind.

Very, very down

Spent a lot of last night awake. Worrying about my life. Mainly money and being alone.

When I did sleep off and on it was all low grade nightmares.

Woke up scared and alone, and down. Very, very down.

The arthritis in my foot hurts so badly today, each step is agony.

I don't want to do any of this anymore.

Sitting in the carpark outside my job trying to go in. Just trying to hold myself together.

It's me.

Secrets

I have secrets. Secrets so deep I don't even tell them in here.

I wish I could tell them to someone.

Ginger.

My cat ginger when I was a kid had cancer.

Took him to the vet with my mom. Held him down as they injected him.
It was the right thing to do. He was in pain. Wasn't going to leave him to die alone at the vet either.
Universe is fucking cruel isn't it?

Freedom?

If the universe pushed us into places we never wanted to go. Loved ones dying for example, and then it tries to push us reluctantly into something while claiming it will be alright this time. Is it ok to try and refuse? Will we be allowed to do so?

How much of our lives are really free will?

How much has already been decided for us? When was it decided? A billion years ago or last week?

Is it freedom or are we actually in a form of prison?

I'm sitting here on my bed with the dog in front of me. Did I choose to do that? Or was it already known

If someone kills themselves, was their death foretold? Or is that only afforded to the ones who die of other things.

They told me my wife had to die The universe said I needed to grow on my own. I never wanted that. When did they make that decision? A few days beforehand? Or was it a thousand years ago, maybe longer.

Again. How much freedom do we actually have?

Some call it the universe, some call it gods will, others use the word fate.

Are we free? Really free? Do people choose to be brave? Or successful?

Again, are we free?

aspies and the internet

Some of this I already said but.....

I was a virgin until I was 21. Women just weren't attracted to me. Very few are now too. I know many will think this crazy but until I was in my 20s I was convinced women hated sex. They only did it to shut the men up. Now I am in my mid 40s and I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that women still don't really like sex. I know that's wrong. Just can't shake it

I have not had very many girlfriends. I can count them on one hand.

20 years ago I met my future wife. She was a broken thing, living in a broken old cottage. She suffered such abuse as a child and then moved on to an abusive relationship. But underneath the timid broken woman. I saw intelligence, caring, kindness. And a spark of passion.

I remember the first time I visited her. I knocked on her door unannounced, she opened it, saw me, screamed and slammed the door in my face. She refused to let me in. Eventually she came outside to me. For about 5 minutes. then she shooed me away and told me not to come back for a week. She said many years later she was so worried about her appearance and the state of her house she nearly broke down.

I did return a week later. Then more and more often. Things happened very quickly, and circumstances pushed us to move in together after quite a short amount of time. I always treated her gently and with compassion. I got to watch her bloom into a confident passionate woman. I don't know if it was ego or what. But I loved seeing her become who she was. Who she should have been all along. She became this unstoppable force. No one or nothing got in her way. Heaven help them if they tried. I wound up living in her shadow and I was perfectly happy to be there.

In the 16 years we were together I never grew tired of going to bed with a woman and also waking up with one too. The niggle was always there. Why would a woman want me? It still persists today.

After 14 years, she found a lump in her breast. Things went downhill from there. So many medical mistakes. The cancer progressed very rapidly. 13 months after finding that lump I sat beside her as I watched her heart stop. She turned to me, took 2 breaths and died. 9:10am 21st of September. A moment burned into the core of my being. A stain on my soul.

Before she died she was unable to sleep in a bed. She had to spend her nights propped up on the sofa. I hated her not being there beside me at night. I missed her being there even more after she died. It was such a constant and a comfort in my life. No matter what the day bought that night there was a woman who wanted to spend the night next to me. That fact never, ever got old. I actually had trouble, even after all those years believing it. Yet there she was. Beside me.

Almost

She had been badly hurt. Her father molested her. When she finally came out and told them her father threatened to kill himself, they were more worried about her father than her. They turned on her, said she broke up the family. She was forced to leave. Fell in with a narcissist, convinced he was the only one who would ever love her she stayed for 30 years. She was finally able to leave her husband, but she had to walk away from her whole life, friends, children, all of it. He turned all of them against her.
A few years later, she was my neighbour. When my wife died she listened. Listened as I fell apart. Listened to my sorrow, my rage, my grief.
In turn I listened to her. Listened to her stories of hurt, betrayal and abuse.
I talked her into a date, and then another. The first time we had sex I remember the look that came over her as she approached orgasm, it was approaching fear. She simply said "what are you doing"? I realised that no one had ever done that to her. 53 years old and no man had taken the time to make it about her. (I remember another ex of mine, she once said there is sex and then there is masturbating into a a moist hole). I almost stopped, but she didn't ask me to stop so I gave her the orgasm and then stopped and held her tight. She was happy and shocked at the same time.
A short while later she stayed the night. I slipped out of bed first thing in the morning, made her a coffee and slipped back into the room. 53 years old, and it was the first time in her life someone had bought her coffee in bed. One morning I made her breakfast in bed. She said she hated it, no one had done that, ever, and she had no idea how to eat a meal in bed.
She said she loved spending time with me. I was the first person she could be herself with, she never had to feel like she was walking on eggshells, she could be grumpy, happy, whatever, and I was fine with it.
I was careful, I was the one to pick up on the fact that she unconsciously became agitated if a male stood between her and the door. I looked, studied as only an aspie can, and learned everything that made her uncomfortable and made sure it didn't happen.
Although I always drove the long way around the carpark at the supermarket. She was soooo adorable grumping about it until she realized I was doing it on purpose. Then she was even more adorable glaring at me.
.
My wife died from complications of cancer. And when she also got cancer my mind was screaming. But I kept it together. She knew I had reversed my wifes cancer and wanted to know everything I did. So I bought all the memories back. I told her and explained it to her. She followed it all, I am pleased to say that after 90 days Drs confirmed it was gone. But damn that was hard.
.
I messed up dear reader. I grabbed, and held on. I wanted her with me. Someone beside me in my bed at night. Someone to hold me when my demons came out to play and I fell apart.
She wasn't ready for that. She started pushing away. It hurt me. The more I wanted her close the more she pushed away. She ended it. I swore I would never make her feel trapped so I let her go. We are still best friends. But she isn't ready for anything as close as I need.
.
Bruised. Not broken. But close to breaking in our own ways.

That final letter.

I remember sitting beside my wife as they loaded her with fentanyl, unable to do anything but watch. The doctors had damaged her beyond saving. So I took her to the hospice. They offered an ambulance. I drove her there myself. They started pushing that shit in the moment she got there. At least she felt nothing.

Anyways I'm sitting there beside her. We both knew it was over. Felt I had to write her one last letter. Some of you have seen it. Life can really fuck you up sometimes. She was pretty much gone. I read it to her a couple of times, maybe she heard it, maybe she didn't.

To my dearest Polli, as I sit here upon the closing of your life I want to thank you.

Thank you for showing me I could be loved.
Thank you for showing me that I could love another
Thank you for showing me how to have so much compassion
Thank you for showing me how to be unflinching while facing massive adversity
Thank you for being there for me through the bad times and the good
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for crying with me.
Thank you for putting up with and understanding my quirks

You have been there for me as I have been there for you. I wish that I could have kept you longer, but I now acknowledge that this is not to be. I am filled with the sorrow of your leaving but I am also glad this final struggle of yours is at an end. Its taken such a toll on your poor body. Your strength and determination is a true inspiration both to me and to so many others.

I only have 1 final request. I want you to give up. I want you to stop fighting before the pain becomes too great. I know this is not who you are but its time. I love you so much, I do not want to see you like this.

Polli, I give you permission to go.
Polli, I release you from your promises
Polli, I release you from your vows
I do this publicly, witnessed by all those who read this.

I do not know where I go to next. I am broken too. My health, my business and part of my sanity lies in tatters. But I promise you, I will look after, protect and nurture our daughter to the absolute best of my ability. What I have done for you, I shall do for her.

Antother failed attempt

Tried to watch TV again. Watched weeds, was told it was a good comedy.
Woman who's husband died and how her world turned upside down and got really fucked up.
Hit home far too much. I almost cried. Gave up.

They took her too.

So, after my wife died I sat outside one night. I looked up at the moon and I said "Why? Why did you take her? Through all the hardships I have been through, everything that's happened she was the best thing. The best part." They broke me over and over but through it all I had her.
They answered me that night. They said "you have to grow. You could never do that in her shadow."
They forced me to change. A change I never wanted. I never asked for this.

Stripped bare, they took everything away from us, they took our son, they took our home, my mother, they took my health, left me living every day in physical pain, thrown down over and over. They couldn't break me. Everything they threw at me. Nothing could stop me. I got up every damn time because she was always there, we had each others backs.
If she went down I picked her up too. Unstoppable as a pair. We took on the world. Often lost, but still unstoppable.

So they took her too.

A sentinel event.

CAR5757 experienced a sentinel event while awaiting surgery for debriding a tumor. 

Just simple facts. Just a statistic. The doctors go home to their nice homes, to their nice families. A statistic happened at work today dear. 

Not needing to worry that a wife, a mother and someone loved by many paid the ultimate price for their mistake. All those hopes and dreams of her and her little family blown to pieces. 

Just a statistic. Nothing more. 

My Father

"Dads got prostate cancer. He felt you needed to know". That's how my sister told me. We always said things straight to each other. Just another piece of harsh reality. This was 3 months after my wife died and after I found out about the tumor in my sisters brain.
They say it doesn't rain but it pours. They think they cut the cancer out but they never know do they. Give it a few more years and we will see.
That will be it. Almost my entire family wiped out.
Mother, Sister, Father, wife.
Way to go world. I already felt alone. Why not take those connections from me too.
Me n My daughter against the fucking world.

My Mother

It was a Wednesday. It's funny how we remember stupid details like that. I was at work and my father calls and tells me to come to his office in town. I said I'll be free in a couple of hours, he goes "come NOW" I went there immediately, I pull up and start walking to his office, I see my sister rushing from the other direction, and I spot the police car. I knew, at that moment I knew. I looked at my sister and said mums dead.
It's amazing how our lives can be ripped apart in an instant. One moment its all flowing along being a normal day, next thing you know you are helping to pick your mothers coffin.
It's all so messed up isn't it?

My sister

At my wife's funeral my sister sat beside me. I noticed the walking sticks but I was a bit preoccupied at the time. She waited until later before letting me know she had a "mass" in her brain. She didn't want me to know before hand what she had been going through because I was already at my limits.
.
Shes tough, like the rest of my family. It's inoperable and will kill her at any moment but shes refusing to let it stop her. It's tough sometimes, she bought some baking to me recently (waffles) she apologised and said she had to tip them out of the container on the way because the tumor sometimes makes her spontaneously vomit. She has a fan in her handbag because her body often can't regulate her temperature anymore.
.
I'm being forced to watch as my sister slowly dies. There's nothing I can do.

Bad day

Alone today.

Probably good. World came crashing down. overthinking, oversharing.
Head hurts. Ate, napped, drank. Now I want to both eat and puke.
Shit day. No one here to help. Want a hug. No one here for that. Hasn't been in a while.

Feeling very, very fucking alone. I don't want to be in this world anymore. It's mean and feels pretty damn pointless.

818

I woke up recently with 818 firmly embedded in my mind. I went looking for the meaning. I hope this happens. I am ready to move forward. The past 3 years have not been kind.

Keep Seeing 818? Read this carefully…
The angel number 818 can symbolize the end of a significant chapter in your life.

Just as with angel number 808, this can be good news or bad news, depending on which part of your life is about to end.

But your angels want you to look at the good that will come out of this end. There’s a reason for everything, so learn to appreciate the reason why this has to happen.

This can be an area of your life that’s no longer making you happy, even if you keep trying to convince yourself that it still does.

Understand that any source of unhappiness or discontent affects the flow of positive energy in your life.

If you have to sever ties or get rid of things that are no longer healthy for you, know that new and better things will soon take their place. These things will help you get closer to your life ambitions and goals.

Whatever you have lost, you will soon regain. Whatever pain and hurt you’re feeling will be replaced with happiness and contentment.

Just trust in the process and know that your angels will not lead you astray. You have to go through these experiences and learn these lessons if you want to appreciate the good life that you will soon have.

The true and secret influence of Angel Number 818
With the angel number 818, just like with the angel number 18, you are encouraged to think about thoughts of richness, prosperity, and abundance.

What you think about is manifest very quickly, so make sure that your thoughts are made
of pure intentions.

Hurts

Having to watch while a woman gets sucked in by a narcissistic asshole. All I can do is hope she gets it soon and be there when it turns to crap. Not her fault. She's just looking for love in the wrong places. It's all she's known.

Hurts.

Had a friend telling me she opened up to someone who told her that all the bad stuff was her fault because she allowed it to happen. Yeah she said to me. I let my father climb on top because it was better than the beating that's so bad it breaks your skin.

Hurts too.

I want a nice long hug. No one here for that. Only the dog and he doesn't really like them. Not the same as a human anyways.

More hurt.

Today just hurts.

Hard days

Insane

Alcohol

There is a lack of alcohol in this house tonight.

Dammit.

Forced to change

Anxiety attacks

One small group I work for causes constant drama always issues.

They are making demands. Had to tell them no. Anxiety attack has kicked in.

Need to go to work. Want to hide.

Always had anxiety but over the past few months it's got bad.

Used to have people who could keep it at bay. Think I'm addicted to hugging. Can't have that now.

Still don't want to be here anymore. Especially on days like this.