On a roll.

Everyone thinks I am doing so well, creating content and posting it on my page. Almost 2,000 followers now.

I'm going through a partial mental breakdown which is how I'm writing so much.

Still out of place

It's not right. Somethings out of whack.

Now electronics keep pausing on me in weird ways, phones, computers, cash machines and cash registers. All of them are locking up for a few seconds when I use them.

I feel out of place too.

Lost

The past 3 days I have felt... Lost? Out of place? Can't put my finger on it. I had to remove myself from the world for a few hours on Sunday. The world got too much. I fell apart again.
Somethings not right. I don't know. Maybe its just stress.

single

Maybe this is it, maybe I should just be single. Maybe I'm just not capable of maintaining or having a relationship that one chance is gone, she's gone and that's it. 

I need to find a way to rewire my mind to accept this. 

xmas presents

My daughter is showing me pictures of what she wants for Xmas. It's not that extravagant really. But it's still more than I can afford. 

.

I feel like an utter failure today. 

.

My eyes are leaking. 

dinner with Rich relatives

So, my cousin tried to set me up with one of her friends. Did not work out. Was an awkward 3 hrs sitting there while I was largely ignored.

I particularly hated when they were talking about all the trips they had done and were doing. I'm here wondering how much longer my credit cards will hold out.

.

I'm useless. The most I can achieve is a few likes on Facebook. Doesn't pay the bills though does it. 

Xmas stress

Here it comes. The time where I don't get paid for months and where I have to take a month off unpaid. 

I have no savings and the credit cards are almost maxed out. 

I'm pretty fucked. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm stuck, not able to move forward. 

Feeling pretty fucked right now. 

Frustrated

Frustrated with my life. Feels like things need to happen but just aren't happening at the moment.

The modern gentleman

Loved by many. But not in a how about I show him real love, deep love, show him some kindness kind of way.

Many acquaintances, few friends.

Someone elses issues

I'm getting drawn into someone else's mess. I don't want to. My own messes are bad enough. But they have helped me. I should help them. I also know what its like when things get bad and everyone runs for it.

Do I have the strength?

Clearing her out.

Someone pointed out to me yesterday that if I wanted another woman in my life I had to clear my wife out. I never really thought about it until then. So the clear out happened. My daughter now has her stuff in her bedroom, ashes, photos jewelry. I felt some guilt and sadness but it wasn't as bad as I thought. Now there's some of her art in the lounge but that's pretty much it. Not even a photo of her. I purged my bedroom too. Bruised, not broken, choosing to move forward one step at a time.

Heart Ablaze

what is it about today

I need to stop trying to interact with humans. Fark me, this is getting crazy. 

Every one is feeling hurt or out hurting me. 

Can't take it. Gonna shower and go to bed. 

anyone?

When you need to reach out for a hand, and there's no one there. 

trying to be happy

Spent the weekend purposely working to stay happy. It's amazing when you do how many people are there trying to drag you back down. 

I don't like humans. 

My greatest fight

I fought so hard to keep my wife in this world.
Went without sleep, trashed the savings and the credit cards.
Sanity? That went somewhere along the way.
I pushed my own body until it was breaking. Literally. I was losing blood because my body was opening up. I once went blind for 30 mins. I refused to stop.
I spent all my spare time helping her or researching and learning.

Sometimes you do everything you can. Everything. But its not good enough. Then you are left wondering if there was more.

I hope, I truly hope I can find someone to love again. Someone I can love and who will love me in return. Someone with that little bit of crazy.

Makes me feel guilty wanting it though.

One day.

Until then I have to try to keep going. More fights. Can I prevail?

I know it feels like you are but you aren't actually broken. You went through some hard shit, I know it hurts, hurts real bad and it's going to hurt for a while yet.
When we pull a muscle it hurts, even when we stop doing the thing that hurt it. We know it takes time and rest for it to come right and to heal.
You need to treat your self the same. Give yourself time and rest to heal.

oops

We had gotten Chinese for dinner. Coming back home she had the food on her lap and playing with her phone. Went round a corner and it slipped off. Mine came open and all of it went on the floor. I didn't react. It happens. I simply got the dog out to clean it up (hes one hell of a high speed eater) and grabbed a pie, 60 seconds in the microwave and there was dinner. No biggie.

Poor thing. She was so upset she got mad and stormed off to her room. She came out later. Said she wasn't used to not being screamed at. She said the mother would have beaten her for it.

Shes not around anymore. I hope she finds the right person. I worry about her.

Hurts

So my best friend who is technically my ex has a new man.

She's telling me about him. I'm acting like I'm ok.

I'm hurting.

Wish I was good enough for someone.

Why do men have to be like that?

Walking the dog this morning. Met a lovely woman, so easy to talk to (rare) . Husband seemed reasonable but felt something underlying. Then she said something funny and he pretend to slap her. I saw her flinch for a second. He's done that before, without pretending.
Nothing I can do.
Why do men have to be like that? This shouldn't be who we are. There is no place for it.
But who am I? Just the odd ball, the lonely weird autistic guy who avoids people a lot.

Crazy Train

Be Happy

Just be happy they say. Like its that simple. You decide to be happy and you are.

No, it's not like that. Not when you are pushed and shoved by the world, not when the loneliness is crippling you. Not when you are trying so hard to pay the bills to support your little broken family... and not keeping up.

I don't want this depression, I don't revel in it. I know I need to be happy, ok? I know that. And I am trying. trying to recognize the bad times and working, trying to cope with it an stop it from happening.

This is a deep dark hole I'm in and its taking work, and I'm tired, tired of flailing around alone in the darkness. But there's only me, and its a long way out of this hole, and sometimes I slip.

I'll keep trying though. Keep trying to climb out.

Just taking a while. I hope I can make it.

Lows

Major depression last night. Hit me hard.
Anxiety attack all day today.
No reason for either.
Now its anxiety and depression tonight. Fun.
Come join my fucked up bandwagon of mental disorders.

PTSD trigger tonight. People are mean, judgmental when they have no facts.
I'm worn out. Too tired.

Lonely. Need hugs that aren't there.

Hate my empty life.

My closest friend.

Why do you put up with me she asks? Even when I'm mean or nasty or having a bad time? Why do you keep coming back? You are always here when I need it the most. She says. 

It's because I understand what you did. When my life fell to pieces you were the one who was there for me. You gave of yourself when I had nothing. When all the others got bored of the spectical of me drowning you held out your hand. 

I may not have been myself but I still saw what you were doing. You stood with me when I could not myself stand. 

I will not forget that. 

Push, push, keep going.

Push, push, keep going, that's what I hear, that's what I keep saying to myself. Better times are coming. Hold on.
But the better times don't come. It's one dreary shit lonely day after another.

How long do I have to hold out. How long do I delude myself for?

I don't want to be like this. It's pointless this life I have right now. There's nothing for me. 

No more. Please?

Deluded? I don't know

Still feel like somethings coming. Getting told somethings coming. Saying its close, real close.

Or is it just delusion?

Trying to talk to a woman in a dating site. But shes so normal. I don't think I can do it. I need a chunk of crazy. Can't handle neurotypicals.

Removed a bad crutch

Today I did something. It may seem insignificant. I gave away the pipes sitting outside my house.

Just some junk to the observer. Those pipes represented my ultimate way out. If life ever got me to the point where I was going to suicide those pipes were how I was going to do it.
I was going to take a section, attach it to my car exhaust and run it into the car.

I am purging this house of negativity. They had to go.

I feel weird. Like this secret thing I had to prop me up has gone.

Driven to purge

I feel driven. Like there's this urgent need to clean and clear. Whatever is coming it's not far away. 

Purging the house.

Daughter is away for 2.5 weeks. It's a long weekend and I'm having a purge. 7 rubbish bags worth so far and I'm not done yet.

I want to change the energy in this house. Lighten it.

I'm working to change the house and myself.

I also feel like change is coming to me. Good. I can't survive like this anymore.

Postsecret

I wonder if that was the main reason she slept with me.

Stupid sheep

I see an article in the news about a polio outbreak in the Philippines caused by vaccines and the only thing officials can answer with is get more vaccines.
 https://www.abc27.com/health/philippines-declares-new-polio-outbreak-after-19-years/

Watch a piece on US homeless veterans and homelessness. This is something I still have difficulty grasping. The US were the invaders, they fucked up countries that were peaceful until then. And people willingly go over there despite it being known widespread what happens afterwards.

I get mad when I see videos of troops coming home and greeting their crying kids. The trauma they put their kids through because they put their career before their children. They were NOT forced to go. I think those videos are shit. But I can't say anything because of the backlash.

I saw an article on David Belamy a very respected scientist who was shunned for daring to speak out on global warming. Its not scientific consensus, it's scientists being forced to agree or have their career ruined.

I'm the odd one in this world. But it's because I can see what the sheep cannot. Sometimes I would love their stupidity and ignorance. Must be bliss. But I don't, I am me.

Happy vs Depressed

last night's dream

I'm in the car with my wife. She's arguing over something that happened years ago. I was stiffed out of some money right on Xmas a few years ago. She makes me stop the car and she gets out and storms off.

I'm annoyed too so I get out as well. I climb a bank and sit in the bushes where I can't be seen. She comes out and she can't find me. I'm sitting there watching her. She's worried. She gets in my car and drives off. Not sure how but I know she's driving to get help from my mother. 

Odd. My wife and my mother are both dead. 

So I wander up a side road that's there. There's a house, random people in it. I decide not to go in so I head back towards the main road.

Dream ends there.  

This is not petty behavior that either of us would have engaged in. And I did it with little to no emotion. Like I was more a spectator in the dream. 

Shopping

This may not seem like much but today my daughter and I went shopping and picked out a dress for her to go to a wedding and then she also got shoes.

Both of us are autistic and what may seem like nothing for so many was a massive achievement for us.

dreams

Odd dreams last night, a fire coming to the city and there's people, just a small group that need saving and they're looking to me for leadership. I don't really know what I'm doing but I have to make decisions because they can't do it themselves. We need water I know that water is important so I get them to fill water bottles and I'm trying to get them to move urgently because the fire is coming, we get out of the building and the skies are burning up and I can see it approaching but I don't know what to do because it's going to come before we can escape the city. I'm thinking we need to find a river. The dream ends there.

Next dream, I'm in a prison it's a bit strange because the fences are waist-high and there's virtually no guards. I can see that I could leave very very easily but it's important that I don't because there's a.... this is difficult to explain is like an entity looking out for us and contacting us there and I need to stay there because of that entity, it will help in important ways. When I say us I am aware of others there but I can't work out who, or maybe what they are.

Another strange aspect of this dream, the prison vehicles are limousines.

Another dream, I don't know if it's related or just because of something that I saw on the internet recently but I found an old car of mine, a sports car that I used to love and it turns out it was just being kept in storage for me, I went and had a closer look and it'd been in storage 4 years and I turn the key expecting the battery to be flat and she actually started, there was just enough juice left in it. It was neat, but I couldn't take the car with me at the time which was a shame I'm not sure why I couldn't take it but it wasn't right, soon, very soon.

I woke up and check the time 818 I've seen that number before it heralds change. Last time that number started popping up there was a big change. 

I keep seeing things, coincidences, but too many coincidences. Been like it for a week. Is it my imagination? Time will tell. 

Attacked from all sides

What is it today?

Women are having a go at me from all directions. I didn't think I was being that bad. Fuck me. I really do need to hide for a bit.

Humans are mean. I don't get it. Why do they have to be this way? What point is there in it? I'm not perfect. But I try to be good. I really do.

My goals in life.
1. Find someone kind
2. win the lottery
3. remove myself from people in a nice nowhere location.


And now I see something I posted that's supposed to be in a safe closed site has been shared. 

why do we bother with love

Why why do we bother with Love? It just leads to pain, death, abuse, being yelled at. Why? What's the point? All that comes out of it is pain, heartbreak, is there any good? I don't know it just hurts. 

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Is it because I'm aspie? I don't know. You get lifted up, boosted and then thrown down and I'm left here wondering what did I even do, and I don't know. I'm tired, so, so tired.

I am strong. But you don't know the truth.

People tell me how strong, how brave I am. They don't realize how right and wrong they are. 

None of them know about the nights I spend sitting on my bed wrestling with my thoughts. They don't know about the endless hours I fight to stay alive. How I wake up in the morning having managed to make it through another night without succumbing to the darkness.

They don't know how I feel good and then crash for no reason. How I fight to hold on to the feeling good and how hard I push to remove the feeling bad. 

I don't want to feel bad. I love the good feelings, I really do. 

Nights are the worst. Here alone with myself. It's not a chemical imbalance. It's not. It's my life that's wrong. My mind screams about how it's wrong. But no one is there to help. That's part of the problem, there's no one. I just want to hold on to someone for a bit. That touch, that comfort.

Sometimes it hits me for days, I go to work, put on my happy mask. Fake it. But that makes me more tired. And so I am down even more, a cycle that makes the battle harder. 

It's been like this for so long. The battles within myself. If they showed as visible wounds I would be covered in scars. 

But none of them see me. I'm just the guy in the supermarket, or at work or in the line at the bank. I look a little tired but still fine. Nothing wrong with him they think. 

But they don't see that night time battle. 

It's night time again. The demons in my mind are whispering. I'm so tired. Sometimes I get tempted to let them win. No more battles then, no more fighting. A long rest. 

But not tonight. The battle begins once more. Round and round we will go. Can I win tonight? Or will it be days of this? I don't know. But once more I shall fight. For now. 

Why am I still single

2 people today asking why I am still single. It's a question I ask myself all the time. 

Wish I had an answer. Ugly? Terrible personality? Cursed? All of the above?

I don't know. 

Facebook, fear and depression

My facebook page is all funny and confidence. It's a lie, but its a lie society expects, no, it's a lie that society demands. Show how you really feel and people run for it.

Yet we see reports that the falsity of peoples lives on social media causes more issues and depression.

Interesting. We lie to each other to show people how not to be depressed and that in itself causes depression, but if we don't then people turn away and we are depressed. A massive self perpetuating wealth of depression.

Why?

Government: Obey or go to jail
School: Obey or fail
Religion: Obey or go to hell.

The whole system is geared to pretend they are working from a position of love and caring but in fact they are instilling fear in everyone. So we have a population who are scared of everything from the constant fear. Look at the news, it's all about instilling fear.

Maybe that's why we have so many abusive relationships in the world. Because we have been brainwashed to believe fear is love.

Fear is not love.

When James Camerons avatar movie came out it caused a new psychiatric disorder. People were desperate to live a life of simplicity and working inside nature. It affected people to their core. 

We are being forced and coerced into a self perpetuating spiral of depression and fear while our senses and our upper selves are screaming at us that it's wrong. All wrong. We know this is not how things should be yet no one can see the way out. 

I can see it. A few others can too. I think that's where we fit in. I am here to help change this world. No, I'm not going to do it on my own. I'm no hero, but I can add my voice to those who are saying enough, and we are doing what we can to help those who need our help and healing. It's just a shame I had to experience the lows personally in order to empathize with others. 

We are the wounded healers. 

Meh

Feel like writing but I don't really have anything to say.

Random anxiety attacks, some of them are pretty bad.

Random depression, comes and goes.

World is still cruel.

I want to love again.

Just me

I'm 45 years old. I have seen and experienced more than I cared to. I have had to farewell too many loved ones. Felt too much heart ache, been hurt too many times. I've been beat up, bullied insulted, threatened, made fun of. I've had money but more often I've been poor. I've lost a child, a wife, a mother. I've experienced injustice. I know all too well what sleepless lonely nights in an empty bed feels like. I have cried. I have begged the universe to kill me.
.
But guess what? I'm still kind. I have helped people even when others have demanded I leave them. I have gone without to give to people. I have used my meager money to buy groceries for people who had less than me.
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And although I am careful who I help because I have so little to give anymore. I'm telling you. I'll still do it. I don't believe in karma. It's cool if you do. I'm not wanting rewards in the next life.
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I do it because it's the right thing to do. I can't save the world. I know that. But I can help a few people have a better time in it.
.
So, here I am. Some random guy. Sitting here alone on his bed. I cannot fix your world. I'm sorry. I truly wish I could. But I do hope, genuinely hope today is going to be a better day than yesterday for you.

Fuck them

Fucked up

This world is fucked up. Not sure I want to be a part of it anymore. If j didn't have a daughter I wouldn't last the night.

Keep hanging on

They say keep hanging on. I don't know if I want to.

https://youtu.be/l5GaVKX9NDQ

Too much

Watched a tv show about an autistic guy.

Over the top but it hit too close to home.

I'm fucked in the head. Spend my time calling myself differently wired. Maybe. Maybe not.

Oh my wife. I appreciated you I really did. But I never understood just how amazing you were. You kept them all at bay while showing me love.

Its all fucked up.

My body is stuffed. My brain is wired wrong. My career is in tatters.

My only close physical friend is an autistic woman who yells at me when I get depressed.

I feel like I have walked off a ledge and I'm falling. I can't see what's at the bottom. Will it be soft, or spikes. Right now I'm hoping for a swift end.

I cannot help.

I'm sitting here at the beach just along from a woman parked in her car. I can feel the stress emanating from her. She's a mess. She's just sitting there staring straight ahead. She didn't even see me walk right in front of her.
I want to stop and talk to her. Let her unload if she needs to, give her a hug and tell her she will get through this.
.
But society has told both of us not to allow that. A male is to be feared, women are taught to isolate themselves from men. Men have been told not to have or express emotions. So we must go our separate ways. I cannot help her.
.
This world is wrong.

3 years ago on facebook

Pissed some people off that night. Also a good lesson in being me. 

OK. For those who are wondering what I said last night. First of all this could be offensive. My apologies if you get offended with bodily things, if you do then its best not to read on.

Now, all credit to the first person who responded. She contacted me and we sorted it. And a partial apology, the video was on her personal feed. I didn't realize that.

I saw a video of men being afraid of tampons. I didn't look all too carefully at it. I should have because it was just a joke. Stupid Edward. I deleted my response so I cant give you my exact wording but essentially it was...........

"pfft you aren't a real man until you have peeled your wife's blood soaked liner from her panties while she showers. Extra points if you did it the day after she gave birth."

In hindsight that's probably not the best. But over the years with both a wife and daughter I have had to deal with a lot of bodily stuff. It happens. And its really happened over the past few months. I have become adept at staunching blood flow while cutting fixumol (think giant cut able band aids) and applying it. I can walk into a room and tell from the smell the difference between aired and unaired necrotic tissue (have the bandages come open). I have walked to the toilet carrying bowels of vomit (that's still worse than blood). I have washed more blood and exhudate covered towels, blankets etc than I care to know.

If you can't handle bodily things it may be best to unfriend me. I am a guy who cares. And I do not run away from stuff like that.

Begging

Someone is on a local facebook page bitching about how people were using crowd funding pages.

I remember when I had to use it. My wife had to change her dressings on her own for several months. She did it while leaning over the bath and washing her breast down removing blood and exhudate. The roof was stuffed and it leaked in multiple places. One of those places was the bathroom. If it was raining she had to drape towels over her back because the water would drip on her while she did the changing.
I cannot begin to tell you how inadequate I felt that she had to do that. I felt like the biggest piece of shit, unable to provide for my family while my wife was forced to endure crap on top of crap.
In the end I had to as they say, swallow my pride. I set up a page to beg money from people to fix the roof. It hurt, it fucking hurt me to go begging. I don't cry a lot but when I published that page on the net begging money. I could barely make out the button to click it. It was just more hurt on hurt. It was a brand new low in my life that day.