Dear God. I have some questions.

Dear God, I have some questions.

Why did you take my wife before she even made it to 50? The one good thing in my life? 

Why did you take my mother before she made it to 60?

Why is there a mass in my sisters brain?

Why does my father have cancer?

Why am I autistic? Why is my daughter also autistic?

Why do I have chronic fatigue syndrome?

Why do I have rheumatoid arthritis?

Why do I have osteocondritis?

Why do I have to live every waking moment in pain?

Why do I have to live knowing that some time soon my spine will give out and I will be in a wheelchair?

.

Why do you supposedly only give people as much as they can take? Do you say that to the people hanging from trees with a rope around their neck?

.

Tell me about childhood cancers?

And plagues? 

.

Why did you not want man to have knowledge?

.

Why do you allow such atrocities to be committed in your name?

.

"When I come before you I will not be begging for forgiveness, but demanding an apology" -A rough translation of words found scratched onto a wall at Auschwitz. Why did you leave so many to die so terribly?

.

murder and exhaustion

The world is protesting, people are marching in the streets, there is rioting and looting because a black man was killed by police officers. I get the outrage. But when my wife was killed by those charged to protect her there was barely a murmur. Months of ripping myself to pieces for justice ended in a tiny 2 page letter of apology. 

That's it. I'm left to try and carry on. No help. I'm so exhausted. People don't get it. My daughter is autistic. She may seem almost normal but she isn't The one that hurts the most is her lack of empathy. She doesn't care about me. I have been asking her for days for help. She won't. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to use the last of my energy to clean a bit. It's going to push my body over the edge. But it has to be done. 

.

Please, whatever is supposed to be there watching over us. I can't do this anymore. Please, help me. 

Please. Not people looking on going awwww. I need actual help. 

.

Or just fucking kill me. Seriously, I don't give a fuck either way. My life is shit. I don't want to be here anymore. 

Hello darkness my old friend

I saw this today. I don't know. It's been a long hard time. I got sick, really, really sick, like, "will I survive?" sick. Tonight I just feel alone, I want to curl up with someone and just hold on for a bit. But there's no one. Today I am still here. And she isn't. I'm exhausted from fighting this illness and I just want to not be the fighter. Tired of life. Trapped in a body that gives me nothing but problems but it won't give up. 

Mothers Day Weekend

Well, here it is. Mothers day weekend. I used to love this weekend so much.

I wanted my wife to have the day all to herself with no obligations to other family so we moved her day to Saturday. On the day we always did a big road trip to somewhere special, the whole day was filled with fun things for her. She loved it.
Sunday was actual mothers day.

Now I have no wife, and my mother was killed too.

The day is blank.

And I can't say anything to anyone because I don't want them to feel guilt.

Hurts. I feel very down and very alone.

Accepting single. No longer looking.

A few days ago on one of the singles facebook pages I was on there was a big drama. There are often dramas on those pages. Anyway, I realized how much easier my life has been lately. I can just be me without compromise. So I removed myself from all of those pages and deleted tinder. This Modern Gentleman is starting to think that maybe alone is better. I had my time with someone, it's done, it's over. I'll simply have peace instead. Living life for me.

Life and death

I hope you don't take this as a poor me post. Do not feel sad. This life has been quite a journey with ups and downs. Sometimes we need those downs to understand things.
.
It's a funny old thing life. You live it day to day, often just trying to make it through to another day, another, week, another month. Sometimes you get a wee reminder that one day it's going to be no more.
I'm sitting here, showing symptoms of Covid 19. I am sick, it's not an infection. Slim chance I have it but I have to wait 2 days to find out. Makes a guy think.
46 years. Some of it went in the blink of an eye. Some of it dragged to feel like 4 lifetimes already. I have seen too much, hurt too much and said final farewells to too many people.
It's been hard a lot of the time. So many wrongs and unfairness. There are some bad people in this world. And they simply get away with being bad. Just because someone is bad doesn't mean being good will cancel them out. There's an unfortunate truth. People have done such nasty things to me. I'm not going to talk about that now.
Then there is my heath. I try not to talk about it too much. I am an open book, but why burden others with it, few want to know anyways. I live every day in constant physical pain. In some ways you kind of get used to it. But it's always there, gnawing at you.
I am tired. Tired of all the bad stuff. Tired of mean people, and tired of my pain. I get the lesson though. All the terrible things. It's given me empathy and understanding. I hear peoples stories. I do not judge. I get it. I understand. Not from compassion. But from Empathy. Two different things.
.
I have loved and been loved. Now there is what makes it worth it, for me. I raise a glass to those few who I have had an intimate connection with. Not just my wife. To the others as well.
.
There's also all those moments. You know? A simple picnic with family, and butterflies ( I know, tough guy) I love those little buggers, so colorful and they are too light so they cant really fly straight. Just going around doing their thing. Road trips to places. And, I'm going to admit it. Hugs. I miss those a lot. Walking in nature, good food, something funny. So many little things.
.
Have I lived a full life? Yeah, I think so. Done all sorts of weird and crazy things. Regrets? Not many. I would have liked to have had one last long term relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe not.
.
If you are lucky enough to be in a good relationship right now. Do me a favor. Go give your significant other a big hug. One day, they aren't going to be there for that any more. Or you wont be. There is a harsh truth. One day it's going to end.
.
If you don't have one. I hope you find love one day. The right love.
.
Life is shorter than you think.
.

hospital

So I had to take myself up to the hospital tonight. It was full so they stuck me in the Transit area, that's where they put the patients going home. First woman was elderly. She's terminal and doesn't have long to go. She's wishing she can visit her grand children. But right now she can't. Not with the country in lockdown. She's not sure she ever will hug them again. 

.

Second woman. A lot younger. Scarring all over her arms. She seems so kind. Such a nice person. There's some demons in her.  

.

I wish I could help. You know? Bring some joy to them. But it was not my place. Apart from a smile and a few friendly words. 

.

This modern gentleman wants to help. But I can't, not like that. So, here is my Facebook page instead. I have made it to show people they can be treated right. Not just can. They should. You all have the right not to be treated like shit.

a change in my mind

Something has changed in me. Sure I miss my late wife. And I still have fond memories, of course I do. I spent half my life with her. But, I have noticed lately. An.... acceptance. It's not quite the right word, but it's close enough. It's difficult to explain right. Yeah, there are triggers and things. But I accept that she's gone. That is a period in my life that is complete. It is no more, and, I'm ok with that. It feels odd, it's difficult to explain. But I feel ok that she's gone. That does not diminish what we had either, but I feel ok. 

I got to stop

Everyone hating this lockdown. For the first time in many, many years I have been able to stop. No guilt. Just be still. It's allowed me to catch up with myself. To recover from life. I have been given enough money to get by, I have my home. I can simply rest. It's like I can actually heal a bit. 

I'm sorry to those having a difficult time. But for me. This is a peace I have not had in a long, long time. 

I am thankful. 

companionship

I look at my daughter sleeping, holding her stuffed toy.
Humans are hard wired for companionship.
When ever I see someone saying that they will never want anyone, it makes me sad.
I am sad because the only reason they say that is because someone else broke them.
It had to be something harsh, brutal to get in and wreck them so badly that it broke their core beliefs.

Corona virus

Our country has been locked down. Most of the world has been.

Businesses are going bust. More will soon too. The country is going to isolate itself for a long time. Tourism is going to go. 

The world has changed. 

I have virtually no income. I don't know when I will have much. No time soon. The schools will be closed for a long time. 

Best not to think too hard about it. 

copping abuse

So, I posted something I found on my blog, it was about men carrying everyone with no outlet themselves. 

I got a lot of abuse for it. One of them was my best friend. She tore strips off me. Ironic really, kind of proved my point. 

I don't like this world.

a story

We were in a bookstore and I saw a book from my childhood. I hadn't seen it in years. I picked it up and read it to her. It was only short. I put the book down and she was staring at me. "No one has read to me in years" she said. 

Guys, read her a story. She will love it. 

Down today

Some days you feel like a million bucks, totally unstoppable. Then the next morning you wake up and you just don't want to do this life thing anymore.
I didn't used to be like this. Not this bad anyways. I don't want to be like this. To feel like this. But this is my reality.

Circles, dancing

Whats going on?

Women dancing around me. Coming in close and then dancing away again.

Can't get near any of them. All overseas. But still, they dance close and then away again.
It's like the universe just wants to torment me. Keeping that which I crave just out of my reach.

Why must you torment me so?

Another came so close, now shes moving away, to be replaced by another.

None of them stay. They never do.

the modern gentleman

She told me she cut her hair short to stop her ex grabbing her.

.

She said her smile was almost right now, after he broke her jaw.

.

She told me how she hated her selfie because she could see her nose. The one he broke 4 times.

.

She showed me proudly how well she had done patching the holes in the wall. Where her husband had pushed her through. 

.

It makes me sad to hear these stories but I'm glad they tell me. 

.

It gives me purpose. It gives the modern gentleman purpose. 

.

Tomorrow I release a book on sex. In it I show how women should be treated right. That's my purpose right now. 

.

I can't fix the world. I'm no saviour. I'm no hero. But I can start something. Cause ripples. Show women how to be treated right. Once they see that they don't have to put up with it. When enough do. Maybe men will change. 

.

Will someone save me?

My anxiety

My anxiety is high. I'm freaking out over everything.
People keep asking me questions, I used to be able to answer them. Now it's like I am suddenly dumb.
I don't know, I just don't know any more.
Some of them I am having to apologize and say I just don't know.
I feel useless.

And alone.

Lockdown

It's just hitting me now. Tomorrow we effectively become prisoners in our own homes for a month.
We are still free to do what we want in our homes, I am still allowed to walk my dog. But there are so many things we can't do. No more road trips, no visits to parks. I am relishing the time off. But the other stuff......
It kind of feels surreal. I'm a little nervous.

dream

Cat (Ronald) comes home, something has attacked him. He's in a bad way. Half his lower jaw is busted and part of his head is torn away. 

He's loving me, trusting me. And I'm going to have to drive him to the vet to be euthanized. 

Woke up having a coughing fit. 

It's 2am. Don't want to go back to sleep. 

Hate my mind. 

outdated

I remember one day finding a pair of cufflinks in a case. They looked neat. You could almost feel the important occasions they had attended. 

But of course the way modern clothes are, they are no longer relevant, there is no way to use them. 

And today, I realized, the role of the gentleman has gone the same way. A piece of nostalgia, everyone loves the idea, they sure think it's neat. But there is no longer a place for them in this world. 

.

Women are no longer looking for a quality relationship, they want some guy who turns up once every one to two weeks, fucks their brains out and pisses off. 

.

They like the ideal of the modern gentleman. But he no longer fits into this world. Nothing more than a relic, stuck in a drawer to be looked at sometimes. Nothing more. 

Take me back

I want to go back 5 years.

Before all this shit. I want that ignorance of all this shit that's happened in that time.

Take me back.

Take this hurt away.

Take away the pain.

Please?

Karma and past lives

If Karma exists then I want to know what the fuck I did in my last life to deserve this shit.
If karma exists in that form then its an abuser because I am paying the price for someone else's mistakes. I am not that person.

Little girl

I see her you know.
I see that little girl,
crouched in the corner of your soul.
Hiding from the world.
They were so cruel.
They broke her.
Snapped her innocence.
Left her there as they walked away.
I see her.
Hiding in the corner of your soul.
You may think of her as discarded, or dead.
Maybe a stain.
Shes still there.
Maybe one day things won't be so cruel
Maybe one day people won't be so harsh.
Maybe one day....
She can come out,
and play with me

Kirsti :(

I see they deleted your facebook page today Kirsti.

You were a good friend. Messed up, but good.

I'll miss our 2am screams and rants about life.

I hope you are in a better place.

I'll be there mental health posts

I fucking hate it when people post those bullshit fucking I'll be there if you need me mental health posts.

I want to respond and say you fucking piece of shit liar. When I was there on facebook asking for help and melting down. Where the fuck were you? I know where the fuck you weren't.

out of place

I feel out of place tonight. Where life just builds up. All that shit from your past is threatening to fall out of the closet you have been sweeping it into.

I feel like one of those dogs in a shelter, cowering in a corner after a lifetime of crap. Hoping for love but wondering if you care anymore. 

I just want to scream leave me alone at the universe, while secretly hoping someone won't. 

Saw a Facebook pace today of people in loving relationships. I was stunned. I didn't think they existed anymore. It was like a forgotten world. 

My life is not where I want it to be. But I'm lost and I can't find a way out of it. 

Help me, I'm drowning.

Random shit rambling. 

I don't know. I just don't know. 

Aspergers

They call it Aspergers, Or High functioning autism, or simply autistic, or neurodivergent.

Call it what you like. I am different. I am not normal. I see the world in ways others cannot.
And I don't like what I see. Its full of fear, and hate, and greed.
It's full of bullshit games and power struggles. I see the world for what it really is.

But I am the outcast. The weirdo. The one who is wrong.

Older

I miss that..... naivety.
When I believed everyone was inherently good.
Then when I believed that there were some who weren't good but the good always won.
Then when I believed that if you were diligent you could keep away from the bad ones.
Then when I believed that at least those in power would help the people
Then when I believed that those who's job it was to protect or heal would do all they could to do that.
Then when I believed love could conquer all.

Now I know and have experienced too much.

Now I don't think I believe in much of anything.

the ultimate mask

Everyone thinks I'm getting my shit together. That I'm doing so well. 

It's a lie. I feel like I'm gunning the engines full speed into a massive Trainwreck. 

I feel so alone.

I don't want this pain.

I don't want to be here anymore. 

Times change things end

Today the old trampoline was taken away. The mat was stuffed, the pads had dissolved and the springs had rusted. The swingset was long busted and they took that too.
I went back up the back of the property this evening. I sat on the remains of a seat I had made for my wife (it too is dissolving). I haven't sat there for some time. She used to sit there while our daughter played on the trampoline or swings. It had a small shade canopy, sometimes she would lay down and doze.
I became overwhelmed for a while. My eyes tried to leak. Sometimes I wish I could go back to simpler times. Back when I had ambitions. When I had a family who I loved and who loved me back.
My daughter didn't even look when they were taken away. She was too busy playing computer games.
And my wife, well, shes been dead 3 years now.
Everything comes to an end. Everything. If its a good thing I hope it lasts. If its bad, I hope it ends quickly for you.
Life is short. Cherish the good, move on from the bad.
And please. Everyone. Just be kind to each other, ok?

2 am in the bathroom

We bought our first house together, It wasn't much, but hey, it was ours.
A few days after moving in I woke up at around 2am and noticed the other side of the bed was empty. I stroll out to use the toilet and there she is, in the bathroom.
"What are you doing" I asked, in that state where I didn't want to wake all the way up.
"The carpet in here is disgusting, and who the hell carpets a bathroom"? She said, half annoyed. I know the other half of her wasn't annoyed. She had the first house she could call hers and if she wanted to rip carpet out at 2 am then no one was going to stop her.
I chuckled a bit. "Try not to stay up all night ok"? She grinned, along with a determined look. "I'll be there soon" she said.

She was neat.

Saturday morning

7 am Saturday morning. I would roll over, put my arm around her and whisper those magic words into her ear.
"Hey, its Saturday morning, there's a 50 in my wallet, wanna go yard saleing?"
A grin would spread across her lips, she would dreamily roll over, the smile would grow as she opened her eyes, still partly asleep. "Yeah" she would dreamily say.
I would slip out of bed, feed animals, and get things sorted while she got herself up and found something to pull on.
I was never a fan of the things. But the grin on her face when she came away loaded with some bargain she had discovered. Oh, that smile was perfection.
There really is something magical about the smile of a woman.

Drunk, happy women.

Drunk, happy women are awesome.
It's 2 am and the 2 of you are in bed talking shit, and she announces she's hungry. Really, really hungry. So you slip out of her bed, slip on her dressing gown (women's dressing gowns are always so soft and silky) and wander out to the kitchen, find some cheese and ham in the fridge, some bread in the pantry. You make her a sandwich, it's not brilliant because its 2am and you have had a couple of beers too. You take it back to bed and shes there eating this sandwich telling you its the best shes ever had. And she's being honest. You know shes had better, but right then she's just happy and loving a sandwich and it's the best. Those are the good times.

World Cancer day

So I see we have a world cancer day.

Random memory.
I wished I would get terminal cancer when I was a young teen. Yes, it was death. But at lest I would be noticed and cared about for a bit.
I always felt so alone.

Falling apart.

I have been falling apart. No one has noticed. Am I that good at hiding it? Or does no one care?

I get it

I get it. Really, I get it.
Sometimes this world gets to be too much.
It wears you down.
It breaks you.
It just becomes too much.
You want the pain to go.
You want it to go away. All of it.
There isn't much I can say.
Except.... I'm glad you are still here.

A birthday that isn't

She would have been 53 today. There would have been cake, a road trip to some new destination. Favorite foods, a nice time. By now we would be sitting at home enjoying a movie after a big day.
They say all good things must come to an end. You never know how much that can ring true until it happens. Happy birthday to my late wife. I raise a beer in your name. I trust you are flying proud still, causing havoc somewhere.
I miss your laugh right now.

what did I do?

What have I done to deserve this? This empty life of mine. The physical and emotional pain. Please, enough. Make it stop. 

I see it

I see all the people playing their stupid games. I see the patterns, how they move and dance their dances. Sometimes I wish to join them, dance alongside them. But I just can't quite match their rhythm. I don't like it anyway. So I say against the wall.
Alone.

Weird times

Sometimes I get this odd feeling. Like reality isn't quite real. Like I am on the verge of popping out of this into something else.

It's rather disconcerting when it happens.

last night

Last night was bad. I was so down. Tried reaching out for help.

2 went to bed.

1 told me to get therapy.

I gave up after that. 

Good reminder, when it comes down to it I am alone.

feeling deeply

It costs me so much to feel like this. Every little thing from touch to sound to emotion is amplified. I cannot wear certain types of clothing because I cannot tolerate it's feel. I cannot go to a rock concert, the sound would push me to breaking point. Some foods are too much. 

When I love, I love too hard. I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel loved. Because when I get that back. I feel that too. So much I feel it, it's the best thing in the world. But when I get hurt. There is too much pain. 

One day I hope to find a gentle person one who will enjoy my kindness and caring. And simply be kind back. 

still trying and failing

Took my daughter on a day trip today.

Told the I would be happy to take her and her kids. But I knew she wasn't going to be up for it and that was ok. 

Wrong thing to say apparently. 

Now I am a terrible person who puts too much pressure on. 

Asked my female friend. She said she's probably not going to want to talk to me again. 

I don't understand humans. I feel so out of place. 

I don't want to be on this planet any more. I don't think I belong here. 

School

School. The place where so many of my issues came from.

People say you look back on your school days as the best days of your life. Fucking bullshit. Those were the worst days. I have been through some shit storms in my life but school was 11 years of continuous terror. I relate to women who have been in narcissistic relationships, not because I have been in one but because I was trapped in a hell called school. And there was no way out of the daily terror.
I remember my first day at school. 41 years ago was my first day, aged 5. My mother taking me there and leaving me alone. In a room full of strangers. I remember the abject fear. The teacher was kind to me on that day. That was at least something. I did not know a single person in that entire school.
That was my introduction to feeling alone.
Corporal punishment was in. There was no permission required from parents and no need to notify them either. They could assault and humiliate you in any way they wanted and it was ok. They had one teacher who dealt out all the punishment. He was a brutal, sadistic fuck who reveled in his job. He had 2 favorites. A leather strap. He named it herbie. It was not a belt. This thing was custom built to inflict maximum pain upon its victim. His second one was a small wooden bat. He would put a massive x on it with chalk and belt you with it. On your ass. He would check you throughout the day and if the chalk came off he would do it again.
That was my introduction to making myself invisible.
I managed to avoid both of those punishments. It was years of walking on eggshells, never stepping out of line.
I only encountered him once on the wrong side of things. I had failed to complete some work. Just couldn't do it. I was sent off to see him. Knew I couldn't disobey, I couldn't run. That was a hard walk to his room with my books. He stood me up in front of his class of 30 kids and proceeded to scream at me while the kids laughed at me. I held myself together throughout the barrage. It wasn't until he suddenly smacked me on the head with my book that I broke.
That was my introduction to public humiliation.
Autistic and Asperger's didn't exist back then. You were just a weird misfit and there was no help class sizes were around 30 kids I think. I don't remember the exact number. It was loud. So loud every day, it was intolerable and excruciating and it didn't let up.
That's where I learned  about inescapable psychological torture while not being able to articulate what was wrong.
I could read. I was reading full length novels at age 6, famous 5 was a favorite series, an escape from reality. The thing was, I  didn't read fast. I took in and read every single word. It was a slow process but I still read and devoured these novels. But because I lacked speed I was put in with the slow readers. Forced to drudge my way through books for babies. They held no interest for me so I had trouble with them.
That was when I first learned that I was stupid.
I remember waiting as the bell rang in the morning and the teacher coming to class. Wondering what their mood was going to be like that day. Were they going to be happy and it would be less terror or were they in a bad mood. Were we about to wear what ever had happened to them the night before
That was when I learned I was controlled by the random moods of others.

update

So, we met. Spent a night together.
My daughter came too, instant friends with her daughter.
I have to do my best not to be clingy but I want to spend time with her. Hang out or do stuff. Whatever. But I know I can't push too much. The more I hold on the more it will push her away. It happened like that before.

And the biggest of them all. Do I dare hope? Because when I hope and it gets crushed it hurts. Really, really hurts.

dreams

I dreamed I had found a new job that would have perfectly suited my wife and I, my wife was still alive and her cancer was almost completely healed. 

Then I realized she wasn't. She had died and it was little more than my imagination. 

Those dreams suck. 

Then another dream, another job offer from friends of the family who would treat me kindly and it would be a nice stress free job. I needed to pick my daughter up from school before rushing to meet them, the job was mine all I had to do is get there with my daughter on time. I rush to the school and the teacher has decided to hold the entire class in. I can't wait so I go into the class ant explain I need my daughter now. Teacher refuses to let her go. I'm not wearing it.  I start recording with my phone and then state collective punishment of a group for the actions of an individual is illegal under UN mandate,. Also because my daughter is being held against her will outside of school ours it's now amounting to kidnapping on top. Teacher is getting mad, I'm stating it's my first warning. 

I'm feeling sorry for the teacher but I need my daughter. So I'm stating that this is my second warning and I will be removing my daughter. 

I'm feeling totally calm as I state for the 3rd and final time I will now be removing my daughter and reminding the teacher that I now have the right under new Zealand law to use any reasonable force to do so. 

Dream suddenly stopped there. 

Very odd considering my daughter is homeschooled. 

There for so many

I'm looking at the people I'm talking to this morning. One I helped out of an abusive relationship and I to a kind loving one. 

Another got out of the abuse when her partner killed himself. 

Another I'm helping to show kindness to after she spent 27 years with a narcissist husband after a rough childhood.

Then I'm reading a piece about people with BPD who push away those close to them, they break relationships if they go too well. I think of the girl I was looking out for who got mad and stormed off cutting all ties and blocking me. I still like her and worry about her. 

I think about the people who I help through my Facebook page. 2,900 followers and counting.

.

But who is there to give me what I need? Who is there to hug me in the morning, to be there when the nightmares are too mean? And they are often too mean. 

.

It's a lonely life even when it's full of people. 

A response to not being able to trust

I am sitting here musing on what you have said.
I want to say you can trust me, but that's just words.
I think of the book Polli wrote on toxic relationships and the kind things she said about me.
I think of introducing you to exes who will tell you I am an idiot, but a good person.
I think of introducing you to a woman who I helped extract from an abusive relationship and watched as she bloomed into a new relationship, (come to think of it more than one).
But I know your hurt runs deep. And all they can give you also are just words.
So I won't do any of that. Maybe something will happen one day. Maybe it won't.
So here is the best I can offer right now. I accept you for who you are. I accept that I am not and cannot be who you want or need me to be. I am me, full of flaws and my own set of issues, I will not hide that fact.  If friends are all we can be then I will accept that.
You are a neat person. And will be a good friend I hope. I WILL mess up. I WILL get things wrong. When I do, please tell me so (preferably gently) so that I may learn. It's ok to say "you are being a dick".
Oh, and thank you for being you. :)

Low self esteem

There is an advantage to low self esteem.

When you get rejected you were kind of ready for it. You felt like you wouldn't be good enough from the outset.
What you do lose is that hope. The hope that maybe you wouldn't be alone. That hope that you would get to wake up beside a special person one day. The road trips, the shopping together, the meals, yes, the sex too. Just all those together things.
Gone.

Dumped

She dumped me. Before we even met. She said problems at her end, she wasn't ready.
Lies, but kind of her to do so.

Alone again. Naturally.