Fought and lost

Dreams

So, last night I dreamed I met someone. She was nice, pretty good looking too. We instantly hit it off. But, we were both patients in hospice.

The elation of meeting someone and the despair of time being so limited.

Wow. Crap day.

Haven't even felt like posting on here lately.

Today was one hell of a day.

Woman over the road lost her husband to cancer on Saturday. She came over to let me know and broke down. I had trouble holding it together myself.

Dead bird on kitchen floor. Blood and feathers. Fucking cats.

Guy I have been helping with cancer has decided to give up. His choice, but still sucks.

The pie I got for lunch fell apart when I tried to eat it. Gave up and chucked it out the window. Burnt my fingers and got pie on my jacket.

Had to go to Dr today. I think I may have cancer in my spine. Now I have to go to the hospital where they killed my wife for tests. Just the thought of it is triggering my PTSD.

Fuck the world.

In a rut.

I'm stuck. I can't get out.

Ever since the garden melt down 3 days ago. I 'm just down. Can't get motivated. I go out there and do nothing. I wan't hugs. So lame and I feel dumb. But that's all I wan't. To hold onto a caring human and not let go for a while.

I miss my wife so badly right now. I'm falling apart and there is no one. No one there for me. So alone.

The garden

It's spring over here, I went out to do some work in the garden. Sat down out there and it felt pointless. There was no one to do it for. Went inside and had a nap. Some days I feel very, very alone.

Depression

Just watched a video on depression, It came down to the guy saying its not chemicals, its simply unmet needs.

Is my depression unmet needs? Possibly. Or is it a refusal to change my thinking? Also possible.

But what If I don't want to change. What If I don't want to be alone? Why is that so wrong?

People who don't accept things are the ones who achieve what they want.

Maybe I don't have a choice though. So how do I accept being alone when everything is fighting against it?

Drunk ramblings

All these people who say they don't want someone with baggage. That's shallow bullshit. The ones with the deepest scars have lived the hardest, they have loved the most. They have risked, endured and lost more. That's what makes them beautiful. Who wants some shallow relationship? Show me someone deep, who has experienced the deepest of loss, who has endured heart wrenching pain. Let me explore your valleys of pain, run my hands over your beautiful scars, the marks of your journey. Show me your true depths. There is a beauty in that honest, true beauty. There is a true, real person, worthy and capable of genuine love.
You are not a victim, you are a veteran, a warrior. Lift your head and stand proud. You are still here, still fighting, despite the pain, despite the anguish you get up every day (or at least some days) and you carry on, despite being battle weary and physical or mental exhaustion. To you out there, you have my absolute admiration. You are awesome. Keep on being you. Please don't water yourself down for the world. Your scars, your pain, each mark is a part of your journey. You are glorious.

2 years

I'm sitting here the night before the 2nd anniversary of my wife's death thinking I should write something.

I have nothing. I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Drops mic.

Heart

Guilt

Sit down and shut up.

This.........

Sit down. 

And shut up.

Serious question:  Is your spouse six feet under?  Oh wait, are they a pile of ashes?

No?

They aren’t?

Wow.

Ok.

Cool.

Then, sit down.

And shut up.

My wife’s name was Michelle.  She’s gone.

Once a widow.  Always a widow.

Once a widower.  Always a widower.

No, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.

No, this isn’t even an angry post.

This is an honest post.

This is a passionate post.

This is a real post.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Unless you watched your spouse die.  Unless you buried your spouse. Unless you burned your spouse.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be living.

Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be acting.

And please, for the love of all that is right in this world, PLEASE – do NOT tell a widow or widower when they should try to love again.

I am  sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to pick up the pieces of their lives.

I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to find companionship again.  For trying to find love again.

Hell, for trying to find ANYTHING again!

We are lost souls. On a journey to find our self again.

And YOU want to judge?

You?

Do you know the courage it takes to go back out there after your spouse has died?

After you watched them die of cancer.  Or a massive heart attack.  Or suicide. 

After you watched them fall to sixty pounds.  Having bowel movements on themselves.  Having horrific hallucinations so bad that seeing them like that strangled your soul.

After you watched them fall to their knees.  And clutch their chest. And take their last breath.

After you walked in on their body.  Dead.  Because they took their own life.

You have no idea.

Do you have any idea how badly the loss of a spouse messes with your mind?  With your heart?  With your soul?

No.  You don’t.

So sit down.

And shut up.

You are not allowed to judge.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you drive home to your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you eat dinner with your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you cuddle up on the couch with your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you have sexy time with your spouse.

You.  Are.  Not.  Allowed.  To. Pass.  Judgment.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Stop judging.

Stop thinking that you know what the hell you are talking about.

Because you do not.

Your life wasn’t ripped from you.

Your future wasn’t destroyed.

Sit down.

And shut up.

This was not our choice.

This was not a breakup.  Stop comparing.

This was not a divorce.  Stop comparing.

This was not the loss of a grandpa. Stop comparing.

This was not the loss of Uncle Thomas.  Stop comparing.

And for Heaven’s sake, this was NOT the loss of your damn CAT. Stop comparing!

This was the loss of a  soul mate.

Our love.

Our other half.

Our life.

Our future.

Sit down.

And shut up.

The next time you see a widow or widower try to pick themselves off, dust themselves off and ‘get back out there’. 

You have 2 choices.

You can either sit down and shut up.

Or,

You can give them a standing ovation.

For their heart.  For their courage. For their bravery.

Those are your two options.

And your ONLY two options.

Because. You. Do. Not. Know.

 – Rant.  Over. –

Mic Drop.

 © Copyright 2017 John Polo

Mocking my depression

So, I have been trying to take control of my depression, learning about triggers, about how parts of my diet set me off so I can avoid those foods (it's foods I liked of course), getting out and walking the dog, gardening and just trying to be positive. Sometimes winning, sometimes losing. But trying.
Then my not girlfriend who has dumped me again posts a thing on Facebook saying you know who and mocking my depression.
I apologise for my depression and for not being what she needed and so she gets shitty with me. She toned it down a bit later.
I don't know. I just don't know. You try to lift yourself up but there are always people trying to drag you back down.

Bottle it up

Bottle up the pain. Push it in, lock it away. No one wants to know about it.

And repeat....

The cancer ambassador

Someone from the pagan festival days and who I have known off and on for years, her partner has got cancer. I have sent her a ton of info on facebook and today I visited them, they have moved close by to be with his family. I went through the info I have.

It hurts, deeply hurts, because I have to drag up the memories of what I went through with my wife. The pain and PTSD triggers are still there. Not that I let it show. They need help and I will tear myself to pieces to ensure they have it. I hope to all hope that it will be enough, that they do not have to endure what I had to go through. 

If they manage it, the victory will be bittersweet. Knowing I was right, that I can reverse cancer, even when its deep, and the elation of knowing they don't have to go through the pain. But knowing that I could have saved my wife and failed.
If I fail, then I am left to wonder about the trust they have put in me. But I must, and will try. They know there is a chance of losing, I spoke about wills and burial etc, they have been thinking about it. 

She called me a cancer ambassador.

I need to sleep, I hope I can. 

Introvert bliss

Today a woman came around with her laptop for me to fix. She sat beside me on the sofa and I gave her a book to read while I repaired her laptop. It was my kind of company. Together with someone each doing our thing. Although some hugs would have made it awesomely ultimate.

Is there something wrong with me?

Probably.

Alone again

Little catch up. Last week my not girlfriend left me again. 1 year after she did the same thing. Apparently it was my fault. I didn't communicate properly and my negativity drags her down.

Shes right of course. I never want her to feel trapped, so I let her go. We still talk, although I am careful to keep my low thoughts to myself now.

It can no longer be a relationship. Because it's false. I am not able to be me.

This.

Searching

Tonight I am searching in the wrong place for something I cannot find.
I am doing so because I do not know what I am looking for, so how can I look in the right place?
So I search. Knowing I cannot find what I am looking for. I'm sure I need to find it. How do I find something when I don't know what it is let alone where it is.
Truly lost in a land of confusion.

How do I accept being alone

There has to be a way. I see all these people revelling in being alone. Why do I have so much trouble? It's happened a few times, fleeting moments where I have felt ok with it, but it doesn't last.
I've tried all sorts of things from drugs to affirmations. Nothing works.

MSM supplement

So, in my quest to find a way to deal with my rheumatoid arthritis I took MSM supplement. I have to admit, my joints have improved. But after almost a week a massive headache has set in. I looked online and there are so many people with headaches from it. And now it looks like I have a few days off it before it passes.

Sigh.

I'm trying

Look. I'm trying, ok? I know depressed is not good. I know 2 years of depression is bad. Very, very bad.
I don't want to be like this, I'm trying to climb out of the black hole..... Just can't seem to shake it off.
Still the thoughts remain. I don't want to be here.

Something is wrong

Something is wrong with our world.

"According to the Mental Health Foundation one in six New Zealanders will experience a depressive disorder and the World Health Organisation estimates that by the year 2020 depression will be the second most common cause of ill health and premature death worldwide."

Blood

When my wife's tumor fungated we found ourselves dealing with a lot of blood. It would bleed at inopportune moments, not that there is a good time to bleed. After she died it took months to get all the blood out of the house. Parts of the bathroom I actually had to remove before it was gone.
When I come under too much stress I start to bleed out of my nose. It's been a couple of years since I had a bad one. But tonight it really opened up. It took some time in the bathroom waiting for it to stop. Then I had to clean it up. Half of the clean up was automatic. I have cleaned up so much blood. But it took me back to some dark times.
.
This time I'm doing it alone.

St Johns wort update

Nightmares have started already after only one night of taking st John's wort. I still feel so low.

St John's wort

I started taking st John's wort again. I stopped because it was giving me terrible nightmares. Right now I'm thinking the nightmares would be better than the depression.

Oh to park my car up, run a hose into it from the exhaust and drift off to sleep and never wake up again. A forever rest. Bliss.

Shit on top of shit on top of shit

So, I've been staying away from here, complaining didn't seem to be helping. I dont know.
Anyways, it's tax time. Somehow despite earning even less I have to pay more.  I don't know where the money will come from.
I get a letter from Work and income. I have to prove my daughter still needs her disability payments or they are gonna cut it off. Here's hoping I get someone nice or I'm out of pocket there too.
My not girlfriend is too busy with her life so I don't see much of her, every 2 to 4 weeks for one evening if I'm lucky.

Life is a big ball of shit still. I seriously don't want to be here. Oh and my reason for being. My daughter is going through a defiant stage where she hates helping at all and generally spends her time hating me.

Saving others when I couldn't save her. A bitter pill.

I heard back from the person who's husband was stage IV cancer. I spent time with them and explained all of my research and they decided to follow it. 6 months have passed and hes doing well. His tumors are shrinking. Slowly, but they are shrinking. It would have worked on my wife too. I know it.

I am a good person. I help others. So often I help others, yet the world constantly works against me. It shoves me down over and over and over. Its getting to the point where I don't want to stand up again.

Karma is bullshit. Good does not return good.

My wish

My wish is not for fame, it's not to be recognized as furthering humanity or leaving a lasting legacy.

It used to be but not now. Not anymore.

My wish is to live a quiet nothing life. I want to be comfortable. I don't need the lastest car, I don't need a mansion. I just want to live a quiet life away from stress.

It seems that is not to be :(

Fear of Death.

All these people desperate to live. Why? Do you all fear death? From the Christians to the Atheists and all in between. Fascinating that you do when you consider that the atheists think that when you die, then nothing. The Christians think they will have eternal salvation in heaven. So why the need to live for as long as you can.

I have made peace with my death. 7 years, when my daughter is old enough to no longer need me. My body is deteriorating, the pain is creeping in a lot more now. I'll be in a wheelchair eventually, its coming.
She is the last promise I need to fulfil and then I can go.

I am not fearing death, I welcome and embrace it. A final rest.

Friday night

I used to love Friday night. I would sit down with my wife and spend the evening watching TV. I know it doesn't sound exciting but I loved those nights. No work. I always put it aside. Just time together.

My not girlfriend said she was coming tonight. But then she couldn't. Again. She can't come a lot after saying she is coming.

Women are confusing. I don't understand them.

I need to learn to be alone. I'm working on it. Still got a way to go.

One less reason to be here I guess.

Relay 4 Life :(

I, fucking, loathe, relay, 4, life!!!!


What a fucking crock!!!!! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!! I walked 15km for relay for life!!!!
Whoopdy fucking shit. You walked circles to make yourself feel better. If you want to make a difference find someone with cancer, go do their housework or gardening, cook a meal, look after their kids for a bit, or even sit with them and keep them company. Not walk around a fucking track you stupid twat! You aren't helping. "oh I'm raising money for cancer" I hear them say. No. You are raising money to pay a bunch of executives their salaries.

Nooo you say, its going to research. 10%, 10% goes to research, which is given primarily to the large pharmaceutical companies who don't really need it in the first place. Its a token payment so they look good.

Seriously, go help people with cancer not the big so called charities.

I give up

This whole wanting someone to stop the loneliness.

Its not going to happen. Women have become too complicated.

If you are an asshole then you are a bad person
If you are a nice guy you are trying to trap them and so just as bad if not worse than an asshole.

If you don't show emotion then you are bad for being distant.
If you show emotion then you are reveling in being a victim.


I give. OK? You all win. Alone is easier.

Teeth

My teeth are stuffed. A lot have fallen out the remaining ones are not good. To get it fixed I have to put my life in the hands of the people who killed my wife. And go into more debt. And endure more pain.

One of my teeth has become sensitive to hot and cold. I'm hoping it will come right. Brushing with sensodyne toothpaste. I suspect it's not going to. But still wishing it will.

I hate my life. I want to die.

Just all around shitty

So after a depression filled weekend and a depression filled week I have a shitty difficult afternoon at work, then my daughter wrecks her mouse doing what I told her not to do and when I'm explaining it to my not girlfriend she basically tells me I'm a shitty parent.

Fuck the world. I don't want to be here any more.

Insomnia and nightmares

I don't know what's worse, awake from 3am for a few hours worrying about my job and money or the brutal nightmare I had when I finally fell asleep.

My life has no meaning, no purpose apart from my daughter. If she wasn't on the scene I could end it.

Stupid day

Today I had to go to my not girlfriends place to stand there so a builder would stop being a twat. It stresses me out being in those situations. Once I got back I decided to have lunch and calm down ready for work. As I sat and ate I looked in Facebook only to find it had been one year since I met with the hospital over them killing my wife.

Hard stressful day.

My body is braking down. It hurts and fails in so many way.

Sick of it all.

Alone again... Naturally.

I want someone to hold.

My not girlfriend is busy with a project, I was going to take the day off tomorrow and visit but she's made it clear she's busy working on her project and she has friends coming.
She told me really late afternoon was possibly ok but I knew she didn't want me there.
Maybe briefly on Saturday as she passes through she thinks.

I'm sick, my body is also causing me a lot of pain. I thought of my daughter sleeping in her bed. Reminded myself that was why I was staying alive.
Pity. Tonight feels like a good night to die.

Too tired too much

I'm so tired from my daughter's last nights sickness and from my own.

I'm crashing. I can feel it. Don't know how to stop it. Gotta carry on. Don't want to.

I hate my life. I hate the loneliness, I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression.

I hope it ends soon.

A legacy

"I want a baby" says my wife. "I want to leave a legacy behind", she says.
So here I am 5am on the first night I have been able to sleep in 5 days due to my own illness changing sheets after laying baking soda on the legacy's mattress. Hopefully that's going to be it. Poo is only slightly better than vomit.
I'm so tired. I'll try and get up at 6am to put her sheets in the dryer just in case we need another change.
The universe finds new ways to break me. I'm so so tired.

Flashbacks

I posted this on Facebook. I should probably delete it.

I don't often talk about this openly. But I had a bit of a flashback tonight after reading a letter to the editor about violence in the hospital.

I remember the night the surgeon made the call to let polli die. He starved and dehydrated her for 2 days while a violent infection raged in her body. Making her nill by mouth and then cancelling the surgery because she was too weak. Terminal patients are second class in the hospital system.

I remember the nurse on duty coming in to break the news to us. I was exhausted. My blood pressure was so high my nose was bleeding every day. I just sat down. Defeated.

But I remember the nurse looking at me, I think she was almost crying. I remember she said to me, "I don't know how you are doing it. If it was me I would be chucking furniture around the room".

Dear facebookians I did something that I'm not proud of. I settled polli for an hour or so. And then I walked out of the hospital for the night. I should have stayed with her. But that was the one time in all that saga where I was quietly restraining massive anger. I had to leave her there on her own. Because one wrong word from anyone and I would have erupted. Polli knew why I needed to go and she understood. She still believed at the time she could win.

Sometimes our memories are not so kind. Sometimes small things take us right back to them.

Been a hard night tonight. I know you all only want to hear the good things in my life. I get reminded of that. Sorry for this post and sorry for failing you Polli. I paid the ultimate price and so did you.

I need to sleep. Maybe I can get some escape in there.

Overloaded

I'm tired. My chronic fatigue is hitting. Over stressed from work. And depressed.  Headaches are getting nasty. Back is not improving.

So lonely.

Valentine's day

I miss having someone to make a fuss over on Valentine's. She would tell me it was crass commercialism but loved the flowers and dinner all the same.

My not girlfriends friends

I don't know what they have against me. They haven't even met me in person. But every time they get together they niggle and needle till she comes out wondering if I am a terrible thing to be around.


Maybe I am. :( Maybe I deserve nothing more than to be alone. Couldn't even save my wife when it came down to the wire.

Stupid, I'm stupid, and ugly and a dick.

Maybe I should be alone.

Overloaded

Its the busiest time of year for me, 2 weeks of insanity while a lot of people clamour for my time all expecting their thing to be more important than everyone else.

It shows me I can't work full time. I wonder if they new it wipes me out if they would have more sympaty. Probably not, they would still want their stuff done first.

Birthdays

Well, here it is. My birthday. Might try and drag my daughter off her pc and go to lunch.

My not girlfriend contacted me last night to remind me I should be finding someone else.

Lifes a bunch of suck sometimes.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday my wife.

You are free now, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurt.

I'm jealous. I don't want to be here.

I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression. I don't want any of it. A promise is a promise. I'm here to look after my daughter.



I wish I could go somewhere and hide for the day. But I have to work. Somehow.

Down

My body hates me. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I live in pain and slowly it's getting worse. I have other medical issues that causes more pain.

I can't work full time. I'm not bringing in enough money.

I'm depressed.

I'm lonely so much.

I'm a nice person. I'm one of the good guys. So why do so many shitty things happen to me?

Can I leave now? I want to. But I have to look after my daughter.

2am. I better sleep.

PTSD triggers

Was reminded of a terrible medical oncologist today. Instant trigger into depression. I was already bordering there but keeping on the upside mainly.

Will I ever get to the point where those memories won't send me spiraling.

Heat, fatigue and depression

Its summer, Its hot, real hot. I'm not getting a lot of sleep.


I have been down for so many days on end. Normally with depression you can manage to pop your head up and take a breath. This time I can't shake it. Not reaching out this time. No point, asking for help just gets me shot down and people distance themselves from me even further.

Rules when you are a guy

1. No one wants to know when you are in pain.

2. No one wants to know when you are depressed

3. If anyone tells you they care then re read rules 1 and 2.