I see they deleted your facebook page today Kirsti.
You were a good friend. Messed up, but good.
I'll miss our 2am screams and rants about life.
I hope you are in a better place.
I'll be there mental health posts
I fucking hate it when people post those bullshit fucking I'll be there if you need me mental health posts.
I want to respond and say you fucking piece of shit liar. When I was there on facebook asking for help and melting down. Where the fuck were you? I know where the fuck you weren't.
I want to respond and say you fucking piece of shit liar. When I was there on facebook asking for help and melting down. Where the fuck were you? I know where the fuck you weren't.
out of place
I feel out of place tonight. Where life just builds up. All that shit from your past is threatening to fall out of the closet you have been sweeping it into.
I feel like one of those dogs in a shelter, cowering in a corner after a lifetime of crap. Hoping for love but wondering if you care anymore.
I just want to scream leave me alone at the universe, while secretly hoping someone won't.
Saw a Facebook pace today of people in loving relationships. I was stunned. I didn't think they existed anymore. It was like a forgotten world.
My life is not where I want it to be. But I'm lost and I can't find a way out of it.
Help me, I'm drowning.
Random shit rambling.
I don't know. I just don't know.
Aspergers
They call it Aspergers, Or High functioning autism, or simply autistic, or neurodivergent.
Call it what you like. I am different. I am not normal. I see the world in ways others cannot.
And I don't like what I see. Its full of fear, and hate, and greed.
It's full of bullshit games and power struggles. I see the world for what it really is.
But I am the outcast. The weirdo. The one who is wrong.
Call it what you like. I am different. I am not normal. I see the world in ways others cannot.
And I don't like what I see. Its full of fear, and hate, and greed.
It's full of bullshit games and power struggles. I see the world for what it really is.
But I am the outcast. The weirdo. The one who is wrong.
Older
I miss that..... naivety.
When I believed everyone was inherently good.
Then when I believed that there were some who weren't good but the good always won.
Then when I believed that if you were diligent you could keep away from the bad ones.
Then when I believed that at least those in power would help the people
Then when I believed that those who's job it was to protect or heal would do all they could to do that.
Then when I believed love could conquer all.
Now I know and have experienced too much.
Now I don't think I believe in much of anything.
When I believed everyone was inherently good.
Then when I believed that there were some who weren't good but the good always won.
Then when I believed that if you were diligent you could keep away from the bad ones.
Then when I believed that at least those in power would help the people
Then when I believed that those who's job it was to protect or heal would do all they could to do that.
Then when I believed love could conquer all.
Now I know and have experienced too much.
Now I don't think I believe in much of anything.
the ultimate mask
Everyone thinks I'm getting my shit together. That I'm doing so well.
It's a lie. I feel like I'm gunning the engines full speed into a massive Trainwreck.
I feel so alone.
I don't want this pain.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Times change things end
Today the old trampoline was taken away. The mat was stuffed, the pads had dissolved and the springs had rusted. The swingset was long busted and they took that too.
I went back up the back of the property this evening. I sat on the remains of a seat I had made for my wife (it too is dissolving). I haven't sat there for some time. She used to sit there while our daughter played on the trampoline or swings. It had a small shade canopy, sometimes she would lay down and doze.
I became overwhelmed for a while. My eyes tried to leak. Sometimes I wish I could go back to simpler times. Back when I had ambitions. When I had a family who I loved and who loved me back.
My daughter didn't even look when they were taken away. She was too busy playing computer games.
And my wife, well, shes been dead 3 years now.
Everything comes to an end. Everything. If its a good thing I hope it lasts. If its bad, I hope it ends quickly for you.
Life is short. Cherish the good, move on from the bad.
And please. Everyone. Just be kind to each other, ok?
I went back up the back of the property this evening. I sat on the remains of a seat I had made for my wife (it too is dissolving). I haven't sat there for some time. She used to sit there while our daughter played on the trampoline or swings. It had a small shade canopy, sometimes she would lay down and doze.
I became overwhelmed for a while. My eyes tried to leak. Sometimes I wish I could go back to simpler times. Back when I had ambitions. When I had a family who I loved and who loved me back.
My daughter didn't even look when they were taken away. She was too busy playing computer games.
And my wife, well, shes been dead 3 years now.
Everything comes to an end. Everything. If its a good thing I hope it lasts. If its bad, I hope it ends quickly for you.
Life is short. Cherish the good, move on from the bad.
And please. Everyone. Just be kind to each other, ok?
2 am in the bathroom
We bought our first house together, It wasn't much, but hey, it was ours.
A few days after moving in I woke up at around 2am and noticed the other side of the bed was empty. I stroll out to use the toilet and there she is, in the bathroom.
"What are you doing" I asked, in that state where I didn't want to wake all the way up.
"The carpet in here is disgusting, and who the hell carpets a bathroom"? She said, half annoyed. I know the other half of her wasn't annoyed. She had the first house she could call hers and if she wanted to rip carpet out at 2 am then no one was going to stop her.
I chuckled a bit. "Try not to stay up all night ok"? She grinned, along with a determined look. "I'll be there soon" she said.
She was neat.
A few days after moving in I woke up at around 2am and noticed the other side of the bed was empty. I stroll out to use the toilet and there she is, in the bathroom.
"What are you doing" I asked, in that state where I didn't want to wake all the way up.
"The carpet in here is disgusting, and who the hell carpets a bathroom"? She said, half annoyed. I know the other half of her wasn't annoyed. She had the first house she could call hers and if she wanted to rip carpet out at 2 am then no one was going to stop her.
I chuckled a bit. "Try not to stay up all night ok"? She grinned, along with a determined look. "I'll be there soon" she said.
She was neat.
Saturday morning
7 am Saturday morning. I would roll over, put my arm around her and whisper those magic words into her ear.
"Hey, its Saturday morning, there's a 50 in my wallet, wanna go yard saleing?"
A grin would spread across her lips, she would dreamily roll over, the smile would grow as she opened her eyes, still partly asleep. "Yeah" she would dreamily say.
I would slip out of bed, feed animals, and get things sorted while she got herself up and found something to pull on.
I was never a fan of the things. But the grin on her face when she came away loaded with some bargain she had discovered. Oh, that smile was perfection.
There really is something magical about the smile of a woman.
"Hey, its Saturday morning, there's a 50 in my wallet, wanna go yard saleing?"
A grin would spread across her lips, she would dreamily roll over, the smile would grow as she opened her eyes, still partly asleep. "Yeah" she would dreamily say.
I would slip out of bed, feed animals, and get things sorted while she got herself up and found something to pull on.
I was never a fan of the things. But the grin on her face when she came away loaded with some bargain she had discovered. Oh, that smile was perfection.
There really is something magical about the smile of a woman.
Drunk, happy women.
Drunk, happy women are awesome.
It's 2 am and the 2 of you are in bed talking shit, and she announces she's hungry. Really, really hungry. So you slip out of her bed, slip on her dressing gown (women's dressing gowns are always so soft and silky) and wander out to the kitchen, find some cheese and ham in the fridge, some bread in the pantry. You make her a sandwich, it's not brilliant because its 2am and you have had a couple of beers too. You take it back to bed and shes there eating this sandwich telling you its the best shes ever had. And she's being honest. You know shes had better, but right then she's just happy and loving a sandwich and it's the best. Those are the good times.
It's 2 am and the 2 of you are in bed talking shit, and she announces she's hungry. Really, really hungry. So you slip out of her bed, slip on her dressing gown (women's dressing gowns are always so soft and silky) and wander out to the kitchen, find some cheese and ham in the fridge, some bread in the pantry. You make her a sandwich, it's not brilliant because its 2am and you have had a couple of beers too. You take it back to bed and shes there eating this sandwich telling you its the best shes ever had. And she's being honest. You know shes had better, but right then she's just happy and loving a sandwich and it's the best. Those are the good times.
World Cancer day
So I see we have a world cancer day.
Random memory.
I wished I would get terminal cancer when I was a young teen. Yes, it was death. But at lest I would be noticed and cared about for a bit.
I always felt so alone.
Random memory.
I wished I would get terminal cancer when I was a young teen. Yes, it was death. But at lest I would be noticed and cared about for a bit.
I always felt so alone.
Falling apart.
I have been falling apart. No one has noticed. Am I that good at hiding it? Or does no one care?
I get it
I get it. Really, I get it.
Sometimes this world gets to be too much.
It wears you down.
It breaks you.
It just becomes too much.
You want the pain to go.
You want it to go away. All of it.
There isn't much I can say.
Except.... I'm glad you are still here.
Sometimes this world gets to be too much.
It wears you down.
It breaks you.
It just becomes too much.
You want the pain to go.
You want it to go away. All of it.
There isn't much I can say.
Except.... I'm glad you are still here.
A birthday that isn't
She would have been 53 today. There would have been cake, a road trip to some new destination. Favorite foods, a nice time. By now we would be sitting at home enjoying a movie after a big day.
They say all good things must come to an end. You never know how much that can ring true until it happens. Happy birthday to my late wife. I raise a beer in your name. I trust you are flying proud still, causing havoc somewhere.
I miss your laugh right now.
They say all good things must come to an end. You never know how much that can ring true until it happens. Happy birthday to my late wife. I raise a beer in your name. I trust you are flying proud still, causing havoc somewhere.
I miss your laugh right now.
what did I do?
What have I done to deserve this? This empty life of mine. The physical and emotional pain. Please, enough. Make it stop.
I see it
I see all the people playing their stupid games. I see the patterns, how they move and dance their dances. Sometimes I wish to join them, dance alongside them. But I just can't quite match their rhythm. I don't like it anyway. So I say against the wall.
Alone.
Alone.
Weird times
Sometimes I get this odd feeling. Like reality isn't quite real. Like I am on the verge of popping out of this into something else.
It's rather disconcerting when it happens.
It's rather disconcerting when it happens.
last night
Last night was bad. I was so down. Tried reaching out for help.
2 went to bed.
1 told me to get therapy.
I gave up after that.
Good reminder, when it comes down to it I am alone.
feeling deeply
It costs me so much to feel like this. Every little thing from touch to sound to emotion is amplified. I cannot wear certain types of clothing because I cannot tolerate it's feel. I cannot go to a rock concert, the sound would push me to breaking point. Some foods are too much.
When I love, I love too hard. I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel loved. Because when I get that back. I feel that too. So much I feel it, it's the best thing in the world. But when I get hurt. There is too much pain.
One day I hope to find a gentle person one who will enjoy my kindness and caring. And simply be kind back.
still trying and failing
Took my daughter on a day trip today.
Told the I would be happy to take her and her kids. But I knew she wasn't going to be up for it and that was ok.
Wrong thing to say apparently.
Now I am a terrible person who puts too much pressure on.
Asked my female friend. She said she's probably not going to want to talk to me again.
I don't understand humans. I feel so out of place.
I don't want to be on this planet any more. I don't think I belong here.
School
School. The place where so many of my issues came from.
People say you look back on your school days as the best days of your life. Fucking bullshit. Those were the worst days. I have been through some shit storms in my life but school was 11 years of continuous terror. I relate to women who have been in narcissistic relationships, not because I have been in one but because I was trapped in a hell called school. And there was no way out of the daily terror.
I remember my first day at school. 41 years ago was my first day, aged 5. My mother taking me there and leaving me alone. In a room full of strangers. I remember the abject fear. The teacher was kind to me on that day. That was at least something. I did not know a single person in that entire school.
That was my introduction to feeling alone.
Corporal punishment was in. There was no permission required from parents and no need to notify them either. They could assault and humiliate you in any way they wanted and it was ok. They had one teacher who dealt out all the punishment. He was a brutal, sadistic fuck who reveled in his job. He had 2 favorites. A leather strap. He named it herbie. It was not a belt. This thing was custom built to inflict maximum pain upon its victim. His second one was a small wooden bat. He would put a massive x on it with chalk and belt you with it. On your ass. He would check you throughout the day and if the chalk came off he would do it again.
That was my introduction to making myself invisible.
I managed to avoid both of those punishments. It was years of walking on eggshells, never stepping out of line.
I only encountered him once on the wrong side of things. I had failed to complete some work. Just couldn't do it. I was sent off to see him. Knew I couldn't disobey, I couldn't run. That was a hard walk to his room with my books. He stood me up in front of his class of 30 kids and proceeded to scream at me while the kids laughed at me. I held myself together throughout the barrage. It wasn't until he suddenly smacked me on the head with my book that I broke.
That was my introduction to public humiliation.
Autistic and Asperger's didn't exist back then. You were just a weird misfit and there was no help class sizes were around 30 kids I think. I don't remember the exact number. It was loud. So loud every day, it was intolerable and excruciating and it didn't let up.
That's where I learned about inescapable psychological torture while not being able to articulate what was wrong.
I could read. I was reading full length novels at age 6, famous 5 was a favorite series, an escape from reality. The thing was, I didn't read fast. I took in and read every single word. It was a slow process but I still read and devoured these novels. But because I lacked speed I was put in with the slow readers. Forced to drudge my way through books for babies. They held no interest for me so I had trouble with them.
That was when I first learned that I was stupid.
I remember waiting as the bell rang in the morning and the teacher coming to class. Wondering what their mood was going to be like that day. Were they going to be happy and it would be less terror or were they in a bad mood. Were we about to wear what ever had happened to them the night before
That was when I learned I was controlled by the random moods of others.
People say you look back on your school days as the best days of your life. Fucking bullshit. Those were the worst days. I have been through some shit storms in my life but school was 11 years of continuous terror. I relate to women who have been in narcissistic relationships, not because I have been in one but because I was trapped in a hell called school. And there was no way out of the daily terror.
I remember my first day at school. 41 years ago was my first day, aged 5. My mother taking me there and leaving me alone. In a room full of strangers. I remember the abject fear. The teacher was kind to me on that day. That was at least something. I did not know a single person in that entire school.
That was my introduction to feeling alone.
Corporal punishment was in. There was no permission required from parents and no need to notify them either. They could assault and humiliate you in any way they wanted and it was ok. They had one teacher who dealt out all the punishment. He was a brutal, sadistic fuck who reveled in his job. He had 2 favorites. A leather strap. He named it herbie. It was not a belt. This thing was custom built to inflict maximum pain upon its victim. His second one was a small wooden bat. He would put a massive x on it with chalk and belt you with it. On your ass. He would check you throughout the day and if the chalk came off he would do it again.
That was my introduction to making myself invisible.
I managed to avoid both of those punishments. It was years of walking on eggshells, never stepping out of line.
I only encountered him once on the wrong side of things. I had failed to complete some work. Just couldn't do it. I was sent off to see him. Knew I couldn't disobey, I couldn't run. That was a hard walk to his room with my books. He stood me up in front of his class of 30 kids and proceeded to scream at me while the kids laughed at me. I held myself together throughout the barrage. It wasn't until he suddenly smacked me on the head with my book that I broke.
That was my introduction to public humiliation.
Autistic and Asperger's didn't exist back then. You were just a weird misfit and there was no help class sizes were around 30 kids I think. I don't remember the exact number. It was loud. So loud every day, it was intolerable and excruciating and it didn't let up.
That's where I learned about inescapable psychological torture while not being able to articulate what was wrong.
I could read. I was reading full length novels at age 6, famous 5 was a favorite series, an escape from reality. The thing was, I didn't read fast. I took in and read every single word. It was a slow process but I still read and devoured these novels. But because I lacked speed I was put in with the slow readers. Forced to drudge my way through books for babies. They held no interest for me so I had trouble with them.
That was when I first learned that I was stupid.
I remember waiting as the bell rang in the morning and the teacher coming to class. Wondering what their mood was going to be like that day. Were they going to be happy and it would be less terror or were they in a bad mood. Were we about to wear what ever had happened to them the night before
That was when I learned I was controlled by the random moods of others.
update
So, we met. Spent a night together.
My daughter came too, instant friends with her daughter.
I have to do my best not to be clingy but I want to spend time with her. Hang out or do stuff. Whatever. But I know I can't push too much. The more I hold on the more it will push her away. It happened like that before.
And the biggest of them all. Do I dare hope? Because when I hope and it gets crushed it hurts. Really, really hurts.
My daughter came too, instant friends with her daughter.
I have to do my best not to be clingy but I want to spend time with her. Hang out or do stuff. Whatever. But I know I can't push too much. The more I hold on the more it will push her away. It happened like that before.
And the biggest of them all. Do I dare hope? Because when I hope and it gets crushed it hurts. Really, really hurts.
dreams
I dreamed I had found a new job that would have perfectly suited my wife and I, my wife was still alive and her cancer was almost completely healed.
Then I realized she wasn't. She had died and it was little more than my imagination.
Those dreams suck.
Then another dream, another job offer from friends of the family who would treat me kindly and it would be a nice stress free job. I needed to pick my daughter up from school before rushing to meet them, the job was mine all I had to do is get there with my daughter on time. I rush to the school and the teacher has decided to hold the entire class in. I can't wait so I go into the class ant explain I need my daughter now. Teacher refuses to let her go. I'm not wearing it. I start recording with my phone and then state collective punishment of a group for the actions of an individual is illegal under UN mandate,. Also because my daughter is being held against her will outside of school ours it's now amounting to kidnapping on top. Teacher is getting mad, I'm stating it's my first warning.
I'm feeling sorry for the teacher but I need my daughter. So I'm stating that this is my second warning and I will be removing my daughter.
I'm feeling totally calm as I state for the 3rd and final time I will now be removing my daughter and reminding the teacher that I now have the right under new Zealand law to use any reasonable force to do so.
Dream suddenly stopped there.
Very odd considering my daughter is homeschooled.
There for so many
I'm looking at the people I'm talking to this morning. One I helped out of an abusive relationship and I to a kind loving one.
Another got out of the abuse when her partner killed himself.
Another I'm helping to show kindness to after she spent 27 years with a narcissist husband after a rough childhood.
Then I'm reading a piece about people with BPD who push away those close to them, they break relationships if they go too well. I think of the girl I was looking out for who got mad and stormed off cutting all ties and blocking me. I still like her and worry about her.
I think about the people who I help through my Facebook page. 2,900 followers and counting.
.
But who is there to give me what I need? Who is there to hug me in the morning, to be there when the nightmares are too mean? And they are often too mean.
.
It's a lonely life even when it's full of people.
A response to not being able to trust
I am sitting here musing on what you have said.
I want to say you can trust me, but that's just words.
I think of the book Polli wrote on toxic relationships and the kind things she said about me.
I think of introducing you to exes who will tell you I am an idiot, but a good person.
I think of introducing you to a woman who I helped extract from an abusive relationship and watched as she bloomed into a new relationship, (come to think of it more than one).
But I know your hurt runs deep. And all they can give you also are just words.
So I won't do any of that. Maybe something will happen one day. Maybe it won't.
So here is the best I can offer right now. I accept you for who you are. I accept that I am not and cannot be who you want or need me to be. I am me, full of flaws and my own set of issues, I will not hide that fact. If friends are all we can be then I will accept that.
You are a neat person. And will be a good friend I hope. I WILL mess up. I WILL get things wrong. When I do, please tell me so (preferably gently) so that I may learn. It's ok to say "you are being a dick".
Oh, and thank you for being you. :)
I want to say you can trust me, but that's just words.
I think of the book Polli wrote on toxic relationships and the kind things she said about me.
I think of introducing you to exes who will tell you I am an idiot, but a good person.
I think of introducing you to a woman who I helped extract from an abusive relationship and watched as she bloomed into a new relationship, (come to think of it more than one).
But I know your hurt runs deep. And all they can give you also are just words.
So I won't do any of that. Maybe something will happen one day. Maybe it won't.
So here is the best I can offer right now. I accept you for who you are. I accept that I am not and cannot be who you want or need me to be. I am me, full of flaws and my own set of issues, I will not hide that fact. If friends are all we can be then I will accept that.
You are a neat person. And will be a good friend I hope. I WILL mess up. I WILL get things wrong. When I do, please tell me so (preferably gently) so that I may learn. It's ok to say "you are being a dick".
Oh, and thank you for being you. :)
Low self esteem
There is an advantage to low self esteem.
When you get rejected you were kind of ready for it. You felt like you wouldn't be good enough from the outset.
What you do lose is that hope. The hope that maybe you wouldn't be alone. That hope that you would get to wake up beside a special person one day. The road trips, the shopping together, the meals, yes, the sex too. Just all those together things.
Gone.
When you get rejected you were kind of ready for it. You felt like you wouldn't be good enough from the outset.
What you do lose is that hope. The hope that maybe you wouldn't be alone. That hope that you would get to wake up beside a special person one day. The road trips, the shopping together, the meals, yes, the sex too. Just all those together things.
Gone.
Dumped
She dumped me. Before we even met. She said problems at her end, she wasn't ready.
Lies, but kind of her to do so.
Alone again. Naturally.
Lies, but kind of her to do so.
Alone again. Naturally.
Today
Today I reconnected with a woman who disappeared a couple months ago, shes resurfaced and is homeless, in the middle of winter. She couldn't say much, shes going to contact me again tomorrow. I worry about her.
Talked 2 women through anxiety meltdowns.
Quietly accepted a womans drunk text messages with humor, she just needs to blow off some steam.
I wonder what she will say in the morning when she looks.
All while feeling alone.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Talked 2 women through anxiety meltdowns.
Quietly accepted a womans drunk text messages with humor, she just needs to blow off some steam.
I wonder what she will say in the morning when she looks.
All while feeling alone.
Merry Christmas everyone.
2 world's
I see 2 world's. I live in a mortal realm. Where I live in pain, and hurt. Where it's inhabitants are filled with fear and anger. Where they will imprison you for growing a plant that can cure people.
Yet sometimes I see small pockets of light, compassion and love. It's often born from within hatred.
I see a second realm. Bordering the first. Where they look on with hope. Hope that those who are hurt can be changed into the ones who love. Is that our purpose? To get hurt until we come out with empathy?
No more begging
I told her today I didn't want to beg her to let me visit. So I would wait for her to ask me if she wanted.
Shes stopped talking to me now.
Alone again.... Naturally.
Shes stopped talking to me now.
Alone again.... Naturally.
Xmas Tree
A friend showed me a photo of her tree. Looks amazing and so many presents underneath.
Our tree has one present underneath. Now I feel like a useless father. :(
Our tree has one present underneath. Now I feel like a useless father. :(
Questions for santa
There was a Santa where we were visiting but the line was quite large. I told my daughter she could tell me what she wanted.
She asked for a new mom.
If anyone knows Santa, can you pass the message along? I wouldn't mind her having a new mom too.
The return of hope
More talking, afternoon tea at her place in a few days, a chance for her to heal.
Do I hope? Do I dare? Shes beautiful.
Can it work?
Always looking for that catch.
Do I hope? Do I dare? Shes beautiful.
Can it work?
Always looking for that catch.
The folly of hope.
6 days since I last wrote in here.
So someone found me. A train wreck I could roll with. Shes pretty. And Kind. And caring. And funny. I don't get why she likes me but she does. Bit by bit she broke down these walls.
I started to hope. Maybe things were going to work out. Maybe, just maybe. An opportunity happened, no daughter on Wednesday, the only time over the next 4 weeks. Lunch? She said yes.
Hopes were raising. She wouldn't be perfect but close enough to it. Some logistics with pets n kids. I'm overthinking already.
Then she cancels, sore throat, strep throat. I know dear reader, it's not her fault. But it knocked me. Life, life was falling into place, I could see it clicking. You know, maybe I could spend some of my xmas holiday with someone instead of feeling terribly alone.
I can see it starting to unravel.
Why, why do I think life will not be an endless piece of shit. How can it go right? That is a luxury for others. Not for this broken old man. Maybe I'm being saved from some embarrassment. Maybe she will take one look at me and run for it. I wouldn't blame her. I don't know why she hasn't already.
So someone found me. A train wreck I could roll with. Shes pretty. And Kind. And caring. And funny. I don't get why she likes me but she does. Bit by bit she broke down these walls.
I started to hope. Maybe things were going to work out. Maybe, just maybe. An opportunity happened, no daughter on Wednesday, the only time over the next 4 weeks. Lunch? She said yes.
Hopes were raising. She wouldn't be perfect but close enough to it. Some logistics with pets n kids. I'm overthinking already.
Then she cancels, sore throat, strep throat. I know dear reader, it's not her fault. But it knocked me. Life, life was falling into place, I could see it clicking. You know, maybe I could spend some of my xmas holiday with someone instead of feeling terribly alone.
I can see it starting to unravel.
Why, why do I think life will not be an endless piece of shit. How can it go right? That is a luxury for others. Not for this broken old man. Maybe I'm being saved from some embarrassment. Maybe she will take one look at me and run for it. I wouldn't blame her. I don't know why she hasn't already.
Why we rewrote christmas.
Christmas had not been good for many years. I used to work in retail. Christmas in retail was a horror. If you thought shopping was bad. We had to work 7 days a week from the start of December, there was no time off. Then the last days we had to work 8am until midnight. It was hectic and breaks were often missed. By the time christmas day rolled around I just wanted to sleep. That one day off before going in early to reprice the store for the boxing day sales. And of course everyone was angry and we as the frontline staff wore it. I did that for a number of years. So I already have a bit of an issue.
I managed to get out of retail before my daughter was born thankfully. Once I had a wife and daughter Christmas turned into a new hell. 2 families and friends to get around to. We wound up having to try to get to 6 places in one day.
all of them of course wanted us to be there for either lunch or dinner. So the arguments would start before Christmas because we could not do 6 meals in a day. People got angry. Then the ones we did see for the main meal we had to say, your allocated time is one hour, we will be here for that time please make sure the food is ready on time. It never was. It was almost always just being dished up when we had to leave. Packing a hungry screaming toddler into a car just as the food was about to come out was shit. That was the other thing every time my daughter was settled it was time to move again. She started to hate Christmas too.
So we tried alternating years between people. The pissed off people when we tried to do that. Sheesh. And those meals when we did go there. People who have been cooking for 2 days and were up at dawn to cook are often quite angry. And then it spreads to the others. The words from a Shrek Christmas thing "Christmas isn't Christmas until somebody cries", that rang true. My wife and I used to try and predict who would cry and who would make them cry, not the kids, but the adults.
One day I got a kidney infection and was too sick to go anywhere, I spent the day in intense pain and vomiting for hours. Afterwards I realised that was the best Christmas I had experienced in years. Wrong but true.
So I put my foot down. There was no pleasing everyone anyway. I was going to make them angry no matter what I did. So I simply said "I will not be going anywhere for Christmas" I refused to go out. We had food at home. Nothing extravagant, bread, some supermarket salads, supermarket ham etc. We said to people you are welcome to visit, stay if you want. It will be a relaxed day.
Yeah, lots of people got mad. But they were mad anyway. Shit happens. And now every Christmas we stay at home, we do not go out. It's a nice relaxed day. Some people visit and some don't and that's ok.
So there is our Christmas. Oh, and my daughter is happy with the day being like that too.
Cancer and the PTSD associated
Spent a few hours talking to a couple. He has cancer. Drs have said time to give up. Go home and die.
I know where they are at. Know how his wife feels.
They want to battle. Good on them. I'll help. Bunch of triggers facing having to give them the info they needed. Not as bad as I thought it would be. Not crippled by it. Maybe its because I'm already in a terrible place mentally. Already at rock bottom.
I know where they are at. Know how his wife feels.
They want to battle. Good on them. I'll help. Bunch of triggers facing having to give them the info they needed. Not as bad as I thought it would be. Not crippled by it. Maybe its because I'm already in a terrible place mentally. Already at rock bottom.
So far today
This morning
I have created a post that has been seen by over a thousand people in less than 2 hrs.
I have helped someone in a domestic violence situation get help. Also helped her to feel less alone.
I have helped 2 people make a connection, maybe something will come of it.
I have inspired and helped hundreds of people.
I have connected directly with a few as well.
I have offered words of encouragement and help to thousands.
All this morning.
Now I will leave and go to my job where they keep cutting my budget. I don't think I even make minimum wage anymore.
I have created a post that has been seen by over a thousand people in less than 2 hrs.
I have helped someone in a domestic violence situation get help. Also helped her to feel less alone.
I have helped 2 people make a connection, maybe something will come of it.
I have inspired and helped hundreds of people.
I have connected directly with a few as well.
I have offered words of encouragement and help to thousands.
All this morning.
Now I will leave and go to my job where they keep cutting my budget. I don't think I even make minimum wage anymore.
Another friend lost.
Oh Kirsti, I knew you were drinking a bit, I just didn't know how much.
Those 2 am nights when we would message each other to scream about the world. I will miss them. The world was too much for you. I understand. You had to drink until your brain stopped. Now its gone and not coming back. They say one day you may walk again, but your mind. Your mind is gone and will never return. You are an empty shell. I hope wherever your mind has gone its able to rest now.
Thank you for being crazy and screaming with me. I will miss you.
Those 2 am nights when we would message each other to scream about the world. I will miss them. The world was too much for you. I understand. You had to drink until your brain stopped. Now its gone and not coming back. They say one day you may walk again, but your mind. Your mind is gone and will never return. You are an empty shell. I hope wherever your mind has gone its able to rest now.
Thank you for being crazy and screaming with me. I will miss you.
Lonely Warrior
Lonely Warrior
He's weary, beaten down from years of hurt.
He never asked for this, never wanted it to be this way.
This is not how it was supposed to be, he had plans, ideas, hopes, dreams.... A life.
Then in a short time it was ripped away from him.
He lost the greatest battle. It bites and gnaws at him every day.
They call him brave this lonely warrior, they don't see the hurt, the pain dripping from his soul. He doesn't want this, never wanted it. He has no choice. He stands, grips his sword and moves forward. Not because he wants to, he does it because it's the right thing to do.
Time to move out. Friends are gone, all fallen by the wayside. He's one of the last.
One day, one day he will find that shield-maiden crazy enough to fight by his side once more, not yet. It's not his time for such bliss. He steps out once more into the darkness, carrying a small lantern to show others the way. Such is the lot, of the lonely warrior.
He's weary, beaten down from years of hurt.
He never asked for this, never wanted it to be this way.
This is not how it was supposed to be, he had plans, ideas, hopes, dreams.... A life.
Then in a short time it was ripped away from him.
He lost the greatest battle. It bites and gnaws at him every day.
They call him brave this lonely warrior, they don't see the hurt, the pain dripping from his soul. He doesn't want this, never wanted it. He has no choice. He stands, grips his sword and moves forward. Not because he wants to, he does it because it's the right thing to do.
Time to move out. Friends are gone, all fallen by the wayside. He's one of the last.
One day, one day he will find that shield-maiden crazy enough to fight by his side once more, not yet. It's not his time for such bliss. He steps out once more into the darkness, carrying a small lantern to show others the way. Such is the lot, of the lonely warrior.
Highlight of the week
Highlight of the week.
I hugged a woman. Felt nice. Don't think she was happy about it. Shes still talking to me so meh.
Lame huh? A hug was my highlight.
I hugged a woman. Felt nice. Don't think she was happy about it. Shes still talking to me so meh.
Lame huh? A hug was my highlight.
Unwanted
My not girlfriend/ ex/ best friend is off looking for a boyfriend. Sounds like shes found one. Tomorrow shes spending the whole day with him to see how well they get on.
Fucking hurts. But I have no right to hold her back. Gotta let her go. Gotta cheer her on. I'll wave and encourage her. Through my tears.
Knowing I wasn't good enough for her.
Fucking hurts. But I have no right to hold her back. Gotta let her go. Gotta cheer her on. I'll wave and encourage her. Through my tears.
Knowing I wasn't good enough for her.
I am a loser.
2 days of depression
2 Days of depression. Couldn't even make it into work today.
Too much shit on top of shit.
I'm feeling very, very done.
Too much shit on top of shit.
I'm feeling very, very done.
My Karma
I have 2 real friends. Soon one will have a boyfriend and very little time for me.
The other has some serious health issues. I don't know if she's going to last.
Why does the universe seem to push so hard into making me be alone? Why do I have to be punished? What did I do so wrong that I have to have the one thing I truly want in life always taken from me?
Am I really such a terrible person? I try to be good. To do good. This is my lot. To always lose those close to me.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough to save my wife. This is my karma.
Random acts of depression
Why does it happen?
I'm just sitting there and suddenly from out of nowhere a sudden wave of depression and then closely followed with anxiety just to add to it.
Will this stop?
Or is this the rest of my life?
I'm just sitting there and suddenly from out of nowhere a sudden wave of depression and then closely followed with anxiety just to add to it.
Will this stop?
Or is this the rest of my life?
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