Virtues of the unwinnable fight

There were two of us. Now there is one.
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.

Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?

Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.

The battles have cut you so deep.

My scars tell a journey of where I have been.

You are broken, you are weary.

My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.

It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.

Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.

Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.

I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.

I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?

Lessons

Dating site fail realizations

OMG, talking with a friend and realize why I fail on dating sites on the rare occasion when I am contacted. I hate that crap small talk. I get bored with it and fail on the conversation.

Crap. I'm stuffed there.

Friday night. Alone again, naturally.

I spend so much time being everything for everyone. Tonight I don't need to be there for anyone. And then I realize how few are there for me. Everyone is busy.


I asked a friend to look at my profile on a dating site today. I have been active for months. 3 people have spoken to me and stopped talking to me pretty quickly. She goes on for 20 mins before shutting her account off. Gets 3 responses and a date. She didn't even mean to.

I am a piece of shit.

So far tonight I am a "fucking asshole", I am inconvenient, and I need to make my daughters fucking dinner (3 separate things).

I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.

Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.

Whats wrong with me?

Something is out of wack. I don't know. The depression is back. I can't shake it. I crave touch. All I want is to hold a loving woman. That is not to be. The few close to me are distant. They are going through their own issues.
Tonight loneliness is is my only friend.

I tried talking. It was wrong

I spent 2 years trying to open up. Trying to grow, be independent. I'm told I now talk too much. I need to learn how to stop after an appropriate amount of time. Oh and I am too negative and share too much.

I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.

I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.

Holiday Blues and random ramblings.

I feel so messed up. It's all just fucked up. Everything is just. I really really hate fucking life right now.

I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.

I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.

I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.

Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!

Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!

Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.

Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.

PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.

They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.

Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.

Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.

My shoes

I'm annoyed at my shoes. I got sick of terrible cheap shoes not lasting well, so this time around I got better ones. Paid more for them, but hey, long term quality pays for itself, right? Right?

Nope. They have only lasted as long as the cheap and nasty ones.

Sigh.

Disappointment and alcohol

I have spent some time working with 17year old. Trying to show someone can care about her. Showing her life can be better.
Shes spending the weekend doing hard drugs. I feel disappointed. Both with her and with myself but I feel like a hypocrite, I would probably do the same if I could.  I suck.


I'm sitting in a restaurant having dinner, at one of the tables a couple, late 20s, early 30's is also having dinner. I hear the man admonishing his partner for not eating the cauliflower. I see her trying to shrink down in her seat, hurt.
Why? Seriously. Why does he need to do that?



My daughter is still working to make my life hard. I don't now why shes like that.



Switching between feeling lonely and wanting to keep away from people.


I have been drinking too much. I decided to be sober for a bit. I'm not liking it. Particularly tonight. I want to drink again already. That's not good.

Shitsmas

Well. That is another shit Xmas done and dusted.

The cat shat under the bathtub in a I don't know how I'm gonna clean it place, my sheets ripped. And I got to feel very alone. Spent a number of hours hiding in my bed. No one noticed.

Felt very very alone. Still do. Time to sleep I guess, the sooner I sleep the sooner it's not xmas.

My brain has holes

So yesterday I took my daughter and 17 yo to the zoo (she had never been to a zoo)

3 times I forgot her name. My daughter saw it once and reminded me her name. I have known her for months, talked to her plenty of times. My mind blanked.

Today I took my daughter to one of our favorite eateries. I got to the block where it was but I couldn't remember where in the block it was. I have been there so many times. But it wasn't in my brain.

Considering my sister has a brain tumor. I am a little worried.

Stupid little things.

So I'm sitting in McDonalds And I'm looking at a young couple, full of enthusiasm for life. I'm looking at an elderly couple. Enjoying their twilight years. All these different couples. And suddenly I felt so down. Missing out on that progression from young couple to elderly couple.

If anyone reads this, cherish your partner. I truly hope you get to spend your life together having fun and get to grow old together. I hope you have all that I don't.

Women

I was a virgin until I was 21. Women just weren't attracted to me. Very few are now too. I know many will think this crazy but until I was in my 20s I was convinced women hated sex. They only did it to shut the men up. Now I am in my mid 40s and I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that women still don't really like sex. It's strange because I have seen women in the throws of massive orgasms and they sure seem to be enjoying themselves, but that niggling feeling remains.

I have not had very many girlfriends. I can count them on one hand.

20 years ago I met my future wife. She was a broken thing, living in a broken old cottage. She suffered such abuse as a child and then moved on to an abusive relationship. But underneath the timid broken woman. I saw intelligence, caring, kindness. And a spark of passion.

I remember the first time I visited her. I knocked on her door unannounced, she opened it, saw me, screamed and slammed the door in my face. She refused to let me in. Eventually she came outside to me. For about 5 minutes. then she shooed me away and told me not to come back for a week. She said many years later she was so worried about her appearance and the state of her house she nearly broke down.

I did return a week later. Then more and more often. Things happened very quickly, and circumstances pushed us to move in together after quite a short amount of time. I always treated her gently and with compassion. I got to watch her bloom into a confident passionate woman. I don't know if it was ego or what. But I loved seeing her become who she was. Who she should have been all along.

In the 16 years we were together I never grew tired of going to bed with a woman and also waking up with one too. The niggle was always there. Why would a woman want me? It still persists today.

After 14 years, she found a lump in her breast. Things went downhill from there. So many medical mistakes. The cancer progressed very rapidly. 13 months after finding that lump I sat beside her as I watched her heart stop. She turned to me, took 2 breaths and died. 9:10am 21st of September. A moment burned into the core of my being. A stain on my soul.

Before she died she was unable to sleep in a bed. She had to spend her nights propped up on the sofa. I hated her not being there beside me at night. I missed her being there even more after she died. It was such a constant and a comfort in my life. No matter what the day bought that night there was a woman who wanted to spend the night next to me. That fact never, ever got old. I actually had trouble, even after all those years believing it. Yet there she was. Beside me.

After my wife died there was another woman. Again. Terrible father, terrible husband. But I saw that spark. The intelligence, the caring. It was too soon after my wife died though. I grabbed her and held on tight. Too tight. She needed space and I was holding on too hard. We realized the problems, and we dropped it down to best friends. I talk to her many, many times a day. Usually on the internet but we physically see each other every few weeks for a couple of hours.

I don't regret those relationships. The pain hurts sometimes but the love was worth it.



Now I'm going to bed. Alone.

I wrote this a while ago and refound it.

Advice to widowers....

Welcome to the widowers club, where membership can happen but no one wants it. I'm 1 1/2 years in, my wifes cancer was healing but the Drs screwed up and killed her. Half assed apology from the hospital. It's me and my now 11yo daughter. Some random thoughts.

If you can, take a few days out of your life and get blindingly drunk. Officially its a bad thing to do but it helps you process.

For the womens issues your daughter is on the cusp of dealing with don't even try to understand or help. Other women are the best to deal with pads and types etc. They are always willing to help a fellow sister with those issues.

You are unfortunately and fortunately about to find out who your real friends are. Some will surprise you. Ones you thought would be there aren't, ones who you didn't think would be there will be.

Sometimes you will get somewhere and not be able to get out of the car. Give up. Go home. It's normal.

Bed is a refuge. I lost a few days in there.

Kids are more resilient to these things but they will develop odd quirks (more so if your daughter has aspergers). Mine will sometimes pull off all the covers on her bed and insist on me making it for her. She is more than capable of making it. That's a queue I need to spend some more time with her. I make the bed, read her a story and then as soon as I can we go out for a day. Or even a dinner date.

Beach carparks are often deserted places during the week. Good quiet place to cry.

Yes, you want to die. Just remind yourself you will orphan your daughter. What a horrible thing to do to her.

St Johns wort can help take the edge off but it gave me nightmares worse than the depression. Vitamin B helps but only take it in the morning as it gives you insomnia. Ceiling staring at 2am sucks.

Get counselling if you can afford it. Mine had no good answers but they get paid for you to complain about the world.

Sometimes your daughter is going to need to talk. You need to be there for her and talk, even if its 11pm and you want to go to bed.

Berated for choices others made.

So the other night someone berated me for the choices my late wife made in her treatment. She blamed me for her choices. For making her do it. I never made her do anything. It was all her choice. I tried to tell her but I don't think she listened.

It was not the first time she had tried to say I exerted control over my wife.

I had to give up and unfriend her on facebook.

I stewed all night. Just couldn't sleep, all up I got 3.5hrs sleep. I'm still trying to recover.

I want to run away

I want to run away from my life.
It's all too complicated.
But it's already so lonely.

I'm confused.
I'm stressed.
I feel guilt. So much guilt right now.

My week

Jenkies, it's been rough this week. It's so bad I'm not even willing to post it in an anonymous blog.

Sheesh. I am an idiot. A big, fat, stupid idiot. And the guilt. I almost puked a few times from it. A week later and I'm still stressing over what I did. 

Relationships

How do you tell someone that if their relationship is that crappy now. It's not going to get better?

Daughters :(

So, tonight my daughter made me wait for 30 mins while she played her video game when we needed to go to the supermarket. I finally got her off and she tells me I am a fucking asshole. She threatened a few minutes later to punch me and then she started taking her frustration out on the car. I lost it. We came home at speed, I was throwing the car around on the corners. I stormed into the house and told her she could starve.

She has pushed me so far that I broke. Heh. Turns out a broken man can brake even more.

I have no one to talk to. No one to help. Everyone turns to me when they are down or have problems. But they walk away when its me asking for help.

Alone. So fucking alone.

Again, remember this...

When you are sad and down and your PTSD has been triggered, bottle it up. No one wants to know. repeat.

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Hope. For others.

Got sent this message today. It's awesome that the protocols are working. The Dr's had given up on him there was nowhere left for them to go. So they turned to me. I'm so glad they are working.

Having to help others when I lost. Rubs it in my face. 

This weeks lesson

So I got x-rayed to see if there were tumors in my spine. There aren't. Spent the week trying to work out if terminal cancer was good or not. Planned what to do over Sophia.

What did I get out of the week? What was my lesson?

I am alone. Very, very alone.

When the chips are down. I'm on my own.

Fought and lost

Dreams

So, last night I dreamed I met someone. She was nice, pretty good looking too. We instantly hit it off. But, we were both patients in hospice.

The elation of meeting someone and the despair of time being so limited.

Wow. Crap day.

Haven't even felt like posting on here lately.

Today was one hell of a day.

Woman over the road lost her husband to cancer on Saturday. She came over to let me know and broke down. I had trouble holding it together myself.

Dead bird on kitchen floor. Blood and feathers. Fucking cats.

Guy I have been helping with cancer has decided to give up. His choice, but still sucks.

The pie I got for lunch fell apart when I tried to eat it. Gave up and chucked it out the window. Burnt my fingers and got pie on my jacket.

Had to go to Dr today. I think I may have cancer in my spine. Now I have to go to the hospital where they killed my wife for tests. Just the thought of it is triggering my PTSD.

Fuck the world.

In a rut.

I'm stuck. I can't get out.

Ever since the garden melt down 3 days ago. I 'm just down. Can't get motivated. I go out there and do nothing. I wan't hugs. So lame and I feel dumb. But that's all I wan't. To hold onto a caring human and not let go for a while.

I miss my wife so badly right now. I'm falling apart and there is no one. No one there for me. So alone.

The garden

It's spring over here, I went out to do some work in the garden. Sat down out there and it felt pointless. There was no one to do it for. Went inside and had a nap. Some days I feel very, very alone.

Depression

Just watched a video on depression, It came down to the guy saying its not chemicals, its simply unmet needs.

Is my depression unmet needs? Possibly. Or is it a refusal to change my thinking? Also possible.

But what If I don't want to change. What If I don't want to be alone? Why is that so wrong?

People who don't accept things are the ones who achieve what they want.

Maybe I don't have a choice though. So how do I accept being alone when everything is fighting against it?

Drunk ramblings

All these people who say they don't want someone with baggage. That's shallow bullshit. The ones with the deepest scars have lived the hardest, they have loved the most. They have risked, endured and lost more. That's what makes them beautiful. Who wants some shallow relationship? Show me someone deep, who has experienced the deepest of loss, who has endured heart wrenching pain. Let me explore your valleys of pain, run my hands over your beautiful scars, the marks of your journey. Show me your true depths. There is a beauty in that honest, true beauty. There is a true, real person, worthy and capable of genuine love.
You are not a victim, you are a veteran, a warrior. Lift your head and stand proud. You are still here, still fighting, despite the pain, despite the anguish you get up every day (or at least some days) and you carry on, despite being battle weary and physical or mental exhaustion. To you out there, you have my absolute admiration. You are awesome. Keep on being you. Please don't water yourself down for the world. Your scars, your pain, each mark is a part of your journey. You are glorious.

2 years

I'm sitting here the night before the 2nd anniversary of my wife's death thinking I should write something.

I have nothing. I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Drops mic.

Heart

Guilt

Sit down and shut up.

This.........

Sit down. 

And shut up.

Serious question:  Is your spouse six feet under?  Oh wait, are they a pile of ashes?

No?

They aren’t?

Wow.

Ok.

Cool.

Then, sit down.

And shut up.

My wife’s name was Michelle.  She’s gone.

Once a widow.  Always a widow.

Once a widower.  Always a widower.

No, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.

No, this isn’t even an angry post.

This is an honest post.

This is a passionate post.

This is a real post.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Unless you watched your spouse die.  Unless you buried your spouse. Unless you burned your spouse.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be living.

Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be acting.

And please, for the love of all that is right in this world, PLEASE – do NOT tell a widow or widower when they should try to love again.

I am  sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to pick up the pieces of their lives.

I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to find companionship again.  For trying to find love again.

Hell, for trying to find ANYTHING again!

We are lost souls. On a journey to find our self again.

And YOU want to judge?

You?

Do you know the courage it takes to go back out there after your spouse has died?

After you watched them die of cancer.  Or a massive heart attack.  Or suicide. 

After you watched them fall to sixty pounds.  Having bowel movements on themselves.  Having horrific hallucinations so bad that seeing them like that strangled your soul.

After you watched them fall to their knees.  And clutch their chest. And take their last breath.

After you walked in on their body.  Dead.  Because they took their own life.

You have no idea.

Do you have any idea how badly the loss of a spouse messes with your mind?  With your heart?  With your soul?

No.  You don’t.

So sit down.

And shut up.

You are not allowed to judge.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you drive home to your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you eat dinner with your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you cuddle up on the couch with your spouse.

You are not allowed to pass judgment as you have sexy time with your spouse.

You.  Are.  Not.  Allowed.  To. Pass.  Judgment.

Sit down.

And shut up.

Stop judging.

Stop thinking that you know what the hell you are talking about.

Because you do not.

Your life wasn’t ripped from you.

Your future wasn’t destroyed.

Sit down.

And shut up.

This was not our choice.

This was not a breakup.  Stop comparing.

This was not a divorce.  Stop comparing.

This was not the loss of a grandpa. Stop comparing.

This was not the loss of Uncle Thomas.  Stop comparing.

And for Heaven’s sake, this was NOT the loss of your damn CAT. Stop comparing!

This was the loss of a  soul mate.

Our love.

Our other half.

Our life.

Our future.

Sit down.

And shut up.

The next time you see a widow or widower try to pick themselves off, dust themselves off and ‘get back out there’. 

You have 2 choices.

You can either sit down and shut up.

Or,

You can give them a standing ovation.

For their heart.  For their courage. For their bravery.

Those are your two options.

And your ONLY two options.

Because. You. Do. Not. Know.

 – Rant.  Over. –

Mic Drop.

 © Copyright 2017 John Polo

Mocking my depression

So, I have been trying to take control of my depression, learning about triggers, about how parts of my diet set me off so I can avoid those foods (it's foods I liked of course), getting out and walking the dog, gardening and just trying to be positive. Sometimes winning, sometimes losing. But trying.
Then my not girlfriend who has dumped me again posts a thing on Facebook saying you know who and mocking my depression.
I apologise for my depression and for not being what she needed and so she gets shitty with me. She toned it down a bit later.
I don't know. I just don't know. You try to lift yourself up but there are always people trying to drag you back down.

Bottle it up

Bottle up the pain. Push it in, lock it away. No one wants to know about it.

And repeat....

The cancer ambassador

Someone from the pagan festival days and who I have known off and on for years, her partner has got cancer. I have sent her a ton of info on facebook and today I visited them, they have moved close by to be with his family. I went through the info I have.

It hurts, deeply hurts, because I have to drag up the memories of what I went through with my wife. The pain and PTSD triggers are still there. Not that I let it show. They need help and I will tear myself to pieces to ensure they have it. I hope to all hope that it will be enough, that they do not have to endure what I had to go through. 

If they manage it, the victory will be bittersweet. Knowing I was right, that I can reverse cancer, even when its deep, and the elation of knowing they don't have to go through the pain. But knowing that I could have saved my wife and failed.
If I fail, then I am left to wonder about the trust they have put in me. But I must, and will try. They know there is a chance of losing, I spoke about wills and burial etc, they have been thinking about it. 

She called me a cancer ambassador.

I need to sleep, I hope I can. 

Introvert bliss

Today a woman came around with her laptop for me to fix. She sat beside me on the sofa and I gave her a book to read while I repaired her laptop. It was my kind of company. Together with someone each doing our thing. Although some hugs would have made it awesomely ultimate.

Is there something wrong with me?

Probably.

Alone again

Little catch up. Last week my not girlfriend left me again. 1 year after she did the same thing. Apparently it was my fault. I didn't communicate properly and my negativity drags her down.

Shes right of course. I never want her to feel trapped, so I let her go. We still talk, although I am careful to keep my low thoughts to myself now.

It can no longer be a relationship. Because it's false. I am not able to be me.

This.

Searching

Tonight I am searching in the wrong place for something I cannot find.
I am doing so because I do not know what I am looking for, so how can I look in the right place?
So I search. Knowing I cannot find what I am looking for. I'm sure I need to find it. How do I find something when I don't know what it is let alone where it is.
Truly lost in a land of confusion.

How do I accept being alone

There has to be a way. I see all these people revelling in being alone. Why do I have so much trouble? It's happened a few times, fleeting moments where I have felt ok with it, but it doesn't last.
I've tried all sorts of things from drugs to affirmations. Nothing works.

MSM supplement

So, in my quest to find a way to deal with my rheumatoid arthritis I took MSM supplement. I have to admit, my joints have improved. But after almost a week a massive headache has set in. I looked online and there are so many people with headaches from it. And now it looks like I have a few days off it before it passes.

Sigh.

I'm trying

Look. I'm trying, ok? I know depressed is not good. I know 2 years of depression is bad. Very, very bad.
I don't want to be like this, I'm trying to climb out of the black hole..... Just can't seem to shake it off.
Still the thoughts remain. I don't want to be here.

Something is wrong

Something is wrong with our world.

"According to the Mental Health Foundation one in six New Zealanders will experience a depressive disorder and the World Health Organisation estimates that by the year 2020 depression will be the second most common cause of ill health and premature death worldwide."

Blood

When my wife's tumor fungated we found ourselves dealing with a lot of blood. It would bleed at inopportune moments, not that there is a good time to bleed. After she died it took months to get all the blood out of the house. Parts of the bathroom I actually had to remove before it was gone.
When I come under too much stress I start to bleed out of my nose. It's been a couple of years since I had a bad one. But tonight it really opened up. It took some time in the bathroom waiting for it to stop. Then I had to clean it up. Half of the clean up was automatic. I have cleaned up so much blood. But it took me back to some dark times.
.
This time I'm doing it alone.

St Johns wort update

Nightmares have started already after only one night of taking st John's wort. I still feel so low.

St John's wort

I started taking st John's wort again. I stopped because it was giving me terrible nightmares. Right now I'm thinking the nightmares would be better than the depression.

Oh to park my car up, run a hose into it from the exhaust and drift off to sleep and never wake up again. A forever rest. Bliss.

Shit on top of shit on top of shit

So, I've been staying away from here, complaining didn't seem to be helping. I dont know.
Anyways, it's tax time. Somehow despite earning even less I have to pay more.  I don't know where the money will come from.
I get a letter from Work and income. I have to prove my daughter still needs her disability payments or they are gonna cut it off. Here's hoping I get someone nice or I'm out of pocket there too.
My not girlfriend is too busy with her life so I don't see much of her, every 2 to 4 weeks for one evening if I'm lucky.

Life is a big ball of shit still. I seriously don't want to be here. Oh and my reason for being. My daughter is going through a defiant stage where she hates helping at all and generally spends her time hating me.

Saving others when I couldn't save her. A bitter pill.

I heard back from the person who's husband was stage IV cancer. I spent time with them and explained all of my research and they decided to follow it. 6 months have passed and hes doing well. His tumors are shrinking. Slowly, but they are shrinking. It would have worked on my wife too. I know it.

I am a good person. I help others. So often I help others, yet the world constantly works against me. It shoves me down over and over and over. Its getting to the point where I don't want to stand up again.

Karma is bullshit. Good does not return good.